The “Undie Chronicles” – The Final Episode

After several weeks of frivolity The Undie Chronicles are drawing to a close, in what I believe will be the Final Episode. However, when the Undie-verse speaks, you can rest assured that I will always listen.

To recap the Chronicles so far, here is a photo essay:

Episode I: Christian Panties 

Photo courtesy of mollyandmeboutique.com ~~~~ Do they really need any other description?

 

Episode II: G-Strings

My faves from Marks & Spencer

The handknit variety - imagine in pink Fun Fur!

 

Episode III: Thunderwear

The female version for you Christmas shoppers!

 

This 4th and final episode marks the beginning of the Portmanteau Era.

The “Port-Say-What?” you ask. Portmanteau is the Word of the Week here at More Cowbell and we’ve been having a great time with it since Friday’s Sexting post, where I was hilariously blogjacked by the Hartfords.

Jenny Note #1 to Nat’s Hubby: Hurry up and add Masterbexting to the Urban Dictionary before some other poor writer’s husband grabs the all fame and glory.

The term portmanteau means to combine two other words into a single word and we Americans do it all the time. (Think moobs for “man boobs” or Spanglish for a Spanish/English blend like we do it here in California – “More coffee, Señor? Gracias!”) Click here for a great list of common-usage portmanteaus.

Jenny Note #2: Don’t for a moment think we didn’t capitalize on the Word of the Week here at the Hansen House this weekend. Everything from Chairbating (what the baby does in her high chair and carseat when she’s bored) to Winejacking (snitching the last few ounces of premium Syrah out of the decanter) were discussed and snickered over.

The Portmanteau Era began in an innocent manner with Lena Corazon sending me this tweet:

Lena Corazon

@LenaCorazon Lena Corazon
To add to the files of the Undie Chronicles, @jhansenwrites, I offer you the bijini: http://bit.ly/vFuNxk

For any of those unfamiliar with the bijini I’ve copied the photo below:

Photo courtesy of InventorSpot.com

Those are some sassy pant-ies aren’t they? They bring a whole new solution to the ongoing “plumber’s crack” epidemic. I definitely see them catching on for the beach and the yuppy plumbing crowd, don’t you?

I can hear the updated Mike Diamond/Smell-Good Plumbers commercial in my head:

“No ‘Bubbas’ here, ma’am. Just great plumbers who show up on time, in their bijinis, and smell good!”

The Portmanteau Era continued with my friend Clair telling me about Cheekies, a type of Italian designer underwear. I’ve decided this is a portmanteau of your butt cheek hanging out of your undies.

Apparently, they’re all the rage at Victoria’s Secret these days. Their slogan is “A little panty with lots of cheek peek. Perfect under flirty skirts.” (Yeah, if you’re a singing telegram or trying to sell your butt cheeks.)

Clair swears they’re comfortable, but I have my doubts.

The last message from the Undie-verse came from my girlfriend, Alicia, during her recent trip to Vegas. It’s the only text message I’ve received in recent memory that made me laugh so hard, coffee poured out of my nose. (Sorry for that lovely image on your Monday morning, but it’s true. Really, I almost died to bring you this photo.)

I haven’t been able to find a proper portmanteau to describe these jewels of the Panty-verse. You’ll be able to understand why in a moment.

*cue music for 2oo1 Space Odyssey*

You see why I’m at a loss? How do you describe these…um…um…boy shorts?

Serious Cowbell points are going to whoever comes up with a great portmanteau for these in the comments section. I might have to start a marketing campaign. The #PantyPeeps can make millions.

In the meantime, I say we have a vote about which undies are the most popular amongst the readers at More Cowbell – males and females should vote. We don’t discriminate here.


I’ll report the voting results in a future blog. As the curtain falls on The Undie Chronicles, I encourage you to be cozy with yourself, no matter what you’ve got on under them jeans.

Happy Halloween!
Jenny

About Jenny Hansen

Avid seeker of "more"...More words, more creativity, More Cowbell! My passion is finding those qualities that are unique in every person and every piece of fiction. Founding blogger at Writers In The Storm (http://writersinthestorm.wordpress.com). Write on!
This entry was posted in Humor, More Cowbell and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

57 Responses to The “Undie Chronicles” – The Final Episode

  1. K.B. Owen says:

    You know what I voted for, Jenny! Fun fur, baby! Thanks for the fun chronicles, and happy portmanteau-ing during November’s NaNo!

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Well, you’d better break out those knitting needles then and find us a good outlet for Fun Fur! It’s gonna be a busy November amongst the #pantypeeps. :-)

  2. Hartford says:

    Uncontrollable giggles over here! Splendid wrap-up but I have no down the Undie Chronicles will be back! It’s simply too juicy of a topic. LOL!
    I am with Kathy – you know what I vote for – FUN FUR baby! It’s all about the versatility of the knitted g-string but I will say I was torn and nearly voted for the Vegas Unnamed Thingies which I have lovingly termed: pantystructions (combines panty and instructions)!
    Pantystructions are panties (any make or model) that you wear that also serve as an instructional tool. They provide a clear message to your partner. If he’s getting past your pants, you’ll be able to tell him exactly what you want without a single word.
    “Not tonight honey, I have a headache”
    “I like it a little to the left”
    “I am a front-entrance-only girl”
    “That’s it? Sooo not worth my while”
    Etc…I could go on and on…
    Pantystructions – just what every girl needs!

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Well yeah, I expect the Undie Chronicles to rear their lacy racy selves again in the future. How can you NOT laugh at some of these things?

      I was dying all day at work to not even have time for a WOW and a tip of the hat over “pantystructions.” I don’t know if this one can be beaten, but I’m gonna read down the page and see. :-)

  3. Hartford's Hubby says:

    Let me pass along my portmanteau for the ‘lickies’ – Pantogans – panties with slogans!

  4. Okay, I’m IN Vegas…where on earth did your friend find those? Inquiring minds must know :D

    Great wrap up, LOL. And Nat…Pantystructions…Awesome!

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      OK, Raelyn, I asked. The t-shirt shop with the Lickies is in an outdoor area next to a Ross, across from the New York, New York hotel on the strip.

      I think you should get several sizes so we can give them away as blog prizes.

      #pantypeeps4ever!!!!

      • I avoid the Strip as much as I can :) But That Man is working down there this week. I do believe I’ll send him on reconnaissance, LOL.

        Oh now THAT is a blog hop idea if ever there was one!

  5. Stacy Green says:

    Oh my goodness. Those are just … wow. I’m laughing so hard. Have to agree, Nat’s Panystructions is pretty good. I’m no good at coming up with stuff like this, so I’ll just laugh along with everyone else.

    And the cheekies? I don’t think so. Those look like a recipe for an unholy wedgie.

  6. amy kennedy says:

    Okay. This made my day — once again.

    The cheekies really are comfie — well, sort of comfie. And I do have a pair of underwear that has words on them: Get into hot water…They were a give-away for a book, and I won. All they do is remind me to take chances (not THAT way!) with my life.

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  8. So funny! Have to tell you that at first glance I read the Vegas category wrong: VEGAN unnamed thingies! oh no. :)

  9. Julie Glover says:

    Pantystructions is great! I’m adding that word to my vocabulary immediately. I think several of these panty choices should be labeled Fundies. In fact, if I was an enterpreneur, I’d open a store with that name and carry cheekies, lickies, fun fur, etc. For myself, though, I stick to the non-wedgie options. (Of course, there’s always commando if you simply can’t decide.)

  10. Hartford's Hubby says:

    I could build on Nat’s suggestion with several creations of the male mind: pantyrections (sound to say – I know! Panty + Directions.
    or
    Pantyliners (damn! Already a real product) Panty + One-liners!

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Hubby,

      I must say, I read this as panties that give you an erection (hello, that’s likely most of them since you’re a dude) and as panty-cretions, which I didn’t even want to guess at.

      Nope….pantystructions sold at FUNDIES are still the clear winners so far. I’ll keep reading to see what else your creative mind has thought up….

  11. amyshojai says:

    OMG–this is NOT for reading and drinking beverage at the same time!

  12. I voted for G-strings, but bijinis were a close second. If you decide to do a series on men’s undies, put me down for bikini briefs. No, I don’t have the physique for them, but they’re the most comfortable.

    By the way, shouldn’t masterbexting be masturbexting? Just asking.

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      ROFLMAO, David!!! What a great writerly catch on the “ur”, rather than “er.” Did you tweet Natalie to give her hubby a heads up (no pun intended) before he posted to the Urban Word Dictionary? I’ll do so if you haven’t. :-)

      OK, I’ll put you down for bikinis if the the specific subject comes up. But you know, the Undie Chronicles do not discriminate. There is a male counterpart to every single type of Undie besides Bijini’s (and I think it’s because the males haven’t clamored loud enough)!

    • Good … er … eye, David … for the spelling correction.

    • Hartford's Hubby says:

      Great catch on the spelling slip up!
      Damn!!! I needed this correction just mere minutes before posting to urban dictionary – I will have to try and edit it when it becomes available.

  13. Marcia says:

    Love this! I love cheekies! They are comfortable and sexy. The feeling of your butt hanging out is…well, you’ll have to try them to know. And your honey will love the rear view! Do bring the Undie Chronicles back, Jenny. You do it so well!

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Marcia,

      You’re such a sassy thing…I shoulda known you were a Cheekies girl. I’m still on the fense about the Cheekies, but this comment goes a long way. Hmmmm….

      Thanks on the Undie Chronicles. :-)

  14. Hartford's Hubby says:

    I notice your reluctance to talk about the not-so-sexy side of underwear…ie: Famine Underwear as descibed in the urban dictionary as:

    The garments you wear during a shortage of underwear, when you haven’t done laundry in several weeks or months. Usually characterized by lack of elasticity, holes (usually large and awkwardly located), stains, and typically are at least 5 – 10 years old. In some cases soccer shorts, underwear of unknown origin, thongs, bathing suit bottoms, or ‘granny panties’ can be considered famine underwear, but do not necessarily meet the above criteria.

  15. I’m sitting in the departure lounge waiting for a flight and getting v e r y strange looks as I keep laughing out loud! The Undie Chronicles have been unbelievably entertaining … there may be a book here, Jenny! Get it out in time for Valentine’s Day!

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  17. You forgot my portmanteau for the “Knitted g-string in Pink Fun Fur”. They are G-knits. :) Very very funny post. Luckily I wasn’t drinking coffee while reading. Those bijini’s are kind of crazy.

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  19. Lena Corazon says:

    I am so late to the game on this one, but my goodness, I am currently cackling like a madwoman. So. Darn. Funny, and I am dying over the “Vegas Unnamed Undies.” On a day-to-day basis, I am quite partial to the cheekies. They are quite comfy, though I’m snickering at the VS tagline. What do they expect, that ladies will be flipping up their skirts to show off their cheekies? Anyway, awesome wrap-up post to one of my favorite series ever.

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Another fan of “Cheekies!” I told Angela Peart today that i was still worried that “Cheekies = Cracky Attacky” but she swears by ‘em and so do you and Clair. Sigh. I might have to buy some let-my-butt-Cheekies-hang-out, which is how I think of them after that Vicky’s Secret ad. Cheek peek, indeed.

      Thanks for the compliments – I had lots of fun with these posts. :-)

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  21. Oh, my heart can’t take this–I need a defibrillator, I’m laughing so hard! The dogs think I have finally gone off the deep end; I will totally have to share with the hubs when he gets home!

    Well, I have a couple of nice silk lingerie sets that are Cheekie-like, and I must admit, they are comfy. I have not worn them to work (shudder!), but more because the juxtaposition of work and nice lingerie just well, shudder!

    I can’t choose among them, although I would shop at a store called Fundies, and the Famine Underwear describes part of my drawer far too well!

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Elizabeth, I never told you how much I liked this comment. We’re all about making people laugh so hard they choke, tinkle, or do some other sort of funny thing. God, another vote for the Cheekies! Dang.

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