An Ode To Garter-String Knickers

Undies are pretty dang personal for most people, at least they are for women.

I mean men get catalogued as “Boxers” or “Briefs,” and the discussion is pretty much resolved at that point. However, for us gals, things are different. Lingerie is nearly always a very personal statement and most women have different types for different moods.

I can hear my pal, Laura Drake, shouting through her computer screen: “I can’t believe you think about this crap.”

Just go with me for a minute. The other day, I read Lani Wendt Young’s post about lingerie on Sleepless in Samoa, and I started thinking about underpants. (Thank you to Natalie Hartford, who included Lani in her mash-up…You see? I DO read your links.🙂 )

Lani contended that marriage and children throw sexy undergarments right out of a marriage. She referred to thongs as “the single most annoying scrap of clothing in the entire world,” wondering “how people even walk properly with that thing on,” much less scrub the tub. Score a point for Lani.

Somehow, thongs have become a continuing theme here lately at More Cowbell. *scratching head* It all started about a month ago, when I shared this video of Sister Myotis ranting about “the thong panty, with it’s godly cotton panel. Amen!” She called the thong an “instrument of mass corruption.” (I’ve put it below, in case you missed it. I had to watch it again too. [Amen.])


Could I be getting a message from the Undie-verse?
If so, I need to be paying better attention…

But back to Lani’s story in the link above. She used to buy a ton of underwear. “Used to” being the key words here. She’s spending her cash in different places now that she has kids, which is normal. One day she decides to get her sexy on with some lacey, push-up(y) underwear and before too long she’s acting like a PMSing babe jonesing for chocolate. She’s CRABBY.

First off, let me say I don’t remotely think that lacy undergarments are the keeper of the sex appeal. Sex is 90% in the brain so you’ve got to start there. But anything that makes you feel sassy is going to stimulate your inner horndog. (Quit shaking your head. You know I’m right.)

BUT. I do have to go with Lani on one point: for the most part, thongs are really not that cozy. Yes, you can buy them with “no VPL” (that’s “no visible panty lines” for those who are behind on their Thong Lingo). Blah, blah, blah.

They’re still a landing strip of stiff material stuffed up my hiney. That just isn’t my idea of Underwear Happy. Sorry, thong-lovers.

However…even though I can’t abide the lacy thong cutting off blood flow to my butt cheek, I CAN get behind a nice stretchy cotton g-string.

G-strings = Blessed-Scrap-of-Panty-Heaven (at least they do in my book).

Every woman in America should wear a g-string. That’s a direct quote from one of Nora Roberts’ books and I agree wholeheartedly. *checking off benefits with fingers*

  1. They’re invisible under clothes
  2. Comfortable
  3. Sexy
  4. And they take up almost no space in your undie drawer

The only thing a g-string can’t do for you is act like a girdle. So, all you guys reading this post? Run and tell your significant other that I said they’d love to own some g-strings. Since the name “Jenny Hansen” will likely make them go, “Say, who??” – just tell them, “Nora Roberts said so.”

Reminder: Make sure you emphasize that those g-strings need to be COTTON. Don’t go trying to slip any lacy business into my message. Lace takes away every benefit listed above, except for space saving #4.

I’m sure you can hear the love shining through, right? This is an ode after all and it’s directed toward the undies I feel especially warm  about: g-strings from Marks & Spencer in the UK.

What is a g-string, you might ask?

The “g” stands for “garter,” and the garter-string “knickers” (that’s panties for all you American women) were originally conceived to be worn under a garter belt. *click here to see my lovelies*

Tangent: My Aussie friends neglected to tell me that in Australia the terms “Banger” or “G-Banger” are interchangeable with G-string. THAT might have cleared up some confusion on a few dates back in the day…I’m just sayin…

Several years back, I traveled to London and was introduced to M&S (Marks & Sparks to the locals). It was love at first sight. Their knits are divine. My new British friends from work indulged me and went through every department, offering recommendations.

When we got to the lingerie department, they had a universal message: Get some of these knickers. After opening the package and wearing them to work the next day, I had to concede: the g-strings from Marks & Sparks are about the coziest undies I’ve ever put on my behind. (I guess in this case, I should say “on my front.”)

I’ve gotta admit, I’m due for some new undies. Anyone who’s ever been pregnant (male or female) can feel my pain when I say pregnancy just isn’t the time of underwear nirvana. When it comes to the pregnancy “drawers,” quantity is better than quality, if you know what I mean.

However, the baby is now a toddler and I’m finally in the mental place to care about what’s covering my business. With that in mind, I went searching on the Net for my beloved M&S garter-string knickers and could not find them.

I got a little panicked. I didn’t see them on the M&S website, BUTThey are being sold on eBAY.

Yeah, you heard me. eBay. For my knickers?!! There’s just something wrong with this picture. I think of eBay for used out-of-print books, used furniture, tickets to plays that others have bought…(Are you noticing a theme here??)

It can’t possibly be good to buy your undies on e-Bay…right? At present, I’m undecided and looking forward to your opinions.

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever bought on eBay, or online? (And will you be able to keep a straight face when we meet some day, after having this discussion about how we cover our hineys?) Enquiring minds always want to know here at More Cowbell!

Jenny

About Jenny Hansen

Avid seeker of "more"...More words, more creativity, More Cowbell! An extrovert who's terribly fond of silliness. Founding blogger at Writers In The Storm (http://writersinthestormblog.com). Write on!
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45 Responses to An Ode To Garter-String Knickers

  1. Laura Drake says:

    Okay Jenny, help out an old broad. What’s the exact difference between a G-string and a thong? By this, you know how often I’ve worn either. Nope, drawers for me — no one want to see more of what drawers hide, thank you so much.

    I can see my husband’s face if I dropped my drawers and had that stuff on under it – I’d have to call the paramedics, and it wouldn’t be because of the jolt to his heart…he’d die laughing.

    So let me live vicariously, and tell me the difference, will you?
    Old ladies at Cowbell want to know too!

    Like

  2. Catherine Johnson says:

    Hilarious, I knew M&S had to come into it somewhere lol. Totally agree!

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Do they have THE best stuff, or what?

      I have to admit though, after searching their whole site, I’m positively knackered from trying to find my knickers! (It must be time for bed, as now I’m having snickers over knickers. Oy.)

      Like

  3. K.B. Owen says:

    Oh my goodness, Jenny, you crack me up. I suspect the eBay G-strings are being sold because someone’s husband or boyfriend thought it was a cool idea to buy them for his beloved, then…whoops, guess NOT! My hubs learned plenty fast – never try to buy lingerie for a woman. Just a world of woe.

    I want to be comfy, and a string up my keester would be SO preoccupying, I wouldn’t be able to focus on anything else. Like world peace, or turn-by-turn directions. You know, important stuff like that. “What is that breeze up my backside? Dang, I’m wearing one of those stringy-panties. Should I go back home and switch to something that covers more real estate? I dunno…rats, was I supposed to turn left back there?”

    Maybe that’s what’s wrong with the world – gals are goin’ all tribal with the g-string/thong thing and can’t focus enough to save the world or get to their destinations, lol. Thanks for a fun post, Jenny!

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      OMG, YOU CRACK ME UP. I just choked on my toothpaste reading this comment. I tell you, More Cowbell has the best commenters anywhere. “Goin’ all tribal”….hahahaha! And you only notice the breeze up your backside if you’re not wearing pants. I agree that a g-string with a skirt just feels a little weird.🙂

      I’m gonna go laugh some more now.

      Like

  4. Laughing too hard to think of a dang thing to add, Jenny and KB. Oh, wait…

    I lied.

    Agree with you, Jenny. Buying knickers on eBay? Nope. Can’t do it–not even from a “pet and smoke-free home.” Last Christmas, I searched the net for HOURS seeking a five-star-rated farting Hippo. Abby and NCIS fans will understand. Others can use their imagination. Turns out Abby’s Hippo doesn’t “pass gas.” The producers add the sound effect. Bummer. Great post, Jenny. ONLY YOU!

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      I know, Gloria! Kathy had me crying with her comment. I hadn’t even considered the pet and smoke-free angle of eBay. And Brits DO like to smoke…*biting nails*

      You see, I really want my pretty drawers….

      Like

  5. I’m with Laura in needing to know the difference between a thong and banger. Bwahahaha. Not sure how you type or say banger with a straight face. After reading this, I am obviously an underwear novice. *side-eyeing cotton briefs* I am with you on the lace thing. Lacy stuff on my underwear is itchy and not comfortable. Funny stuff Jenny!

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      I just discovered I couldn’t say “Banger” with a straight face either! Hmmmm…perhaps this is a post best forwarded, rather than reading it aloud…

      Right on with the lace, Barbara…LACE + HINEY = BITCHASS

      Like

  6. Julie Glover says:

    Funny just doesn’t get it. I can’t stand thongs either, but sassy undies of some kind are definitely worth going for. Great post, Jenny! (I don’t buy anything on eBay, but if I did, I’d be a little nervous about a panties purchase.)

    Like

  7. amyshojai says:

    Hey, I also have a name for thongs–it’s called BAD UNDERWEAR aka butt-floss. Ahem.

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      I’m telling you, Amy. M&S butt-floss doesn’t FEEL like butt-floss.

      Like

      • Eden says:

        I am having so much trouble not laughing out loud here at “M&S butt-floss doesn’t FEEL like butt-floss.” After this funny, but so TRUE post (yeah, g-strings ARE actually quite comfy, thongs are PAINFUL, and briefs… only if they have kittens or cute pictures)…

        Thank you for the laughs, Jenny. This was hilariously delightful.

        Like

  8. Hartford says:

    What a post – I LOVE IT! And thanks for the shout out – it’s nice to know ya do read my links. LOL!!
    I have found some thongs that are uberliciously comfortable – the Victoria’s Secret Lacy thong (http://www.victoriassecret.com/ss/Satellite?ProductID=1265602535553&c=Page&cid=1314948166903&pagename=vsdWrapper) are…fabulous! Seriously. As far as a thong goes, they are great and look terrific. I do however agree that g-strings are for the MOST part, more comfortable than thongs and even better for no panty line. Especially the coton ones.
    But any bad thong or g-string is THE WORSE thing in the world and it’ll take you from feeling sexy to wanting to rip your partner’s face off! And unfortunately the only way to find out if you have a “good” pair or not, is to try them out…eeeekeeee….
    All that said, I usually opt for no underwear at all (…I know…I am sick!)

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      My hubby’s a commando addict too, Natalie. It must be great, but I personally hate it. *contemplating jean’s seam rage*

      Glad you liked the post. And YOUR shout out today humbled me. Thanks again…big hugs flying over the Northern border.

      Like

  9. Catie Rhodes says:

    Okay. I’ll admit it. I can’t wear butt floss anything. I bought a package of cotton g-strings, thinking I’d join the craze. I stupidly debuted them on a day I went shopping. After a while, I became aware that I was walking around holding the string part away from my butt through my pants. I noticed because people started to point and whisper. At this point, I bought a cheap pair of scissors, cut off the offending material and went commando. Never, ever again.

    The weirdest thing I ever bought on ebay. Hmmm. I’ve bought some pretty weird stuff. However, the prize goes to my neighbor. He bought a John Holmes dildo for his wife…and admitted it to us! LOL

    Great post.

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      No!! A real, live JH Dil? He must’ve had a very…erm…LARGE wife, if you know what I mean. I’ll bet she really loves block parties these days, now that y’all know what’s in her “goodie” drawer.🙂

      Thanks, Catie…I love your comments!

      Like

  10. Stacy Green says:

    Well, as long as the Ebay ones aren’t used…

    G-strings are comfy. Since I lost weight, I’ve gone an an undie buying spree. I love boy shorts, too. They don’t ride up and make me feel sexy without flab hanging out.

    LOL. Discussing underwear choices – only here!

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Hey, if you can’t discuss your underwear choices HERE, where can you discuss them? I’m just sayin…

      I like the boy shorts too – and I feel like there’s a blog in this comments section. I really do.

      Like

  11. Now see, I find the string more uncomfortable. I switched to thongs after getting tired of the ol’ Amen Panties finding their way up the ol’ crack anyway…that’s what I get from having a generous bum I guess…Thank you “What Not To Wear”🙂 Though I’m right there with you on the cotton over lace.

    Now under a skirt/dress… Sorry. I’m picturing men in kilts and the fun that can be found without Amen Panties😀

    Like

  12. Jess Witkins says:

    I think you’re my hero, Jenny. LOL. I agree that lingerie isn’t the end all, be all of romance. Sometimes sure it can be nice, but at the price it runs it’s just not worth it. ‘Course, you’re talking to a former intimate apparel sales manager, so I have plenty to keep my dresser drawer stocked for quite awhile. I can go over a month without doing laundry! I have so many pairs of underwear. I won’t look at you funny if we meet. Something tells me we shouldn’t sit together at the DFW conference. I don’t want Kristen and David getting mad at us, “the rowdy table.” LOL

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Well, since YOU are my fave superhero, I think this is just awesome. And the FanGirl moments will run fierce and wild at DFW. I’m sooooo saving my pennies to go!

      Bring on the rowdy table!

      Like

  13. OMG, Jenny, I’m laughing so much I can’t stop. I love this video – she’s hilarious! I don’t think I own a single pair of those “Christian panties” and I don’t foresee buying any in the near future. Although they would definitely make me laugh every time I would pull them out of my lingerie drawer, ha,ha!

    Like

  14. Of course my son walked by when I was reading this and said, ‘Ohmygod, is that lady talking about underwear again?’ So of course I made him watch the video again. Mwuahahahahahaaha!

    Like

  15. The closest I get to sexy or romantic underpants these days are panties with flowers on them. Roses, if I can find them. I also like to put rose smelling sachets in my drawers. Uh, my dresser drawers. Lol. Glad I caughter that.

    I have a question. Can you get calluses you know where if the string, ah, rubs you the wrong way? I’ve always wondered.

    Like

  16. I love this post – and I love the ‘Good Christian panties’ clip! So buzzed my whine about lingerie got a mention in here! (and very glad that Im not alone…)

    Like

  17. Lena Corazon says:

    Omg, I am dying over here reading these comments and the awesome post. True confession: I lived in Oxford for 4 months during my junior year of college doing study abroad, and for a combo birthday/Valentine’s Day present, I bought myself a 5 pack of M&S g-strings and they were awesome. It’s been almost 5 years since then, and they have sadly gone the way of the bin, but they were wonderful while I had them.

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      LOL!!! This is so funny Lena. Thanks for the validation – these are AWESOME undies. I’m sooo glad you got to experience them. And Oxford? What a great time you must have had.🙂

      Like

  18. Marcia says:

    Leave it to you to write about underwear! You are hilarious! this is the kind of inspirational post we need at LLC, Jenny. Love this!

    Like

  19. Who knew we could have so much fun on blogs? ROFL for the past ten minutes reading all of the comments. There’s definitely SNL material here … in a big way! Christian panties??? Natalie goes commando? M & S G-strings on eBay? Too funny!

    Like

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