The Undie Chronicles: An Epilogue…”Man-Style”

I was done with undies for a while. I swear I was. I did the Final Episode just last Monday and I was done.

Y’all can thank Lena Corazon for the Undie Chronicles making a re-appearance. It’s not my fault we are back here spewing beverages. She sent me this little not so innocent tweet and WHAT was I to do, I ask you? 

 Lena Corazon
@LenaCorazonLena Corazon
@jhansenwrites Jenny, pleasepleaseplease tell me that you have seen these knit men’s underpants. http://etsy.me/rQFs3t #pantypeeps
 

I HAD to click the link. Then, it was like a car crash where I could NOT tear my eyes away. I mean, would you look at those ears??

Photo courtesy of Etsy.com

Plus, once I read the ordering instructions (see blue print below), I was almost incoherent. It’s so serious. Note: I’ve underlined the part that slayed me. Apparently trunk size DOES matter to this sweet little Etsy knitter in Lithuania. 

I mean, this is a sensitive area (if you know what I mean). I believe guidelines for this sort of measurement are clearly stated in the American Male/Female Rule Book:

Women underestimate their weight on driver’s licenses and men overestimate the size of their trunk when asked. Evidently no one communicated this rule to the knitters in Lithuania. Read on…

SEXY SHORTS

Soft and warm. Ideal for cold weather;
Yarn: 50% poliester;
Colours: white, red
Size: Custom order (please write the size and i will knit it)
Washing: machine-washable on wool mode

NOTE: Please give me one week to make this order

So, after I looked at this picture and read this form…well, it wasn’t pretty. (“Coffee spattered on the table, mascara tears down my face” kind of ugly.)

My husband rushed in from the living room to see why I was in hysterics.

“What?” he asked and, when I flapped my hands at the picture, he peered at my screen. “That’s a cock sock.”

Me: *new round of hysterical laughter* It has a NAME???

He’s kind of used to me so he waited for me to catch my breath. “Do you want some water or something?”

Me: “No. Did you make that up, or is that really a thing?”

Him: “It’s an actual term. I don’t know what it means but I’ve heard it.”

I gave him fisheye. “You know, I have a discerning posse here at More Cowbell. I can’t post something ‘you just heard about.'”

Him: *snort* “When has that ever stopped you? Don’t give me The Face. You can look it up to find out what it is.”

Well, I scoped it out in the Urban Dictionary, but this is a family blog (kind of) so I can’t tell you what it is (<– Click link if you’re dying to know NOW). All of the definitions deal with the male genitalia (duh) and most of the sentences are very creative.

After looking at “the elephant” there was really no other option but to see what sorts of Man-Undies (portmanteau = “Mundies”) are out there. 

Check out these jobbers from the same (ahem) artist. The part that really gets me about these…uh…creations is the description:

Very sexy handknitted underwear shorts for men soft and warm

Photo inflicted on my eyes from Etsy.com
 

Very sexy? REALLY?  I have to admit that these “soft, warm and sexy’s” left me kinda cold. Perhaps y’all will have a different opinion of them. I’ll leave it for you to weigh in on this down in the comments. You’ve been surprising me lately.

Since it is the season of giving, if these little knitted nothings encourage you to reach for your credit cards, these Mundies cost $65 and ship all over the world. That means the search is over for your stocking stuffers, Ladies. Guys, I’ve provided you with ALL the links so you can add any of these Mundies to the top of your holiday wish list.

I just could not restrain myself. I had to run a quick underwear search through Etsy to see what all the other busy crafters were up to *if you know what I mean.*

I came across this Elephant Thong (WOW! Would you look at the trunk on that thing?):

At least the person who crocheted this had the good grace to call it a gag gift. (It certainly succeeded in gagging me for a moment.)

ADDENDUM – 11/10/11:
Just when we think we’ve seen it all, a gal on the Give Me A Valium With My Latte Facebook page posted a link to THIS jewel of the Undie-verse! We’ve got pink ears, people, and…nostrils at the bottom of that trunk!! WOW.

The nostrils on this thing are killing me...

Anyway, Merry Christmas from More Cowbell! It’s just give, give, give all the time over here.

Last, but not least, the polling results are in from what was supposed to be the Final Episode of The Undie Chronicles.

My jaw about hit the floor…Cheekies won the popular vote! I told Angela Peart that Cheekies = “Cracky Attacky” but the vote indicates that perhaps I need to put my money where the vote is and try a pair before I continue to make snide tweets.

There is a tie for the #2 spot between:

  • The G-Knit (portmanteau courtesy of Nicole Basaraba with a combo of Knit + G-string) in Fun Fur.
    AND
  • Pantystructions (Vegas Unnamed Thingies received their portmanteau courtesy of Natalie Hartford with a combo of Panty + Instructions).

Thank you to those who voted. Note: If you have not yet cast your vote, click here and scroll to the bottom of the post.

How do you go about your holiday gifting these days? Do you simply send a card? Do you handmake your gifts, such as today’s spotlighted “artists” from Etsy? Enquiring minds always want to know here at More Cowbell!

Jenny

About Jenny Hansen

Avid seeker of "more"...More words, more creativity, More Cowbell! An extrovert who's terribly fond of silliness. Founding blogger at Writers In The Storm (http://writersinthestormblog.com). Write on!
This entry was posted in Humor, More Cowbell and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

75 Responses to The Undie Chronicles: An Epilogue…”Man-Style”

  1. Gene Lempp says:

    Um. Nope. Not going to say it. Funny stuff, Jen🙂

    Like

  2. Hartford says:

    I. can’t. stop. laughing!
    OMG – now I know what I am getting hubby for Xmas – the Elephant Thong is perfect!
    Love it. Just love it!
    Long live the undie chronicles – they totally make my Monday!🙂

    Like

  3. amyshojai says:

    Evil, evil, evil. God’ll git ya for that one–or not, LOL! At least I knew better than to be in the midst of my caffeine-infusion whilst reading.

    Like

  4. ROFL – “Gag” gift is definitely the correct term. I had to take a few minutes to clean my keyboard and screen so I could write this. Thank goodness for More Cowbell continuing to feed our “enquiring minds” and, um, was Lena doing research for her WIP when she happened upon these? I’m not certain Natalie should have disclosed Hubby’s xmas gift … will we be able to think of him wearing anything else? Keep those laugh-out-loud moments coming please … hurray for epilogues!

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Thanks, Patricia! I aim to please. Actually, really I aim to just start your week off with a smile. And how can anyone resist cracking a grin over these Mundies??

      Like

  5. amy kennedy says:

    Seriously. I thought I had seen it all. I was wrong. Now I have to take a sharp instrument and jab my eyes out. Oh, and yeah, what was Lena doing looking in the “elephant” section…

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      I’d have to let Lena explain her elephant obsession but I felt the need for a retina scrub myself. Evidently the term “sexy” is applied differently in Lithuania than it is here.

      Like

  6. Lena Corazon says:

    They have a name?! The… cock sock?

    *picks self up from floor, wipes eyes*

    I am incredibly indebted to my WANA1011’er, Myndi Shafer, for sharing this on Facebook the other day. I was all ready to let you retire the Undie Chronicles, Jenny, and then this glorious monstrosity popped up on my news feed. I saw it, and I just knew it was my responsibility to pass the link to your, er, capable hands. Now the More Cowbell posse knows that the world has “mundies,” and I think we are all the better for it!

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Thanks, Lena. There certainly would have been no Epilogue without you. I’d be unaware of the vast variety of Mundies, and the Bijini Solution to plumber’s crack for that matter. You are amazing!

      Like

  7. Hallarious! As soon as I saw the title, I put my beverage down. The elephant mundies really are a “glorious monstrosity” – quote Lena Corazon.🙂

    Like

  8. K.B. Owen says:

    O.M.G. You think some fellas aren’t quite filling their trunks?

    Speaking of trunks and elephants, here’s a clip that will have you “cracking” up (yes, it’s a gift). It’s comedic actor Tim Conway, guest-starring on an episode of “Mama’s Family” (with Carol Burnett and Vicki Lawrence). And yes, the other guest-star is Dick Van Dyke. If you spew, don’t blame me!

    Kathy

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      I don’t know why I saw this one, but I did and I LOVE it. It’s all about the other three dying while Tim Conway goes on and on and ON. Wonderful!

      p.s. Several More Cowbell readers clicked on this link as well. Go, Kathy!🙂

      Like

  9. Stacy Green says:

    I saw this last week and KNEW you’d be posting about it, lol. And seriously, I’m sure many fellas aren’t filling their trunks. Can you imagine unwrapping that at the family Xmas celebration? I want to see the “making of” these. Is it some little old lady knitting stocking stuffers or what?

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      I picture this little old lady in Lithuania in front of a fire with her soft pile of yarn next to her and a dog at her feet. Can’t you just see her knitting away while she watches TV? And I’ll bet, she “has a past!”

      Like

  10. Julie Glover says:

    I. could. not. stop. laughing. Oh my goodness! And your hubby’s input on the topic was priceless. I have to wonder about the model who posed with those undies. What did he think when he was asked to don them for a photo shoot?

    Like

  11. Chris Devlin says:

    Sputter. So glad you came back for one more shot. I agree, the ears really do make the elephant thong something special. Cheers!

    Like

  12. Is this what you call potty humor? You girls are trying to make a mountain out of a molehill.

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      David, havent’ you notice how hopeful and helpful females are as a species? We’re always willing to call a molehill a mountain if it makes someone feel better.🙂

      Now I have to go lay back down. I’m home sick today and you guys have completely laughed me into a coughing attack!

      Like

  13. :wipes eyes:

    My understanding of a cock sock is that it just covers the *cough* goods (thank you True Blood behind the scenes clip). From my experience men usually aren’t shy about it so is it for the benefit of the women?

    And how can you ask a serious question after THAT post? LOL

    Like

  14. Hartford's Hubby says:

    “(It certainly succeeded in gagging me for a moment)”

    You obviously didn’t read the safety label about removing the knit wrapper before sampling the product! Wahahaha!

    Like

  15. Hartford's Hubby says:

    After watching the movie “Water for Elephants” – I’m left feeling reluctant to disguise my junk as an elephant – all I can picture is Natalie standing in the middle of a candle lit bedroom holding a pink bull hook like samurai warrior!

    Like

    • Now now hubby, what’s wrong with a little role playing to…ummm…spice things up. Thought that’d be right up your alley?! LMAO!!!
      Can I bedazzle the punk bull hook so it’s sparkly? That’d totally made the vision perfect…
      I am so in…”trunks” on order! Woot woot – this is gonna be like the best Christmas EVER!

      Like

  16. lol! Seriously? These are hilarious.

    Like

  17. Okay, I’m off the blogosphere for one day and what do I find here when I’m back? Man, I can’t stop laughing, Jen!!! Mascara running down my face and all. Wonder what would my hubby do with that Lithuanian elephant creation. Most likely would smack me with it on the head, ha,ha!

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      My honey would probably go on strike and make me wear them, or they’d end up on the babies head (making us laugh hysterically and take photos we couldn’t show anyone). Glad you like the Epilogue.

      You did see that Cheekies won the popular vote, right?

      Like

  18. Lesann says:

    These rival Kristen Lamb’s “pants of shame”….those at least were from the 70s era. *snort*

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      You know, perhaps I need to make a page for the Undie Chronicles. We DO have a hashtag, you know: #pantypeeps. All Undie news must go there if there’s to be any hope of future epilogues. (Yikes!)

      Like

  19. Couldn’t tear yourself away from those ears, huh? Yeah, right …
    Another classic of the type only you could find, Jenny🙂
    Cheers

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Why thank you, Nigel! You are the first person to catch the complete “trunk in cheek-ness” of that statement about the ears!! I’m glad you’re enjoying the Undie Chronicles…are you sure there aren’t some Mundies out there with your name on them?

      Like

  20. How did I miss this yesterday? I’m speechless. Traumatized a bit, too. Did you see the trunk on that thing?

    Ah, heck with it, I’m going to order me some of these mundies for my sweetheart! Merry Christmas and all that fun stocking stuffer stuff!

    Like

  21. Jillian Dodd - Glitter, Bliss and Perfect Chaos says:

    Love the undies posts!! The cock sock is great. How perfect for one of those white elephant gift exchanges!!

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Definitely an emphasis on the Elephant, right Jillian? Hah!

      I think this Etsy knitter in Lithuania needs to build a shrine to me for all this business she’s getting.🙂

      Like

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  23. Oh man! My son just asked if any of those are like Pinocchio. Dang teenagers!

    Like

  24. Okay, a mouthful of wine wasted – ended up on the screen. Ugh. You need a big warning sign on top of these post, Jen. I have a few guy friends I could give these to….thanks for the idea!

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Diana,

      If it’s Monday, we’re probably laughing our guts out. It’s just the way it is over here.🙂

      Merry Christmas to your men friends – hope they enjoy filling those trunks!

      Like

  25. My husband looked at these, gave me The Stink Eye and said he will never wear a malephant!!
    Hahahaha!! LMAO!

    Like

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  27. Roy Bronson says:

    Hi Jenny,
    Plenty humorous from a woman’s perspective, but can see some men may find these a little too revealing, and encourage depression.
    Have you heard of the two types of trunks? The show-er, and the grow-er? The show-er would be comfortable, as his measurement would be the same size as the knitted product, but Mr. Grow-er, would find the size a warehouse of room, until his trunk was, well… opened. I could see him being laughed at by his spouse unless he stuffed his truck with Viagra. We have all heard the warnings of “…last more than four hours”. Besides, if that did occur, going into the ER with those mandies on would be death from embarrassment.
    Lol, okay. Enjoyed the blog, but I’ll keep my boxers.😉

    Like

  28. Ummn, yeah. Thanks for the education? I couldn’t resist going through all four pages about cock socks over there at the Urban Dictionary and then some. Interesting. Lol.

    BTW my husband took one look at the sexy pachyderm wear with the big ears and because he knows me so well said ‘no’ before I could say a word. He’s no fun. Pout.

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      OMG, Angela! You went through all four pages??? I’m completely impressed. Nifty definitions, no?

      Your hubby wont wear the Pachyderm Mundies?? He doesn’t know what he’s missing. No wonder you’re pouting.🙂

      Like

      • I was loving the portmanteau of Malefant, but now I think I like Pachymunds. My husband is getting the blue pachymunds g-string and just because it’s the kind of mom I am, my son is going to get the fuller, big eared pachymunds. Oh, yeah. It’s going to be a gooooood Christmas at Etherton House!

        Like

        • You are such a cool wife and mom. Can you take pictures when your husband and son open their pachymunds? I’m sure their expressions will be priceless.

          Like

        • I absolutely will. Maybe not of hubs wearing it, cause that might scare the bejeepers out of you. And quite frankly, I really don’t want to see my son in it. Ever. It’ll be his special treat for future girlfriends.

          Like

      • If I didn’t have a dirty mind before I do now. I’ve got that site marked in my fav menu now. I’m gonna have fun impressing or horrifying (whatever the case may be) my husband with my new vocabulary. Lol.

        Like

  29. Hartford's Hubby says:

    From the kitchen this morning – I hear “EEEEECCCCKKKKKKKKK! WAHAHAHA!”.
    “They come in different colors…..” I turn around to a small LCD screen filled to the brim with a colored elephant cock sock accessorized with pink ears!

    As I think to myself – “oh dear god – what have you done Jenny Hansen!?”

    Like

    • Insert Evil Laugh Here! Wahahahahahahahaha
      And just picture them…BEDAZZLED!!! I can’t WAIT for Christmas – it’s just going to be such a SPECIAL day in our home….
      I’ll have to remember to charge the camera batteries!
      Now hubby, you have to admit, these are an improvement to that damn wool sock of yours?!?!?

      Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      I know!! I added the addendum on today just to be sure you could get a snazzy pair for the holidays if you wished.🙂

      Admit it, I just keep on giving when no one else does. ahahahahaha….

      Like

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