A Christmas Conversation That Was Both Naughty AND Nice…

A Pretty Kitty from FloppyCats.com

Christmas morning at the Hansen House ROCKED!

Last year at this time we were grieving my mother-in-law’s passing and rehabbing a house in one of the rainiest seasons Southern California has ever had.

I cannot describe to you the relief of having all that behind us and waking up Christmas morning with nothing to do but drink caffeinated beverages and enjoy watching Baby Girl learn about Christmas.

Our morning was filled with stockings and Elmo and the Little People. (My brother thought I was talking about midgets! I’m talking about Fisher Price people she can hold in her hand. They sit in buses and slide down tunnels and such. Baby Girl is delighted with the Little People. And wrapping paper and boxes.)

Anyway, one of the things I put in her stocking were band-aids. (I’m a mom! Sue me.) We know we’re going to need them so it’s nice to get boxes with cute pictures so she feels kindly toward them when the Boo-Boo comes.

I got a box of Elmo band-aids because he’s her favorite and a Hello Kitty box because it was cute.  So, Baby Girl gets after her stocking like a veteran and she’s shaking this Hello Kitty box like a pair of primo maracas.

Hubby and I started laughing and I’m sipping my first cup of coffee and thinking all is right with the world.

Then HE says: I guess we can be happy it’s the Hello Kitty box and not the Pretty Kitty box, if you know what I mean. I’d be worried.

Me: Say what?? I DON’T know what you mean. What’s the Pretty Kitty box? Are you on crack? (My standard response before two cups of coffee.)

Hubby: You’ve never seen the Pretty Kitty ad? It comes in the mailer, like to our house.

Me: Are you talking about the Death by Advertising rags I throw in the trash?

Hubby: I guess so.

Me: No…I’ve never seen that ad. WHAT  is Pretty Kitty?

Hubby: You know…they wax. They do Brazilians and bikinis…stuff like that.

Me: Dude. You don’t even  know what a Brazilian is if we’re not talking about a person from South America.

Hubby: Oh, I know  what a Brazilian is.

Me: Have you ever had  a Brazilian??

Hubby: Um, NO. That would be painful.

Me: Holy Mother of God! You DO know what a Brazilian is! How do you know this?

Hubby: I might have watched pornographic material from time to time.

Me: *snort* So what exactly does a Brazilian look like?

Hubby: A landing strip. You know…on your va-jay-jay.

Me: *long stare* OK, so you know. GOOD FOR YOU. Is this Pretty Kitty really  a place? You’re not making it up?

Hubby: It’s a place.

Me: *looking it up on the internet* Holy crap! There’s like EIGHT Pretty Kitty locations. That’s a whole lot of waxing.

Hubby: I guess there’s a lot of kitties being landscaped.

Me: *beady eyes* You’re not suggesting that I need some landscaping…RIGHT??! 

Hubby: Not suggesting a thing. Relax. Drink your coffee.

Me: Hmmmm. *chugging caffeine* You know, I have a family blog…I can’t put stuff like Pretty Kitty in.

Hubby: You have the UNDIE CHRONICLES. How can you call this a family blog?

Me: There was nothing explicit in that! No body parts or anything like landing strips.

Hubby: You had TRUNKS! Plus you had the Rowdy Beaver!! And why can’t  you have stuff about body parts? Where do they think a family comes from?

Me: Never mind.

Am I the only one who has this sort of conversation before coffee? What was your  Christmas like? Did you have innocuous conversation or did your morning go Crazytown like mine? Enquiring minds always want to know these things here at More Cowbell!

Happy Day after Christmas…🙂
Jenny

About Jenny Hansen

Avid seeker of "more"...More words, more creativity, More Cowbell! An extrovert who's terribly fond of silliness. Founding blogger at Writers In The Storm (http://writersinthestormblog.com). Write on!
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38 Responses to A Christmas Conversation That Was Both Naughty AND Nice…

  1. HA! I am glad you had a wonderful Christmas morning… this reaction::: Me: *long stare* OK, so you know. GOOD FOR YOU. Is this Pretty Kitty really a place? You’re not making it up? :::: cracked me up!
    I can relate ..🙂
    Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am off to check out this “pretty kitty” website and probably feel like a cave woman.

    Great post, Jenny!

    Like

  2. Laura Drake says:

    OMG, you KNOW I’m at my 82 year old, conservative (in the way only a Texan can be conservative) mother-in-law’s house, right? Just the THOUGHT of landing strips while I’m under her roof makes me snicker (behind my hand, of course.)

    I still live in fear she’ll find out that her son and I had SEX once! Okay, more than once, but once would be enough to give her a stroke, so I’m not admitting to more than one.

    Needless to say, your Christmas morning was WAY different than mine!
    But I had snow — nahner nanner nanner!

    Like

  3. Too snorting funny, Jenny!

    Baby Girl plays Hello Kitty Band-Aid Maracas while Mommy and Daddy discuss Brazilian landing strips.

    I know what a Brazilian is. I did NOT know what a Brazilian blow-out was. SO, about six months ago, the owner of the salon that provides free styling in exchange for me writing promo material includes Brazilian Blow-Out as one of his specials. My mind immediately thought, “does that mean a Brazilian PLUS leg, arm, face, pits, toes, nose? All non-essential body hair?” I needed to know b/c I write a “why you should jump on this offer NOW blurb” for each special.

    Sherry didn’t know and suggested I ask the MALE owner. Um. No, thanks. I asked around. Yes. Even at the workout room. Yes. At Starbucks. My sister finally enlightened me. It’s a technique used to tame long, thick, curly HAIR ON THE HEAD. In my own defense…

    ERK! I have no good defense.

    Like

  4. *giggle, snort*

    (this post has reduced me to a teenage-esque, sniggering mess)

    Like

  5. Your Christmas morning sounds an awful lot like mine. The kids STILL get bandaids in their stockings (Hello Kitty or My Little Pony for the girl, Elmo or Pound Puppies for the boy, I’m a sexist bandaider, get over it). Except now, even the kids are in on the conversation because sometimes they know more than mommy. Ugh. Teenagers and young adults!

    By the way, Gloria’s reaction to Brazillian Blowout cracked me up. Poor thing! Does it include the toes and nostrils? Brilliant.

    Like

  6. O.M.G. LOVE it! This is totally a conversation hubby and I would have. And let me tell you, whenever he’s asked if I need some landscaping, he would answer with a resounding “hell yes”! Lord give me strength – he’d probably run (not walk) me into a Pretty Kitty if I’d let him. The man is a sick ol’ pervert. Seriously. He needs help. I am NOT a porn star afterall nor do I need to try and look like one. What’s wrong with just keeping the old bikini line neatly trimmed?!?!
    Our Christmas was fahhhbulous!! We did have ONE conversation that’ll knock your socks off and is right UP there with the Pretty Kitty convo!! Stay tuned because I will feature it this Wednesday as part of Urban Word Wednesday so you can ONLY imagine!?!?!? LOL!!!

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with keeping the line neatly trimmed (instead of yanking out the hair on your privates with hot wax). You tell him to keep all that bushwhackin’ away from your bidness!!

      Like

  7. Emma Burcart says:

    Your Christmas conversation sounds tame and lovely to my ears. Yesterday my parents recounted the story of accidentally walking in on my 90 year old grandfather, naked. They got a full frontal view and talked about it. Over dinner. Oh yeah, that’s my family.

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      90 year old FULL FRONTAL of your parents??! Dang dude. How do you get that visual out of your head? Still, someday we’re all gonna be seeing our parentals nekkid when we take care of them, but that doesn’t mean I’d want to discuss it over dinner.

      Poor Emma! I’ll bet you had LOTS of wine.🙂

      Like

  8. Hartford's Hubby says:

    Poor Hansen Hubby – Totally fell for the trickery of female leading questions!

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Yeah, yeah. He shouldn’t have been bringing up landscaping issues (or any others) before coffee. I have a pin that says, “Give the scary lady some coffee!” That’s all I’m saying…

      Like

  9. Julie Glover says:

    Parenthood gets really fun when your KIDS start coming home from school asking such questions: “Hey, mom, what’s a Brazilian?” Oh yeah, fun stuff yet to come.😉 Enjoy the Hello Kitty and Little People world while you can!

    Like

  10. Love little people, I’m with Baby Girl! Your conversations sound enlightening, and of course we (umm) never talk about anything like that! (Ok, so yep, we do. And worse than that sometimes. But now my kids are big, so we have to hide in the closet and hope they’re not listening!)

    Like

  11. K.B. Owen says:

    Wow, Jenny, you guys crack me up. And on Christmas morning! After one of those Brazilian waxes, Rudolph’s nose wouldn’t be the only thing shiny and red, LOL.

    Merry Christmas!

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Yeah, no kidding. When I read about the side effects of waxing, I got a little woozy. They’re on crack! In essence they say, “Oh that lil ol’ wax ripping off large strips of hair? Phooey…it’s like a quick pinch.” Sadists.

      Like

  12. tomwisk says:

    Pretty Kitty, hmmm. Instructional video? Better not find out. Got to avoid diversions. Don’t need the pain.

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Tom, I hate to tell you, but I do believe there are a few videos on your site. Don’t hurt yourself, but if you “happen” to view them…I hope you’ll tell us how they are.🙂

      Like

  13. I think you hubby might have a point – a Brazilian and your famous Undie Chronicals might be a serious mark in a new era of blogging! I mean, think about it…

    Uhmmm… Happy New Year🙂

    Like

  14. ROFL…while I could see such a conversation happening between That Man and me (and for what it’s worth Nat, your guy and my guy sound scary alike!) it couldn’t happen Christmas morning…

    All the Who boys woke bright and early and rushed for their toys! And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!

    Glad you had a happy Christmas Jenny🙂

    Like

  15. *wiping coffee off keyboard and screen…* – our Christmas morning included Superhero and Dora bandaids in the stockings (grandkids aged 3 and 4) and Hello Kitty p.j.’s but no mention of the “other” Kitty. I can’t wait to hear what the New Year’s Eve chat will be at your house. Keep us laughing, Jenny!

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      The band-aids out there rock, eh?? I could NOT believe there were so many different kinds, but then I’m new at all this parenting business. I’m soooo glad you enjoy our chats, Patricia!

      Like

  16. I’ll never look at the Hello Kitty again without thinking of this conversation. You guys are so funny!

    Our morning conversation efforts were completely centered on making polite noises while opening gifts.

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      I don’t know about you, but I’m thinking of doing some undercover work at Pretty Kitty after reading that website. Dying to see the actual training they mention!🙂

      Like

  17. Note to self (and others)–this should not be read while also trying to drink anything. Oh the random conversations. This was hilarious🙂

    Like

  18. kerrymeacham says:

    Okay, I know you’re gonna snort coffee through your nose when I tell you my first thought of what “pretty kitty” meant. First off, it is 5:40 a.m. when I’m reading this and the coffee is perking (no, my brain isn’t working). I read the pretty kitty and immediately think of the “Big Bang” song that Sheldon has his mother sing to him when he’s sick, which when I look up the lyrics doesn’t actually have pretty kitty in it anywhere, but again, I’m half asleep.

    “Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.”

    Okay, now when I read what pretty kitty really means, I think about the song and Big Bang, and I’m glad I don’t have a mouthful of coffee. The song fits I suppose, as well as the show title. I’m just sayin’.

    Good lord, there is no way I can write this without is sounding perverted in some way, shape, form, or fashion. Another reason that a guy should never talk about these things, because it always eventually goes to hell in an handbasket. I’ll stop now before I dig the hole any deeper. Damn, I did it again. Really stopping this time.

    Out.

    Like

  19. kerrymeacham says:

    Glad I could help, Tameri.

    Like

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