Hubby’s Jewels Threatened by Doctor With Tuna…

TUNA

Bluefin Tuna photo from Pixabay

I swear to God, that’s the headline at our house this week. (And yes, I’ll explain.) The last time we talked this much about the Hubby’s junk was October of 2011 when the Thunderwear discussion erupted.

For those of you who missed the Thunderwear talk, and are too sleepy to click that link, it went like this:

On a long-ago October Monday (in Volume 2 of the Undie Chronicles) I mentioned the Thunderwear my honey was lusting after. Some of the More Cowbell posse had me in stitches because they thought Thunderwear referenced those bottom-of-the-drawer undies that have seen better days.

*clutching sides giggling all over again*

Thunderwear is actually a concealed carry gun holster that fits over the top of a dude’s “junk.” Swear.

When I was writing Volume 2, I asked my guy what kind of underwear would get him excited, he answered “Thunderwear.”

[Of course I had to look it up to figure out what he was talking about.]

Imagine this INSIDE the pants, shorts, etc. Does this look cozy to you?

Do you see that gun aiming right at this man’s family jewels.

When I mentioned that to my husband, he said, “You know, technically we’re done having kids so they can’t be called ‘the family jewels’ anymore.”

Me: Okay fine, we’ll just call them “MY jewels,” and agree that I’d like to keep you from shooting them OFF.

Hubby: You don’t actually aim at your junk. You position the gun at 11 o’clock. (This is accompanied by him pointing, showing me that his belt buckle is at 6 o’clock and his jewels were at high noon.) If in doubt, be sure to reference the photo.

Me: Oh, so you can accidentally shoot yourself in the femoral artery and die in 10 minutes? Yeah, I’m really embracing this Thunderwear idea.

Hubby: I’ve never heard of anyone shooting their rocks off, but it does give a whole new meaning to “blow job,” doesn’t it?

Me: *cracking up* Good one, Honey. You are sooooo bloggable.

[In case, you’d like to see Thunderwear in action, I’ve included a video. This guy kills me because he is SO SERIOUS. Plus he says, “If you know what I mean” in the perfect spot.]

Anyway, that’s the last time we had any major discussions about my man’s junk. But this Wednesday, he’s having an outpatient surgery called “the TUNA” where they get all loosey-goosey with some needles up his junk.

[And yes, I obtained permission before writing this post.]

The Mayo Clinic describes the procedure like this:

During TUNA, a specially adapted visual instrument (cystoscope) is inserted through your urethra. Using the cystoscope, your doctor guides a pair of tiny needles into the prostate tissue that is pressing on the urethra. Then radio waves are passed through the needles to create scar tissue.

Doesn’t that sound so pretty? Like he’s going to have kicky show tunes floating out of his crotch or something?

Um, no. No, that’s not the way it goes down (or I guess I should say up) at all.

They use those needles to burn up the prostate and make it contract, and then they make him wear a catheter for several days “in case of swelling.”

Insert Jenny Thought Bubble:
They’re basically gonna light part of my dude’s jewels on fire, and they think there MIGHT be swelling? I think the guys who write the copy for these sites are smoking crack.

Needless to say, I’ve had TONS of questions for the doctors, and the discussion of my guy’s junk has been copious this week, if you know what I mean.

Do you know anything I should know about the TUNA? Please give us some great jokes for this procedure – we need some new material. What’s on your mind this week (besides my guy’s junk)? Enquiring minds love to know these things here at More Cowbell!

~ Jenny

Posted in Health, Humor | Tagged , , , , , | 26 Comments

My Week in Review — the Good, the Bad and the Cray-Cray

We just had one of the most bizarre weeks at my house.

It was Father’s Day, so that part was good. My guy is the BEST daddy and we took him out for great food and beach time.

Family

Okay, she likes me too. :-) We were telling “daddy presents” secrets.

Mommy Brunch

And there was much dancing at the beach.

Dancing at the BeachDayOfHats

So where was the downside of the week? The work! The crazy work schedule that takes us away from the fun. And my guy’s company bought a company so they lopped off the back half of our vacation to bring him home. I am doing half of our painstakingly planned summer vacation without my husband. [Waaaaaaahhhhh!]

And all day Friday, I thought it was Thursday…

Oy. This week already looks to be more of the same. So I’ll leave you with a video to make you laugh. My week feels a lot like this text, and it’s only Tuesday.

[lobe you, y’all! I lobe you.]

Are you getting a Summer break? What are you doing with it? And does anyone on the More Cowbell posse live in Oklahoma? Enquiring minds need to know these things here at More Cowbell!

~ Jenny

For the writers who hang out here, if you haven’t been keeping up at Writers In The Storm, you are missing out! In the last week alone, we’ve had killer Scrivener Tips from Gwen Hernandez, groovy spy stuff from Bayard & Holmes, a great piece on novellas from Kait Nolan and the Paradox of Writing from the always thought-provoking Kathryn Craft.

Posted in Life's Challenges | Tagged , , , , | 19 Comments

Undie Chronicles, Vol. 29: Scratch N Sniff Undies

Those of you who are new to More Cowbell might have missed The Undie Chronicles. The regular posse here knows: When the Undie-verse speaks, we will always listenI had no idea when this began that there were so many hilarious undie-based topics to discuss. Plus it’s Monday, and I like to start the week with a good belly laugh.

I keep my ear to the undie-verse ground, in case anything interesting pops up, if you know what I mean. Several weeks ago, THIS article shows up: Charleville Home Hardware now stocks men’s underwear.

Of course, I want to scope out this hardware store, and also discover where the heck is Charleville, so I can send one of the posse in for a browse.

[Charleville is in Australia, y’all. In Queensland, on the east side of the continent, to be precise. In the county of Toowoomba. Are any members of the More Cowbell posse near Toowoomba? *bats pretty-please eyelashes*]

The article says:

After the closure of Target last year, the Charleville community began to wonder where they could buy the essentials – socks and jocks. 

A number of small businesses stepped up, bringing in new lines and increasing their supply to help the community, and now Home Hardware has done the same.

“We saw the Tradies undies at a trade show last month and thought it wasn’t a bad idea after Target shut down.”

My feverish little brain is looking up “tradies,” the whole time hoping they’re referring to “tradesmen” because undies are a private personal item that should not be traded. 

Lo and behold, there is a whole company dedicated to cladding the manly bits of Australia’s tradesmen. HUZZAH! I rushed off to explore Tradie Underwear and discovered a whole new undie-sphere.

[Not to worry, Ladies, they have Tradie Lady apparel as well.]

But back to the men…

These cats at Tradie have trunk types I’ve never even heard of: Fitted, Bound, Manfront, No Stink, and Big Pouch.

What kind of tradesmen are they breeding over there in Australia?

Perhaps “Down Under” refers to and area I’ve never considered…

Seriously, y’all, there are a plethora of man-trunk choices in Australia. I fear the Americans are sadly behind.

In exploring this new marketplace, I found all the aforementioned brands and much, much more. Finally, I scrolled down to the Limited Edition section, which just says “Coming Soon.” (Lucky bastards.)

Tradie Scratch N Sniff

Check it out. They’ve got UV Print, which sounds useful, and Bright Spark, which sounds super-festive. And…

Scratch N Sniff underpants? Are you kidding me?

I love my guy. I really, really do. But I don’t want to sniff around his underpants, not even with the “hot dog” or “rad pineapple” options.

Undies

You’ve gotta draw  your line in the sand somewhere, and I’m drawing mine in front of the Scratch N Sniff section.

Don’t get me wrong. I think the marketing team at Tradie are right up there with the folks at PooPourri. I give them full points for creative advertising and general naughtiness.

To give you an example, these are some recent Facebook updates:

Undies

(You know you’re clicking that link to Like their page.)

But I’m saying “NO” to the Sniffies. I won’t be importing those particular undies here to the West Coast.

What say you, friends? Would you buy or wear Scratch and Sniff underpants? Which Facebook update above is your favorite? Enquiring minds always want to know these things here at More Cowbell!

~ Jenny

p.s. It was a bang-up week over at Writers In the Storm last week. We had an eye-opening post from Les Edgerton on defining characters through action and an amazing post from Gwen Hernandez on the Top 10 Scrivener Features for Writers. Both these generous souls are answering questions.

Posted in Humor, Undie Chronicles | Tagged , , , , , | 22 Comments

Squirrel Underpants and Other Useful Links

Because the More Cowbell Universe loves me, one of my readers sent me a link to Squirrel Underpants. They’re too small for me, but I thought they might give you some wild weekend chitter-chatter.

Underpants

Endorsed by SmallAnimalDecency.com, these babies are a wild value at only $6.50.

If you have more questions about ’em, here’s the link to Frequently Asked Questions. My favorite?

Why should I care about naked squirrels?

Naked squirrels are contributing to the moral decay of our world! They flaunt their nudity and run around like tiny furry streakers. These underpants are a perfect, simple solution to a big, complicated problem.

Do  your part for the environment and get some streaking squirrel a pair of underpants! I’ve got a ninja in the back yard that could totally use these suckers.

On another note, I promised to keep giving y’all links to my eHow articles in case any of the topics are useful:

I tell you, my life is downright scintillating…dead people, dating and used cars.

Have you seen squirrel undies before now? Ever seen a “live pair?” Enquiring minds LOVE to know these things here at More Cowbell!

~ Jenny

p.s. This is the 700th post here at More Cowbell. That’s simply amazing to me, and it is so fitting to have “Underpants” in the title! Thank y’all for making it so fun here. :-)

Posted in Humor, More Cowbell | Tagged , , , | 9 Comments

What Is UP at More Cowbell?

Undie Chronicles

Photo by Liz Henry – Flickr – https://www.flickr.com/photos/lizhenry/249429188

The short answer to the title question is: not as much lately. Y’all have been a bit neglected of late. I’ve had two hilarious Undie Chronicles on deck for three weeks now, with not so much time to write them because I’ve been writing other things. LOTS of other things.

Perhaps the question circling your noggin now is:
What could Jenny be writing that’s more important than ‘Scratch and Sniff Undies?’

[What? That wasn’t your question?]

I’m deep in edits on my book.

My pals got sick of me just calling it “the nun book” so it became A SISTER IN NEED, which won the Rising Star contest last year. The current working title is ROSARIES MAKE BAD THONGS. (We might do a title vote here at More Cowbell before it’s all said and done.) I’m sending out sections of it to beta readers and getting it ready to hand over to an editor.

I’ve been building a freelance writing career.

After a year of hard work, that was interrupted by a hip surgery, the freelance writing gig is starting to gain traction. I’ve written more than 100 articles in the last year, not including the ghostwriting, the press releases, the web copy, or the copywriting.

It occurred to me that some of these articles might help my peeps, so here are the latest:

Obviously I like showing people how to do nifty computer stuff and where to learn programs for free! I’ll start linking to these articles here at More Cowbell so y’all can use them too.

This freelance stuff includes a Jenny Hansen LLC site, which isn’t ready yet, but I’m finally starting to pay attention to it. You’d be doing me a serious favor to click that link, take a peek at it and tell me what you think down in the comments.

Here’s the header graphic (isn’t my designer pal, Clair, awesome?):

Jenny Hansen

Finally, there was the garage sale, birthday party, kindergarten whirlwind, which are all (thankfully) in the past.

In my research travels, I discovered Patrick Flynn from Smart Passive Income, and this guy is like an online superhero. He makes me feel like a slacker. Here’s a summary of his 2014.

And finally, the video that made me laugh. It’s just so full of testosterone.

Catch me up with all of you! What have you been working on? What are you excited about? What has made you laugh this week? Enquiring minds love to know these things here at More Cowbell!

~ Jenny

Posted in More Cowbell | Tagged , , , , | 19 Comments

5 Ways Kindergarten Prep Feels Like a Job Interview

kindergarten, kids

It’s Thoughty Thursday, and I’m gonna get my rant on. It feels like I’ve been preparing for my kid to go to kindergarten for at least 4 months now.

What happened to the days when you just took a piece of mail, filled out a form and sent your kid to the school in their district? Was that scenario just a figment of my imagination? Why does this feel like a job interview? She doesn’t even start till September.

Do you see the similarities too?

1. You must submit at least 3 forms of ID to the HR Department.

A driver’s license with your current address, a property tax bill, the kid’s birth certificate… And that’s to the district, who is only open for limited times three days a week. We aren’t even talking about the school yet.

Seriously, y’all? What if the family has just moved? Those poor people have to brave the DMV before their kid can go to school? It’s kindergarten, not a space mission.

2. Multiple interviews over several months.

I’ve done orientations for three public schools in my district – one is a magnet school, so that one was optional, but I’m in an area between two elementary schools. Each orientation tells me about the same thing, takes two hours, is tightly regimented and leaves me wondering if this will be the final step.

3. Acceptance hinges on the medical report.

For adults, it’s a drug test; for kids it’s the vaccination report and doctor’s form. What’s all that stuff I heard about “the parent’s choice to vaccinate” the kid?

I’m a firm believer in vaccines, but I’m shocked at how involved this medical report is. Plus, you can’t get it covered via insurance until after the child has a birthday, so my neighbor is having to pay $80 to get it done early before all the kindergarten classes fill up and she’s stuck in the “overflow” classes.

4. Surveys and tests that make no sense.

I don’t know if you’ve ever done those employment tests where they have you manipulate shapes, do math problems that have no bearing on the job, and answer the same question 14 times: No really, I still won’t steal, whether it’s five bucks, five hundred, or five paper clips. Filling out kindergarten forms feels like that, and nobody shares information.

5. You’re pressured to agree to everything, just to get in.

Why yes, I will fundraise, join the PTA, run your computer lab… *comes up for air* 

Wha-a-a–? Really? I just want to send my kid to school. And I want her to like it, and learn a bunch of cool stuff and not get crushed by bullies. I’ll be volunteering as much as I’m able cuz that’s the way I roll, but these parent organizations come at you like pirahnas. It’s a little spooky.

Today is the doctor’s visit. Tomorrow is the 12 page questionairre (not kidding). Maybe then we’ll be done, and the child can go to kindergarten? PLEASE? *whines* I’ve heard there’s a background check to walk on the field for Little League, so who knows what other joys await.

Do any of you with kids remember it being this hard to enroll your kids in everyday activities? Please let me know what I have to look forward to. I’ve got 100 bottles of wine in this house, so bring it on. I’m ready. Enquiring minds need to know these things here at More Cowbell!

~ Jenny

Photo credit: Robert S. Donovan – FlickrCC License 2.0
Posted in Parenting, Thoughty Thursday | Tagged , , , , | 21 Comments

The Almost X-Rated Garage Sale (Part 2)

In the last two weeks, the Hubs and I have engaged in the energy-sapping double-whammy of “garage sale” and “kid party” over back-to-back weekends. The kid party, complete with margaritas and a bounce house, was a blast.

Disney Princess Bounce House Extraordinaire

Disney Princess Bounce House Extraordinaire

The garage sale? Oh, the garage sale…

It’s taken me more than a week to recover from that one. Seriously. I was traumatized.

It wasn’t just the cleaning, although that was enough to throw my back out and send me running to Facebook for back remedies (thanks, y’all).

It wasn’t the manic husband, although he got that MacGyver look in his eyes: Ooooh, a box. I could take back eight square inches of garage floor by selling the contents of this box!

His brother helped him, and he was even more driven: If it is in a box, it is for SALE. My head is down and I will not notice those were my mother’s silver candlesticks, or that these frames have my niece’s baby pictures in them.

I was minding the kid when they finished Friday night, so I never got to review the sale items. Then those two scamps decided to let me sleep in (you know till 7:30 am). They got started two hours before I got out there on Saturday.

Silly, silly me. I should have booby-trapped the freaking front door.

When I opened the front door (before coffee), the first thing my eyes landed on were my mother’s angels. They are sweet ceramic kissing angels that had been packed lovingly in a box until the Little Bean was to the age where she wouldn’t accidentally break them.

Only now they were balanced on a pile of garage sale crap with someone asking me how much they were. That was the first time I said the words that scared the crap out of the men by the end of the day:

“I’m SO sorry. Those are not for sale.”

This was usually followed by a pissed off remark from the customer, mad that I took the (insert family heirloom) off their pile.

I didn’t get to that first cup of coffee till almost 10, and it’s a wonder nobody died.

It was a lo-o-o-ong day.

I have no idea how many heirlooms walked away, but I personally saved the angels, some silver candlesticks, two signed art works, three birthday presents, tons of family photos and some incredibly expensive custom-made items my husband was planning to sell for a buck.

Then there was the X-rated part, which thankfully happened before I woke up. 

Note: Some of you might remember the Almost X-rated Garage Sale thrown by my mother and the Aunties in small-town Missouri. There were no “red covers” involved in my not-so-small-town SoCal garage sale. (Click that link for more on Red Covers.)

However, there was an incident with a box. A personal box, that was clearly labeled “MEOW.”

I didn’t expect to see the MEOW box tucked behind some charcoal on the front porch. I didn’t actually notice it until I got coffee in my hand. (I’d been living under the delusion that this box was tucked into the top of my closet.)

And before we go any further, you should know that I don’t own a cat. I’m allergic to cats.

The MEOW box is the toy box. The single-girl sexy pie box. The box you have your best friend grab and hide in the event of your death. There was no good reason why the MEOW box would be on the front porch.

So this conversation happened:

Me: [Taking deep breaths so as not to take the Hubs’ head off. Again.] *sips coffee* Honey, thanks for saving the MEOW box. I’d have died if anyone like your brother saw that.

Him: I don’t know if my brother saw it. It was chaos this morning. But two Latino men saw it, because one of them asked me how much it was.

Me: *shakes blood back into head* WHAT?

Him: Yes, one of the men waved me over, wiggled his eyebrows and said, “Es for the girls, yes?” I didn’t know what he meant until he started waving one of the vibrators.

Me: He waved— *covers face* Ohmigod. Ohmigod. Ohmigod.

Him: I thanked him, folded up the box and tossed it on the porch. His friend offered me ten bucks for the whole box, but I thought you might want to look in it first.

Me: Oh. My. Lord. DID YOUR BROTHER SEE ANY OF THIS?

Him: It’s been a madhouse out here. I don’t think he looked at anything. He just kept unpacking.

Me: I’ll be back in a minute. I need to add some liquor to this coffee.

I don’t know if I’ll ever recover from this garage sale. I do know we won’t be having another one unless I take a more active role. However the Hubs is happy because his garage looked like this when we were done.

Empty Garage

What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever bought or sold at a garage sale? Enquiring minds love to know these things here at More Cowbell!

~ Jenny

p.s. Have y’all be tweeting in the month of May with the #ChooseThisDay hashtag?

Also, Jess Witkins and August McLaughlin (GirlBoner) are up for different categories in the Badass Blog Award from Indie Chicks. Click here to vote for them – voting closes tomorrow (May 15)!

Posted in Humor, More Cowbell | Tagged , , , , , | 28 Comments

Make a Difference: “Choose This Day”

This week, we’re switching our More Cowbell Monday with our Thoughty Thursday. I know, I know…I’ve got an Undie Chronicle on deck and today is the day to LAUGH. What about if we laughed about just being alive?

Kathryn Craft’s post at Writers In The Storm today got me thinking, and I’ll bet it does the same for you.

depression, Kathryn Craft

Her latest novel, The Far End of Happy, is based on her first husband’s suicide standoff.

As Kathryn said:

On the day my husband chose death over life, “choose this day” became my mantra. Each day, no matter how sad or horrified or frustrated I felt, I chose life—and with this simple daily act, my sense of empowerment grew.

Read her post about coping when “stormy seas threaten to sink your spirit” and about her May 1st Twitter campaign to #ChooseThisDay: Making a Difference in the World.

TryTodayThe campaign is simple:

Starting May 1st, and throughout the month, tweet an empowering positive message or quote (like this one!) using the #choosethisday hashtag.

What do you think? Are you in?

~Jenny

Posted in Inspiration | Tagged , , , , , | 25 Comments

Why Facebook Cracks Me Up

I get more blog ideas on Facebook than almost anywhere else on the web. Probably it’s because I have stellar friends, but I really think it’s the conversation.

Kitt Crescendo posted a photo to my page for the Undie Chronicles, only I don’t know if there’s enough yarn there to chronicle. It looks like a well-placed sneeze would’ve sent this guy’s junk into the blogosphere. This is a family blog (sort of), so I’m not going to show the photo – click here for that.

They’re charging $18.99 for this thing! That’s “low way” robbery, if you know what I mean…

Evidently I’m in the wrong line of work, because I’m a knitter and I could swear this was made out of no more than a dollar’s worth of yarn. Still, we had a tremendous time chatting about it.

My favorite comments:

  • Oh. Good. Gravy. How….I don’t even know what to say. He’s the shaven yak.
  • MY EYES….MY EYES…they are BURNING!!!!!!
  • I’m sorry, but that just makes me itch.
  • Having a hot flash!!!!!!!
  • What happens if he gets “excited”? I don’t think that yarn with stretch all that far.
  • It’s so small, you almost want to put a pink bow next to it and say “aww how cute…” words no man wants to hear about their junk

And finally, these two Buzzfeed videos.

I could get lost in BuzzFeed’s YouTube channel all day long, but the “Try Guys” are my favorite. They will try anything, even drag (as you can see below). Best quotes of the entire video:

  • All of the unrepeatables from these guys trying to tuck in their manly parts.
  • No “daughter” of mine is going to do drag in flats.

Oh, and the glue sticks. I had no idea drag queens were making such a run on glue sticks.

I don’t know about you, but I had a hard time deciding on my favorite queen. They were all so brazen and fearless. And Eugene, the Asian man, shaved more of his body than I do. I’m just sayin…

Here’s some misheard lyrics to round out your Monday:

The hubs does this all the time. His most notable is from Take It Easy by the Eagles: “I’m looking for a lover who won’t blow my brother. She’s so-oh hard to find…

And Daven Anderson sings Elton John:

♫ “She’s got electric boobs,
and Moe has food.
You know I read it in a Pakistani novel,
B-B-B Bennie and the Jets.” ♫

What’s your favorite misheard lyric? Would you ever wear any of that crazy knitted underwear? Do you like drag shows? Enquiring minds LOVE to know these things here at More Cowbell!

Now I’m back to Writing Up a Storm over on Facebook!

~ Jenny

Posted in Humor, Social Media | Tagged , , , , | 31 Comments

Undie Chronicles, Vol. 28b: End Undie Discrimination!

Those of you who are new to More Cowbell might have missed The Undie Chronicles. The regular posse here knows: When the Undie-verse speaks, we will always listenI had no idea when this began that there were so many hilarious undie-based topics to discuss. Plus it’s Monday, and I like a good Monday belly laugh.

This post is a follow-up to February’s Undie Chronicles post about the U.S. Patent and Trade Office thinking the American public is too puritanical to embrace the word, “ComfyBalls.” (See below.)

I call, “Foul!”

ComfyBalls - Immoral

You can click here if you want to add your vote (and I recommend you DO). The site is called Fight For Your Balls and, whether you’ve got ’em or not, this is about discrimination more than the actual “man sack.”

Why can Duluth Trading Company have “Ballroom Jeans” (which my guy says are super-cozy) here in the U.S. and this Norwegian company can’t sell ComfyBalls? Duluth can sell the “Crouch without the Ouch” slogan, but ComfyBalls has to sell in the U.S. with naming conventions like “McBalls.”

WHAT?!

If you plan to fight this discriminatory practice, here’s a tweet from a ComfyBalls evangelist, Allan, showing you the hashtags for the cause.

Allan also says:

Another @ observation: their “RHT” (”reduced heat transfer”) is no BS; compared to my usual underwear, feel 10x less sweaty now.

[I don’t know that I want to know that much about what’s in Allan’s pants, but the internet is about sharing information, right?]

Besides spreading the “Undie Word,” y’all can go vote on alternate names for these Illegal Underpants!


ComfyBalls - Suggestion

 

There are tons of suggestions already at Fight For Your Balls. Here are the ones I split my sides over:

  • SackShack
  • Free Willy
  • E.Y.B. (Embrace Your Balls)
  • Great Balls of Fire
  • Cool Beans
  • ManHammocks
  • ScrotelMotel
  • Hot Rocks
  • ROAR

My opinion? They should just stick with the original (awesome!) name, or call it ComfyB*lls if they must be politically correct on this.

What is your opinion? Do you have a favorite “alternate name?” Enquiring minds LOVE to know these things here at More Cowbell!

~ Jenny

Posted in Humor, Undie Chronicles | Tagged , , , , , | 24 Comments