Well, of course I do. I’ll bet you do too, since you’re hanging out here with me. 🙂
Y’all know I went to Missouri a few weeks back to see my family, right? There’s just nothing like a family vacation or a Clan Coffee Klatch, at least when we’re talking about my clan. They’re amazing. (Who else would’ve answered all my whacked out questions about chickens?) Still, when I visited, I didn’t expect to find so much Dirty Minded Signage while I was driving around.
I’ve gotten used to the Springfield, MO convenience stores that don’t seem to make anyone else pause.
It took me a few visits to take that place in stride. The first time, I sat in the passenger seat while my husband pumped gas, clutching my sides, pointing at the sign and gasping for air. Maybe it was the little registered trademark symbol they include (like someone’s dying to steal that logo). Maybe it was jetlag.
I was doing fine until we passed the Rowdy Beaver. (Yeah, for real…and they have MULTIPLE LOCATIONS. The newest is on Dickson Street. I mean, what were they thinking? They couldn’t go a few blocks over to Percy or Main or wherever?)
After that, it was a free for all – we were in hysterics about everything we passed. The God And Country Theater was across from Billy Bob’s Dairyland. The Ragin’ Rhino Tattoo parlor was just down from the Hillbilly Kitchen. Plus, we started using Leanne Shirtliffe’s (aka The Ironic Mom’s) trick of adding “if you know what I mean“ on the end of every name. (Be sure to read her post when you’re done here…it’s stellar.)
It didn’t matter if it was funny or not, it was hilarious to us. I mean, you try passing a billboard that says “Ride The Ducks!…if you know what I mean.” Go ahead…add it to all the businesses in this post. (Two words: Coffee. Snort.) You’ll see.
When my Branson-dwelling cousin got to the lodge that night for the fish fry, I demanded to know what was up with the Rowdy Beaver. He smiled and said, “Oh, it’s got a great bar. But we don’t call it The ‘Rowdy Beaver.’” I (of course) wanted to know what he did call it, figuring the locals had classed it up a little.
He blushed to the roots of his hair and mumbled that he’d tell me later, rolling his eyes toward his parents and the older folk. Well, you’ve already seen what the “older folk” will discuss in last Monday’s blog on chickens (referenced above…can anyone say “gang bang?”).
No topic is sacred with my family so they dragged it out of him, much to my satisfaction. Rather than call it the Rowdy Beaver, Bransonites (dunno if that is even a word) refer to the place as “The Angry Vagina.”
I doubled over laughing at this, staggering around the kitchen. Possibly I tinkled a little. “What else do you have,” I wheezed. “There’s got to be more.”
“Well,” he says, “we do go over to The Bearded Clam in Kimberling City sometimes.”
I looked at my uncle. “He’s making that up, right?”
My uncle shook his head and said, “It used to be worse before they closed the bait shop next door.”
I asked what could possibly be worse than naming an eating establishment “The Bearded Clam.” And they said the old bait shop was called, “Master Baiters.” Swear. To. God.
I had to race to the bathroom at that point (cuz you know, your “floor” drops when you have a baby and laughing your guts out gets a “wee bit” embarrassing.)
And do you know the super-duper worst part of this story? The Bearded Clam is billed as a family restaurant. Only in the Bible Belt would there be minds clean enough to eat there with a straight face. I’ll bet they all wear Christian Panties for dinner. Amen.
NOTE to Natalie Hartford: They have Hoodie Sweatshirts stamped “Bearded Clam, Authentic Apparel.” (Like anyone would worry about a knock-off Bearded Clam Hoodie.) You might need some of these for your Twisted Tuesday!
It’s true that my family members aren’t the ones who own these establishments, but still…
Then we visited the Lake of the Ozarks…and saw the kicker. I still can’t believe anyone would name their hotel this but I guess it does leave an impression on people.
Do you suppose they get a lot of multiple visitors? Or just one good one each night? (Sorry, I couldn’t resist.)
The name of the place really is Big Dick’s Halfway Inn (you know you’re clicking that link). If you stay at this resort the next time you’re at the Lake of the Ozarks, please write to me about it!
I tell you, this trip put a whole new spin on the “Show Me” state thing. Since most of “my people” live there, I’ve concluded that I derive from some pervy stock. Who knew, right?
What makes you laugh on family trips? Do you have some places with signs and such that crack you up? Enquiring minds always want to know here at More Cowbell!
SAVE THE DATE! There’s less than two days left before our ginormous ROCK THE ROW(80) Twitter Party. It’s gonna be an amazing shindig – click here for all the details and be sure to go find all the other posts referenced down in the comments. We’re gonna light up the Twitterverse!!!
OMG, no fair making me laugh before I’ve had coffee at 4 am!
But I’m glad you posted this, Jenny — it explains a lot we wondered about you…
Wonder no more, Laura…the whole family’s a little whacked. But we’re LOTS of fun. 🙂
Heh heh. I opened this post, glanced down and was already chuckling at the first pic before reading a word. Um, *raises hand* dirty mind as well. These pics and names are fantastic! I did dribble some water down my chin for the “Big Dick’s Halfway Inn” sign. Oh do they not realize how that reads?! Well, I suppose for a roadside inn, that just might be the point. I can’t think of any similar signs right off, but will be on the lookout for sure. 🙂 Great post Jenny!
Barbara, I have to believe that the “Big Dick” people knew exactly what they were doing. We’re over here talking about it on More Cowbell, aren’t we? Thanks for stopping in and leaving a comment that made me smile!
“Angry Vagina” lol. Not a good mix with alcohol…. Looks like you have a fun family, Jenny! Maybe Dove chocolate should remake some of its wrapper sayings with these little phrases. 🙂
Haha! You go, Kathy…together we can completely revamp those Dove wrappers. 🙂
Absolutely hysterical. I nearly lost it at every turn of this post. Hubby would DIE to see these signs…O.M.G. Definitely some Twisted Tuesday materials here.
I can’t believe that people actually use these names, eh?!?! The BEARDED CLAM?!?! And then the Rowdy Beaver (AKA the angry vagina)…my sides hurt!!! WAHAHAHAHA!!!!
I can’t wait to hear what your hubby says when you show him. Trust me, I couldn’t believe it either (which is why you have this post to giggle over)!
Hubby is losing his shit reading your post. LOL!!! I think he’s actually crying he’s laughing so hard. RIOT!!
We have a store here called Beaver Tails – It’s a store that sells a pastry covered in different toppings and sprinkles. Well I get into the truck (not the pink one) after work and Natalie is sitting there sniffing her fingers. First of all that’s just plain funny in itself – but it didn’t prepare me for her following statement: “WHAT! I had Beaver Tail for lunch and my fingers smell good!” and with her arm fully extended offering me a sniff of the prized booty!
Natalie: That’s fantastic! Plus, we have his stellar comment right here that references YOUR BOOTY. I can totally see that you and your wife sit around cracking each other up all day. My honey and I do too. 🙂
Nat’s Hubby: Since you’re married to a writer, I can share with you that my favorite line in the whole post – right after Big Dick’s Halfway Inn (Do they get multiple guests or just one good one each night) came from something my honey said when I was reading my first draft to him. Great writing husbands are to be prized!!!
Anywho, did Natalie show you the post on Chickens and Christian Panties so you know why WE were laughing so hard?
OMG!! We used to go to the Ozarks every year and The Bearded Clam was funny enough, but next to the bait shop was hilarious. I’ve never heard of Dick’s Halfway Inn. Maybe that’s how they stay “virgins” down in the show me state! (We lived in KC for six years:)
Also, I have a funny story for you. My hometown recently got a Kum and Go and I have been editing my next book release. In the book, the guys discuss the new convenient store.
“Oh, guys, have you been out to Westown lately? They got a new convenient store. It’s called the Kum and Go. I was seriously pumping my gas and laughing my ass off. Because, pumping!!!”
“Dude, me too. I feel bad every time I go there just to get gas and leave, like I did her and didn’t stay to snuggle.”
“I wondered why all the men were lined up outside. Coming and going is like their dream.”
“Why? They can do that by themselves at home.”
“A man totally named that store. Can’t you see a group of frat boys lying around all drunk and high making up names for their future convenient store, laughing their asses off?”
“I always buy gas there now. Me and Nick wanna figure out a way to plank on top of their sign. That’d be so awesome.”
Haha…..anyway. Thanks for the great post. I was laughing so much this morning!!
Oh, I LOVE that you included your dialogue here, Jillian!! That’s just awesome. 🙂
You’ve got to be on the lookout for me next time you go to the Ozarks!
I said yes to this question before I even read the post, but you outdid yourself, lol! We also have “Kum and Go” in Iowa, and my best friend (from Minnesota) nicknamed them “Hit and Get.” The Bearded Clam … Big Dick’s Halfway Inn … sounds like a state of perverts! No wonder you felt at home. 😉 Couldn’t resist. Thanks for the laughs!
Why, thank you Stacy! The “Hit and Get” is FANTASTIC!! (Jillian, are you reading this? Ask Stacy if you can use it in your book!)
I definitely feel at home when I’m in Missouri, but I thought it was the gravy… 🙂
I like the hit and get!! That’s awesome!!
Wowzer…and I thought The Dog Bar was ify, this is great!
Thanks, Amy!! I’m looking out for your funny bone here at More Cowbell. 🙂
Jenny, this explains a lot. I think you and I are cousins. But no worries. My husband and I are, too. I’ll send you an email. 🙂
And I can never say “Kum & Go” out loud when we’re back visiting family in the “Show Me” state.
Love your blog.
Oh, Piper…wouldn’t that be AWESOME if we were cousins??? I’ll have to look at your message and throw out all the family names I can think of. It’s nice that you and your hubby “kept it in the family” in true Missouri style (kidding).
Kum & Go makes me giggle EVERY time. It’s the trademark that sets me off.
Thanks a bunch for your comment!
I have tears in my eyes. Too funny! Dirty minds unite 😀 I can’t think of any signs off the top of my head but man am I going to be on the lookout now!
Jillian, LOVE that you included that dialogue in your story. Thanks for sharing it.
Jenny, thanks for the laugh this morning!!
Raelyn, trust me – with Cowbell Influence, you’ll think of those signs now. *if you know what I mean…*
Thanks for stopping in – you’re the bomb (didn’t you see that in my Friday post?). Y’all are keeping me laughing while I listen to my conference call at work this morning!
Beaver creek, co has a store called “Beaver Liquors!”
NICE, Julie…very nice. I can understand the Beaver Creek, back from the days of trapping but “Beaver Liquors” (just say it out loud, people)…REALLY?
Jenny, you’ve just got to stop being so somber all the time. Laugh now and then! Seriously (must I be?) I loved your post, as I always do. I wonder if the bait shop sold tickets so people could watch. Keep sending us plenty of laughs.
I KNOW! I’m way too serious over here. It’s a curse.
I never saw the bait shop but my uncle was a MO State Trooper so he is an impeccable witness…I’ll ask him about the tickets!
This is a local one: Kuntry Katfish…if you know what I mean
This is one I pass when I go visit my folks: Johnson’s Café…if you know what I mean
Hysterical post. Thanks for the Monday levity.
Oh, Catie. You must live in the South! There’s a place along I-44 called the Do Kum Inn that kills me too. What were these people thinking???
I think this addresses the crowd they want to attract.
Hilarious! This is how I think…all the time, IYKWIM.
In Calgary, there were two businesses side-by-side in a strip mall: Just for Lovers (an adult store) and Doggie-Style (a pet grooming/accessories place). Doggie-Style went out of business. Apparently, it didn’t appeal to the missionaries… 😉
And thanks for the shout!
NICE, Leanne! Very nice. See why I like you? I don’t even have to add an IYKWIM to that. 🙂
Oh. My. Crap. Those are the most jacked up signs ever! Do people not read then and think, Hmmm, maybe not such a good name?
And they have pictures of bearded clams! Because, you know, their imaginations just can’t go there?
Funniest darn thing I’ve seen all day. Thanks for the laughs!
You are so welcome for the laughs – I’ve been cracking myself up with it for two weeks. I just figured I should share…if you know what I mean. 🙂
I’m thinking they’re marketing geniuses, since here we are chatting about them! Although, listing The Bearded Clam as as family hot spot makes me question my theory…
Your theory or your genes?
Great laugh Jenny. Hailing from England (I can’t say coming in this context), everything is a potential euphemism. But over here everybody takes things so seriously. So its a relief (no pun intended there either) to read this. I work on aircraft systems and I know (as in to talk to, over the phone) a couple of women in the UK to whom the words “dedicated joystick” cannot be used.
I remember being in DC when we walked passed a IMAX theatre that advertised a nature film with 30ft high beaver – us birts were rolling around while our hosts were staring at us. I guess DC doesn’t get euphemisms (and yes, i’m sure there’s a joke in that somewhere).
That’s funny, Nigel. My friends in the UK are reserved, yet foul-mouthed. (Perhaps I should introduce you!) I’m glad you’ve found a place where we “get” euphemisms (love ’em!) and take very little too seriously. 🙂
Soooo…what do you think the British reaction would have been if the sign said, “Gigantic Fanny Pack’s here!”
I once showed an female american visitor around London. After a lot of walking we went into a pub and sat at the bar. The landlord said we looked tired. My american friend immediately said “This guy’s worn my fanny out all day.” The pub went silent and it took several minutes for the landlord to stop laughing.
By the way, I hate you. I’m trawling through my wip. Its based in WW1. Lots of guns, so I use “weapon” to break up the monotony. Yeah, I know, it seemed like a good idea at the time, but now I can’t have them clean their weapons, grip their weapon hard, and worst of all, sling their weapon over their shoulder.
… there again, maybe there’s a market for that sort of stuff!
OMG, I just spit water on my keyboard, Nigel!! That is hilarious. Perhaps you want to see if “fanny” was in use yet back in WW1? I think you could add “if you know what I mean” on to any dreary sentences to spice that passage right up. What do you think??
(BTW, Americans, a “fanny” is the British slang equivalent to OUR slang for female genitalia – i.e. bird, kitty, va-jj, coo-cat, hoo-ha). It all equals “ha-ha” in my filthy mind.
I’m eternally 12 yrs old, too.
Found this post via twitter. so funny.
Thanks, Alexandra! It’s nice to see you here. 🙂
Now, did you get to click the links for “Christian Panties” and “Crazy facts about chickens?” You will LOVE the Christian Panties video if you’re eternally 12.
Fantastic blog, I’m still laughing!
Thanks, Shawn! Welcome to More Cowbell…we love to get our chuckle on over here. 🙂
Holy crap that was hysterical…my cheeks hurt from trying to hold in my laughter (I’m at work).
I cannot believe you were able to look at that Big Dick’s sign and hold it in. I would have passed out!
My husband went to a bar/grill when he was out of town many years ago. He wanted to bring our daughters a souvenir home but was in a hurry so bought a couple of t-shirts for them at the restaurant without really paying attention to what they said.
I don’t remember the name of the restaurant but it was advertising their great lobster. It concluded with “the best tail in town.” After I stopped laughing I showed him the t-shirts. He turned red and choked. Needless to say the girls never got to wear their souvenirs.
Yep, I’d say we all have dirty minds here.
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First time visiting your post and I definitely will be back for more! Hysterical. I’ve heard of most of these expressions, but would never have thought people would actually used them for a business name! Love it though. Everyone needs a good laugh. Thanks for supplying mine!
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Finally found this hilarious blog thanks to @stlsocialgroup, great to hear about my home state! It’s funny ’cause it’s TRUE! 🙂
Glad you’ve joined the fun here at More Cowbell, Sean! We have a great time. 🙂