Undie Chronicles, Vol. 31 — Hungry Like the Wolf

Those of you who are new to More Cowbell might have missed The Undie Chronicles. The regular posse here knows: When the Undie-verse speaks, we will always listen. I had no idea when this began that there were so many hilarious undie-based topics to discuss. Plus it’s Monday, and I like a good Monday belly laugh.

So, apparently Wolf Boxers are a thing. And the Wolf Boxers scare the crap out of me with their snarl, and their realistic in-your-face…nose. I think if I got into a pair of pants that had THESE inside, I’d leap from the bed like Superwoman. 

One of my pals sent me that tweet, and I immediately began researching…

Where does one get this canine cotton collection?

AliExpress has everything from tigers to wolves to incredibly scary bald eagles, all in “breathable cotton.” You can even buy mixed packages (two eagles, two wolves). And it’s on sale for the next week or so. 

Yessirreee, that’s 25% off a package of four if you decide you can’t live without these bloodsuckers.

There’s even an angry version. (Alas, they are only 7% off.)

My personal opinion (besides “who wears this stuff?”) is this: Forget the “breathable cotton,” Manufacturers. Include a paper bag. When faced with these gems, it’s not  your manly bits that will need help breathing.

I was so disturbed, I showed my Hubs the tweet and asked him to opine.

Me: So, would you ever wear these?

Hubs: *fastest glance in history* No.

Me: Why not?

Hubs: Because a man who would wear those is the kind of man who names his d*ck.

Me: *open-mouthed stare*

Hubs: Seriously. That’s the kind of guy who would talk about his d*ck in third person. “Wolf wants to eat Beaver.” It’s freaky. And adolescent. And bizarre.

Me: O-o-o-kaaaay. Anything else?

[And here’s where I laughed myself breathless. Sometimes my husband is so bloggable.]

Hubs: “When I was a bartender, one of my customers hated country music. The music, the rodeos, the whole thing. He called those big belt buckles “tombstones for dead d*cks.” Well these boxers are like that — camouflage for a tiny penis.

You’ll notice they’re not a Chihuahua. They made it a wolf on purpose. They’ll probably put out Dobermans next. It’s a paranoid guy’s way of saying [insert Wizard of Oz voice], “Pay no attention to the d*ck behind the Doberman.”

Me: *in between wheezing giggles* So it’s like the midlife crisis of underpants.

Hubs: Yes. Like the “Low-T guy” who buys a Ferrari to compensate for his lack of testosterone.

Me: I had no idea you’d have such definite opinions on this.

And we still have vital unanswered questions…

Like…

Is the nose built in to be that perky? No one could possibly have their junk lined up perfectly with that snout. And forget about that eagle’s beak. That is NOT natural.

How do you relieve yourself in these things? Because we don’t see an opening. Anywhere.

Is there symbolism to this wolf thing, besides the obvious implications of “dog?”

And most importantly, WHO is buying these? The site says they have 70,000 available, which implies a certain expectation of demand.

The Hubs and I spent a wildly entertaining evening pondering these things. I don’t think I’ve gotten this much undie feedback out of my guy since Thunderwear. I have to confess…conversations like this make me fall in love with him all over again.

Had you already discovered Wolf Boxers? Any interest in ordering them for yourself or a loved one? Do you have questions to add to our list? Don’t be shy…enquiring minds always want to know these things here at More Cowbell!

~ Jenny