Undie Chronicles, Vol. 31 — Hungry Like the Wolf

Those of you who are new to More Cowbell might have missed The Undie Chronicles. The regular posse here knows: When the Undie-verse speaks, we will always listenI had no idea when this began that there were so many hilarious undie-based topics to discuss. Plus it’s Monday, and I like a good Monday belly laugh.

So, apparently Wolf Boxers are a thing. And the Wolf Boxers scare the crap out of me with their snarl, and their realistic in-your-face…nose. I think if I got into a pair of pants that had THESE inside, I’d leap from the bed like Superwoman

One of my pals sent me that tweet, and I immediately began researching…

Where does one get this canine cotton collection?

AliExpress has everything from tigers to wolves to incredibly scary bald eagles, all in “breathable cotton.” You can even buy mixed packages (two eagles, two wolves). And it’s on sale for the next week or so. 

Yessirreee, that’s 25% off a package of four if you decide you can’t live without these bloodsuckers.

Crazy Undies

There’s even an angry version. (Alas, they are only 7% off.)

Crazy Undies

My personal opinion (besides “who wears this stuff?”) is this: Forget the “breathable cotton,” Manufacturers. Include a paper bag. When faced with these gems, it’s not  your manly bits that will need help breathing.

I was so disturbed, I showed my Hubs the tweet and asked him to opine.

Me: So, would you ever wear these?

Hubs: *fastest glance in history* No.

Me: Why not?

Hubs: Because a man who would wear those is the kind of man who names his d*ck.

Me: *open-mouthed stare*

Hubs: Seriously. That’s the kind of guy who would talk about his d*ck in third person. “Wolf wants to eat Beaver.” It’s freaky. And adolescent. And bizarre.

Me: O-o-o-kaaaay. Anything else?

[And here’s where I laughed myself breathless. Sometimes my husband is so bloggable.]

Hubs: “When I was a bartender, one of my customers hated country music. The music, the rodeos, the whole thing. He called those big belt buckles “tombstones for dead d*cks.” Well these boxers are like that — camouflage for a tiny penis.

You’ll notice they’re not a Chihuahua. They made it a wolf on purpose. They’ll probably put out Dobermans next. It’s a paranoid guy’s way of saying [insert Wizard of Oz voice], “Pay no attention to the d*ck behind the Doberman.”

Me: *in between wheezing giggles* So it’s like the midlife crisis of underpants.

Hubs: Yes. Like the “Low-T guy” who buys a Ferrari to compensate for his lack of testosterone.

Me: I had no idea you’d have such definite opinions on this.

And we still have vital unanswered questions…


Is the nose built in to be that perky? No one could possibly have their junk lined up perfectly with that snout. And forget about that eagle’s beak. That is NOT natural.

How do you relieve yourself in these things? Because we don’t see an opening. Anywhere.

Is there symbolism to this wolf thing, besides the obvious implications of “dog?”

And most importantly, WHO is buying these? The site says they have 70,000 available, which implies a certain expectation of demand.

The Hubs and I spent a wildly entertaining evening pondering these things. I don’t think I’ve gotten this much undie feedback out of my guy since Thunderwear. I have to confess…conversations like this make me fall in love with him all over again.

Had you already discovered Wolf Boxers? Any interest in ordering them for yourself or a loved one? Do you have questions to add to our list? Don’t be shy…enquiring minds always want to know these things here at More Cowbell!

~ Jenny

About Jenny Hansen

Avid seeker of "more"...More words, more creativity, More Cowbell! An extrovert who's terribly fond of silliness. Founding blogger at Writers In The Storm (http://writersinthestormblog.com). Write on!
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16 Responses to Undie Chronicles, Vol. 31 — Hungry Like the Wolf

  1. CristineGzr says:

    Jenny, thanks for giving me something that got hubs out of bed this morning. He was pretty disgusted and agrees with your hubs in a non-verbal grunt. He’s not a morning person LOL

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Had to share your hubs’ take with mine. Laughs for the whole family this week 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Then my goal for the week is met! Thanks, Melanie.

      Perhaps the men in your life will add more questions to our list? I’m totally going to send an email to the manufacturer. We MUST find out if they expect their customers to pee through the nostrils, or if there’s some secret opening.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Lisha Fink says:

    Thank you for the Monday Morning Follies. I may order a pack of these just to pull out at a party for fodder.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I was wondering the same thing about urinating. There’s no opening. Unless it is cleverly disguised behind those snarling teeth, but if that’s the case, then wouldn’t it look like those sharp teeth are clamping down on your man parts? I mean, that’s so weird.

    And, I agree with your hubs, obviously the guys wearing these things are compensating for something. Otherwise, there’d be a Pomeranian or a – God, I even hate to say this one – a shih tzu one. Can you imagine that? Or – just think on this one – a pug. We all know those dogs have smashed noses, so what must the wearer of that one be saying about the size of his – you know?

    Anyway, thanks again for the ponderous post this Monday. Have a fantastic week.

    BTW – You were one of my winners from last week’s blog. I’ll be shooting you an e-mail with your prize.

    Patricia Rickrode
    w/a Jansen Schmidt

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Yep, I’ve been over those pictures and I just don’t see where a consumer could pee in these, unless it was through the nostrils. 🙂

      My guy said: “If they make a shih tzu, wouldn’t the opening be in the back?” (Hubby is on a ROLL!)

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Debbie says:

    Your husband needs to do a blog post one day! He’s hilarious too. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      He is quite funny, Deb. I find him so SO bloggable. There’s a whole bunch of hilarity that gets left off the page here at More Cowbell, but he still gets plenty of airtime. 🙂


  6. yvettecarol says:

    Your hubby makes me laugh, Jenny, it was just as well I didn’t have a mouthful of tea when I read the words, “Wolf wants to eat Beaver.” I laughed so hard, my laptop would’ve been history!!! Brilliant conversation!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Actually, for a couple of buddies, this particular undie created plot bunnies. Okay. I may have helped it along. Something about shifting body parts instead of the entire person…and all the strange that could go with those stories. I mean, if they can have m-preg, tentacle porn, Dino porn, etc…. why not?

    Liked by 1 person

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