An Open Letter to America’s Butt Impersonators…

I’m a little concerned about America’s @ss obsession. I know 2014 was “The Year of the Booty.” I know J-Lo, Kim Kardashian and Nicki Minaj are raking in millions, partly due to the glorious ginormous junk in their trunk.

I get it, America. I do. I mean who didn’t have at least a passing yen to slip-and-slide down KiKi’s oiled derrierre on that Paper magazine cover? Who could look away from all that shimmering badonk during Nicki’s Anaconda video?

Those butts are mesmerizing.

BTW, this is our new cover. cc @KimKardashian http://t.co/wfBvNeCewt pic.twitter.com/bVyC1nJDND

— PAPER Magazine (@papermagazine) November 12, 2014

[Commercial break: Everyone wants to have a butt so perky they could serve tea off it. And squats take time. (Do them anyway, people!) Here are 16 Booty Boosters. Kiki’s butt is strangely motivating to me.]

But does this butt obsession really mean the men and women of America need to transfer blobs of fat from one part of their body and have it injected into their @ss? Do the gals really need to insert rounding devices into their booties to achieve the rear-facing “Minaj Decolletage?”

According to the Journal of Plastic Surgery, that answer is “YES.”

SHAPE magazine reported that “butt implants and lifts are the fastest-growing types of plastic surgery in the United States.” The American Society of Plastic Surgeons reported that there were more than 22,000 butt surgeries in 2015!

What kind of sick nonsense is this?

How do you heal from this sort of surgery? How do you go to the bathroom? Is there rehab? Take it from someone who did four months of hip rehab a few years back – you do not want to rehab anything near your @ss.

Booty by the Numbers

Buttock augmentation with fat grafting
2015: 14,705
2014: 11,505
2000: no numbers
% change 2015 vs. 2014: 28%
% change 2015 vs. 2000: no numbers

Buttock implants
2015: 2,540
2014: 1,863
2000: no numbers
% change 2015 vs. 2014: 36%
% change 2015 vs. 2000: no numbers

Buttock lift
2015: 4,767
2014:  3,505
2000: 1,356 
% change 2015 vs. 2014: 36%
% change 2015 vs. 2000: 252%

[Commercial break: Eeeeeeeewwwww. They’re grafting fat! Have you ever seen adipose tissue? How do they make it stay…do they melt it, mold it, WHAT? Gah!]

Can’t y’all just celebrate the behind you have? Oil it up if you must. Perhaps you can add a tattoo or a nifty design for interest. But having surgery, just to get Kardashian-looking butt? I think you need to rethink this thing, America. I really do.

[While you’re rethinking, enjoy the Try Guys attempts at the Kardashian Booty Shoot. It is Monday, after all. We must laugh.]

Note: The Try Guys are exempted from the Butt Impersonator questions, since they were up front about it. They weren’t saying – “Hey, Doc…can you move my fat?” They let it all hang out and celebrated it.

So…your thoughts on the Butt Issue? On the current shape-shaming trend for hourglass figures? How do you weigh in on America’s @ss obsession? Enquiring minds always want to know these things here at More Cowbell!

~ Jenny