Missed Connections: Which of These Train Wrecks Needs the Most Dating Advice?

Natalie Hartford and I have been killing ourselves over Craigslist’s Missed Connections this week. We’ve been completely incapable of containing our mirth.

At one point, Nat laughed so hard, she’s been home bed browsing all week!

Today I’m providing the prelude to the grand finale next week. Thasss right…on Monday, our pal Natalie is going to start giving some dating do’s and don’ts to the ho-bags misguided souls at Missed Connections. But first WE all have to do our part.

And what is our very important job here at More Cowbell today?

We must exercise our right to vote!

Below I’ve listed YOUR favorite 4 connections, along with the stellar bonus one Stacy Green included in the comments section (much to our delight).

The four below made your favorites list; now you must choose only ONE.  Can you do it??🙂

From Natalie:

To the cute guy in lime green tank at gym by 6 am

[I LOVE that y’all picked Nat’s and my “fake” posts in your list of favorites!]

We work out at the same gym. You’re almost always there when I go. Usually on the treadmill or stair master around 6 am. I bet I could bounce quarters off your ass, it’s so tight! We’ve chit chatted. I try to keep my composure. You have no idea that while making small talk, all I can think about is pouring honey down your chiselled chest and licking it off as it trails down your treasure trail. You always smile at me and I hope this means you feel the chemistry to. Maybe you want to pour chocolate on parts of me? I am to shy to ask you out. Today you were wearing tight black shorts with a light green tank. It showed off your great build and great complexion. I wanted to spank you. If you are reading this and you’d like to go for a walk sometime, respond and tell me what I was wearing today.

You stuck my flash drive in your vagina

[There are no words…]

You stuck my flash drive in your vagina. If you are reading this, you know who you are. I don’t think this is a fad sweeping the city, so this one’s for you.
We met at a Millcreek Tavern. You said you were from Lancaster. You were beautiful, you liked me. It was perfect. But then…
We went back to my apartment. We watched The Breakfast Club. You had never seen it before. We then ended up in my bed, as planned. And had sex, as planned.
You looked beautiful half covered in my sheets when I left to use the bathroom. When I came back, this is what I saw:
You standing naked at my computer. You with your hand on the keyboard, not typing. You grabbing the flash drive.
The flash drive pops out.
You look at it.
You squat a little bit.
You insert it into your vagina, like a tampon.
I am speechless.
You proceed to get dressed, say you have to go home, and leave. The number you gave me doesn’t work.
I am confused. I’d like to see you again. I’d like to see my flash drive again.
Your name is Rebecca. You have long blond hair.
Please get in touch. I am a very understanding person.

From Jenny:

You Dropped Your Bible and I Saw Your Thong

[I know, I know…y’all saw undies and thought this was fake. I didn’t even try to be tricky.]

I was walking down the sidewalk and you, a very good looking woman from the backside, dropped what appeared to be the Holy Bible, bent to pick it up, and (through no fault of my own) I saw your thong…and wow.

I know Jesus spent some time with Mary Magdalene, and likely she wore next to nothing under those sackcloths, but I have to admit, your short skirt and fluorescent pink thong were way sexier, and made me want to get to “know you”, in the Biblical sense of course. I’m not Christian, but if we can stick to the Basic 10 Commandments and leave the Pope out of it, I think we’ll be OK.

Oh, by the way, I was the very tall, tan, curly-haired, non-Christian gentleman walking behind you.

You Got Naked In My Trash

[This is a true story for the first two paragraphs. Hubby had this experience at 16!]

Yesterday afternoon while stocking the shelves in a local art gallery, I spied movement out our back door. It’s painted black to protect our merchandise so you couldn’t see me but boy howdy could I see you! You were taking off your clothes in the middle of our trash area and gave me the best 5 minutes of my life. You’ve got some sexy merchandise and would be a worthy addition to our collection.

You put on a pink t-shirt, black leather skirt and CFM pumps. I can only assume you were getting ready for a “date” at the apartment complex across the street.

I’d love to know your name. Better yet, I’d love to see you strip someplace better smelling, like my bedroom. Tell me the name of the apartment complex behind the strip mall so I’ll know it’s you.

From Stacy:

NYC Craigslist “Missed Connections” – You farted in Trader Joe’s – m4w (Danbury, CT)

“You were the tall brunette with the near perfect body that farted in the bread section last night. I was the tall guy next to you that looked over and asked, “Was that you?” You quickly replied “No…Wasn’t me!” You almost seemed insulted I would ask. As the stink grew you continued to deny your flatulence, but it was evident. I tried to get rid of the stench by waving 2 loafs of Ciabatta bread. You proceeded to storm off in an angry manner. You are beautiful and even if you are a liar and fart like a Clydesdale, I’d love to meet up sometime.”

http://newyork.craigslist.org/fct/mis/1494504262.html

Who needs the MOST help from Natalie and her Hubby??


What’s would YOU tell these people? What’s the best relationship or dating advice you ever received? Who gave it to you? Enquiring minds always want to know these things here at More Cowbell!

Jenny

About Jenny Hansen

Avid seeker of "more"...More words, more creativity, More Cowbell! An extrovert who's terribly fond of silliness. Founding blogger at Writers In The Storm (http://writersinthestormblog.com). Write on!
This entry was posted in Dating for Dummies, Humor and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

42 Responses to Missed Connections: Which of These Train Wrecks Needs the Most Dating Advice?

  1. Clearly Farting in the bread aisle gets my vote, though most people save their flatulence for the bean or magazine aisle, don’t they?

    Like

  2. zkullis says:

    I also went with “You farted in Trader Joe’s”. But, before I say much more about the Ciabatta-waving Clydesdale riding fart fan at Trader Joe’s, I wanted to leave a quick comment about the Vadge-Drive Vixen…. (I can’t resist saying something) I’m confused. Why does this guy want to see his flash drive again? Seriously?!? IF (big if) I would have accepted her number after the sexual assault on my computer, I would only have called to send her a text telling her to “byte me”, just because that seems like the thing you would say in that kind of situation….. I’m just saying.

    Now the good stuff: Trader Joe’s. Advice for the lady would most likely include “if you MUST fart in a place like that, don’t do it in a section where people are normally inhaling deeply to get the smell of the wares. Chances are they don’t want to sample what you are sharing. Save it for the Beano section of a Rite-Aide or something. (people expect that) 😀

    Advice for Mr Ciabatta….. Dude, don’t ask a lady something like that. If you are open to starting a conversation based on what just happened, bring it up in a more subtle way by asking, “My, something sure smells amazing. Is it my bread, or something you have?” Number two (no pun intended here), you probably shouldn’t have started waving both loaves of bread. It implied that the growing stench was thick enough to be fought off and batted to the side with yummy bread. Not something most flatulent-flinging-females would want to see.

    Think he purchased the bread anyway????

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Zack, you’ve hit on it EXACTLY. A gentleman would never have posed the question, which is why so many of the people who commented here think he was the perpetrator of the far. LOL…

      Like

      • zkullis says:

        I was trained well; meaning I still open doors, hold the elevator (and NOT JUST because they look like a model), I still say “miss” and “ma’am”, and I always change the topic or leave an easy exit for any lady who might have blessed the bread section with a sphincter misfire.

        Like

  3. Julie Glover says:

    My advice to the Flash Drive Diva would be to grab that memory stick and then take a turn in the bathroom herself where she can stash the computer information behind a locked door. And my advice to…

    Oh, who am I kidding?! My advice to all of these people is to stop looking for love in all the wrong places. The only one worth dating here is Ciabatta Bread Guy who clearly knows how to overlook a gal’s humiliation and to crack a good fart joke that included a proper spelling of the word Clydesdale. I was impressed.

    Like

  4. Emma says:

    “I am a very understanding person.” !!! Laughing my ass off.

    Like

  5. How did I miss this? So awesome!

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      It was Rosh Hashanah…of course you missed it! But you’re here now, Missy!! There’s more coming Monday. With Yom Kippur coming Tues/Wed, you need to hurry up and visit Nat’s blog on Monday.🙂

      Like

  6. Kitt Crescendo says:

    So my husband came home last night after being out of town for a week. What do I do first thing this morning? Read this to him…LOL! He thinks cadge drive girl thinks she is some sort of spy…maybe seen a few too many Covert Affairs or Bourne movies?

    My vote is for the fart in TJ’s. 🙂

    Like

  7. Diana Beebe says:

    So hard to choose!

    Like

  8. Stacy Green says:

    LMAO. I’m so glad my twisted sense of humor went over so well. I actually saved the Trader Joe’s screencap! Too priceless not to. Thanks for the shoutout!

    Like

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  10. Squeeeee…I can’t WAIT to see what your readers pick out for me…Sunday is going to be a FUN writing day! LOL!!!

    Like

  11. Went with fart noticer, too and suspect the fart was HIS! LOL!

    Like

  12. Clair Lickfeld says:

    so funny, picked the fart cause that fart was his….

    Like

  13. Jenny Hansen says:

    OK, so the Flatulence Queen and the Flash Drive Diva are winning the race so far….but the disturbing trend is the notion that TJ’s guy was LYING. Hmmmmm…. The plot (or in this case, the bread aisle) thickens.

    Like

  14. tomwisk says:

    I know why I chose Trader Joe’s because I’ve been behind a few browsers at the Stop and Shop who carpet bomb entire aisles. Some mornings having waffles and beans can cause flatulater to put up a wall that’s impenetrable.

    Like

  15. Lara says:

    Another vote here for Trader Joe’s! That’s the only one that actually made me laugh out loud. I think the girl should take him up on a date – never underestimate the need for humor in a relationship.

    Like

  16. Oh crap, I just read this to my husband, and now he’s thinking the Trader Joe’s chick might be his soulmate! LOL! Because I just don’t have the same appreciation for flatulence. Thanks for the laughs!

    Like

  17. LOVED this whole gig. Must. Stay. Away. From. Missed. Connections. Site.

    Like

  18. You ladies are seriously interfering with my attempts to get work done! Sooo looking forward to the advice which I know will be sensible and serious … NOT!

    Like

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  22. Bwahahahaha. I, of course, have never farted in a Trader Joes…or in a university library, in the quantum physics section. Never.

    LOL

    Like

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