Yeah, you heard me right. If you’ve been hanging out with me here at More Cowbell for a while, you might’ve read about Holly and her famous Pecker Lead Balloon.
No? Let me back up a little and share it with you then. We’ll see if you laugh as hard as my husband did.
It all started during a long holiday check-out line at Trader Joe’s about a year ago. I was waiting in line, minding my own business…
OK, o-kay… I was talking on the phone to Hubby to make sure I got everything for the Sexy-Pie Friday Night dinner I was fixing him. I wanted to be sure I didn’t forget anything, before I waited in this huge-o line, and we got to chatting. (Yes, I know it’s RUDE…I was as quiet as possible.)
So I get to the front of the line, finish my conversation and hang up so I can say hi to the cashier, whose name was Holly. (You’ll understand in a moment why her name is burned on my brain forever.)
Holly’s first words: “So, who were you on the phone with?”
Inner City Jenny wanted to respond, “WHY are you all up in Mama’s business?? But Holly seemed like a sweet girl so I answered in kind. “I was talking to my husband. I wanted to make sure I got everything he wanted for dinner tonight.”
I had a cart full of groceries and Holly was obviously a chatty checker (unusual in my neck of the woods) so I didn’t see a polite way out of this conversation.
Then SHE says,“That’s important, that you cook for your husband.”
Important?? I’m turning her word choice over in my mind but, before I can respond, she zings me with another gem:
“Yeah, my stepmother told me the secret to keeping a man happy and it sounds like your mom told you.”
Suddenly I’m afraid – very afraid – to encourage more conversation with this filter-less girl.
I scoped the conveyor belt to see how many items were left and snuck a glance at the businessman in line behind me (he was so tuned into this conversation [dang it]). I tried to look non-encouraging when I answered, “Oh?”
Holly was undeterred. “Yep. My stepmother said it’s real simple to keep a man happy. You just keep his pecker empty and his belly full.”
I swear, the word “pecker” swooped down the conveyor belt and tangoed through the line behind me.
Why, WHY do people tell me these kinds of things? I thought it was just that I look friendly but I’ve heard from other writers that this happens to them too. I’ve noticed that people we DON’T know seem to enjoy telling us things we don’t WANT to know.
I’m sure these crazy conversations are gifts from the Writing Gods who want us to have great material. But at the time??? Oy… It was Death By Pecker in the TJ’s line.
The dude behind me coughed (in that way that said he was smothering a laugh) and I blushed to the roots of my hair. The only thoughts in my head were: I’m not looking at the guys in line. Not looking…not looking. Oh Dear God, get me out of this store….
My hubby laughed his ass off at me when I got home and told him (although he had some choice comments about how sterotypical Holly was). That night over a bottle of wine, she became the Pecker Checker at Trader Ho’s…and that is who she shall always be to us.
Do people have these kinds of conversations with you or is it just that I have a friendly face? Do you have any embarrassing grocery store moments to entertain the rest of us on this fine Monday? Enquiring minds love to know these things here at More Cowbell!