The Great Toilet Debacle of 2015

The next time you think you’re having a bad day, just come back to this lively story by my pal, Kelly Byrne. I was late checking in to Facebook today, but “The Great Toilet Debacle of 2015″ was waiting for me on my wall, ready to send me into a choking fit of laughter…

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A cautionary tale, if you will.

After a shower, I put lotion on all my pertinent parts. When I got to the leg this morning it all went sideways. Literally.

I did what I always do: rested my foot up on the toilet seat to better get the full reach of the leg. I was wearing my super awesome, super soft, super slippery socks and well, you probably see where this is headed.

Into the toilet the foot goes.

But wait there’s more.

When I tried to rectify that horrible situation, my world disintegrated into a Buster Keaton movie. The other slippy sock lost grip on the cold tile. So I’m skating around with the right foot trying to regain balance, and the left foot has apparently set up shop in the toilet because it’s decidedly not cooperating with my pleas to leave it. It’s Bambi on ice, a flail-fest…and I’m going down.

So of course, on my way, I do what now? Yes, grab that shower curtain because a 2 pound rod not-securely-fastened to the wall will hold up a (redacted) pound woman as she’s thrashing wildly about.

I go down hard, curtain in hand, over the side of the shower, and down the bar comes, smacking me in the face as I slump over into the tub.

All this while nekkid, except for the super cushy socks. Yep. Not one of my finer moments. But I sure did get a good laugh out of it.

And a nice shiner on my eye.

Toilet/shower: 1
Kelly: 0

Luckily – the toilet had been flushed.

How was YOUR morning?

Thankfully, nothing was broken except her dignity. And my lunch, when I spit coffee into it from laughing so hard.

Have a nice day. Oh, and you should buy Kelly’s book – it’s fabulous (and naked embarrassment happens there too).

~Jenny 

Photo credit: Todd Fong - Flickr

About Kelly

In addition to the 10 things below, she wrote a kickass book called Chasing Kate.

10 THINGS IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER

Chasing Kate – $2.99 on Kindle

• An award-winning writer in many a genre, I currently herd words into YA novels and short stories.
• In a former life I was a snowboard instructor at Snowbird Resort in Utah and a pet photographer in Los Angeles. I’ve also raced motorcycles (with and without tutu) and jumped out of a helicopter into a lake. All of those things were rad.
• A friend of mine once requested that I put love in everything I write. I’ve happily obliged.
• Because of my prodigious gift for empathy, I’m inspired by stories of great personal sacrifice, courage, and loyalty. Like when I selflessly gave two whole squares of my favorite chocolate bar to my boyfriend. You know, incredible sacrifice.
• In my effort to spread kindness, I’ve been known to hug strangers, especially if they’re wearing something soft and fuzzy.
• I’ve only lived in four states, but I moved over 30 times in 10 years because I was running from the law. No. No I wasn’t.
• I believe in the good in people, except when I don’t.
• I’m an avid pessimist re-framing my worldview daily, so my glass is half empty. No, wait, it’s half full. Ugh. Who cares? I just want to know who’s been drinking out of my glass.
• My favorite color is sage because it’s the best color in the universe. Fact.
• I live in Los Angeles with my desperately handsome boyfriend and loopy dog, Lucy, AKA The Goon (the other love of my life) where I’m working on my next project, a three-book series.

Click here if you’d like to sign up for her eNewsletter. Or visit her blog where she discusses why chocolate should be its own food group and other important issues.

An Undie Chronicles Flashback: “The Undie Sway”

Photo courtesy of mollyandmeboutique.com

I considered holding this “Undie Chronicle Flashback” until Throwback Thursday, but all the new members of the More Cowbell posse need it now. Many of you weren’t here when it all began but, thanks to a nifty new Microsoft product called Sway, you can feel like you were.

Set down your beverage, hitch up them underpants, and prepare for a Monday belly laugh. Here at More Cowbell, when the Undie-verse speaks…we will always listen!

p.s. For more about Sway, click here. In the meantime, enjoy going “back to the beginning”…

http://sway.com/s/D7veezrc6vUhqJGV/embed

[How fun is that? Feel free to scroll through and click the social links to share it!]

Had you seen a Sway before this? What is your favorite Undie Chronicle of the first five I included? Enquiring minds love to know these things here at More Cowbell!

Happy Monday, y’all!
~ Jenny

Thoughts on 2015, and Why 2014 Was Bionic.

2014 was a really bizarre year for me, and I’m hearing that sentiment all over Facebook. Everyone seems to be thinking the same thing: Bring on 2015.

That’s not to say there weren’t major highlights over the last year.

I started the year in breathless pain from the crazy Dog Hip, but then I had the surgery and became pretty bionic! Surgery and rehab took all of the summer and part of the Fall, and was followed by wicked vertigo. However, the spinning stopped in time for me to journey to Colorado to study with Writing Goddess Margie Lawson. Add in a writing award and the holidays, and the year ended pretty nicely.

2014 was all about people

I spent lots of time with my online pals during the surgery and rehab, which really kept up my spirits. Getting a hip rebuilt isn’t a small endeavor and my entire community rallied to make it fun.

Plus I got presents, and groovy playlists for the 6 hours a day of Cruella! It was amazing and humbling and, in it’s own way, magical.

• August McLaughlin sent me date bars and fun get well cards.
• Patricia Rickrode (aka Jansen Schmidt) sent me kickass wine.
• Sharla Rae sent me hilarious Undie Chronicle products.
• Piper Bayard and many others called or checked on me every few days.
• My relatives and friends took time from busy lives to come take care of me.

Best of all, y’all made me laugh and laugh and laugh. Laughter made that trying time go by quickly, and I cannot thank you enough.

I love that the More Cowbell Posse is so funny AND naughty. Seriously, with the exception of some tech and health articles, the most popular posts here in 2014 were:

• 10 Creative Ways To Express Your “Inner F-Bomb”
• Ten Computer Phrases that Sound Dirty But Aren’t
• O is for OMG, A Disorder I Shouldn’t Laugh At (But Do)
• Are You Fighting Dirty?
• Undie Chronicles, Vol 25: Are Girdles for Men Called Mirdles?

And my most popular post (by far) every single year:

• Using The 12 Stages of Physical Intimacy To Build Tension In Your Novel

See? We have a wonderful bunch here, and I love it!

Still, I’m looking forward to 2015. A lot. I’m pushing forward in a zillion wonderful directions on my writing, and my daughter will be entering a new phase called “public school.” She’ll be closer to home, and we’ll be saving lots of money so (just maybe) we’ll get to take a vacation this year.

[Really, who can resist that smile?]

What are you looking forward to in 2015? What are you most thankful for in 2014? Were you happy or sad to see last year come to a close? Enquiring minds love to know these things here at More Cowbell!

Happy New Year!
~ Jenny

Beach photo credit: Adriana @ Great Food 360° on Flicker – cc license

The Stocking Stuffer You Won’t Want to Miss. . .

My pal, Jess Witkins, is here just in time for Christmas with the stocking stuffer you won’t (okay might) want to miss. We gave ourselves fits over this on Facebook a few weeks back and I asked Jess if she would post on it.

We bring you…SCROGUARD. Yes, really.

I’ll give y’all a moment to recover from that photo. Heeeeeere’s Jess!

It’s called Scroguard, and it’s here to protect the ones you love! Only $19.99 + Shipping and Handling.

The makers of Scroguard sought to create a solution to the rising concern of Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs). [Okay, I’m concerned. But I can still laugh.] Most STDs are passed from one partner to another by skin to skin contact.

While using birth control methods, such as a condom, will prevent pregnancy and some forms of STDs, it does not protect against common infections like Human Papillomavirus (HPV), which can lead to cervical cancer. Scroguard is also meant to protect against herpes, crabs, and syphilis.

How it Works:

Scroguard is essentially a baby diaper latex speedo for men. Made of the same kind of latex material as condoms, Scroguard offers more coverage and protection from the transmission of bodily fluids. And, it’s washable!

WINNING!!!

[Jenny here: Wait till you watch the infomercial! I about lost it when they started washing this thing in the sink. That $20 can obviously go a LONG way.]

Scroguard is shipped discreetly to your home and stored in a package that is easy to slip into one’s pocket. Or, if you’d prefer, Scroguard can be worn for several hours prior to sexy time so you can avoid “awkward interruptions” between you and your lover. Won’t she (or he) be surprised when you unbutton your pants and show off your massive…protection?

The latex belt simply snaps around your waist. Next, add the condom and tuck its base into the opening of the Scroguard. Now you are clear for takeoff! I mean…ready for blast off! I mean…you know what I mean.

And if you’re still unsure, check out their innovative infomercial.

[Is anyone else dying over the rhymes? “Not available in stores. Call now, so you “get yours.” BAHAHAHAHA!]

Scroguard currently has zero competitors (Noooo. Really?), which means they are the leaders in genital latex coverage.

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Their Frequently Asked Questions cover all your need-to-know basics. For example:

Who is Scroguard for?

Scroguard™ is perfect for:

• Men with a high sex drive who enjoy sexual variety.
• Couples and individuals who love to swing.
• Casual sex partners and committed couples who want peace of mind.

Couldn’t I just use Saran Wrap around my privates?

[That’s] not very sexy and it’s time consuming.

Couldn’t I just avoid sex?

[That is] no fun.

My Scroguard™ arrived a bit sticky. Is this normal?

Yes. Scroguard is made of natural rubber latex. This is perfectly normal, and it is still OK to use.

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For the ultimate stocking stuffer this season…
get your loved ones Scroguard —
the sexiest STD prevention
for your partner’s erection!

[Jenny: *clutching sides laughing, sputtering in a heap on the floor*]

Wowza. Thank you, Jess! You took an important subject and turned it on it’s head. Um…

I don’t even know what question to ask first. Have y’all ever seen one of these things? What would you think if you encountered one of these “at ground zero,” if you know what I mean. Would you consider all that extra protection thoughtful or creepy? Enquiring minds LOVE to know these things here at More Cowbell!

~ Jenny 

About Jess

Jess Witkins claims the title Perseverance Expert. From party crashing as an Oops Baby to paving her way through pop culture, Jess explores it all.

Her special skills include: pretending to be an orphan, severe allergic reactions to the sun, having an I-Tunes collection full of 90’s hits, and quoting movie lines from the Oscar winning film, Spaceballs.

…What do you mean Spaceballs never won an Oscar? You’re joking!…

…You’re not joking?…

…I need to think about this…

…Despite your, and apparently the Academy’s, lack of appreciation for Spaceballs, I’ve decided we can still be friends…

Hang out with Jess at her blog, on Twitter or at Instagram. Prepare to laugh.

An Orgasm Article Sent My Power Crashing

Seriously, I was writing an article yesterday called, “Stressed Arizona Woman Averages 90 Orgasms per Hour,” and all the power in my house fried. Just click..zoom..NO power. Yes, it could’ve been the rain, but I’m kinda thinking it was the orgasms.

When I started writing on the topic, it was because the adolescent boy inside me saw this article and thought, “Oh, Lordy. How am I ever gonna measure up to that?” But after I read the entire thing, I thought, “Oh, that poor woman!” This gal has gigantic strings of unplanned, uncontrollable multiple O’s that keep her housebound and terrified.

This Persistent Genital Arousal Syndrome is nothing I’d want to have. I had a co-worker who showed symptoms of this when she was pregnant and it hit her almost every time her legs squeezed together. She’d take five minutes to go up a flight of stairs because she’d be moaning and climaxing every time she lifted her leg. And the worst part was one of her co-workers would have to hold her arm so she didn’t fall and hurt herself.

How do you ever look at your colleague again after he or she saw your sex face? Gah!

Like I said, I was three minutes from posting this article when the power in my house took a nose dive, and I freaked out. I’m flipping breaker switches like a maniac, running through my house turning off lights and yelling for the Hubs.

In the meantime, my phone worked, so I started up a #myWANA chat about it on Twitter with Darcy Flynn and Diana Beebe. Darcy had a sympathetic power outage while we all moaned about the loss of the orgasm article. You’ve gotta love that #myWANA hashtag…always a fine conversation to be found!

And I’m loving this life of writing both fiction and non-fiction. The most fascinating articles arise, if you know what I mean.

How is the weather treating you in your neck of the woods? Did that Noreaster hurt the holiday for any of my East Coast peeps? What disorders have you heard of that sound hilarious until you REALLY read about them? Enquiring minds always want to know these things here at More Cowbell!

Happy Monday, y’all!
~ Jenny

Photo courtesy of Steve Jurvetson – Flickr Image

Keeping the Gluten Out of Thanksgiving

For people who do a lot of cooking, eating gluten-free at home is not exceptionally hard.  Truly, there are tons of options these days. Plus, I eat a whole lot less in the way of processed food than I used to. I do miss beer on tap, restaurant bread, great bagels and ravioli. I don’t miss the migraines at all.

But….

• What about the holidays, when you’re trying to follow gluten-full family recipes?
• How do you substitute?
• Do you tell people they’re eating gluten-free, or not?

These are the dilemmas that I wrestle with as I prepare to cook a Thanksgiving meal for 10. Luckily, they’re all excited about the idea of a GF Turkey Day, but still a struggle that’s all too common in today’s environment of food allergens.

My three main bits of advice are:

1. Start as early as you can.
2. Experiment prior to the big day.
3. Use products you trust.

Below are items I had to really think about for Thanksgiving dinner.

I’m including this list to give you an idea of what you might be up against when you start shopping. I’ve included the watch-list items in red. You’ll need to pay attention to those.

1. Dessert: Apple, Pecan, Pumpkin pie (pie crust, Libby’s pumpkin filling is gluten-free, as is Carnation’s evaporated milk, or you can just use a “pie pumpkin” – many stores sell them).
2. Turkey: Check out the rub if you use one, stuffing must be gluten-free.
3. Cranberry Fluff: all fruit is GF, but my recipe also contains marshmallows.
4. Stuffing: Contains croutons, bread in some form, cream of mushroom soup, chicken broth, cornbread and vegetables like celery and onions.
5. Sweet potatoes: they’re gluten-free. BUT many families use marshmallows on top.
6. Mashed potatoes: Naturally GF. If you stir in chicken broth, be sure it’s gluten-free.
7. Green Bean casserole: you must watch both the cream of mushroom soup and the fried onions.

You also have to watch out for a lot of barbecue sauces and all regular soy sauce. They are likely to contain gluten. Everything else on your menu will be gluten-free: relish trays of vegetables, deviled eggs, cranberry sauce, fruit.

What I found with the list above is that many required some looking up and advanced planning on my part. Like I said, the earlier you start the better.

Believe it or not, #7 is the hardest because if you LOVE green bean casserole, you have to figure out how to make it sans gluten. Here is a recipe if you want to make the fried onions yourself. Also, you must find a GF cream of mushroom soup you like.

I’ve been cooking with the Gluten Free Cafe cream of mushroom soup because I can order it from Amazon and have it delivered right to my house. However, the consistency of the Pacific Food Cream of Mushroom soup is much better. And it’s now available from Amazon and most Wal-Marts. Someone just told me the Progresso Cream of Mushroom is GF but I haven’t verified that personally.

My go-to Cream of Mushroom and Chicken Broth!

If you use chicken broth in your recipes, you need to check your brand to be sure it’s gluten free. Many of the Swanson’s aren’t. I know for sure their beef broth is NOT. I use the 100% Natural Chicken Broth from Swanson’s because (a) it’s GF and (b) I can get it at Costco.

Stuffing wasn’t as hard to deal with as you might think. I can buy gluten-free croutons at the stores mentioned above, along with GF bread (Udi’s is my favorite).

Again, all of this can be shipped to you from Amazon but you’re running up against a time crunch at this point. But yes, you can get Udi’s from Amazon. :-) I believe their white bread will work best for stuffing.

Besides the green bean casserole, the items that gave me the most angst were the pies. I’m not worried about the ingredients, I’m worried about the crust. For the girl who always just rolled out the Pillsbury, making my own crust is a big deal. I’ve had the best luck flavor-wise with Pamela’s mix and with the pre-made crusts from Fabe’s.

Last but not least, here are the products I have found to be 100% reliable  regarding my “watch list” above:

• Marshmallows: Jet-Puffed brand from Kraft – marshmallows are inherently GF, but many brands dust them with flour.
• Libby’s canned pumpkin: I’ve tried this and it works great.
• Evaporated Milk: Land o’ Lakes and Carnation/Nestle are both gluten-free.
• Eagle Brand condensed milk is gluten-free.

My stuffing also has cornbread mix and there are many options here too. I chose Bob’s Red Mill again because it’s reliable. You could also use cornmeal (which is GF) and then use gluten-free flour instead of regular flour.

Note: Piper Bayard swears you can substitute half GF Oat flour and half Almond Meal for the regular flour in any baking recipe and it will taste moist and yummy. :-)

Are you gluten free (if so, what are your tricks)? How would you feel about someone making your Thanksgiving dinner without gluten? Should they tell you or not tell you? What is your favorite thing to eat for Thanksgiving? Enquiring minds love to know these things here at More Cowbell!

~Jenny

For my American friends… Have a fantastic Thanksgiving!! I’m not sure if I’ll post again this week, so I wanted to take a moment to tell you how thankful I am for your fun and your friendship. I love a gorgeous holiday table, so please DO share your pictures with me on Twitter or Facebook!

WD-40 Is The Newest Marital Aid… Really?

The lovely (and naughty) Kitt Crescendo posted this ad for WD-40 on my Facebook page, and the Hubs and I have been killing ourselves over it ever since.

If this photo is real, we are seriously under-utilizing the WD-40 at my place. How about you?

Are you using the proper formula for those rusty tools of yours? What about for the tight nuts? *waggles eyebrows*

And are you using the MAN SIZE, or are you still over here with me on the girly side of the fence with the junior-sized mini spray can?

I know skippy well that my home pressure pack doesn’t stand 9″ high and 1.5 in diameter.” (Thank God.) And there isn’t any red knob on top either.

And for God’s sake, why must you keep a spare pack in your car for emergencies? Don’t we have enough distractions on our highways with cell phones and seat warmers? Must we rev up our roadways with lubrication as well??

If this ad is true, we need to stock WD-40 in every bedroom in America, don’t you think?

Note: If you’re new here, and your mind hasn’t yet fallen in the gutter like the rest of us, please don’t actually put this in your bedroom for topical use. Try some other non-lethal marital aid. We’ll all cheer for you, I swear. [End of Public Service Announcement.]

What ads have you encountered lately with a high “naughty factor” (also known as IYKWIM)? What do you use WD-40 for over at your place? Enquiring minds always want to know these things here at More Cowbell!

Happy Monday, y’all!
~ Jenny

p.s. If you are interested in spooks, and writing about spies, hop on over to Writers In The Storm for Bayard & Holmes’ “Insider Tips for How the Pros ‘Bug.'”