The Fitness Tracker that Aims Below the Belt (Literally)

fitnessMove over, FitBit, there’s a new game in town and it’s aimed exclusively below the belt…at the lady bits. Usually it’s the More Cowbell Posse that sends me these crazy bits of trivia but this time it was my new fun friend, and content organizer: Flipboard.

One of the fitness articles that arrived on my feed was Glamour magazine’s gem, “I Never Knew How Strong My Vagina Was Until I Tried 3 Vaginal Fitness Trackers.” How do you NOT click on that?

I sure did click on that article. I read it and laughed my ass off. Then I read it again.

There are exercise programs for the vajayjay? How did I not know this? And there are apps and trackers for these invigorating devices. (Yes, you heard me, devices, as in plural. There are multiples for this stuff, just like you’d expect.)

After finding out about the NSA-trackable sex toys, I wasn’t super-surpised about the trackable part. There’s an app for every-damn-thing these days. I use Yoga Studio for workouts and Plant Nanny to grow virtual plants by drinking more water. I zoom ahead of the coffee line with the Starbuck’s app. Apps are a fun and useful thing.

But we’re tracking the strength of the lady bits now? What’s next, an Olympic event? By the way, there is a woman already training to be the gold medalist if that happens — Tatiana Kozhevnikova. (I’m just hazarding a guess that this is one mature woman who doesn’t tinkle when she sneezes.)

This gal can lift the equivalent weight of two watermelons with her private parts.

That’s an achievement you don’t hear about every day, right? (Only here at More Cowbell, my friends. We have ALL the best useless trivia.)

Note: That link above is a pretty hilarious video that’s actually (mostly) suitable for work.

I have so many questions since reading this article! The biggest one is how did this author face her friends and co-workers after writing thisThis woman is BRAVE. She used and reviewed three different devices and talked about them all. In detail. It’s a very well-written article, but still…

She reviewed three (apparently popular) devices: Tasl, Elvie and KGoal. The Elvie spawned this verbiage:

Elvie has four different levels ranging from training to advanced, and let’s just say the advanced is very advanced. This was, after all, a workout. Despite getting a 96 out of 100 in the training “lift” exercise, I literally got a zero in the advanced one the first time (though I was able to work up to a 54).

The hardest ones were the “hold,” which has you squeeze to keep the ball in the same place to build endurance, and the “speed,” which makes you hit a number of targets very quickly. These made me feel like I was developing my vagina’s fine motor skills. (Dying over that last sentence. DYING. Choking-and-unable-to-breath fits of laughter happened in my kitchen.)

Turns out the same way you can train yourself to shoot an arrow into the middle of a target, you can also improve your vagina’s precision. This made me aware of muscles I didn’t know I had.

Since when did we have to do fitness tracking and conditioning for the vajayjay…aren’t planks and burpees enough of a challenge? Can’t we do our kegels quietly and happily without having to compete for the “advanced score.” I mean, they push out babies…I’d say vaginas have already impressed us all.

Had y’all heard of this fitness trend? Do you have any inside scoop on any of the three devices? Enquiring minds need to know these things here at More Cowbell!

~ Jenny

Posted in Health, Humor | Tagged , , , , , | 15 Comments

Missed Connections: Find The Truth In This Crazy Hot Mess

My blogging pal, Natalie Hartford, has been on hiatus for a few years but she’s b-a-a-ack, and I’m excited. I pulled a post out of my archives in her honor. Her original Missed Connections post had us rolling in the aisles.

If you’re like the two of us, your first question is, “what’s a missed connection post?” [If you’re even more like us, your second question is, “How do I tear myself away from this crazy hot mess?”]

It’s like this:

People all around the world write and post these “missed connections” advertisements on Craigslist detailing their romantic “missed connection” with someone. My all time favorite find was a Tumblr site that gathers the funniest ones together.

My fave headlines were from Kansas City’s Craigslist:

PnL – You sold me your Pantys Friday night – m4w

You put midget porn in my mailbox – m4w

Shut the front door!!! My brother lives in Kansas City. I’ve got to call him and ask whether he knows he’s sharing his highways with these people. Criminey! (Plus, maybe he’ll teach these bozos how to spell “panties.”)

My favorite part about the one above with the midget porn? On the Tumblr site, there’s a little note below it that says, “Note – this is not the way to pick up your mailwoman.” (Ya think?)

Like Natalie, I could be in these things all day. You can’t buy this kind of entertainment (except maybe in Kansas City).

Now, on to the voting part of your Monday morning… Here are 4 Missed Connections for your viewing hilarity – three are from Craigslist and one I made up.

Can you spot the fake one? 

You Dropped Your Bible and I Saw Your Thong

I was walking down the sidewalk and you, a very good looking woman from the backside, dropped what appeared to be the Holy Bible, bent to pick it up, and (through no fault of my own) I saw your thong…and wow.

I know Jesus spent some time with Mary Magdalene, and likely she wore next to nothing under those sackcloths, but I have to admit, your short skirt and fluorescent pink thong were way sexier, and made me want to get to “know you”, in the Biblical sense of course. I’m not Christian, but if we can stick to the Basic 10 Commandments and leave the Pope out of it, I think we’ll be OK.

Oh, by the way, I was the very tall, tan, curly-haired, non-Christian gentleman walking behind you.

You Got Naked In My Trash

Yesterday afternoon while stocking the shelves in a local art gallery, I spied movement out our back door. It’s painted black to protect our merchandise so you couldn’t see me but boy could I see you! You were taking off your clothes in the middle of our trash area and gave me the best 5 minutes of my life.

You put on a pink t-shirt, black leather skirt and come-get-me pumps. I can only assume you were getting ready for a date at the apartment complex across the street.

I’d love to know your name. Better yet, I’d love to see you strip someplace better smelling, like my bedroom. Tell me the name of the apartment complex behind the strip mall so I’ll know it’s you.

Looking Forward To My Next Happy Meal

To the woman I had sex with in the bathroom of Walmart. I know we had a very strange love affair and it was an amazing 2 minutes. I would love to take you out sometime.

Meet me this Thursday the 6th at the same Walmart around 6pm. I’ll be sitting next to Ronald McDonald. Hope you are trying to find me…

Strong Legs on Kelly Drive

Hello. I saw you running on Kelly drive. You sort of fell trying to avoid some duck poo. I tried not to laugh but we both had a good laugh about it.

You looked like a former athlete because you had really nice muscular legs. Me I was the AA guy with the great smile. Jokes. Well I would really like to see you again to, um, run together or something sometime soon.

***************

There you have it — THE BEST Missed Connections I could find + a fake one. I can’t wait to see who guesses.


And just for kicks, which Missed Connection do you find most hilarious?


Natalie and I love the Hot Mess Extravaganza of Missed Connections. You know she and I will be killing ourselves over these for at least the next week.

Have you ever put up a Missed Connections ad? Do you wish they’d had this sort of thing sooner? What would you write if YOU were making a Missed Connection? Enquiring minds always want know these things here at More Cowbell!

Jenny

Posted in Humor, More Cowbell | Tagged , , , , , | 7 Comments

The Beauty Product that Made Me Giggle

One of my Millennial pals raved to me about snail slime, which is apparently the latest beauty craze. And I started laughing my guts out, thinking she was completely full of media hype. Only this is a real trend, common in Asia, and the practice dates back to ancient Greece.

Shut the crazy front door.

I can’t quite wrap my brain around the idea that snail slime is a desired  commodity. I tried it over the weekend and it didn’t feel bad. It’s supposed to help build collagen so I ordered some on Amazon. You know I will be sharing the results with all of you!

The Hubs immediately asked the questions burning in any logical brain:

  • How do they get the slime?
  • Who “milks” these snails?
  • Do women actually put the snails on their face?

Apparently there are snail farms for escargot and about 30-40 years ago the workers discovered that their hands got softer. So now they’ve added slime-production to their list of duties. They poke the snails, wash and tickle their bottoms, and poke in with a swab to get all the slime.

And holy cowbell, as if that wasn’t creepy enough, Korean women do put multiple snails on their face. Like on purpose. For hours at the spa.

Note: Many of these same women swear by the 10-Step Korean Skincare Routine, so they’re already way more committed than I am. Washcloth exfoliation and moisturizer after the shower are much more my speed.

This snail business is right up there with the V-Steam for me. I’m struggling with the “why” women do this to their bodies. I mean aren’t we all gorgeous enough without steamers under our hoohahs and snail trails on our face?

If you still want to know more, here are 10 Fascinating Facts about Snail Slime.

What say you, my posse? Had you heard of this slimy beauty trend? Would you try it? Enquiring minds love to know these things here at More Cowbell!

~ Jenny

p.s. I’m in two places at once today! I’m over at Jami Gold’s place talking about the #1 Enemy of Writing Dreams.

Posted in Health, Thoughty Thursday | Tagged , , , , , | 24 Comments

The NSA Can Now Track Your Sex Toys


Holy cowbell, sex toy hacking is a thing! Did you all catch this splendid news item? Hackers in New Zealand have found a way to hack the Bluetooth technology on a popular “personal massager,” which has opened up a whole vibrating can of worms if you know what I mean. 

At last week’s DEF CON 24 in Las Vegas, one of the speaker modules was titled:

Breaking the Internet of Vibrating Things: What We Learned Reverse Engineering Bluetooth- and Internet-Enabled Adult Toys

Before we get to the article, the device and the implications, let’s chat for a second about DEF CON. Not being a hacker, I’d never heard of the conference before. It’s held yearly in late July/early August and it’s unlike any conference I’ve ever attended.

Get this: entry is cash only, no early bird pricing, NO registration. (I can’t even describe to you how much this would stress all my conference-going pals out.) And there are tens of thousands of hackers attending this event every year.

Just reading the conference information page was eye-opening. Hacker conferences are a THING, y’all.

When and where is DEF CON 24?
DEF CON is generally in the last week of July or first week of August in Las Vegas. DEF CON 24 will be held August 4-7, 2016 at Paris and Bally’s in Las Vegas. Many people arrive a day early, and many stay a day later. Again this year we will have some things running on Thursday.


How much is admission?
$240.00 USD, Cash for all four days. Everyone pays the same: The government, the media, the ‘well known hackers’, the unknown script kiddies. The only discount is for Goons and speakers, who get to work without paying for the privilege. We only accept cash – no checks, no money orders, no travelers checks. We don’t want to be a target of any State or Federal fishing expeditions.


Can I pre-register for DEF CON?
No.


How many people will be there?
Last year we had more than 15,000 people at DEF CON! The last few years, attendence has been in the 12-14k range.

The article I read in the British newspaper, The Register, stated that “the two-person team of g0ldfisk and follower got hold of the schematics for the We Vibe 4 Plus, a U-shaped vibrator that can be controlled via Bluetooth using a remote control or a smartphone app. The wireless functions mean the device’s makers had to report its details with the United States the Federal Communications Commission, and that filing allowed the hackers to figure out a way to crack the device.”

I don’t know about you, but they lost me at “smartphone app.” I have no desire to have my lady bits (and their various and sundry activities) broadcast to the cloud. Anyone who saw Katherine Heigl in The Ugly Truth knows what happens when control of sex toys fall into the wrong hands.

And the order page for the cute We-Vibe devices says these hackable darlings cost $179 + shipping. That’s a whole lot more than the usual $15-50 range for most nookie toys. The good news is, they’re almost half off at Amazon. *lol*

We-Vibe Web Capture

The gal who sent me the article, said: “Anyone who hacks someone’s vibrator definitely has too much time on their hands.”

My response to that?

My friend, these are hackers. These are not people who are out socializing and frittering away their time with live people. They are busy poking around virtually at the rest of us – literally in this case.

Not that they don’t have a killer sense of humor – here’s the abstract for the talk.

Note: My comments in pink. Their choicest lines in blue.

The Internet of Things is filled with vulnerabilities, would you expect the Internet of Vibrating Things to be any different? As teledildonics come into the mainstream, human sexual pleasure has become connected with the concerns of privacy and security already familiar to those who previously only wanted to turn on their lights, rather than their lover[Dying over “teledildonics”…Dying!!!]

Do you care if someone else knows if you or your lover is wearing a remote control vibrator? Do you care if the manufacturer is tracking your activity, sexual health and to whom you give control? How do you really know who is making you squirm with pleasure? And what happens when your government decides your sex toy is an aid to political dissidents? 

[When “my sex toys become an aid for political dissidents??” If that happens, people, the end days are upon us. Just pack up your non-cloud-connected sex toys and go live off the grid.]

Because there’s nothing more sexy than reverse engineering we looked into one product (the We-Vibe 4 Plus from the innocuously named “Standard Innovation Corporation”) to get answers for you.

Attend our talk to learn the unexpected political and legal implications of internet connected sex toys and, perhaps more importantly, how you can explore and gain more control over the intimate devices in your life. Learn the reverse engineering approach we took–suitable for both first timers and the more experienced–to analyze a product that integrates a Bluetooth LE/Smart wireless hardware device, mobile app and server-side functionality. More parts means more attack surfaces! [No, Mr. NSA, pleeeaaaaazzzzze don’t attack my vibes.

Alongside the talk, we are releasing the “Weevil” suite of tools to enable you to simulate and control We-Vibe compatible vibrators. We invite you to bring your knowledge of mobile app exploits, wireless communication hijacking (you already hacked your electronic skateboard last year, right?) and back-end server vulnerabilities to the party. It’s time for you to get to play with your toys more privately and creatively than before.

[Did you notice there’s “IYKWIM’s” for almost every sentence in this abstract?]

So there you have it, my friends. Here at More Cowbell we’ve all discovered that the NSA really is storing data on everything.

Had you ever heard of this type of hacking? Knowing what you know, would you ever  buy the We Vibe 4 Plus? What’s the most unusual hacking story you’ve ever heard? Enquiring minds always want to know these things here at More Cowbell!

Jenny

Posted in Technology Fun, Thoughty Thursday | Tagged , , , , | 5 Comments

8 (Mostly True) Facts About Mondays

What we’d all like to being doing on Mondays… Photo: Dana Ross Martin ~ WANA Commons

I don’t know about you, but I suck at Mondays. And mornings. They’re just not my thing. My only solution to the Monday Madness is to share some smiles.

Facts and theories about the first (often dreaded) day of the week.

1. Monday isn’t actually the worst day of the week. (Tuesday is.) Monday is when you find out what you missed from the prior week – Tuesday is when you must DO those things.

2. Visits to Sexy Town or Hanky-Panky-Ville guarantee a great Monday mood. Married people are more likely to have sex on the weekends (especially if they have kids). Plus, they’ve had some sleep. (This supports my theory from #1.)

3. Monday is hands down the best traffic day of the week. Seriously. All those people who take 3 day weekends are off the roads. Plus there’s lots of “weekend flu” going around on Monday mornings.

4. 50% of workers are late on Monday mornings. No joke. I think it’s the stress, which is kind of hilarious considering most people only work about 3.5 productive hours on Mondays. Or maybe it’s that “weekend flu.”

5. I always have clean hair on Mondays. I can’t state that unequivocally every day. Things happen. But the weekends are when I catch up and that includes hair washing.

6. I drink more coffee on Mondays. Hey, I’m not bragging. Truth is, I’m usually dragging from trying to cram everything in over the weekend. Most days I have 2 cups but on Monday’s I mainline caffeine just to get my verve on for the week.

7. Monday brings cute outfits to the workplace. This is directly related to the aforementioned point of trying to cram everything into the weekend. That includes laundry. This unearths serious clothing treasure.

8. Most people don’t smile until after 11 am on a Monday. (11:16 am to be exact.) Huh. Who knew?

What theories do you have about Monday? Where does it fall in your “Like” rankings? How was your weekend? Equiring minds always want to know these things here at More Cowbell!

– Jenny

Posted in Life's Challenges, More Cowbell | Tagged , , , , | 22 Comments

What Is In a Rock Star’s Undie Drawer?

Undie Chronicles

Superhero underpants – Sawdust Art Festival – Durden Art booth

As y’all know, the undie drawer is always a topic of speculation here at More Cowbell. I’m reading Roni Loren’s Wanderlust right now (only $3.99 on Kindle!), a sexy summer read. I’m only halfway through and I’m wildly curious about what’s going on under her hero’s clothes.

His name is Lex Logan and he’s my new yummy book boyfriend. I’ve decided he’s named after the villain who kept Superman in the phone booth, stripping down to his underpants. (That’s Lex Luthor, for the non-geeks.)

I dig me some Lex Logan! And since I know Roni Loren, a super-fabulous smexy author, and her books are on my auto-buy list, I pushed shoved wangled my way onto her blog tour for some Q&A. I’m really, really enjoying the book.

WanderlustQuoteCard1

My questions and comments are below in pink.

1. Why did you choose to set the book and character in the music world?

I love all kinds of music, but rock music has my heart. Going to concerts is one of the things my husband and I love to do most, and there’s just something so irresistible about a guy with a guitar (or a drum kit).

2. What was your favorite part of the research?

Drooling over hot rockstars at concerts? Lol. Oh, how my dear husband puts up with me. I once nearly fell on my face getting close enough to Dave Grohl (Foo Fighters) to pat him on the shoulder. And hubs is still laughing about that time I completely lost my s**t when Jordan Knight (of New Kids on the Block—so not rock music, but my adolescent obsession) came into the audience to sing a song on a platform right in front of me. Somehow my rather introverted grown self turned into the screaming fourteen-year-old version of me. O.0  Not my proudest moment.

[This cracked me up, as I DO know how introverted Roni is. Score one for Jordan Knight! First crushes are the best.]

But on a more serious note, I also read rock biographies The Dirt by Motley Crue and It’s So Easy by Duff McKagan (of Guns ‘n’ Roses). I read those just because I wanted to and love both bands, but it ended up being helpful research. And hubs and I are junkies for rockumentaries. Foo Fighters’ Back and Forth, Thirty Seconds to Mars’ Artifact, Tom Petty’s Runnin’ Down a Dream, and Pearl Jam’s Twenty were all amazing. Plus, we’ve watched pretty much every episode of VH1’s Behind the Music.

3. Biggest surprise encountered during the process?

That this book has finally made it to the shelf. I wrote the original version of Wanderlust back in 2009 before I was ever published. My debut book, Crash Into You, was the book I wrote after this one. But at the time, rockstar romances weren’t popular and were almost frowned upon. Now they’re a thing. Guess I was way ahead of the trend.

4. What kind of undies do your hero and heroine wear?

Aubrey’s a pretty practical girl, so cotton bikinis would be her go to. I think I have a scene where Lex is wearing boxers, but he’d also be the type to just go commando. Rockers do wear their jeans pretty tight.🙂

5. Biggest surprise to be found in each of their undie drawers…

Lex would probably tuck his song lyrics in there because he doesn’t like to share them until the song is ready. Aubrey hasn’t dated in a long time and is all about being self-sufficient, so she’d probably have some self-help. (IYKWIM.)

Hello, my posse! I’ve been on vacation for a while, so I’m delighted to return to More Cowbell with a bang, so to speak.

This is the last week of Roni’s blog tour, so jump in if you want to be in the running for the Amazon card giveaway (Rafflecopter below), or ask Roni any questions.

I’m back to my regular posting schedule as of next week.

About Roni:

Roni wrote her first romance novel at age fifteen when she discovered writing about boys was way easier than actually talking to them. Since then, her flirting skills haven’t improved, but she likes to think her storytelling ability has. Though she’ll forever be a New Orleans girl at heart, she now lives in Dallas with her husband and son.

If she’s not working on her latest sexy story, you can find her reading, watching reality television, or indulging in her unhealthy addiction to rockstars, er, rock concerts. Yeah, that’s it. She is the National Bestselling Author of The Loving on the Edge series from Berkley Heat.

Connect with Roni: Site | Facebook | Twitter | Goodreads

About the Book:

From the New York Times bestselling author of the Loving on the Edge series and Off the Clock, a story of sex, love, rock & roll, and a reporter who’s about to learn a new meaning for staying on top of her assignment…

Restaurant critic Aubrey Bordelon is never at a loss for words to describe her meals in the fancy restaurants of New Orleans. But after her magazine’s high-profile music reporter falls ill, she finds herself out of her element and in a sea of screaming fans awaiting Wanderlust’s lead singer, Lex Logan. The sound of his voice gives her goosebumps, and the stage presence of the hard-bodied rock star takes her breath away. So when he pulls her onstage for a sexy stunt, she knows she’s in real trouble.

Lex doesn’t want to pretend that the sparks on stage between him and Aubrey never happened, but it certainly makes the fact that she’s writing a story on his band all the more dangerous. The last thing he needs is some nosy reporter revealing their problems to the world. But the sexy Southern belle doesn’t give up easily, and soon, he’s wondering if the best way to chase her off the story is to coax her into his bed…

Purchase: Amazon | Barnes & NobleGoogle Play | iTunes | Kobo
Add to Goodreads

Holy Cowbell, there’s a giveaway!

  • 1 $25 Gift Card (Choice of Amazon or B&N)

a Rafflecopter giveaway

WanderlustQuote2-3

Posted in Amazing Writers, Book Reviews | Tagged , , , , | 9 Comments

Some Words About the Nature of “Consent”

Apparently I’ve been living under a rock, because I just heard about the whole Stanford sexual assault trial this week. [This was the travesty of justice headlined by Brock Turner, in case you have also been hiding under a rock.]

I found out about it when I read this article, We With the Pitchforks (which is excellent). Go read that – there are wonderful links to everything pertinent inside that post.

In my defense, I’m a writer and I tend to live inside my happy little bubble of motherhood and fictional characters. Also, the Hubs acts as a news filter for me and often keeps mum about the child abusers and rapists.

As for Brock Turner…well, there is no defense. He violated a young woman and has not taken any appreciable responsibility for his actions or shown any public remorse.

As a parent of a daughter, I’m outraged by him, but I’m more angry at his father, Dan Turner. He is a bigger asshat than Brock. Not only did he form the crooked psyche that sexually assaulted an unconscious woman, he then sent a letter to the judge referring to his son’s crime as “20 minutes of action.”

My head almost exploded when I read that. [Action? ACTION??! You putrid piece of humanity.]

Yes, I know he was arguing for his son. I know he then made this statement afterward to CNN:

“What I meant with that comment is a 20-minute period of time. I was not referring to sexual activity by the word ‘action.’ It was an unfortunate choice of words, and I did not mean to be disrespectful or offensive to anyone,” Dan Turner said.

And he’s asking for donations to offset his legal costs.

It all makes my blood boil. This letter from a pastor in North Carolina, father to father, made me feel a teensy bit better. The smallest, most miniscule, teensy bit. The letter from Joe Biden to the victim helped a smidgen too.

I tend to push for kindness in all things. I think our world runs low on kindness. But I can’t be kind about this one. I can’t find any kindness toward a young man who perpetrated this crime against an unconsious young woman, and then dragged her through a lengthy court battle when he got caught.

And what was up with this judge? As one Facebook commenter put it:

People like Judge Persky are a big part of the reason why so many rape victims don’t report sexual assault. The justice system failed that woman. It breaks my heart.

So, to Brock and all the other asshats who think consent is a murky issue, you need to watch this video. The Brits always know how to cut to the chase in brilliant style.

If you’re feeling a bit more militant on the Stanford Rapist issue (like the rest of us), this video by Philip DeFranco might be more your style.

I know this isn’t what you usually read about here on More Cowbell, but this outrage has been churning in my gut for a few days and I had to let it out. This victim deserved a hell of a lot more justice than she received.

Did you follow this trial through it’s entirety or absorb it in one sordid gulp at verdict time, like I did? Do you have any thoughts you’d like to share? I’d love to hear them.

~ Jenny

Posted in Parenting, Thoughty Thursday | Tagged , , , , , | 19 Comments

An Open Letter to America’s Butt Impersonators…

I’m a little concerned about America’s @ss obsession. I know 2014 was “The Year of the Booty.” I know J-Lo, Kim Kardashian and Nicki Minaj are raking in millions, partly due to the glorious ginormous junk in their trunk.

I get it, America. I do. I mean who didn’t have at least a passing yen to slip-and-slide down KiKi’s oiled derrierre on that Paper magazine cover? Who could look away from all that shimmering badonk during Nicki’s Anaconda video?

Those butts are mesmerizing.

[Commercial break: Everyone wants to have a butt so perky they could serve tea off it. And squats take time. (Do them anyway, people!) Here are 16 Booty Boosters. Kiki’s butt is strangely motivating to me.]

But does this butt obsession really mean the men and women of America need to transfer blobs of fat from one part of their body and have it injected into their @ss? Do the gals really need to insert rounding devices into their booties to achieve the rear-facing “Minaj Decolletage?”

According to the Journal of Plastic Surgery, that answer is “YES.”

SHAPE magazine reported that “butt implants and lifts are the fastest-growing types of plastic surgery in the United States.” The American Society of Plastic Surgeons reported that there were more than 22,000 butt surgeries in 2015!

What kind of sick nonsense is this?

How do you heal from this sort of surgery? How do you go to the bathroom? Is there rehab? Take it from someone who did four months of hip rehab a few years back – you do not want to rehab anything near your @ss.

Booty by the Numbers

Buttock augmentation with fat grafting
2015: 14,705
2014: 11,505
2000: no numbers
% change 2015 vs. 2014: 28%
% change 2015 vs. 2000: no numbers

Buttock implants
2015: 2,540
2014: 1,863
2000: no numbers
% change 2015 vs. 2014: 36%
% change 2015 vs. 2000: no numbers

Buttock lift
2015: 4,767
2014:  3,505
2000: 1,356 
% change 2015 vs. 2014: 36%
% change 2015 vs. 2000: 252%

[Commercial break: Eeeeeeeewwwww. They’re grafting fat! Have you ever seen adipose tissue? How do they make it stay…do they melt it, mold it, WHAT? Gah!]

Can’t y’all just celebrate the behind you have? Oil it up if you must. Perhaps you can add a tattoo or a nifty design for interest. But having surgery, just to get Kardashian-looking butt? I think you need to rethink this thing, America. I really do.

[While you’re rethinking, enjoy the Try Guys attempts at the Kardashian Booty Shoot. It is Monday, after all. We must laugh.]

Note: The Try Guys are exempted from the Butt Impersonator questions, since they were up front about it. They weren’t saying – “Hey, Doc…can you move my fat?” They let it all hang out and celebrated it.

So…your thoughts on the Butt Issue? On the current shape-shaming trend for hourglass figures? How do you weigh in on America’s @ss obsession? Enquiring minds always want to know these things here at More Cowbell!

~ Jenny

Posted in Health, Life's Challenges | Tagged , , , , | 23 Comments

Undie Chronicles, Vol. 31 — Hungry Like the Wolf

Those of you who are new to More Cowbell might have missed The Undie Chronicles. The regular posse here knows: When the Undie-verse speaks, we will always listenI had no idea when this began that there were so many hilarious undie-based topics to discuss. Plus it’s Monday, and I like a good Monday belly laugh.

So, apparently Wolf Boxers are a thing. And the Wolf Boxers scare the crap out of me with their snarl, and their realistic in-your-face…nose. I think if I got into a pair of pants that had THESE inside, I’d leap from the bed like Superwoman

One of my pals sent me that tweet, and I immediately began researching…

Where does one get this canine cotton collection?

AliExpress has everything from tigers to wolves to incredibly scary bald eagles, all in “breathable cotton.” You can even buy mixed packages (two eagles, two wolves). And it’s on sale for the next week or so. 

Yessirreee, that’s 25% off a package of four if you decide you can’t live without these bloodsuckers.

Crazy Undies

There’s even an angry version. (Alas, they are only 7% off.)

Crazy Undies

My personal opinion (besides “who wears this stuff?”) is this: Forget the “breathable cotton,” Manufacturers. Include a paper bag. When faced with these gems, it’s not  your manly bits that will need help breathing.

I was so disturbed, I showed my Hubs the tweet and asked him to opine.

Me: So, would you ever wear these?

Hubs: *fastest glance in history* No.

Me: Why not?

Hubs: Because a man who would wear those is the kind of man who names his d*ck.

Me: *open-mouthed stare*

Hubs: Seriously. That’s the kind of guy who would talk about his d*ck in third person. “Wolf wants to eat Beaver.” It’s freaky. And adolescent. And bizarre.

Me: O-o-o-kaaaay. Anything else?

[And here’s where I laughed myself breathless. Sometimes my husband is so bloggable.]

Hubs: “When I was a bartender, one of my customers hated country music. The music, the rodeos, the whole thing. He called those big belt buckles “tombstones for dead d*cks.” Well these boxers are like that — camouflage for a tiny penis.

You’ll notice they’re not a Chihuahua. They made it a wolf on purpose. They’ll probably put out Dobermans next. It’s a paranoid guy’s way of saying [insert Wizard of Oz voice], “Pay no attention to the d*ck behind the Doberman.”

Me: *in between wheezing giggles* So it’s like the midlife crisis of underpants.

Hubs: Yes. Like the “Low-T guy” who buys a Ferrari to compensate for his lack of testosterone.

Me: I had no idea you’d have such definite opinions on this.

And we still have vital unanswered questions…

Like…

Is the nose built in to be that perky? No one could possibly have their junk lined up perfectly with that snout. And forget about that eagle’s beak. That is NOT natural.

How do you relieve yourself in these things? Because we don’t see an opening. Anywhere.

Is there symbolism to this wolf thing, besides the obvious implications of “dog?”

And most importantly, WHO is buying these? The site says they have 70,000 available, which implies a certain expectation of demand.

The Hubs and I spent a wildly entertaining evening pondering these things. I don’t think I’ve gotten this much undie feedback out of my guy since Thunderwear. I have to confess…conversations like this make me fall in love with him all over again.

Had you already discovered Wolf Boxers? Any interest in ordering them for yourself or a loved one? Do you have questions to add to our list? Don’t be shy…enquiring minds always want to know these things here at More Cowbell!

~ Jenny

Posted in Dating for Dummies, Undie Chronicles | Tagged , , , , | 16 Comments

Why I Freaking LOVE Twitter

I’m a pretty big fan of social media across the board, but there is something about the 140 character limit that brings out the clever in people. Case in point, a hashtag that is trending right now: #ChangeAConsonantRuinAMovie.

I’ve been laughing my head off over these tweets for the last ten minutes, which means I had to share them with my peeps. Because we all need a laugh on Monday…Right? Riiight.

 

 

 

 

 

And then they got started with the Photoshop…

 

 

And if none of that was enough to make you giggle, here are 29 AutoCorrect Fails That Are Never Not Funny. (There are two samples below that really “celebrate the female,” if you know what I mean.)

AutoCorrect AutoCorrect

Happy Monday, y’all! Who or what is slaying you with humor today?

Share the funny links and quotes down in the comments. Which tweet is your favorite? Enquiring peeps always  want to laugh their guts out here at More Cowbell!

~ Jenny

Posted in Humor, More Cowbell | Tagged , , , , , | 22 Comments