Undie Chronicles, Vol. 33: An Undie Jedi Master

Photo credit: http://c1.staticflickr.com/7/6211/6294467214_7a67afc703_b.jpg

When an article begins with “What kind of underwear do y’all mess with?” it’s a sure bet that I’m going to tune in.

The original tease said: “Staffer wears undies for a month and reports back.” I clicked, assuming the report would center around the odd fungus that developed in said staffer’s nether regions. I mean really, what kind of yo-yo wears their pants for a month?

Thankfully, the actual article, from wordsmith Andrew Cross, is about a brand he tried out (MeUndies). It’s titled, “I Tested Out MeUndies For A Month – The Results Are In.”

When an article has this in the second paragraph, it must be shared:

I like that snugness. I like to feel supported, you feel me? But regular briefs make me feel like I’m either 9 or 90 years old.

Especially when it’s followed by an Undie Timeline.

I bow down to a good Undie Timeline.

The underwear coming-of-age story generally looks something like this:

Age 0-11: Briefs. Because you don’t know any better and they’re cheap and your mom buys them for you. You’re wearing Fruit of the Loom if you’re lucky.

Age 12-16: Boxers. You heard a rumor at school that tight underwear will f*ck with your sperm count or your ability to get it up or other foolishness. You beg your moms for some silk NHL team-print Joe Boxers, and she comes home with some floppy plaid Jockeys, but you wear them anyway because you think that’s what you’re supposed to do.

Age 16-??: You realize that floppy boxers bunch up weirdly under your jeans, so you switch back to briefs. But now that you’ve grown and *filled out* a bit, they just feel weird. You feel disillusioned and lost. You’re not sure where to turn. You don’t know where to put your junk. Enter boxer briefs. Maybe you saw a homie in the changing room wearing them. Maybe you noticed them on a Calvin Klein ad in the subway. Either way, you have realized that boxer briefs are the only way to look like a grown-up while still keeping 90% of your clothes on the floor. You buy a few pairs of Calvins and feel great.

The boxer brief is surely the underwear choice of the distinguished man.

[I just want to bronze that last line in a Shrine of Awesome. Are you with me, friends?]

This article says it’s about MeUndies, but it’s really about great writing. I was ready to buy a case of these things after reading this line, and I don’t even have junk.

Honest to god, walking around the office with these things swishing delicately under my jeans is a borderline sick pleasure that everyone should experience at least once. It feels like I’m breaching some kind of weird societal taboo — but nobody knows.

Can I get an “amen?” Doesn’t everyone want to “swish delicately” at some point in their life?

This guy had me from  the first line, but he finishes strong with an Underwear Hierarchy. This was the part that convinced me we need to induct Andrew into the More Cowbell Posse. Posthaste.

Let’s review: 

• Briefs are for small children and old men.
• Boxers are for insecure teenagers.
• Boxer briefs are God-tier underwear worn by the true players of the world.
• MeUndies makes the best god-damned boxer briefs to ever grace the temple that is my body. 

Trust me, daddy: You want these on your junk.

You can get yourself a pair starting from $20.00 at MeUndies.com.

That’s salemanship, y’all. Stellar salesmanship. Andew is an Undie Jedi Master. Ole, dude. Ole!

I’m wishing you guys a wonderful holiday season, filled with the people and activities you love. I hope it’s filled with much cowbell and plenty of love.

What’s the best ad you’ve heard or seen this holiday season? Feel free to post the link in the comments section. Enquiring minds love to know these things here at More Cowbell!

~ Jenny