The Fitness Tracker that Aims Below the Belt (Literally)

Move over, FitBit, there’s a new game in town and it’s aimed exclusively below the belt…at the lady bits. Usually it’s the More Cowbell Posse that sends me these crazy bits of trivia but this time it was my new fun friend, and content organizer: Flipboard.

One of the fitness articles that arrived on my feed was Glamour magazine’s gem, “I Never Knew How Strong My Vagina Was Until I Tried 3 Vaginal Fitness Trackers.” How do you NOT click on that?

I sure did click on that article. I read it and laughed my ass off. Then I read it again.

There are exercise programs for the vajayjay? How did I not know this? And there are apps and trackers for these invigorating devices. (Yes, you heard me, devices, as in plural. There are multiples for this stuff, just like you’d expect.)

After finding out about the NSA-trackable sex toys, I wasn’t super-surpised about the trackable part. There’s an app for every-damn-thing these days. I use Yoga Studio for workouts and Plant Nanny to grow virtual plants by drinking more water. I zoom ahead of the coffee line with the Starbuck’s app. Apps are a fun and useful thing.

But we’re tracking the strength of the lady bits now? What’s next, an Olympic event? By the way, there is a woman already training to be the gold medalist if that happens — Tatiana Kozhevnikova. (I’m just hazarding a guess that this is one mature woman who doesn’t tinkle when she sneezes.)

This gal can lift the equivalent weight of two watermelons with her private parts.

That’s an achievement you don’t hear about every day, right? (Only here at More Cowbell, my friends. We have ALL the best useless trivia.)

Note: That link above is a pretty hilarious video that’s actually (mostly) suitable for work.

I have so many questions since reading this article! The biggest one is how did this author face her friends and co-workers after writing this? This woman is BRAVE. She used and reviewed three different devices and talked about them all. In detail. It’s a very well-written article, but still…

She reviewed three (apparently popular) devices: Tasl, Elvie and KGoal. The Elvie spawned this verbiage:

Elvie has four different levels ranging from training to advanced, and let’s just say the advanced is very advanced. This was, after all, a workout. Despite getting a 96 out of 100 in the training “lift” exercise, I literally got a zero in the advanced one the first time (though I was able to work up to a 54).

The hardest ones were the “hold,” which has you squeeze to keep the ball in the same place to build endurance, and the “speed,” which makes you hit a number of targets very quickly. These made me feel like I was developing my vagina’s fine motor skills. (Dying over that last sentence. DYING. Choking-and-unable-to-breath fits of laughter happened in my kitchen.)

Turns out the same way you can train yourself to shoot an arrow into the middle of a target, you can also improve your vagina’s precision. This made me aware of muscles I didn’t know I had.

Since when did we have to do fitness tracking and conditioning for the vajayjay…aren’t planks and burpees enough of a challenge? Can’t we do our kegels quietly and happily without having to compete for the “advanced score.” I mean, they push out babies…I’d say vaginas have already impressed us all.

Had y’all heard of this fitness trend? Do you have any inside scoop on any of the three devices? Enquiring minds need to know these things here at More Cowbell!

~ Jenny