Those of you who are new to More Cowbell might have missed The Undie Chronicles. The regular posse here knows: When the Undie-verse speaks, we will always listen. I had no idea when this began that there were so many hilarious undie-based topics to discuss. Plus it’s Monday, and I like a good Monday belly laugh.
This article came across my desk the other day:
Orlando Bloom won’t wear same undies twice.
My pal, Orlando, and “undies” in the same sentence? Y’all know that perked me up. I was so there. I couldn’t wait to see what the man was getting up to under them jeans, if you know what I mean.
But then I read the article in the Chronicle:
The 38-year-old actor is reportedly obsessed with shopping for new boxer shorts and refuses to wear the same pair twice.
A source close to the British heartthrob told In Touch Weekly magazine: “Orlando always seems super excited about picking out a new pair of boxers. He goes to a local sleepwear store once a week to pick fresh new pairs of boxers. He never wears the same pair twice.”
But the ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ star is very picky about his under garments.
The insider explained: “He’s not a fan of bright colours and likes each pair to be soft and silky.”
Note to Orlando:
Dude. We have got to chat about your Undie Issues.
I’m as mad for wild undergarments at the next girl, so when I heard about your obsession, I was prepared to be amazed. I imagined elvish wonders, or at least cool sayings on your drawers, like “My Precious” or “You Shall Not Pass.” Perhaps even something clever like, “The ring has awoken…”
Etsy Shop – SoEffingCute: https://www.etsy.com/listing/89762890/lotr-you-shall-not-pass-undiesbooty
But the same style, new pair? Every. Day. Just soft, neutral boxers forever? That is so (SO) boring. And germaphobic. And rather bizarre. I’m just saying… It might be time for an Undie Therapist.
**Makes notes to research whether sex therapists address undergarments.**
Orlando…Orlando…Orlando… Or should I say “Legolas,” since that is when I first fell in lust love with you. You’re letting us down, man… Legolas wouldn’t spend time on any of this nonsense. Neither would Will Turner…he’s too busy with his sword, and with swilling rum with his pal, Jack.
Now I will forever think of you as “Orlando, the Anti-Laundry Germaphobe.”
Can we at least get some bright colors going on under those clothes? Farm animals? Glow-In-the-Dark action? Restore our faith, Orlando. Or at least start borrowing your characters’ drawers.
Do you have any undie idiosyncracies? Comments on Orlando’s habits? Thoughts about whether or not he should have an undie donation station for all these “single wears?” Enquiring minds are always curious about these things here at More Cowbell!
~ Jenny
Jenny Hansen's Blog 
Confession: There was a time earlier in life when I went through a “silk boxers” phase. I’ll leave it to my lovely wife to comment on the laundry challenges that posed. C’est tout.
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I don’t even know how you’d wash silk boxers! Your wife is a saint. 🙂
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LOL, they didn’t hold up for very long (should that be followed by an IYKWIM?). But there’s a funny story about those boxers. Years ago, when my mother-in-law came to town to visit her first grandchild (our first son), she stayed for a while to help out with household chores so I could rest. When she was leaving, she provided sort of an inventory of all the chores she did, and added (in her broadest “pahk the cah” New England accent): “I didn’t wash Paul’s fancy underwear. Had no idea how to wash THOSE.”
Sorry, Paul…you started it! *wink*
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Y’all are a stitch. I can now hear your mother-in-law in my head. 🙂
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Is the world strange or what? I just spent an hour on my stationary bike watching a Beth Moore Bible Study video and then came up to my office to read about Orlando Bloom’s underwear idiosyncrasies. Variety, the name is Jane!
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I’m impressed with that variety, Jane! And kudos to you for putting in an hour on your bike. 🙂
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Makes you wonder what he did before he started making all that money (!)
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I wondered about that exact issue. You have to figure each pair is $5-10 so the man is spending at least $3-4K on underpants every year. WOW.
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Commando? Or maybe he threw his jeans away every evening. Now he’s “budgeting?”.
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I haven’t heard anything about the jeans. Will do further research…
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Okay, so I had a friend in my past who did this. As in, never wore the same pair of underwear twice. She treated regular undies like they were disposable. It was odd. But I figured whatever — if she had the money and that was her quirk, it didn’t affect me and it made her happy. I guess she’d be pleased now to know she’s in the company of Orlando Bloom on this one.
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Not a recycler? Shame. Filling up the landfill with almost new undies…. bad.
I say, Dude, put your used ones on Ebay! I’d places a bid! And when my “package” arrived, I could hold ’em and call ’em “My Precious.” Dunno if I’d ever admit to sniffing them – butt (pun intended) I just might – out of curiosity and research.
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BAHAHAHAHA. Call them “my Precious.” That’s an excellent thought. And truly, the man could make tons of money for charity auctioning off his underpants. People are just that quirky.
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OMG, so this is potentially a common habit. It’s at least not completely uncommon. How funny is that?
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Another thought: Remember how grandma always told us to wear clean underwear, just in case we were in a car wreck, had to go to the hospital? Perhaps his grandma got carried away with her wise warnings and he is a bit traumatized. Get thee to an Undie Therapist, post haste!
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I think there really should be Undie Therapists. 🙂
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That’s funny and crazy. Undie donation indeed or fly over and stop him Jenny. He could donate all that money to buying undies for the poor or something.
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Truth really is stranger than fiction, Catherine. I know he can spend his money on whatever he wants, but it seems like this could be a major donation as well.
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Well, I guess when one has his money, one can do what they want with it. And if that means new undies every day, then so be it. The economy is happier for it.
But, yes, it’s weird. What if he finds a pair he really, really, really likes? Buy the store out of its supply? Hmmm.
Patricia Rickrode
w/a Jansen Schmidt
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I guarantee you he probably has them drop-shipped to his door. Who could keep up with all that shopping?
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Why does “drop shipped” sound so funny to me?
I wonder. Does his maid retrieve them from the trash to recycle for her man? Or does she secretly have them stored in boxes and boxes. Hmmm boxes and boxes of boxers! Ha. Has anyone checked Ebay? 365 pr. of undies in a year. That’s quite a (ahem) pile!
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The “you shall not pass” panties! *crying laughing*
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LOLOLOL. I tell you, Jess, when I got to the LOTR Etsy Undies shop, it was pandemonium in my kitchen. The Hubs came in to see why I was laughing so hard.
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Okay- DYING. I’m not sure where to start. First of all, I prefer my Legolas and Will Turner fantasies to be “commando” – IYKWIM. Love the You Shall Not Pass undies, and it would be really cool if he had heat sensitive undies that lit up with Elvish script when he was all hot to trot. Let me know if he contacts you after this post. Feel free to give him my contact information as an Undie Counselor. Wink wink!
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“..heat sensitive undies that lit up with Elvish script when he was all hot to trot.” <– BRILLIANCE! Sheer brilliance.
I have a friend who is working up a demo for Piper Payard's "Patriot Panties." I think she might need to expand her pipeline to "heat-seeking elvish undies" (with Pantystructions of course).
P.S. My feverish brain will be contemplating this for DAYS.
Post with Patriot Panties:
Post with Pantystructions:
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Please tell me they are running for office again for 2016. I would seriously vote for them- Patriot Panties and all. And volunteer my mother for the Silver Hair League thingy. She would fall in the “ass kicking” category, and I wouldn’t mind if she kicked someone else’s ass for a while.
A thought on Patriot Panties: Maybe you could get Donald Trump to model the cock sock version? I bet he would do it. Unless he has a small trunk. Oh but wait- he’s now a politician and lying is all part of the game so he could just order a large and stuff it with tissue. Which brings about another question: If “soft and warm and sexy” knitted men’s panties become popular, how many disappointed women will we have at bar closing time? Cuz ya know the guys are all going to order a triple x.
Ok gotta go sell office furniture now (what a let down after this). Does this reply count towards my Nano word count?
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I think this comment should ABSOLUTELY count toward your NaNo word count…cuz it’s awesome. I’ll send Piper over to do some campaigning in the comments. 🙂
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Hi, Sue. As a matter of fact, I AM running for office again. Just announced it a couple weeks ago. 🙂
We give complimentary Patriot Panties to everyone who signs up for the Silver Hair League. If you wear them, their patriotic aura is guaranteed to increase sales of your Ethan Allan furniture by 300%.
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Ah, if only I had Ethan Allen furniture. But maybe the aura will extend to Costco deals of the day and exotic rummage sale finds.
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Undie therapist! There’s your fall-back occupation, Jenny! I think you may be onto something. Perhaps you should give Orlando a ring and offer private sessions. IYKWIM
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Oh my Precious! I volunteer to assist in therapy sessions. One on one, of course.
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It’s good to have career options, don’t you think? And how fun would it be if Orlando called us and gave us the inside scoop on his undies (IYKWIM)?
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Well, that’s just weird. I like “You Shall Not Pass!”
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Me too! I might need a pair of those…
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Must be nice to be a rich weirdo who can afford these kinds of obsessions. Most normal dudes wear underwear until it basically disintegrates!
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Disintegrates? Really?? I learn the darnedest things. I freaking love blogging. 🙂
Hopefully you get a new pair for your Cupid run. Maybe you want to put that on your Christmas list, hmmm?
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What a terrible waste of undies, not to mention, money!!
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