An Open Letter to Playboy Magazine

Dear Playboy Magazine,

For years your brown paper packaging, in the mail or behind the counter at the mini-marts, spoke of entertaining secrets. You starred in fantasies for men, both old and young, for more than 60 years. How could you not succeed when your inaugural issue featured the effervescent Marilyn Monroe and a now-famous story by Ray Bradbury?

Alas, along came the internet to beat your time and steal your marketshare…

With its plethora of free porn and never-ending nudity, the World Wide Web has decreased your circulation from more than 5 million to 800 thousand. You went from being the #1 stocking stuffer to fighting with Penthouse for shelf space. I get it, Playboy, I really do.

Since you’ve announced that Playboy is a nudie mag no more after March, it’s time for a new gimmick. Now people really are reading it for its articles.

Many have suggested alternating clothing types on your now-covered models, but you’ve already tried that. You’ve already tried a decade of lingerie issues, hoodies (perhaps a nice “Sweater Issue” this winter?) and a shoe store. Obviously, none of these have saved your magazine.

[p.s. Did you know your Biker Babes issue is selling on Amazon for $3.75 + shipping?]

Over wine with my man, we brainstormed possible “issues of interest” that might speak to various sectors of the American public.

Perhaps the tin foil series…

Very popular at certain alien watcher conventions. Photo credit – John Allspaw

Or the glad wrap series, the anime series or the environmental series (featuring outfits made from “found objects”). Nothing is more attractive than a beautiful model wearing only RedBull cans and an Oreos wrapper, right?

Further brainstorming revealed a huge untapped source. We think you really need an Undie series. By the end of the evening, we determined you might even want to create undie/wine pairings. (You could totally penetrate the wine market with this, if you know what I mean.)

However, people can be wildly entertained by underpants alone – just ask the readers here at More Cowbell.

Photo source – Etsy

You could feature swashbuckling book reviews and all manner of knitted naughty bits. Heck, you could partner up with Etsy knitters (see my favorite Lithuanian grandma and the KnittyKitty). You get an endless array of designs and support small business at the same time. It’s a win-win.

Note: Even though Mio Destino’s set of golf-related undergarments was an advertising spoof, I’m sure y’all can get hold of a demo model.

[Dang it, I had plans to surprise my man on the back nine…]

Thank you for your consideration. I really think the Undie Plan could bump that circulation up over a million in no time.

Respectfully yours,
Jenny

What say you, my posse? Do you think Playboy needs to move to themed issues? Throw out some ideas for the editors! Enquiring minds ALWAYS want to know these things here at More Cowbell!

Other Sources:
9 Things You Might Not Have Known About ‘Playboy’
11 Pieces of Ludicrous Lingerie and Unbelievable Underwear
12 Things You Didn’t Know About Playboy
Requiem for a Centerfold
John Allspaw photo – CC License 2.0 – Flickr

Brainstorming assistance came from my darling Hubs, and Piper Bayard of Bayard & Holmes. She’s running for President you know…read about her platform!