An Open Letter to Playboy Magazine

Dear Playboy Magazine,

For years your brown paper packaging, in the mail or behind the counter at the mini-marts, spoke of entertaining secrets. You starred in fantasies for men, both old and young, for more than 60 years. How could you not succeed when your inaugural issue featured the effervescent Marilyn Monroe and a now-famous story by Ray Bradbury?

Alas, along came the internet to beat your time and steal your marketshare…

With its plethora of free porn and never-ending nudity, the World Wide Web has decreased your circulation from more than 5 million to 800 thousand. You went from being the #1 stocking stuffer to fighting with Penthouse for shelf space. I get it, Playboy, I really do.

Since you’ve announced that Playboy is a nudie mag no more after March, it’s time for a new gimmick. Now people really are reading it for its articles.

Many have suggested alternating clothing types on your now-covered models, but you’ve already tried that. You’ve already tried a decade of lingerie issueshoodies (perhaps a nice “Sweater Issue” this winter?) and a shoe store. Obviously, none of these have saved your magazine.

[p.s. Did you know your Biker Babes issue is selling on Amazon for $3.75 + shipping?]

Over wine with my man, we brainstormed possible “issues of interest” that might speak to various sectors of the American public.

Perhaps the tin foil series…

Playboy magazine

Very popular at certain alien watcher conventions. Photo credit – John Allspaw

Or the glad wrap series, the anime series or the environmental series (featuring outfits made from “found objects”). Nothing is more attractive than a beautiful model wearing only RedBull cans and an Oreos wrapper, right?

Further brainstorming revealed a huge untapped source. We think you really need an Undie series. By the end of the evening, we determined you might even want to create undie/wine pairings. (You could totally penetrate the wine market with this, if you know what I mean.)

However, people can be wildly entertained by underpants alone – just ask the readers here at More Cowbell.

Photo source - Etsy

Photo source – Etsy

You could feature swashbuckling book reviews and all manner of knitted naughty bits. Heck, you could partner up with Etsy knitters (see my favorite Lithuanian grandma and the KnittyKitty). You get an endless array of designs and support small business at the same time. It’s a win-win.

Photo credit: KnittyKitty - Etsy

Note: Even though Mio Destino’s set of golf-related undergarments was an advertising spoof, I’m sure y’all can get hold of a demo model.

[Dang it, I had plans to surprise my man on the back nine…]

Mio Destino

Thank you for your consideration. I really think the Undie Plan could bump that circulation up over a million in no time.

Respectfully yours,

What say you, my posse? Do you think Playboy needs to move to themed issues? Throw out some ideas for the editors! Enquiring minds ALWAYS want to know these things here at More Cowbell!

Other Sources:
9 Things You Might Not Have Known About ‘Playboy’
11 Pieces of Ludicrous Lingerie and Unbelievable Underwear
12 Things You Didn’t Know About Playboy
Requiem for a Centerfold
John Allspaw photo – CC License 2.0Flickr

Brainstorming assistance came from my darling Hubs, and Piper Bayard of Bayard & Holmes. She’s running for President you know…read about her platform!

About Jenny Hansen

Avid seeker of "more"...More words, more creativity, More Cowbell! An extrovert who's terribly fond of silliness. Founding blogger at Writers In The Storm ( Write on!
This entry was posted in Humor, Undie Chronicles and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

31 Responses to An Open Letter to Playboy Magazine

  1. Piper Bayard says:

    Ha! Love your take on this.

    My (grown) son was so disappointed to hear about the change. I’m just glad he isn’t such an enthusiast that he knew about it already. What’s this world coming to when a magazine can’t make a buck with simple nudity?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      I understand there’s free porn all over the internet, but I’d think the honest-to-God airbrushed pretty women in Playboy would trump some of that. Ahhhh, well.

      And thank you for the brainstorming. What do you think about the “Feather series?” I’ll bet that would sell mags. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. K.B. Owen says:

    Bwahaha, Jenny! You mean your man won’t have to choose between a 1-wood and a 5-iron if he goes into the rough on the back nine? (And don’t get me started with the wedges and putters, LOL. Who knew golf had so many IYKWIMs?). I think you’d be rockin’ the golf undies, just sayin’….

    If Playboy doesn’t have nudity, they really shouldn’t be calling it Playboy anymore. Maybe “Godly Christian Panties” would be a better title. Then they could get the Sister Myotis seal of approval. *wink*

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Golf is so naughty, isn’t it? I’m a 3 wood and 5 iron gal myself, IYKWIM. 🙂

      I have to say, I’d shudder to see a close-up of Sister Myotis. I do miss the old bird though…I wish he’d start touring again.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Jane Sadek says:

    So, I’m getting a facial today. Imagine what it’s going to be like trying NOT to think of this post!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      I’m SO impressed that you actually get facials! I always think, “I should do that.” And then five more years go by with only moisturizer, water and a washcloth touching my face.


  4. CristineGzr says:

    Ha ha I guess little girls will no more find the hidden stash of magazines that they occasionally did. When my sisters and I found one stash, we were very little and didn’t get it -we spend endless hours discussing why everyone (we hadn’t realized they were only women) had black squares over their eyes and we finally decided they were robots. Although, we thought the robot catalogue would sell more if they gather the people eyes instead of black boxes. We did acknowledge that eyes were as hard to draw as hands but they seemed to get the hands right. It was such a riveting conversation, we brought it up with our favorite answer man, our Grandpa, over Easter dinner.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      I know, I totally remember finding the Playboy stash. (My husband has many fond memories of his dad’s stash!)

      Easter…the time of resurrection – perfect time to bring up “robot women.” I saw a facebook meme the other day on a little kid thinking they should donate clothes to “that poor naked woman.” Kids are so funny. 🙂


  5. CristineGzr says:

    gather was not the word I typed, autocorrect! but I need more coffee to figure out what the word was supposed to be!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Sue says:

    I like the idea of models in “found” objects. We could gather up some single lost roadside shoes and make them into bikinis. Heck, I even have an abandoned roadside hot tub we could use for the photo shoot.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. yvettecarol says:

    I think you’re onto something there, Jenny. Have you contacted Hefner yet? 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  8. So, basically Playboy is now becoming Maxim magazine. Hugh Hefner should just end it already.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      That Maxim thing was my exact first thought, Phil. Playboy is knows for their pretty nude women in tasteful shots. I don’t know where they’ll go from here, but I really do thing they ought to give this series thing a try. 🙂


  9. John Holton says:

    Just thought I’d interject: I went to school with Hef’s son, and the sister of one of the higher-ups was in our wedding. It’s a Chicago thing…

    I like the idea of the knitted undies. I bet Mary could make a fortune…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Holy wow, John! I thought the Hef was an entirely California thing. Shows you what I know.

      If your Mary starts knitting underpants, I will be delighted to blog about them. 🙂


      • John Holton says:

        Playboy started in Chicago and was based there until just recently. He had two kids, Christie and Dave, by his first marriage. Dave graduated with me, and Hef was at graduation. Christie was a couple of years ahead of us.

        Liked by 1 person

  10. Oh, poor Playboy. I guess poor old Hugh Hefner is just a step away from the poor house, huh?

    I do think your ideas would garner some interest. At least the posse would subscribe (maybe). I mean who doesn’t like knitted under garments?

    Thanks for sharing your ideas.

    Patricia Rickrode
    w/a Jansen Schmidt

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Honestly if they really wanted people to read it for the articles they could offer more stories/writing pieces. Hell even do prompted series based on their “photography”. It could really spark some interest from the indie writing crowd. I’d buy 100 copies if my story got in.


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