Hubby’s Jewels Threatened by Doctor With Tuna…

TUNA

Bluefin Tuna photo from Pixabay

I swear to God, that’s the headline at our house this week. (And yes, I’ll explain.) The last time we talked this much about the Hubby’s junk was October of 2011 when the Thunderwear discussion erupted.

For those of you who missed the Thunderwear talk, and are too sleepy to click that link, it went like this:

On a long-ago October Monday (in Volume 2 of the Undie Chronicles) I mentioned the Thunderwear my honey was lusting after. Some of the More Cowbell posse had me in stitches because they thought Thunderwear referenced those bottom-of-the-drawer undies that have seen better days.

*clutching sides giggling all over again*

Thunderwear is actually a concealed carry gun holster that fits over the top of a dude’s “junk.” Swear.

When I was writing Volume 2, I asked my guy what kind of underwear would get him excited, he answered “Thunderwear.”

[Of course I had to look it up to figure out what he was talking about.]

Imagine this INSIDE the pants, shorts, etc. Does this look cozy to you?

Do you see that gun aiming right at this man’s family jewels.

When I mentioned that to my husband, he said, “You know, technically we’re done having kids so they can’t be called ‘the family jewels’ anymore.”

Me: Okay fine, we’ll just call them “MY jewels,” and agree that I’d like to keep you from shooting them OFF.

Hubby: You don’t actually aim at your junk. You position the gun at 11 o’clock. (This is accompanied by him pointing, showing me that his belt buckle is at 6 o’clock and his jewels were at high noon.) If in doubt, be sure to reference the photo.

Me: Oh, so you can accidentally shoot yourself in the femoral artery and die in 10 minutes? Yeah, I’m really embracing this Thunderwear idea.

Hubby: I’ve never heard of anyone shooting their rocks off, but it does give a whole new meaning to “blow job,” doesn’t it?

Me: *cracking up* Good one, Honey. You are sooooo bloggable.

[In case, you’d like to see Thunderwear in action, I’ve included a video. This guy kills me because he is SO SERIOUS. Plus he says, “If you know what I mean” in the perfect spot.]

Anyway, that’s the last time we had any major discussions about my man’s junk. But this Wednesday, he’s having an outpatient surgery called “the TUNA” where they get all loosey-goosey with some needles up his junk.

[And yes, I obtained permission before writing this post.]

The Mayo Clinic describes the procedure like this:

During TUNA, a specially adapted visual instrument (cystoscope) is inserted through your urethra. Using the cystoscope, your doctor guides a pair of tiny needles into the prostate tissue that is pressing on the urethra. Then radio waves are passed through the needles to create scar tissue.

Doesn’t that sound so pretty? Like he’s going to have kicky show tunes floating out of his crotch or something?

Um, no. No, that’s not the way it goes down (or I guess I should say up) at all.

They use those needles to burn up the prostate and make it contract, and then they make him wear a catheter for several days “in case of swelling.”

Insert Jenny Thought Bubble:
They’re basically gonna light part of my dude’s jewels on fire, and they think there MIGHT be swelling? I think the guys who write the copy for these sites are smoking crack.

Needless to say, I’ve had TONS of questions for the doctors, and the discussion of my guy’s junk has been copious this week, if you know what I mean.

Do you know anything I should know about the TUNA? Please give us some great jokes for this procedure – we need some new material. What’s on your mind this week (besides my guy’s junk)? Enquiring minds love to know these things here at More Cowbell!

~ Jenny

About Jenny Hansen

Avid seeker of "more"...More words, more creativity, More Cowbell! An extrovert who's terribly fond of silliness. Founding blogger at Writers In The Storm (http://writersinthestormblog.com). Write on!
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39 Responses to Hubby’s Jewels Threatened by Doctor With Tuna…

  1. K.B. Owen says:

    Wow, Jenny! Poor hubs. So sorry he’s undergoing such a procedure. Hope it resolves whatever the issue is.

    Of course, humor is a great way to deal with that kind of thing (and it sounds like your guy has “copious” amounts of that) – how about making a playlist for him to listen to during the procedure? You can get ideas from your More Cowbell posse. My suggestion: GREAT BALLS OF FIRE. I know, I crack myself up.

    Here’s another way to get the posse involved: run an ALTERNATIVE acronym contest! TUNA is kind of weird, though I’m sure it stands for super-techno medical stuff. I’ll be first: B.L.O.W. (Burnin’ Low On Willy).

    I’m sure the posse can come up with better ones…I haven’t had my caffeine yet!

    Good luck, hubby!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Hubby DOES understand that normal scheme of things is to get some procedure done to CURE burning in your urethra, NOT to cause it!😉 (Sorry, it’s Pre-Tuesday morning, I haven’t fired up my game yet.)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Julie Glover says:

    Catheter. Yikes! No instrument of torture has ever been invented that rivals a urethra catheter, and I hear it’s particularly bad for men. I will be praying…

    Liked by 1 person

  4. When I read “radio waves” in Mayo’s description, my thoughts leapt to whether I could stream it on Girl Boner.😀

    Wishing your guy and his junk the best!! If he’s nervous at all, imagining everyone in the room naked could get mighty interesting…

    Liked by 2 people

  5. CristineGzr says:

    O.M.G. I almost hyperventilated reading this. Praying for the best.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Things could always be worse, Cristine. He could have actual cancer, which he does not, or he could be in serious pain. He’s just got a really deep ache and has to pee more often, but it needs to get fixed.

      Although…NEEDLES. Yikes! <– What Jenny's brain keeps picturing.

      Like

  6. Jenny Hansen says:

    Surgery and Recovery Playlist so far:

    1. GREAT BALLS OF FIRE (Jerry Lee Lewis)
    2. HUNKA HUNKA BURNING LOVE (Elvis)
    3. SWING LOW, SWEET CHARIOT (Gospel)
    4. BIG BALLS (AC/DC)
    5. WRECKING BALL (Mylie Cyrus)
    6. CRYSTAL BALL (Pink)
    7. BALLS TO THE WALL (Accept)

    What else do y’all have?

    Liked by 2 people

  7. CristineGzr says:

    Um I almost posted this on Cowbells but sanity took hold. Then Jenny told me to post it. I used to work at a hospital in Boston and I went to all the Grand Rounds talks. I don’t remember much now but during one talk a Doctor was trying to get approval for a procedure that involved inserting a very large chrome-tipped dildo-shaped object into the rectum, (think curling iron) the metal tip would heat up to a searing temp and basically do the same thing as TUNA without needles. I’m not sure anyone actually heard the entire talk -there was a lot of male squirming. I’m hoping the uretha needles seem saner…

    Liked by 2 people

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Good for you, brave girl!!

      I remember when I was about to have my daughter and they started checking dilation, which they do by trying to shove their fingers through your cervix. I came up off the table and was like, “Seventy years of obstetrics and THIS is what you’ve got?”

      I can’t believe they can do surgery with arthoscopic cameras and they can’t check dilation without making you feel like they’re trying to yank out your larynx. Ditto on the hot iron in your behind.

      Like

  8. Now see, everyone else went with the obvious “balls,” jokes, but not me. Nope I’m going for the tuna joke. If they performed this procedure on a cruise ship or on some other floating device in the ocean, that could make all patients, chickens of the sea. What’s the best tuna? Well, you get it.

    “Come on Baby, light my fire,” may also be appropriate but I’m thinking hubby may not want to sing that one more than once.

    The things I learn here at More Cowbell.

    Patricia Rickrode
    w/a Jansen Schmidt

    Liked by 2 people

  9. amyskennedy says:

    Holy BBQ-ed urethra Batman! I don’t even know what to really say. Good luck? Definitely. I think the funnier you can make this the better. Laughter heals everything!

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Poor hubby! My DH was in critical condition from a motorcycle wreck and as they are wheeling him into emergency surgery – doctors on both sides of the gurney, me, rushing along side clutching his hand – hubby looks at me and says quite clearly: “Remind me to never again sign a medical permission form for a catheter.” Whoa!! He is in critical condition and is concerned about the catheter in his junk. Men! LOL All will be well sweet Jenny.🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Yep, I’m quite nervous about the catheter. Him? He’s taking it all in stride. Thanks, Debbie. Y’all totally cheered him up with these comments.🙂

      Like

  11. All the best to your man! He got TUNA’d up, after all . . . And the THUNDERWEAR(!) was the perfect accompaniment. Brava🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  12. Kelly Byrne says:

    So sorry to hear he’s gonna be TUNA’d, but I’m sure all will go well with the junk. Here are a few possible additions to the Recovery Playlist:

    ‘The Fire Down Below’ – Bob Seger
    ‘I’m On Fire’ – The Boss
    ‘Burnin’ for You’ – Blue Oyster Cult

    aaaaaaaaaannnnnddddd…

    ‘Sex On Fire’ – Kings of Leon

    G’luck and may the heat dissipate swiftly.🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  13. karenmcfarland says:

    I seemed to have missed all the fun. Y’all get rolling around here early. Even without coffee. I am impressed! Jenny, you know of all people, my hubby truly sympathizes with the discomfort from this procedure. Bless your hubby’s heart. He’s too young for this to be happening. Please give him our best and that he’ll be in our thoughts and prayers on Wednesday. ((Hugs))

    Liked by 2 people

  14. Jenny Hansen says:

    The Surgery and Recovery Playlist is rockin’:

    1. GREAT BALLS OF FIRE (Jerry Lee Lewis)
    2. HUNKA HUNKA BURNING LOVE (Elvis)
    3. SWING LOW, SWEET CHARIOT (Gospel)
    4. BIG BALLS (AC/DC)
    5. WRECKING BALL (Mylie Cyrus)
    6. BALLS TO THE WALL (Accept)
    7. MY DING-A-LING (Chuck Berry)
    8. THE FIRE DOWN BELOW (Bob Seger)
    9. I’M ON FIRE (Springstein)
    10. BURNIN’ FOR YOU (Blue Oyster Cult)
    11. SEX ON FIRE (Kings of Leon)
    12. GOT MY MOJO WORKING (Muddy Waters)
    13. DETACHABLE PENIS (King Missile)
    14. MY BIG 10 INCH (Aerosmith)
    15. DEAR PENIS (Rodney Carrington)

    Anyone have some more to add to make this a nice round number. I’m gonna download them tonight and see if the doctors will play it.🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  15. I am feeling pain in my nether regions just reading this. Hope all went well and that there are fireworks for you and hubby today!😉

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Sue says:

    Getting a catheter and having burning needles inserted up your junk wins hands down over my colonoscopy story. Yikes! For once, being a female sucks less than being a male in the medical department. Hope all goes well and you don’t need that entire playlist. On a side note- I’m quite surprised there aren’t more penis related songs given men’s overall preoccupation with that appendage.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Jess Witkins says:

    ERMAGERD! Poor hubby! We have a strange way of fixing things. They do similar work for sterilization. That’s basically using spring coils to scar up body tissue so sperm or an egg can’t get through. Crazy!

    Like

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