My pal, Jess Witkins, is here just in time for Christmas with the stocking stuffer you won’t (okay might) want to miss. We gave ourselves fits over this on Facebook a few weeks back and I asked Jess if she would post on it.
We bring you…SCROGUARD. Yes, really.
I’ll give y’all a moment to recover from that photo. Heeeeeere’s Jess!
It’s called Scroguard, and it’s here to protect the ones you love! Only $19.99 + Shipping and Handling.
The makers of Scroguard sought to create a solution to the rising concern of Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs). [Okay, I’m concerned. But I can still laugh.] Most STDs are passed from one partner to another by skin to skin contact.
While using birth control methods, such as a condom, will prevent pregnancy and some forms of STDs, it does not protect against common infections like Human Papillomavirus (HPV), which can lead to cervical cancer. Scroguard is also meant to protect against herpes, crabs, and syphilis.
How it Works:
Scroguard is essentially a baby diaper latex speedo for men. Made of the same kind of latex material as condoms, Scroguard offers more coverage and protection from the transmission of bodily fluids. And, it’s washable!
WINNING!!!
[Jenny here: Wait till you watch the infomercial! I about lost it when they started washing this thing in the sink. That $20 can obviously go a LONG way.]
Scroguard is shipped discreetly to your home and stored in a package that is easy to slip into one’s pocket. Or, if you’d prefer, Scroguard can be worn for several hours prior to sexy time so you can avoid “awkward interruptions” between you and your lover. Won’t she (or he) be surprised when you unbutton your pants and show off your massive…protection?
The latex belt simply snaps around your waist. Next, add the condom and tuck its base into the opening of the Scroguard. Now you are clear for takeoff! I mean…ready for blast off! I mean…you know what I mean.
And if you’re still unsure, check out their innovative infomercial.
[Is anyone else dying over the rhymes? “Not available in stores. Call now, so you “get yours.” BAHAHAHAHA!]
Scroguard currently has zero competitors (Noooo. Really?), which means they are the leaders in genital latex coverage.
* * * * * *
Their Frequently Asked Questions cover all your need-to-know basics. For example:
Who is Scroguard for?
Scroguard™ is perfect for:
- Men with a high sex drive who enjoy sexual variety.
- Couples and individuals who love to swing.
- Casual sex partners and committed couples who want peace of mind.
Couldn’t I just use Saran Wrap around my privates?
[That’s] not very sexy and it’s time consuming.
Couldn’t I just avoid sex?
[That is] no fun.
My Scroguard™ arrived a bit sticky. Is this normal?
Yes. Scroguard is made of natural rubber latex. This is perfectly normal, and it is still OK to use.
* * * * * *
For the ultimate stocking stuffer this season…
get your loved ones Scroguard —
the sexiest STD prevention
for your partner’s erection!
[Jenny: *clutching sides laughing, sputtering in a heap on the floor*]
Wowza. Thank you, Jess! You took an important subject and turned it on it’s head. Um…
I don’t even know what question to ask first. Have y’all ever seen one of these things? What would you think if you encountered one of these “at ground zero,” if you know what I mean. Would you consider all that extra protection thoughtful or creepy? Enquiring minds LOVE to know these things here at More Cowbell!
~ Jenny
About Jess
Jess Witkins claims the title Perseverance Expert. From party crashing as an Oops Baby to paving her way through pop culture, Jess explores it all.
Her special skills include: pretending to be an orphan, severe allergic reactions to the sun, having an I-Tunes collection full of 90’s hits, and quoting movie lines from the Oscar winning film, Spaceballs.
…What do you mean Spaceballs never won an Oscar? You’re joking!…
…You’re not joking?…
…I need to think about this…
…Despite your, and apparently the Academy’s, lack of appreciation for Spaceballs, I’ve decided we can still be friends…
Hang out with Jess at her blog, on Twitter or at Instagram. Prepare to laugh.
Jenny Hansen's Blog 
OMG – you two are nuts and I love it. The two of you together this early on a Monday morning should come with a warning label! All signs of grogginess have disappeared.
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LOL. She speaks the truth, Jenny. We are a lot to handle on an early monday morning. Consider this your complimentary wake up call, Jane!
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Us? Too much? Never!! p.s. I’m still dying about the baby powder down below, IYKWIM…
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If I were faced, um, well, faced with that, I’d find a really good reason to leave, like washing my hair or reading a book.
Not only is that the least sexy thing I’ve seen in, oh, decades, but as much as HPV is serious, I’d really wonder about a guy who would wear that for more than the necessary time, iykwim.
Finally, I have a sensitivity to latex, so I’d be faced with really nasty consequences. I’m not unusual, which is why most medical gloves are no longer latex. Obviously, this inventor was clueless about more than sexy wear.
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I thought of that too, Elizabeth. Latex allergies are more common than we think. Alternatives do need to be presented.
And yah…I’d question the guy wearing this for hours too.
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If there are latex allergies, maybe tin foil would be a snazzy replacement?? 😉
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Hmm, festive, that’s for sure. Then all you have to worry about catching is sexually transmitted tinsel.
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Ewww…I’m sure somewhere that’s been tried, but I’d rather not know.
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Why do you think I’m laughing, Elizabeth? The idea of a man putting that on and wearing it through dinner with me, in hopes of testing his Big Bang Theory? Um, no.
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Jenny, the idea just makes me itch, among other things (like laugh hysterically at the day jobbe)
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It’s always important to laugh at the day job!
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Obviously for the protection of your ballcock.Wouldn’t you sweat badly in oneof those, from embarrassment I’d think.
xxx Massive Hugs xxx
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And it would not be a nice sweat
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In the FAQ’s, they suggest baby powder. 😉
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O.M.G!!!! Thanks for the morning laugh! Good thing no one is home and I could watch the commercial without concern. 🙂 What about the ladies? Don’t we deserve protection?
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Well, the female condom is kind of like this, but not a full on belt. It essentially does the same thing though. They aren’t common in the U.S. though. They are like hotcakes in Africa!
Ah, the things I learn at work…
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Really? The female condom is popular in Africa? That’s wonderful news.
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Now you have me thinking about hotcake condoms. Hmm…
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I kept hearing Jeff Foxworthy’s voice “If you need to wear a diaper thong to protect yourself you just might be hanging with the wrong crowd”
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Exactly, Mona. EXACTLY!!!
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Pingback: The Stocking Stuffer You Won’t Want to Miss (IYKWIM) | Jess Witkins' Happiness Project
I had to turn down the volume on the video because I just knew one of the kids would come running in while I was watching. 🙂 What a hoot!! Never, in a million, bazillion years, can I imagine my man wearing this, but hey, there’s a lid for every pot, like my grandma used to say. Only, I doubt she had Scroguard in mind when she said that…
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There’s a lid for every pot! OMG, Deanne, I’m cracking up. Good thing you turned down the volume or you’d have to say more than that to explain this to your kids. LOL
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A lid for every pot…THAT IS AWESOME. I’ll be laughing about that all day long.
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Well, rather safe than sorry! 😉
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For sure!
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I thought I had seen it all. Including full body condoms and now this? I think I need to bleach my eyeballs now. No way is hell would I wear that!
Jenny – I think you need to have your guy wear one during whoopie-time with you to test it out. Blog a review. With pictures of course!
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You’d be amazed at the kinds of products coming out of STD and sex research. Condoms that shrink to your penis size, electric condoms… you name it – it’s out there!
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I think Jenny and her guy need to test them all and include schematics, pie charts, videos, etc in her next post.
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What will they think of next??
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I’m sure it’ll be equally shocking.
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OMG I love it!!! ROLF!! The infomercial with that music and movie-guy voice over. Squeeee…
I am getting hubby one just for shits and giggles!!! LOL!!!
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You are out of control, girlie!! I guess you will be the one to answer Phil’s challenge then. We’ll expect a FULL report on the Scroguard. 🙂
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That is awesome Natalie! Do share details! Live tweet the gift opening perhaps?
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No. No. No. And ….. No.
Jenny, I thought the saying was “put that on your plastic?” Not “put that plastic on your …”
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Hahahaha! Whatever floats your boat! IYKWIM…
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Wow…that TOTALLY turns me on. NOT!
While watching the video, two thoughts came to mind. First, wouldn’t it make more sense to put the condom on first rather than tucking it in the opening? And two, if that sucker was sold in stores, can you imagine asking a clerk where to find it? 😀 😀 😀
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I can only imagine Kristy…and I am imagining! It’s hilarious!
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Saran Wrap. *Snort* Waiting for my son to leave the room so I can watch the video link in private. 🙂
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Wise decision. Enjoy, and put any beverages down before viewing.
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I had to come out of “blog-tirement” just to comment on the ScroGuard!
First off, I’m glad they come in “big boy” sizes – the jocks shouldn’t be the only ones to enjoy sporting this sextactular under garment.
Secondly, I ask how does one wear this without totally offending the “obviously disease ridden whore” you are about to mount?
Thirdly, I’m not 100% sure but I can pretty much guarantee that if my “lady friend” rips off my pants in a fit of passion and unveils a plastic diaper with a waggling willy hanging out the front, that I’m most likely in for some shock and awe/horror or hysterical laughter but I’m most likely not going to be “in” for the previously pending loving!
What’s next, body wrap? Face-glove? Or the ever impending “mutual masturbation” divided only by a hanging sheet of 0.5mm clear polyurethane?
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And OHMYGOD, we miss you! There is too much fabulousness here to even comprehend. You had me at “sextacular under garment” but I doubled over at the “obviously disease ridden whore.”
After that, I was pretty much incoherent with laughter. Thanks for the best laugh of my day, Mr. August. You haven’t lost your bloggy touch. 🙂
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Thanks for stopping by to share! Jenny’s right, there’s a lot of greatness here! And I totally get where you’re coming from about “how in the world do we make this sexy?” It can be a very awkward and vulnerable conversation to have. So it’s my job and the job of my coworkers to educate, educate, educate about healthy communication, consent, and sexual health. There are a lot of stereotypes that people with STDs are sluts or players, but they are more common than we think. Many STDs don’t show any symptoms – especially in women – so they are spread without knowing it and can be detrimental to fertility in future if left untreated.
I know I poked a lot of fun at Scroguard – because yah…it’s still awkward and silly – but its intent is spot on in terms of ways to protect yourself. So, until we get to a place where people start screening themselves more regularly for STDs, it’s not the worst idea to share with your sexual partner.
Thanks again for all the laughs! Get to work on creating that body wrap now – I bet there’s all sorts of medical purposes for it! 😉
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Oh Jess, and NOW I’ve seen everything! 😉
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I don’t know about that, Nina. I keep getting surprised at how much more there is. 🙂
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Oh I’m sure I could find even more outrageous things if I really tried. Just you wait!
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