My pal, Jess Witkins, is here just in time for Christmas with the stocking stuffer you won’t (okay might) want to miss. We gave ourselves fits over this on Facebook a few weeks back and I asked Jess if she would post on it.
We bring you…SCROGUARD. Yes, really.
I’ll give y’all a moment to recover from that photo. Heeeeeere’s Jess!
The makers of Scroguard sought to create a solution to the rising concern of Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs). [Okay, I’m concerned. But I can still laugh.] Most STDs are passed from one partner to another by skin to skin contact.
While using birth control methods, such as a condom, will prevent pregnancy and some forms of STDs, it does not protect against common infections like Human Papillomavirus (HPV), which can lead to cervical cancer. Scroguard is also meant to protect against herpes, crabs, and syphilis.
How it Works:
Scroguard is essentially a
baby diaper latex speedo for men. Made of the same kind of latex material as condoms, Scroguard offers more coverage and protection from the transmission of bodily fluids. And, it’s washable!
[Jenny here: Wait till you watch the infomercial! I about lost it when they started washing this thing in the sink. That $20 can obviously go a LONG way.]
Scroguard is shipped discreetly to your home and stored in a package that is easy to slip into one’s pocket. Or, if you’d prefer, Scroguard can be worn for several hours prior to sexy time so you can avoid “awkward interruptions” between you and your lover. Won’t she (or he) be surprised when you unbutton your pants and show off your massive…protection?
The latex belt simply snaps around your waist. Next, add the condom and tuck its base into the opening of the Scroguard. Now you are clear for takeoff! I mean…ready for blast off! I mean…you know what I mean.
And if you’re still unsure, check out their innovative infomercial.
[Is anyone else dying over the rhymes? “Not available in stores. Call now, so you “get yours.” BAHAHAHAHA!]
Scroguard currently has zero competitors (Noooo. Really?), which means they are the leaders in genital latex coverage.
* * * * * *
Their Frequently Asked Questions cover all your need-to-know basics. For example:
Who is Scroguard for?
Scroguard™ is perfect for:
- Men with a high sex drive who enjoy sexual variety.
- Couples and individuals who love to swing.
- Casual sex partners and committed couples who want peace of mind.
Couldn’t I just use Saran Wrap around my privates?
[That’s] not very sexy and it’s time consuming.
Couldn’t I just avoid sex?
[That is] no fun.
My Scroguard™ arrived a bit sticky. Is this normal?
Yes. Scroguard is made of natural rubber latex. This is perfectly normal, and it is still OK to use.
* * * * * *
For the ultimate stocking stuffer this season…
get your loved ones Scroguard —
the sexiest STD prevention
for your partner’s erection!
[Jenny: *clutching sides laughing, sputtering in a heap on the floor*]
Wowza. Thank you, Jess! You took an important subject and turned it on it’s head. Um…
I don’t even know what question to ask first. Have y’all ever seen one of these things? What would you think if you encountered one of these “at ground zero,” if you know what I mean. Would you consider all that extra protection thoughtful or creepy? Enquiring minds LOVE to know these things here at More Cowbell!
Jess Witkins claims the title Perseverance Expert. From party crashing as an Oops Baby to paving her way through pop culture, Jess explores it all.
Her special skills include: pretending to be an orphan, severe allergic reactions to the sun, having an I-Tunes collection full of 90’s hits, and quoting movie lines from the Oscar winning film, Spaceballs.
…What do you mean Spaceballs never won an Oscar? You’re joking!…
…You’re not joking?…
…I need to think about this…
…Despite your, and apparently the Academy’s, lack of appreciation for Spaceballs, I’ve decided we can still be friends…