Avoiding Frozen Bitch Face — What You Need To Know

Imagine having this conversation while climbing up a mountain in Colorado. I laughed so hard, I almost fell off the path.

Wishing you a day full of laughter, and a visit from one of the fairies mentioned below… ~Jenny

Frozen Bitch Face
By Piper Bayard

Everyone’s face freezes at forty-five.

Seriously. At forty-five, give or take a year or two, Frosty the Face Freezer breathes on us at an unpredictable instant, and the expression we are wearing on our face at that moment is frozen there. Forever.

This is great for people who laugh and smile on a regular basis no matter how Life has tried to eat them alive. Frosty catches them mid-mirth and leaves them with Frozen Happy Face. They are blessed with a reputation for kindness and wisdom throughout their old age. They get to be the Cool Old Farts that everyone goes to for advice and humor and fights to sit next to at the Thanksgiving table.

I can hear your question now. What happens if Frosty comes in to freeze my face when I’m frowning?

I’m sorry to be the one to break it to you, but that will result in the dreaded . . .

Frozen Bitch Face.

Frozen Bitch Face is that grumpy look that some people have etched on their faces in the form of permanent frowns and/or butt-shaped wrinkles between their eyebrows.

Note the ass between his brows. You see it, don't you? Image from CanstockPhoto.

Note the ass between his brows.
You see it, don’t you?
Image from CanstockPhoto.

You’ve seen Frosty’s victims.

The Grumpy Old Farts who glare from their porches at children playing ball. The aging women in the grocery stores who pick up each perfect apple and frown before complaining to the produce stockers. And—ugh!—the people on Facebook who can’t stop beating us around the head and shoulders with bad news and warnings about everything from political conspiracies to the zombie apocalypse.

I hear your next question, too. We all have bad days. What if I’m having a random bad day when Frosty comes?

Fear not! There are mitigating factors to minimize bad days and their long term effects on our faces.

The Effit Fairy

The first mitigating factor is called the Effit Fairy. The Effit Fairy can be Peter Pan or a seven-year-old girl with wings, whichever you choose, or both. I won’t judge.

My Effit Fairy Image from CanstockPhoto.

My Effit Fairy
Image from CanstockPhoto.

She visits on our fortieth birthday—well ahead of Frosty’s ambush—to remind us that life is short, and no one else is living it for us. She reawakens the child inside each of us who is too young to give a damn what other people think. She enlightens us to the fact that yoga pants in public are actually a classy fashion statement.

Best of all, the Effit Fairy encourages us to stop giving a crap if other people are “disappointed” in us. Instead, she teaches us to say EFFIT! Because no one else is paying our mortgage, or dealing with our boss, or feeling the pain of that ski injury on our behalf.

Listening to your Effit Fairy is the first and most important thing you can do to avoid Frozen Bitch Face.

Other things that mitigate your chance of having Frozen Bitch Face:

  1. Seek out laughter. Every time you laugh, you increase your chances that Frosty will freeze you with Happy Face.
  2. Find something to like about the people you don’t like, even if it’s only liking the fact that they live in another state.
  3. If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all—also known as the Thumper Rule, since the rabbit in Bambi said it first. If Frosty catches you when you’re bitching about people, you will definitely get stuck with Frozen Bitch Face.
  4. Take time for romance. Let’s face it, people who enjoy the hunka-hunka as often as possible are far more likely to be smiling and relaxed when they get frozen.
  5. Find something to be grateful for every day. A grateful heart is a happy heart, and a happy heart makes for eventual Frozen Happy Face.

But what if I’m not approaching forty?

Easy. It’s never too early to practice. Trust me. You’ll need the practice. This positive outlook crap gets harder once arthritis sets in.

She got stuck. Image from CanstockPhoto.

She got stuck.
Image from CanstockPhoto.

But what if I’m over forty, and I’m already stuck with Frozen Bitch Face?

Take heart. All is not lost. Another Fairy comes to visit at fifty. She’s the Effoff Fairy. She makes it easy for you to tell anyone who doesn’t like your Frozen Bitch Face to Effoff, and that will make you smile. 🙂

A little something else to make you smile . . .


I will give away a copy of my dystopian thriller, FIRELANDS, to a smiling commenter here at More Cowbell. To determine the winner, I will put the names of everyone who comments below in a hat and have my daughter draw one out at random on Friday, October 24, at 9:00 p.m. Mountain Time.

I also write spy thrillers with an amazing partner, Jay Holmes, who is a forty-year veteran covert operative and a senior member of the intelligence community. Our debut novella, THE SPY BRIDE, is in the Bestsellers’ Collection RISKY BRIDES, where we join USA Today Bestsellers Vicki Hinze, Rita Herron, Donna Fletcher, Peggy Webb, and Kathy Carmichael, and veteran authors Kimberly Llewellyn and Tara Randel to share our unique take on what it means to be a risky bride. 8 novels and novellas—8 genres—8 RISKY BRIDES. And only $.99! 

The Spy Bride Risky Brides Boxed Set final Cover

RISKY BRIDES is available for pre-order at Amazon, the iBookstore, and Kobo, and it will be released tomorrow, October 21, at all of these venues and Barnes & Noble.

Sign up for the Bayard & Holmes Newsletter to enter a special SPY BRIDE contest for a chance to win a Secret Decoder Ring, a stash of Ghirardelli chocolate, or a bottle of Mumm Napa sparkling wine. Your email will be sacred to us, as in, Holmes and I won’t share it with anyone. Not even each other.

So what are you doing to prevent or mitigate Frozen Bitch Face? Have you learned to say Effit yet, or are you already to the Effoff stage? I’d love to hear about your journey.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

PiperBayard1Piper Bayard is an author and a recovering attorney with a college degree or two. She writes spy thrillers with Jay Holmes, a forty-year veteran covert operative and a current senior member of the intelligence community. Piper is the public face of their partnership.

You can contact Bayard & Holmes in comments below, at their site, Bayard & Holmes, on Twitter at @piperbayard, on Facebook at Bayard & Holmes, or at their email, BH@BayardandHolmes.com.

About Jenny Hansen

Avid seeker of "more"...More words, more creativity, More Cowbell! An extrovert who's terribly fond of silliness. Founding blogger at Writers In The Storm (http://writersinthestormblog.com). Write on!
This entry was posted in Humor, More Cowbell and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

51 Responses to Avoiding Frozen Bitch Face — What You Need To Know

  1. Simone says:

    Piper & Jenny, I love the idea off the Effoff Fairy. I may not be 50 yet, but I’m looking forward to meeting that fairy! But in the mean time, I’m going to use the Effit Fairy as much as I can! Brilliant!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I’m commenting because…

    Yes. That’s a complete thought.

    It’s all I’ve got at 6 dark thirty on Monday morning.

    No! Wait! I own and have read FIRELANDS. Whoever wins that is in for a helluva good read. [Pauses to search memory bank for whether or not I posted my review.] ERK! I have butt brow now. No worries! It’s never to late…

    L.O.V.E. the effit. It’s less time-consuming than the one I’ve used over the years: The FIF. An acronym takes some ‘splainin’. [EFF it Factor] The upside to the FIF is that I can say, “I plead the FIF.” Those around me won’t know whether I have a lisp or had three drinks at lunch. Or, both.

    I’ll use the linky-love to pre-order my very own copy of Risky Bride, Piper. Congrats!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. K.B. Owen says:

    I remember how liberating it was when the Effit Fairy came to visit me. Actually, it wasn’t just a visit…she has her own room now. 😉 Thanks, Piper, for the entertaining PSA! The fewer Frozen Bitch Faces out in the world, the better.

    BTW, I want to tell all of you guys that both Firelands and “The Spy Bride” (the Bayard-Holmes contribution to the Risky Brides anthology) seriously ROCK! Looking forward to getting the anthology and reading the rest. And 99 cents…what a deal! I’m sure the collection will be climbing the charts in record time. 😀

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Loved the post! I am proudly just pass the Effit Fairy thankfully w/out the Frozen bitch face! LOL looking forward to reading Firelands

    Liked by 2 people

  5. This is something I seriously worry about! I am around kids all the time, kids who come from bad situations and need a lot of help learning social skills and such so my face is almost always bitch face. I can stop a fight with a look, but I don’t want to have frozen bitch face! So I make myself smile while I’m on the computer, reading, watch TV whatever if it’s a neutral activity I smile while I do it. Also the Effit Fairy has definitely come to me, but mine looks an awful lot like a shoulder devil.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Susan Spann says:

    Great post, Piper!! I love my effit fairy – she’s one of my favorites – and thank you for being the positive moment(s) in so many of my days.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Shannon says:

    The Effit Fairy. Awesome. Lol lol lol
    I will practice holding my face in a smiling position as much as possible, because 45 ain’t that far off.
    Thanks for the good laugh this morning.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Kit Dunsmore says:

    Damn. I wish I’d known about Frosty when I was turning 40. Still, the Effoff Fairy will be here next year, so not all is lost. 🙂 Love this article. It’s hilarious and good advice wrapped up in one. Thanks for making me smile today (and put some cracks in my Frozen Bitch Face).

    Liked by 2 people

  9. When you reach my age, the Effit and Effoff fairies come as a package deal! Love them! Thanks for the laughs, Piper, ~ I will ignore the extra wrinkles they added!

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Jess Witkins says:

    I FRIGGIN LOVE THIS POST!! Two of my favorite ladies in one place. ❤

    I am currently being dragged by the feet by my effit fairy. She is trying to teach me lessons and I'm that kid with my arms wrapped around a piece of furniture not wanting to budge. So maybe I need to just let go.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      I love this post too, Jess! Go, Piper. 🙂

      I don’t know where you are in your process, but I remember those late 20’s/early-30’s lessons. They are brutal! And yes, it’s the Effit Fairy trying to teach you to “Let it Go.”

      If all else fails, just come to SoCal and we’ll frolic in the garden and dance on the beach.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Piper Bayard says:

      You’ve got nothing to lose, Jess. So glad you enjoyed it. 🙂


  11. carbozombie says:

    I’ve been a fan of the effit fairy for a long time now, and that is why I am elfin’ happy. Great post.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. Cate Russell-Cole says:

    Well done, Piper. This is gold. 🙂 I think I got stuck with “meh!” face.

    Liked by 2 people

  13. Pingback: Little Darlings Anonymous — 12 Steps to Recovery | Jenny Hansen's Blog

  14. And I thought that was just my attitude. Now I know there are fairies involved. It all makes sense now…

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Emma says:

    I saw the title of this post and had to click straight away. Great draw!
    Thanks for this, made me chuckle and hopefully I’ll still be laughing when the face freeze happens.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. The Thumper Rule has been my life long savior from premature frozen bitch face…I must find and embrace the inner Effit Fairy more often now…

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Funny, as my friend has what she calls “resting bitch face” and she is in her 20’s. Guess it doesn;t matter what the age is with these faces.

    Liked by 2 people

  18. Piper Bayard says:

    And the winner of the drawing for a copy of FIRELANDS is . . . Shannon! Congratulations, Shannon!


    • Shannon says:

      Thank you so much! (Emailed you.)
      This post has made me laugh every time I think of it. I’ve been practicing my Resting Smiling Face all week.
      Thanks again!

      Liked by 1 person

Comments are closed.