Cruella, the evil machine…
Things are rolling along at the Hansen House after hip surgery, and I have tons of fun visitors. My sister is in town and I have BFFs dropping in left and right to be sure I’m okay, which a girl can never complain about.
The down side is I have to spend six hours a day on this evil contraption to the right. I’ve named her Cruella and I hate her. I started at 45 degrees last Friday and I am up to 55 degrees. I have to get to 100 degrees by a week from Thursday. Blurgh.
My sister is a Doctor of Chiropractic Medicine, so she has lots of groovy biological explanations for stuff. And I have to admit, especially with my current level of painkillers, there are times when my answer to her groovy is, “Hmmmmm.”
So, I convinced the team to let me have a glass of wine for Happy Hour yesterday, since “I deserved it after the Cruella torture.” And (at least from my perspective) the conversation went like this:
My Sis: Do you know how to remove the back loins? Because I do, and they’re delicious.
Hubs: Isn’t that called Rocky Mountain Oysters?
My Sis: That’s sheep’s balls. This was an elk. And it was the loins, not the testicles.
The rest of us: Hmmmmm.
My Sis: How are you doing from the antibiotics?
Me: It’s a little rough and tumble. Most of me hates antibiotics, if you know what I mean.
My Sis: Well they’ve got all sorts of things for that. Greek yogurt, baking soda mixtures.
Me: Greek yogurt in the Coo? Um, no.
BooBoo: Or, there’s suppositories.
Me: Suppositories?! Good Lord.
My Sis: You just toss it in the vestibule *finger quotes* and leave it.
BooBoo: Yeah. They don’t sizzle, or bubble or anything.
Me and Hubs: *spitting liquid*
BooBoo: Do you have a douchebag?
Me: What? NO. I don’t have a douchebag.
Hubs: Well, she has me.
Me: And who the hell even keeps around douchebags?
*All the women stared at me.*
BooBoo: You don’t have to go to the “adult store” to buy them. You can just go to any drugstore. You should buy one, just so you have one around.
My Sis: They even come in lavender and pink.
BooBoo: My mother used to hang them from the shower.
My Sis: My father used to use those on sinus infections when I was little.
BooBoo: I thought you used a neti pot for that.
My Sis: Well, I didn’t know! I was nine!!
[We all commiserated over the foibles of that particular father.]
My Sis: And why do they call people “douchebags?” Shouldn’t they call them a nozzle, since that’s what’s at the point of insertion? That seems like it might be more appropriate.
[I couldn’t even compute questions like that after my Vicodin and glass of wine.]
Me: Okay, I’ve got a question. Someone sent me this and they said it looks like Jesus. And I’m kind of scared I’m taking too many narcotics, because this actually looks like Jesus to me too. I’m also nervous to put it up on Facebook, in case the “too many drugs” part is true.
[Plus we’re all afraid we’re going to hell because we saw Jesus on a dog’s behind.]
I can only say that a whole new free-for-all began. And narcotics are a good thing. (So are the #hipjenny tweets that my pals have been sending out – thanks, y’all!)
Is it just my people who have conversations like this? And can you let me know if you see “the man in his robes” in that picture, or if it’s just the drugs? Enquiring minds need to know these things here at More Cowbell!
~ Jenny
Jenny Hansen's Blog 
OMG this was hilarious. Nothing in life is wasted on the writer who takes notes! Feel better Jenny (or, maybe not…).
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I tell you, Kathryn, I totally did pull my computer up to the table and start taking notes. They slayed me.
Thanks for popping in to visit us at More Cowbell!
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I don’t know what’s scary—that you, on drugs, can see the robed guy in a dog’s butt or that I, not on drugs nor caffeine, can see him.
So glad you’re on the bend, I mean mend. Don’t let Cruella beat you—she’s a crazy sadistic bitch. Take her DOWN!
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Cruella and I are fighting it out as I write this, and NO I don’t plan to let her win. 🙂
I’m SO glad I am not the only one who sees the man in robes!
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I don’t know about the others in your house right now, but YOU sure don’t need drugs for that conversation! Enjoy them, regardless.
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Okay, that might be absolutely true. 🙂 They still cracked me up.
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Well, Jenny, I see what you do. Does that mean I’m on narcotics and don’t know it?? It would explain a lot about me. Although I don’t hallucinate 3-inch big Japanese hornets, like I did last fall, so maybe it’s just me.
As for the conversation, I do have a group of friends who talk that way–my family, ummm, no.
I’m so glad you’re on the mend! {{Hugs}}
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Elizabeth, I think hallucinating 3-inch Japanese hornets is seriously unfair torture on top of whatever else you had done. Bugs…GACK!
And yes, I know I am mending. Although on Cruella, it feels like rending.
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OMG, I’m dying over the douche bag convo (especially appreciating Hubby’s acerbic wit). Lavender and pink? Why not rainbows and glitter? And who knew there were greek yogurt suppositories? And who first thought: “hey, this might solve that little problem in my hoo-ha”? You can see the questions abound. What a fab family you have, Jenny – and we already know they are equally fascinating when you’re not on Vicodin and wine. 😉 Feel better soon! Hugs.
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Kathy, I know!!! I started taking notes in the middle of all this because I could hardly believe my ears. (Of course when my sister read this, she said: “Wow. Rainbows and glitter would be AWESOME. I would totally buy that.”) I had no idea that douching was such a hot topic. I’d pretty much thought it was a swear word.
Oh, and on the Greek yogurt suppositories…apparently that’s all our interpretation and they DON’T exist. BooBoo was speaking of some other sort of thing that I don’t want to know about.
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Oh my goodness! So many different…emotions! 🙂 I am glad you are doing well and especially that they let you have a glass of wine. That contraption does not look fun. My oldest brother has zero filters and would have fit in nicely in your home adding to the conversation and “going there”. LOL. My entire family (including myself) would have fit right in. Keep healing. You’ve got Jesus to help you along. 🙂
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Thanks, my dear. I’m up and around more than I thought I’d be (considering I thought I’d be flat on my back). The rehab is far more involved than I was expecting, but I know it will pay off in the end.
And yes, I’ve got me a fine Jesus to help the process.
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DISCLAIMER: All typos herein shall be deemed Fat Finger Syndrome rather than Drain Bamage. My laptop is at the Geek Hospital in Louisville, KY.
IF it makes you feel better, permit me to assure you that YOUR family may be the only one I know who would have this type of whack-a-doodle conversation. You’re welcome.
I am SO familiar with Cruella. Hubby had to use it nearly ’round the clock when he had knee replacement surgery. Prepping the cooler with ice water that circulated ’round the knee was annoying. Hearing the ring of the bell I was stupid enough to give him was beyond annoying. It meant he either wanted to be fed or wanted his pee bottle emptied.
You have my sympathy. I’ve been thinking about you!
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LOL. We sure miss you around here, Miz Gloria!!! And I’m delighted to say that my ice machine doesn’t required iced water bottles like my hubs machine for his rotator cuff repair did. Mine has a water alcohol mix that chills my little thigh ice pack. It’s awesome squared. 🙂
And that machine? *shudders*
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Holy sightings, Batman! I do see Jesus.
Man, Jenny, here’s to 100 degrees on Cruella. And feeling better! Hilarious conversation, thanks for sharing.
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Thanks, Miz Amy. I sure do appreciate the posse here. Y’all are keeping me so cheered up. 🙂
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Excellent drug-fueled conversation! Indeed, who even has douchebags anymore?? And hello, how long did it take the owner of that dog staring at its butt to even see that? I mean, I see Jesus there but only after looking closely…now I feel like a big douchebag. Not literally.
Please, have some more Vicodin, Jenny. You produce hilarious posts!
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LOL, thanks Sierra…and I’m sorry to have polluted your mind. It’s worth it to get your funny bone tickled though, right? (Right??)
BTW, I asked that exact question about the dog’s owner? Why in the world were they staring at that poor pug’s behind?!
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I saw Him! I saw Him! Oh dear, what does that say about me? Get well soon!! And, don’t worry, you’ll beat Cruella yet.
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Sherry, whatever it says about you, it’s saying the same thing about me. So, hey, let me know, okay?
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So glad it went well, Jenny! Feel better soon!
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Thanks, Pauline!!! I’m happy to be on the other side of it all. 🙂
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Well, you know that dog spelled backwards is…
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True, Amy…very true! Maybe that will help me feel less guilty. LOL.
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Holy Dog!
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*giggling*
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I must admit – I too see Jesus and I haven’t been drinking.
Now the rest of that conversation – um – no comment. You just do whatever you gotta do to get back on your feet.
Patricia Rickrode
w/a Jansen Schmidt
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Oh, thank God! I feel so much better now. 🙂
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Yeah, I see Jesus too, and at the moment I am stone-cold sober and drug free (if you don’t count the B12 I have to shoot up every week). Jenny, you’re family is a total hoot. So great that they’ve gathered around to keep you entertained (and us)!
Beat that bitch Cruella into the ground so you can get back on your feet.
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Ack! That’s “your family” Nobody’s going to believe I’m actually a writer. 😛
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I make the same mistake all the time Kassandra. I know the difference, my fingers just have a mind of their own.
Patricia Rickrode
w/a Jansen Schmidt
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I totally knew what you meant. And dear God, I’m glad y’all are encouraging me through Cruella. I sure need the help. 🙂 She’s killing me.
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Glad you pulled through with your sense of humor intact. I don’t think that dog’s butt looks like Jesus, by the way, just one of the white dudes who played him in movies.
Get better soon!
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EXCELLENT point, Eric! I should have said, “it looks like stained-glass window white man Jesus,” not “true-to-history dark man Jesus.” I tell you, it’s the drugs… That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
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Although a stained glass dog butt is probably a work of art that stands on its own merits, regardless of the likeness depicted.
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ROFL.
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ROFLing is strictly forbidden by your doctor for at least 6 weeks!
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That is true, Eric. But I’m all bionic and stuff…I can do it in my MIND. 🙂
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Hope the surgery went well overall and that you have a speedy recovery. My gal’s mom just had hip replacement and with the therapy she was up and around fast.
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Lucky lady! If hip replacements didn’t have such a short shelf, I’d TOTALLY have gotten one of those. Rehab for a hip replacement is like a quarter of the time of a labral tear.
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Want me to come over and give you a sponge bath? 😉
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LOL. You slay me, Phil. I’ve got a lawn chair in my shower and I am SO bathed. 🙂
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But I give happy endings! 🙂
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Even (or especially?) on drugs, Jenny, you crack me up! And yes, I see the man in the robe, although it took me a minute. *dashes downstairs to show the guys*
The conversation was hilarious – I can see where you get it from! My family is a bit like yours, at least when we all let loose. And all manage to be in one place at the same time, difficult since we’re spread over 2,000 miles.
Get well, here’s to 100 degrees!
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What did the guys say, Jennifer??!! And so sorry you are far away from family like that. I’ll bet you miss them desperately.
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Lol, it sounds like you all were on Percocet! Are you sharing Jenny? Ha, ha, ha, you guys are a regular comedy show. Well, maybe not so normal. And don’t knock Cruella my friend. I can testify that the machine really works. Hang in there. You’re doing great! ((Hugs!))
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I’m not sharing my drugs, but I ALWAYS share my wine. 🙂
What did you have done where you had to have the Cruella?
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I had a client run into me and pinned me between her bummer and mine while I was getting samples out of my trunk. (Thank God for five mile an hour bumpers. There were eighteen inch screech marks on the pavement showing how far she pushed me forward.) I couldn’t walk for weeks, so my leg became immobile. The doctor used Cruella to help regain the full use of my leg. I still have an indentation where the bumper forced the skin to adhere to the bone. I am grateful it is just above my knee where people cannot see it. And I can walk and use my legs! 🙂
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Wow, Karen! I’m completely impressed that you walked after that. How frightening.
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Great. Now I have to go to confession because I saw Jesus on a canine butt. …And I’m not even Catholic. 🙂
Hope your recovery goes great! Pulling for you and the hip!
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That is so freaking funny, my favorite “preacher’s daughter.” Love it! Hope confession’s not too traumatic.
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Glad to see you are recuperating well and having fun while doing it. At age 94, my dad Clouis, had one of those Cruella contraptions on his leg after knee replacement surgery (on a Monday afternoon.) Thursday morning at about 3 am he somehow managed to get the contraption off his leg and get out of the hospital bed. The nurse found him in the bathroom sitting on the toilet. When his doctor found out about it, the next morning he released him from the hospital for transfer to a nursing home and thirty days of physical therapy. Do your physical therapy and you will be in better shape than you were before the surgery.
I don’t see Jesus on the dog’s butt, but I do see someone wearing a white rain coat with a nylon stocking over their head. Could be Jesus but in that disguise it could be anyone.
Get well soon,
Jim Hansen
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Thanks for the story, Cousin Jimmy! I just read it to Cory. As usual, we think the Hansens rock. 🙂
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Dying over your post and over Jim’s (Pop) explanation of Dog Butt Man. I of course had to look at the picture again (for like the 4th time because staring at dog butts looking for Jesus is just so NOT awkward) and he is absolutely right. Looks like a guy with a nylon over his face.
Glad you are recovering nicely with a little help from your friends. Love the banter. Those are the best sorts of friends!
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I know, Sue. That behind is just like a car crash where you have a hard time looking away. 🙂 I KNEW y’all would have many, many theories on it….
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Okay, it’s almost one in the morning here and I’m winding down with a glass of wine and doing a last e-mail check. And then I see the one notifying me of additional Cowbell comments. Never, ever should have opened that e-mail. But I guess the keyboard survived the spewing wine because it’s still typing away. And now I need to go look at that dog’s butt again, after which I will DEFINITELY need another glass of wine to settle down for bed.
See what you all are doing to me, turning me into a lush! 😀
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You KNOW you love getting your late-night guffaw on, Kassandra. Thanks for coming back, and spending your wine break with us. 🙂
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What a hysterical conversation. Your drugs have you channeling the Bloggess. This is totally her kind of conversation, right down to the “why do we even call people douchebags?”. I’m going to be laughing for the rest of the day. Thanks for sharing this!
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You are most welcome, Kit! And trust me, comparing me to The Bloggess in any fashion makes my WEEK.
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It would make mine, too. She is so funny! But you are in her league with this one. Way to go!
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Oh, the epic goodness of this. LOL. Too much funny. Good to see you have a sense of humor about Cruella. It sounds so horrible. And yes, I can see Jesus too, and no, I’m not high. LOL! Thanks for the laughs!
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You are so very welcome, Raven! And I am SO glad about two things:
1. Cruella and her evil are retired to her carrying box.
2. You DON’T have to be on drugs to see that Jesus.
Truly, those things are a comfort to me. 🙂
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