When I first posted on this topic, Baby Girl was just starting to talk. Now? She’s repeating everything, which means I have to spell everything. And sometimes the Hubs will just say the word I’m trying not to say (like chocolate)…and then I want to swear.
Or she’ll take every toy out the bin, so the bin is clean and my dining room is a mess. And then I really want to swear.
I think I’m gonna need some more help from my posse on this one. What new tricks do you have for swearing that isn’t actual swearing? I think I’m going to have to start getting more creative.
I’m sure you’ve noticed that (periodically) I swear. I think about everyone does, at least when things aren’t going smoothly. Well, OK…everyone but my Aunt Sherry who taught kindergarten for 30+ years.
One thing that’s really helping my current Clean Mouth Campaign is that I’m related to SO many creatively clean potty mouths. I’ve got TONS of funny variety to help me stay on the non-swearing side of the street.
For example, I’ve got my “non-cursing” brother who says things like:
- “Listen, Fartknocker!” when his fellow drivers upset him. (translation: A-hole)
- Or “Dude, YOU are just a turtleneck with ears!” (translation: “Dickhead!”)
- Rude salespeople will earn choice phrases like, “That guy shoulda been a belly shot” or “What a waste of a good swimmer.”
- Then there’s my very favorite way he describes “white trash”: “Sis, this place was supposed to be a ‘resort’ but it was ‘Whiskey Tango’ Central over there.”
Really, my whole family has the knack:
- My cousin Carrie, when she’s pissed off at her hubby, yells: “Well God BLESS!” in a super funny-scary voice. Or “Two tears in a bucket…” (Cause “bucket” rhymes with “f*c% it!”) She kills me every time she says it.
- Another cousin’s way to call you an idiot is to say, “You need Jesus.”
- Computer dude cousins reference their boneheaded end-users as “having an I D 10 T Error” (pronounced “eye-dee-ten-tee,” which is easily translated on paper.
- My mother’s most frequent warning, when I was getting close to THE LINE was to say, “Jennifer Jo…” (in that spooky voice all parents seem to master). She’d follow it up with, “You’re tap dancing on my last nerve!!!”
- And when I was about to cross the point of no return into DEEP doo-doo, she’d say “Are we gonna have a donkey barbecue?” (That would be an “ass chewin’.”)
There’s the ever popular “Shut the front door!” (I don’t have to translate that, right?)
Plus, I grew up in a neighborhood where, if you weren’t black, you were Jewish (I am neither) so I’ve got a creative arsenal of Yiddish words to help me out. “Schmuck” is my all time favorite way to call someone “a stupid tiny peckerhead.” (List of English words of Yiddish origin.)
But I’d say my MOST preferred way to cleanly drop the F-Bomb, adopted by one of my Besties and adored by everyone in my circle, is to say:
“FOCUS, people!” or “You need to focus!!”
The translation for this can be found here, or you can just scroll down.
A few more clicks.
Down a little more…
Just a liiiiiittle further…..
OK, this should be far enough for y’all to have shooed your youngers and elders away:
What’s the most creative swearing being done in your neck of the woods? Do you have any “clean” delights to share? We’re aiming for words and phrases we can say in front of Grandma without making her keel over. (Enquiring minds always want to know these things here at More Cowbell!)