This question came from my husband yesterday at breakfast. (Y’all know I like to share these bloggable moments with you.)
First, I should say, I was on my first cup of coffee. Also, I might have a touch of PMS.
(Yeah, yeah…too much information, but far be it from me to leave out the backstory to this conversation.)
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So we’re at the breakfast table, without Babykins, and the Hubs stretches.
Me: *peering up his nose* (Don’t judge me. It was there.) Wow, it’s fuzzy in there. *pointing my nose in the air* Am I fuzzy in there?
Him: No.
Me: Maybe it’s an age thing. Maybe I’ll get fuzzy in there in about eight years.
Him: Maybe it’s a man thing. *sigh* If you ever get fuzzy in there, you could just wax it.
Me: Are you kidding me? Have you ever accidentally yanked out a bunch of nose hairs, or gotten a pimple? It hurts! Things are sensitive in there.
Him: Well, people wax their bikini area all the time. That’s a sensitive area.
Me: Outside! They wax the outside. That’s very different from waxing the inside. I got my butt accidentally waxed on the outside, but I’d clobber the person who tried to do the inside.
Him: How do you accidentally wax your butt?
Me: This gal was doing my legs and she got a little bit overzealous. She was up my thigh and on my booty before I could catch her. Once you’ve done one cheek, you’ve gotta do ’em both. *pondering* The during didn’t feel so hot, but afterward…oh my God, it was amazing. It felt like a baby’s behind. I wanted the whole world to touch my a$$.
Him: Really.
Me: I’ll shut up now.
Jenny Note: If you’re letting someone yank the hair out of your upper thighs with hot wax, you’ve already lost your mind a bit, so really…just let ’em go all the way. You’ll enjoy your crazy smooth butt while it lasts. Would I do it again? No. I’m a Nair girl now. But at the time? It was amazing.
I’ll shut up now.
* * * * * *
Do you have times of the day, week or month that you majorly run off at the mouth? Have you ever accidentally performed any beauty regimens that turned out kind of good? Did y’all miss me as much this week as I missed you? Enquiring minds LOVE to know these things here at More Cowbell!
~Jenny
Jenny Hansen's Blog 
Thank you for that laugh. Maybe one day I’ll tell you about the time I discovered it’s a bad idea to make the girl holding the fake tan gun laugh…
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Oh, you can feel free to tell us NOW, Imelda. We lurve stories like that over here. 🙂
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KA-SNORT!
No. I did not miss you as much as you missed me. I missed you more! You have a posse. I have only one Jenny Jo Hansen — the only person I know who would lift her nose for hair inspection over a bowl of cereal.
You have me wondering if I have too much testosterone floating in my system. I do grow nose hairs, but they get plucked while I’m driving back roads. Seriously. I keep tweezers in my purse. I’m not a road hazard. I keep my eyes on the road. I know where my nose is. If my tweezers close on hair, it gets yanked.
I intentionally set myself up for butt hair maintenance a month ago. It was not my fault the spa offered free laser hair removal in one area on my body. It was not my fault my mouth spewed “butt crack” before my brain engaged.
[NOTE: If you do not suffer from butt crack hairs, I was writing fiction when I crafted that last paragraph]
The aesthetician told me to shave that area before getting the treatment. SO! There I was in the shower with my electric shaver, hunkered to gain access to the area in question when my husband walked in. He could not see what I was doing. He could only tell I had my legs spread and a battery operated device buzzing away.
I’ll leave you with that thought…
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OMG, Gloria, I’m cringing over my coconut greek yogurt right now…I should know better than to eat while reading Jenny’s blog, and then I get to your comment. Oy. 😉
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Oh, Gloria… Thanks for the giggliscious image you created in my mind. If hubby were smart, he would’ve offered a helping hand (even if he thought you were playing with BOB). These are those opportunities men miss that leave me shaking my head. BTW, did you know that erotic shaving is a thing? Involving partners? 😉
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Erotic shaving is a THING? Shut the front door! I thought that craze ended in the 80’s. I learn the best stuff from y’all….
Erotic shaving…heh.
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It was actually over a gluten free waffle with peanut butter and jelly, but I get your drift. I just had no idea there was so much fuzzy in a nose.
Oh, and according to Amber and Dr. Oz, you need to STOP WITH THE TWEEZERS and get one of those whirling circular nose hair cutters so you don’t die an agonizing death. That would be tragic for all of us, especially before “All Inn” hits the stands.
I’ll confess I’ve never really explored my own butt crack, but the Hubs would laugh if I started. Here’s hoping your guy opened the shower door and helped you out. Question: isn’t it bad juju to use an “electric shaver” in the shower (like where there’s running water). I’m worrying about sparks. IYKWIM…
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I have to say something about the nose fuzz thing. I don’t actually have a problem with that…thank God!…but I’d seen someone who did (really bad), so I thought I’d buy one of those battery operated fuzzy nose things. You know…to kind of get skilled at it before the need arose. Maybe I went a little overboard, but I wound up getting seriously sick after that. Not sure if that had anything to do with it or not, but I threw that sucker in the trash. And if it ever does become a problem, it will be tweezers for me. Unless there’s a really good reason to not use them.
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LMAO Gloria!!!
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Jenny you crack me up! (I know, bad pun). Love these inside looks at your breakfast table convos, even though I should know by now to refrain from consuming food/beverages in the process. So, how many folks got to feel your butt before it grew back? Never mind…
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I’m kind of-sort of-okay-really-not sorry I jazzed up the Greek yogurt this morning. Everyone needs a Monday morning giggle. And if we can’t giggle over butt crack, what CAN we giggle over? LOL.
I wore many pairs of ripped jeans in those days, Kathy, so actually more people got to feel my butt cheek than you might imagine. 🙂
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Oh, dear Lord. *snorts, cackles, embarasses self in the office* I KNEW I could count on you to give me a fantastic Monday laugh, Jenny! And you’re right…waxing in that area feels horrible in the moment, but the results are AMAZING (while they last). 🙂
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See? I knew someone else was going to concur about the smooth baby-soft waxed behind. It feels crazy smooth, even just having your pants sliding across your behind. (Probably I need to shut up again.)
And I’m delighted to cackle up your Monday at the office. That makes my entire day, Melinda!
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Thank doG the coffee cup was on the table. *snert*
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You are a wise Monday morning blog reader, Amy. Very, very wise. 🙂
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LOL Sometimes it really sux being such a visual person! LMAO Thanks for the Monday giggles!
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You’re welcome, Bren! And I think being visual is ALWAYS a bonus. 🙂
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On the nose front, have you heard of The Triangle of Death?? ::cue dramatic music here::
Apparently waxing nose hairs, if it was even possible, would be dangerous! (http://www.doctoroz.com/videos/facing-triangle-death)
(thanks for the Monday morning laugh. 🙂 )
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OMG, the Triangle of Death…. I’ve already cautioned Gloria above about those tweezers. Jeezy peezy, Dr. Oz tells us about the best stuff.
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Oh my gosh! LOLOLOL! I knew there was a reason I don’t wax certain places. Even if I waxed it my butt would no longer resemble a baby’s, by touch or any other sense. Gravity has had its wicked way with my tush.
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Gravity tends to hit the old tushy early in my family too, but I’ll bet I still have some “baby bum” potential. With the right lotion. And a few glasses of wine. (In order to fog my vision and my sense of touch.)
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How I LOVE this post. Just sayin’. Yes, you got me giggling (with images from Deuce Bigalow & The 40-Year Old Virgin running through my brain). Like Amber, I had concerns as to the safety and wisdom of waxing nose hairs. Then Gloria had me giggle-snorting.
I will say this… I’m actually a fan of waxing in the bikini area. I’ve found it so much easier to have someone else do it for me…and I prefer Brazilians. I used to think they’d hurt a ton, but I’ve found that a good esthetician is worth her weight in gold. She may leave some discomfort, but not pain…and the isht doesn’t grow back as quickly as when I shave. I’ve also found that if you do it regularly, the amount that grows back lessens. In fact, they say that if you do it regularly for a year, up to 50% never grows back….and when it grows back, it’s not nearly the prickly porcupine that it is when razor stubble returns. Granted I’ve never actually done this to my butt area….
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See, you lost me at “I prefer Brazilians,” Kitt. Although the ladies at Pretty Kitty SWEAR it doesn’t hurt. I’m still convinced they’re lying hussies.
I might (huge MIGHT) give it a whirl some day for a special occasion. (Think back to our VEET friend.) I’m not rushing in though. True fact: us blondes are more sensitive to waxing. I’ve had bruises for weeks in the past.
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Actually, the blond/sensitivity thing doesn’t surprise me. I remember a pleasure party I hosted where the sales lady talked about the lotions that could make you all tingly hot *in there* and she said that blonds and redheads should never go for the chocolate flavored ones as those tended to be stronger…and blonds/redheads tended to get irritated/burn a tad upon application of the “stronger” flavored ones. I think she recommended the vanilla flavor for you guys.
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Yep, that’s me…Miss Vanilla Hot Lotion. I think Gloria and I should get some t-shirts printed up. We’d be VERY popular at writers’ conferences.
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KA-SNORT!
So glad I haven’t yet found the hat I want blinged out with “Got Zatch.”
If either of us could sing, we could call our band Vanilla Zatch. Hmmmm.
I do a decent do-whap-a-do-whap.
Kitt? Do you sing? GB August would make our PERFECT front person.
Plans. Scurrying off to make plans.
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LOL!
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So, actually YOU didn’t accidentally wax your butt, the person doing the waxing accidentally waxed your butt.
Either way, good blogging.
Patricia Rickrode
w/a Jansen Schmidt
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Thanks, Patricia! And yes, I was not the weilder of the hot wax. But yowza, did my tushy feel different afterwards. 🙂
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Ha ha.
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😀
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How women endure waxing is beyond me. Shaving is bad enough. If somebody wanted to wax my butt they’d be learning about hot wax enemas.
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LOL, Tom. I’d imagine the entire experience would be much more traumatic for a man.
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I’m dying just thinking about having nose hair waxed. Ow, ow, ow! One time when I was having my eyebrows waxed (not the whole eyebrow like Whoopi Goldberg, but you know, the parts that won’t behave and want to grow down to my lash line) I told the girl to wax my upper lip, too. (Yes, what they say about menopause is true. You freakin’ turn into Groucho Marx, and can grow a full mustache on your lunch break.) She warned me it would hurt, but I thought some momentary discomfort would be worth it. I was wrong. This was about five years ago and it STILL hurts.
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The upper lip…dear GOD, the upper lip. I let the threading gal wield her floss on my upper lip and the skin on the area was raised for almost a week. It was dreadful. It did (eventually) simmer down, unlike your poor lip. I guess this is why Dr. Oz calls it the “Triangle of Death.” No more waxing for you. 🙂
And by the way, you terrified me with this:
“Yes, what they say about menopause is true. You freakin’ turn into Groucho Marx, and can grow a full mustache on your lunch break.”
Say it isn’t so???
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I should buy stock in Olay since their facial hair removal cream stuff has become my new best friend. It’s wonderful stuff, but it’s frightening how you can start to look like Tom Selleck in a matter of hours. These days I’m always packin’ tweezers to take care of unexpected ‘stache catastrophes. 🙂
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*taking copious notes*
Olay facial hair removal creme…good to know. My time is creeping up. I’m not giving Selleck or Redford a run for their money YET, but I have had a hot flash or two (or five).
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Oh Jenny, this is some great stuff (as usual). Butt waxing. Can’t say I’ve tried, can’t say I won’t. 😉 You never know when the need/desire for a shorn-shitter will strike.
I don’t follow many beauty tips (there’s only so much you can do with a mug like mine), but I will confess to one strange experience. While on vacation I made it back to my hotel room with a drink in one hand and a bottle of cheap champagn in the other. I decided to hit the shower after doing some writing, and thought I would take the champagne with me.
Once in the shower, I took the recently opened bottle and took a big swig. If you’ve done something similar, then you know what happened next. I had a fountain of champagne as soon as I pulled the bottle out of my mouth. Since I was in such a highly intelligent state, I thought I would give my hair a good bathing with the champagne (works with beer, why not the bubbly?). The bottle was empty by the time I finished.
Beauty regiment? Probably not. Good use of champagne? No. A strange story that could only be shared on the Cowbell? Damn straight.
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LMAO, Zack!!! I have a tremendous image of drunken you foaming at the mouth and trying out champagne shampoo while singing at the top of your lungs. That’s just stellar. Thanks for that. I’m glad you finally have a forum to share, and I can’t wait for Gloria to get her sharing in. *giggle-snort*
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😀 I was only foaming a little, although I think I did try some champagne gargle. Interestingly enough, I did so some singing. I had some music going and couldn’t help but champagne-lather to the tunes.
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LOL!!! that was great! Thanks for the laugh!!
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You are welcome. We like to have a great time every Monday here at More Cowbell. 🙂
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That title sucked me right in and I’m glad I read on. LOL. I’m not much of a waxer, I too like Nair. I don’t think I’ll ever have a baby-soft bum unless someone can sand paper it with the heavy stuff! 🙂
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LOL. I’ll bet you that hot wax would soften your bum right up. But see, I get stuck on the words “Hot Wax” too. I just can’t go there anymore.
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Not a great visual but a great laugh none the less! I am not a fan of anything involving “ripping” in the same context as my skin, and also not a Nair girl. Apparently I have industrial strength hair that Nair barely touches. Must be some strong European stock…
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Strong European stock makes for stubborn hair, from what I’ve heard. But it helps in other ways, right? You healthy, strong girl, you. 🙂 Me? I am from Viking, Native American and Irish peasant stock.
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Ah. German, Dutch and Belgian here. I blame the Dutch for my body shape but the Germans are probably to blame for the hair. Lol.
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Thanks for the laugh, Jenny! I needed that.
No waxing for me. Thanks. 😀
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EVERYBODY needs a laugh, Diana! Especially on a Monday. Stick with me, darling. We’ll find laughter together. Hopefully not always at my expense though… 🙂
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I laughed til I cried having been down that wax crevice before. Thank you for the laughter. Now I have one for you. (I share) I know this is not the best quality video but the BBC pulled all versions of the whole tv show they had up on you tube and this is someone’s video of that video BUT or should I say BUTT – you need to watch. You will laugh til your sides hurt. Enjoy.
And yes menopause can make a mustache grow over a lunch hour and if your of Italian descent like me – probably during a coffee break. Wax on…wax off.
Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kxMtfyAh6OI
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Oh, dear Lord. The way Mrs. Brown walks at the end of the clip is the best! I know that feeling perfectly. Thanks for sharing!!
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Waxing? Nope. Never, ever, ever. I may not be a blonde, but just the thought of that – anywhere – makes me cringe. I am a little bummed about the triangle of death. Just read that article. That sucks. I have about six upper lip hairs that I’ve been plucking for as long as I can remember (with no problem, I might add). Now I guess I’ll have to try the Olay thing. When menopause does hit, I have no desire to look like Tom Selleck. Even though he’s a good looking guy, I am not a guy – and have no desire to grow his mustache.
Any accidental beauty thing? Just that using coconut oil for the past almost three years (1-3 tablespoons a day) seems to make my skin softer. My eye doctor keeps telling me that I look at least ten years younger than my actual age. Must be why I get mistaken for 12 years old all the time. 😀 😀 😀
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And now I guess I’m gonna go read some more Veet reviews…
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You can NEVER read too many VEET reviews, Kristy!
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Do you use the coconut oil ON your hair or skin, or just take it by mouth? Enquiring minds want to know!!! 🙂
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Once in a while, I’ll use a tiny bit (and I mean a tiny bit) on my hair for a little extra shine…but I’m talking just a dab that I rub between my hands and then lightly through my hair. I’ve tried it ‘on’ my skin but have never found that it absorbs into it…just leaves it greasy. So…it’s all internally. I know some people put it on toast, others put it in coffee or smoothies. I cook with it and take 1-3 tablespoons a day, depending on how I feel (helps a lot with fatigue). I just scoop it out and take it straight out of the jar. It’s harder when it liquifies in a warm room, and it’s even worse when it’s in a cold room. My preference is when it’s the consistency of soft butter. Took me about a year to stop gagging no matter how it was. Now I just have a little trouble when it’s too solid. I just don’t want the extra calories from food or drink.
In case you’re worried about extra fat in your diet, your liver processes it differently than other fats, maybe because it’s an MCT…I forget all the reasons, but it actually helps weight loss rather than promoting it. There’s a study from the 1940s (I think) where farmers tried to fatten livestock by adding coconut oil to their feed…except they turned out to be pretty buff animals, lol. Okay, so they lost weight. Not sure how buff they wound up though.
So basically it’s good for you in a lot of ways. Well worth the time to do some studying. Just know that there are going to be people and “experts” who say it’s all a crock. Take it from someone with hypothyroidism, and one who started using it when she was taken off Ritalin for a head injury…I wouldn’t be using it almost three years later if it didn’t work. The skin softening stuff is just a bonus I didn’t know or care about. I do care now though. 😀
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Thank you for making me cry in a good way. It will be awhile before I stop laughing…
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You’re welcome, Cate. My work here is done!! 🙂
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[applause]
Are you still willing to take a guest post about the memoir project? Can you please DM me on Twitter @cateartios and tell me where/when/how to send it?
Thank you! 🙂
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The visuals of you getting a butt wax that just came to mind could get me arrested!
Reminds me of this famous waxing scene –
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