It’s Monday, y’all! Which means it’s time to get our giggle on. This article and the accompanying video SLAYED me. Thank you to Melanie Martilla for the giggles and jokes with my husband.
Note: It’s not suitable for children, but it’s damn funny.
From Egotastic: The Difference Between Porn & Real Sex Explained With Food
The post starts off…
There is a moment in the life of every young man when they learn that real sex is not like it is in porn. Perhaps you requested something that is not a normal girl’s menu or you grabbed a boob like it was made of silicone and not nerves and flesh.
Yeah…that would be when that young man gets slapped silly.
I don’t know about the rest of you, but the young men I knew were scared of the entire process. They were game, and full of raging hormones, but scared to death that they were going to die, hurt or impregnate somebody.
But at some point (and dear God I dread this day with my own), we’ve got to tell those crazy kids about what their bodies can do. And I want to do a way better job than Hubby’s parents who just left a book at the end of his bed and slunk off. He took female sexuality at the community college in high school just so he would have a clue what was going on.
Everyone I’ve ever talked to wished they’d known more of the REAL stuff…the lack of specifics was frustrating. Now I’m totally whining because I can’t use THIS. It really gets the point across, doesn’t it?
How did you learn about the birds and the bees? What tips do you have for me when my time comes along? Do you have OTHER videos/ materials / books I need to know about? Enquiring minds always want to know these things here at More Cowbell!
~Jenny
Jenny Hansen's Blog 
Jenny, this is fantastic. I want to anonymously email it to my sons!
I got the book at the end of the bed, too. Sigh. That explains a lot about my first marriage.
I had to correct a lot of misinformation that my daughters got from their mother (shockingly bad), but that was eons ago. I’ll be interested what folks with younger kids come up with for “the talk.”
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LOL…yeah, the olde book on the bed…good times.
To give my mama credit, she told me what everything was, what it did, and when it would arrive. She was less clear on what to do with it and what it meant. But she TRIED. 🙂
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That video is priceless! You really should have a special alert for the males in your posse. When that cleaver descended, even I winced.
Blows me away (and, not in the IYKWIM sense) that your hubby took a course on Female Sexuality when he was in high school. High Five! (Er…three…if the video is accurate <==== Yes. That's IYKWIM)
My sex ed? From my mother? Good grief! We did not mention S-E-X in our house. Ever. I suspect poor Mom went to her grave not knowing the scoop. She frowned on use of Tampons because she thought they’d compromise my virginity.
For the how-did-that-baby-get-in-there clinical Intel on sex, I found a book titled Where Did I Come From? No. I didn’t get it for myself. I purchased it for my sister when she faced the dreaded questions.
I had my own copy on my coffee table when I was single.[No. I do not want to explain why.]
As for the female sexuality and pleasure part? Good luck. No clue on how I’d tackle that issue if I had a Little Bean. After August began her series, I purchased I Love Female Orgasm. There are some talk-with-daughter tips in there. Or, you could fork over the dough and send her to Community College.
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My first laugh-out-loud moment came when the toast popped up. And yes, I winced too.
I LOVE “Where Did I Come From!” That book gives the deets in a way that most tweens can deal with. I’ve also given several 9-10 girls (my friends kids, not strangers) “The Care and Keeping of You.” That’s a fantastic book for girls to get all their questions answered in an age when they start wondering what’s going on.
I haven’t read the female orgasm book. Hmmmmm. Thank you, and I’m glad you finally graduated to tampons and happy sex. 🙂
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One of my favorite bits in Where Did I Come From? was the explanation on how to pronounce Vajajay. “Rhymes with Carolina.”
I like to think this was the inspiration behind the song lyrics, “Nothing could be finer, than to be in Carolina in the M0-0-0-R-NING.”
Yes. It is odd in my imaginary world.
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My mother was the same. When I was in third grade, my adult cousin got pregnant but wasn’t married. Up to that point, I thought a woman got pregnant by sitting in bed with her husband and praying for a baby. (This, in my 9-year-old mind, explained “trying.” Clearly, you weren’t praying hard enough.)
My mom explained the birds-and-the-bees by first telling me to go get the Lutheran hymnal and reading through the marriage vows. She insisted we didn’t do this until we were married. She then proceeded to explain “make a baby” without using the word “sex.” Later that day, I went to our 1978 Encyclopedia Britannica and read the entry on sex. I was still confused about the mechanics of it, though. Where… did… things… go? Was this different than “making a baby?”
And yes, at age 16, I had a huge fight with Mom about tampons. I wasn’t allowed to use them, end of story.
Good thing the internet came along. Er. I think. Well, anyway. It taught me lots of stuff.
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My how-I-told-my-kids-about-sex stories are rather entertaining. I’ll share them sometime. We did talk straight to them, answered questions, and got the job done. And by the way, that conversation was just the kick-off. My kids know I’m available any time they have questions, and I’ll give them the real scoop…not the rumor getting passed around school or stupidity gleaned from some weird site on the Internet. Anyway.
That video had me laughing, snorting, and stomping (yes, stomping) with laughter. What a marvelous way to explain the difference! The wonderful thing, however, is that the real thing is far more wonderful–as different and persnickety as it is.
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I will be asking you more about these conversations in a few years, Julie. There’s a time when kids first start reading and looking around at everyone where they’re intensely interested in the body. I always figure if you address that one first, then the what to do with it conversation will happen much more naturally.
What do you think?
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Just don’t use food as object lessons. LOL.
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Great point, Julie. 🙂
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Omg!!! I’m laughing so hard right now I can barely type! That was hilarious but so accurate! I don’t even remember how I learned everything. Probably through friends and school. I know my parents never really gave me a formal lesson. Awesome post!
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That was my reaction to that video too. Like I said this would have explained A LOT. 🙂
Thanks for all the blog love!
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Priceless! You find the best word-porn out there! (I mean that in the best possible way…ahem!)
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LOL…word-porn. Nope, not me. It’s the posse. They’re always out there watching.
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One of the funniest videos I a have seen. Explained it much better than when we took sex ed in school! I think I will send it to my parents now!
Also – Happy Monday! Guess who just got nominated for The Sunshine Award? Yes – you! Now go relish in the afterglow!
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WOW! Really?? That’s fantastic. I don’t know what it means though, so I’ll go take a peeksie at your blog to see what I’m being honored with. I always say “I love to spread sunshine!!”
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You know, I would have been okay had I never seen that video. Does make you have a lot more respect for the pron stars though. God bless ’em.
Patricia Rickrode
w/a Jansen Schmidt
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LOL, Patricia. Natalie Hartford and I are here to help you see those things that you normally wouldn’t have sought out, right? Muah!
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We should tech our kids that porn is a misrepresentation of sex. I won’t judge but it’s not a turn-on. From what I’ve seen there’s no love or caring.
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My hubs feels the same way, Tom. I totally get it. It’s always a shame to me to see young men watch adult films before they have any sort of real-life experience.
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That video is priceless….love the banana in fudge when they’re talking about anal….EW. hahaha! We’re getting very close to needing to have this talk with our boys! I’m going over comments and see some great books that might be helpful to us. I think my eldest just needs to know the basics at this point, but before long they’ll both need to know more, or at the very least, we’ll need to open that line of communication. Awesome post, thanks!
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Oh My Gosh! I will never eat a banana dipped in chocolate again! This is fantastic!!!! Just what the doctor ordered on a Monday, Jenny! The best book in the world for us was, It’s So Amazing by Robbie Harris. We read the book to the kids when they were 6-12. They loved the book. We made the whole thing very matter of fact. Good thing you still have a little while until your little princess gets too curious. 🙂
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I was out of town and away from the social media for a few days, but thanks for the mention 🙂 I’m glad you enjoyed the video. I new it was perfect for More Cowbell 😉
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Jenny… YOU ARE EXTRAORDINARY.
So first I get all full of myself… because I stumble onto http://jezebel.com/5900928/your-vagina-isnt-just-too-big-too-floppy-and-too-hairyits-also-too-brown and I say, “who better to send this to? I bet Jenny could write something awesome about it.” But couldn’t remember how to find your blog. So in searching for you I find http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGBD1KUz2RA so now I have two things to give to Jenny. But then I finally find ur blog… and your latest scripture is far funnier than the two above combined. If there was ever an award for literate commentary on scooters… I would nominate you. Great chuckles. Thanks.
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