My new gardening theory: I’m too nice to my spuds. It’s time to go all “Fifty Shades” on my potato pals.
Seriously, all my friends with crap soil can grow mad amounts of potatoes. Even my big bro, the Bag Whore, got scads of potatoes on his first try!
Not only did he get a great crop, he GLOATED with this Facebook update:
Winterizing the garden today and found some goodies buried in the potato box!
The Bag Whore’s “leftover spuds.”
Me?
I just confirmed that my third try at potatoes yielded one the size of my big toe and another about three inches long. Not only was the crop pitiful, but they tasted like cocktail onions.
So I’m at dinner with Hubby and Clair the Coffee Goddess and they told me “I’m too nice to my potatoes.” Obviously if all these other schmoes can grow ’em, I can too, right?
I just need to abuse them more. Talk dirty. Maybe a spanking or two.
According to the Southern California planting guide, this is what will grow right now:
FALL (in warm regions)
artichoke, beets, broccoli, brussels sprouts, cabbage, carrots, cauliflower, celery, chives, cilantro, collards, dill, endive, fava beans, garlic, kale, lettuce, onion, parsley, parsnip, peas, radish, swiss chard, thyme
Note: I’ve got most of that, plus tomatoes, although those are starting to die off. BUT I WANT POTATOES!!!! *bangs spade…yanks hair* WHY can’t I grow potatoes???!
The Hansen House Potato Famine was followed by this conversation with my sis:
Cory: Shoot…I can’t grow zucchini! Help!
Me: Cory, I just got the secret of why we didn’t get zucchini this year! With the bee population down you have to get a q-tip and fertilize them yourself. Get pollen from the boy flowers and take it to the girl flowers. Relative of mine swears it works.
Cory: This sounds like blog for More Cowbell! [Thassss right!] Q-tips, boy flower… Girl flower Hmmmm…. It’s too bad my garden is done. Winter is setting in here in Oregon.
Me: I know, right? Who’d have thought you had to be the resident pimp for the zucchini?
The Bag Whore: You just have to plant flowers to attract the bees. I had tons of bees. Of course you guys live in Monsanto hell, maybe you have a shortage of bees there.
Yup. Despite what the sanctimonious potato-growing Bag Whore has to say, there is a shortage of bees here in the western regions right now.
If you want to get zucchini these days, ya gotta pimp it.
While the link above shows the q-tip method well, the guy in the following video slayed me. I loooove the way he says “zucchinis.”
So, to recap:
I have to abuse my potatoes and be a pimp for my zucchini if I want to be successful.
Any questions?
What do you do for grand crops? Sing…dance…pimp…(spank)? Enquiring minds always want to know these things here at More Cowbell!
Jenny
p.s. For all you procrastinating types: Happy Tax Extension Day!!
Jenny Hansen's Blog 
My question is, why does everything grow best where it’s not supposed to?The healthiest Bermuda grass I have is what’s wandered over to the junipers and monkey grass. For that matter, who decided what was weeds and what wasn’t. Some of the stuff I fight to get rid of looks as good to me as the stuff I’m nurturing, but officially, they’re weeds!
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I don’t know, Jane…I don’t know. I got NINE tomato plants that I didn’t plant this year. They just started popping up everywhere. I have no idea why.
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OMG! After all these years. I finally learn what the bees biz is all about when it comes to ‘splainin’ sex. There are male flowers with their own winky-dink penises. And, the females have those good veggies en uteri.
[My sex ed from Mom–the farmer’s daughter–was, “God plants babies inside women when they get married. Now, go play in the hay loft and stop asking stupid questions.”]
Personally? I think the Q-tip artificial insemination method is more humane that whacking off Mr. Zucchini’s winky-dink parts, as demonstrated in the video. [Yes! I love his accent.] Loved his brush-it-around method. Was it good for her, too? IYKWIM.
Random thought alert!
For those of us who have ever agreed to accept zucchini from a friend, neighbor, or co-worker and been
cursedblessed with daily delivery of bags those giant darlings…I suggest every Friday the 13th be declared Zucchini Winky-Dink Whack-off day. Population control amongst thriving Zucchini free-sex communes would negate the urge to run when a home gardener approaches.
Me? Garden? It’s a spectator sport.
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Well, Gloria, that’s one way to keep those bad boys from reproducing. Have you ever read the following poem by Marge Piercy? It’s a hoot, and I think captures your sentiment perfectly. 😉
Attack of the Squash People
And thus the people every year
in the valley of humid July
did sacrifice themselves
to the long green phallic god
and eat and eat and eat.
They’re coming, they’re on us,
the long striped gourds, the silky
babies, the hairy adolescents,
the lumpy vast adults
like the trunks of green elephants.
Recite fifty zucchini recipes!
Zucchini tempura; creamed soup;
sauté with olive oil and cumin,
tomatoes, onion; frittata;
casserole of lamb; baked
topped with cheese; marinated;
stuffed; stewed; driven
through the heart like a stake.
Get rid of old friends: they too
have gardens and full trunks.
Look for newcomers: befriend
them in the post office, unload
on them and run. Stop tourists
in the street. Take truckloads
to Boston. Give to your Red Cross.
Beg on the highway: please
take my zucchini, I have a crippled
mother at home with heartburn.
Sneak out before dawn to drop
them in other people’s gardens,
in baby buggies at churchdoors.
Shot, smuggling zucchini into
mailboxes, a federal offense.
With a suave reptilian glitter
you bask among your raspy
fronds sudden and huge as
alligators. You give and give
too much, like summer days
limp with heat, thunderstorms
bursting their bags on our heads,
as we salt and freeze and pickle
for the too little to come.
Marge Piercy
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Why-oh-why did Marge Piercy have to put that last line in there????
That is all. My work here is done.
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That poem is wild. And I’ve never gotten that much zucchini in my life! But I’ll report back this year after the pimpin’ begins…
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Nobody wants gourd-distributing-dudes knocking on their door anymore…
So sad
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Zack, I promise…if you were the gourd-distributing-dude, we’d all fling our doors open for you. LOL.
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*blushing*
I’ll be knocking! 😉
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You are so not blushing G-man! That comment from Jenny Jo had high octane boing(!) potential. And, YKWIM.
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I KNOW!! I only left off the IYKWIM to keep him from blushing. 😀
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Okay, true. I wasn’t blushing. I only put it there thinking it’s what a proper guy should do.
*wicked grin* I’m not much of a puritan.
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THAT was your sex ed??! No wonder you love to explore the art of sexy. You’ve got a lot of learning to make up for on the topic. 🙂
The Q-tip method certainly allows you to have more male flowers, that’s for sure. And since I’m aware of the massive amounts of zucchini that can be produced, I try to spread my gift-giving far and wide so no one gets inundated.
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I found out why I had no tomatoes this year. I have a green tomato-lovin-stinkin’ squirrel! I think I got three all season. I did pretty well back in the day with carrots. You might give them a try. For the most part, I just walked through my gardens this year. Next year, I’ll be rolling up my sleeves!
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Ha! I just watched the video! That is so sexy! Oh tickle me baby….
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Phew!
Mine isn’t the only
sex chargedwhack-a-doodle mind got a libido hit in that pollen exchange.ERK! Libido hits from mating flowers? Send help!
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Hahaha! Didn’t you see that flower shudder afterward?
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BAHAHAHA!
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NO!!! Squirrels eat tomatoes? Those rat bastards! I did well with carrots this last season too, and I’m going to try them again. 🙂
And is that vid stellar, or what??
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Woo-hoo! You Cali gals are a wild bunch. But we already knew that. 😉 What if the girl zucchini flowers want their guys to “put a ring on it,” a la Beyonce…maybe they’d settle for a little wine and conversation. Or play some Barry Manilow while swirling that Q-tip.
As far as your feelings of tuber inadequacy, there’s always next year!
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*clutches sides laughing*
I’ve been giggling about this comment all day long, Kathy. Wait until the hubs gets home…Perhaps he’ll channel his inner Barry Manilow IYKWIM. 🙂 🙂
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For grand crops, I hit the farmers’ market! And borrow from gardening pro pals on occasion. 😉 I may try growing a few plants JUST so I can try talking dirty to them. Wish me luck!!
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Think of the songs you could sing to your
hornyfertile little Zucchini dudes, August.Good luck with the dirty talking. I must get back over to the latest GB post to read comments and let my fantasies fly.
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LOL I suddenly want to write a song about Fertile Little Zucchini Dudes, Gloria. 😉
You bring radiant light to GB-land every. Single. Time. Thank you, lovely!
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I think you’d find it quite stress-relieving to grow some plants and talk dirty to them. Try it out, August and we’ll compare notes. 🙂
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I could try it with my dead plants and see if it brings ’em back to life! 😉 #ZombieBoner
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I’ve done the polination thing for years (when I have veggies in my garden), but I’ve never thought of it as pimping my zuchs 😉 Thanks for the image, I think.
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You’re welcome for that image! And you are way ahead of me on the gardening know-how because I had no idea I could even to this. *straightens pimp-daddy hat*
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I’ve found that anything besides grass that germinates in your lawn will undoubtedly fourish.
You could plunge a tuberous spud in your grass (repeat that quickl and see just how naughty it sounds) and you would have yourself a miniature Idaho tater-belt in your yard.
On a serious note, have you tried putting manure in your soil? That shit will make anything grow.
*wink wink*
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I always follow your advice, G-man. So, I did repeat the tuberous spud in your grass line several times.
Nope. Even though it raises the eyebrows and creates all manner of naughty images, I don’t think it will ever make it into the Romance Writers Phrase Book. Just sayin…
“Mmmmm. Baby. Plant that tuberous spud of yours in my grass. Oh, OH, OH!“
[It’s been too long since I got to play double entendre with the G-man in your comments. If that crosses the line? Hmmm. Thinking. All I’ve got is, “Bite me.”]
LOL on your punny take on manure. Clever man.
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No, I don’t think it would make it into the phrase book unless there is a chapter devoted to potato-fetishes.
*bite*
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I like Gloria’s take on your plunging tuberous spud. (Really, it sounds a bit violent.) And we compost so I’m sure some of what goes into my garden is bugshit. However, I haven’t tried actual manure because I usually garden barefoot. I might need to give it a whirl though. I’m completely irked at this missing potato business.
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Now that I think about it, it does sound a little on the rough side. Which, by the way, isn’t a side that I’m even remotely comfortable with.
Try to get some manure directly from a farm if possible. It won’t stink for too long, especially once you till it in. Do you have a tiller? If so, till it with your soil in the spring. Go ahead and still garden barefoot. There is something thera-poo-tic about getting a little excrement-laced soil between your toes.
If that doesn’t excite you, you can always think about what your plants have been living in as you dig in to meal from your garden.
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Zack, I am positive they have your picture next to “helpful” in the dictionary. Or perhaps they’ve moved it next to the poo….
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Poo \,pü, ‘pü – 1. odiferous substance know to be beneficial to the growing of taters, potatoes, and tuberous grass-spuds. 2. The smart-ass in the picture to the left.
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The thing we cannot seem to grow: green peppers. Not sure if it’s a heat issue or a nutrient problem, but our two plants never really grew this year and produced a record crop of 5 peppers.
I’m the world’s laziest gardener. I love the fresh produce (until we’re drowning in it, anyway) but would never have a garden if my husband wasn’t avid about it. He’s the one who gets me to buy and plant in the early summer, and I’m always complaining at the time, then thanking him later. Fortunately, our zucchini manage just fine without anyone pimping beyond the bees, or I wouldn’t be able to complain about how many of those we eat in the summer. Of course, I looked at buying one at the store the other day (we are finally out) and couldn’t bring myself to pay money for something I got free for months. I’ll get over it eventually, when zucchini looks novel again, then we’ll be back to spring and me complaining while my husband goes through the seed catalogs.
I used to live in Ithaca, NY and the joke from there went like this: Why do you lock your car doors in the summer? So you don’t find a bag of zucchini on the back seat.
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LOL…you’re in Colorado now. You must GROW. (More than the ganja, that is.) You are a very nice wife to go through all that you must to keep a garden going, just to make your honey happy.
And you made hubby start cracking up over the idea of zucchini sneaking into the backseat. Did you read Kathy’s poem up above?
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Hi Jenny, potatoes grow in godforsaken soil in Maine and Idaho with lots of rocks and generally crappy fertilization. Put your eyes (the things the pant grows from) in the worst part of your garden and let the b*****ds fight to survive. Zucchini? Every time I’ve planted it I’ve made enemies because I dumped baskets of them on neighbor’s porches. The video was a bit kinky. It was British though and you know.
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See? I’ve been WAY too nice to my spuds. I give them earthworms and great soil. From now on, I’m giving them the nasty clay part of the yard. Maybe under a tree or something. They can fight for their water. *pouts*
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LOLOL! *thinks for minute.* Yup, that’s all I got. LOLOL!
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Let’s see that Pimp Momma Hat, Pauline… 😀
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*bangs spade…yanks hair* LOL! Thanks Monsanto. Yep, we’re missing bees. I can see it now, all of us with our bums in the air, bent over out in the fields, hand pollinating in order to grow our food. Yeah, not a pretty site. And your brother is a brat Jenny. Could it be the difference in soil? You must have some Irish in you. Hand pollinating zucchini. Who would have thought. Although I know they’re doing that will apples over in China. There goes the price of our food. I’ve got to start a garden. Do veggies grow in the shade?
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You can grow in the shade if you buy a grow light to fake out your plants. 🙂 And I have tons of Irish in me (no pun intended) – I thought I’d be a shoo-in for potato growing, but noooooooo. Bastard spuds!
And of course my brother is a brat! I love him, but he’s enough to drive you bonkers some days. The rest of the time, he’s freaking hilarious.
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We always pimp our zucchini and squash, when we have them. We skipped them this year, because of the squash bug invasion of 2012. So sad.
My potatoes failed, too. I had no idea I wasn’t being mean enough to them. Huh.
You just made me realize that I’m way behind on my winter plantings. The beds must be made, IYKWIM.
Good luck with the new crops!
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I’m behind on my winter planting too, Diana. It’s starting to give me guilt. Gotta “lay in those beds” IYKWIM….
p.s. Let me know what your neighbors have to say about your dominatrix outfit when you’re out there whipping your spuds into shape.
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Us city folk just head down to the Fairway, Whole Foods, Trader Joes, or the corner fruit/veggie stand to grab our potatoes! That, or we just order delivery to get our spud fix!
Tater tot anyone?
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LOL…I miss Tater tots!!
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