Porn-Watching Map of the U.S. (Shut the Front Door!)

Hubby and I are dying over this map we saw on Facebook. I wish I could remember who turned us on to it so I could give them credit because this thing made our weekend.

Basically, PornHub has tracked the types of searches people do on this topic (by state) and the amount of time they spend once they get to their…um, “destination.” To the right of the map is a state list so people can click and filter by their own state to get the pertinent info.

I couldn’t wait to share it with y’all for our Monday giggle.

Three things about this map (see below) absolutely slay me:

  1. I can’t believe anyone is tracking this sort of thing. Curse you, PornHub!
  2. I was shocked at what’s popular amongst the porn-watching set. Ex: “New Yorkers prefer ‘college,’ ‘massage’ and ‘MILF'”…Really? (They show the top 3 searches per state in the article if you’re curious.)
  3. Americans get their sexy fix in under 12 minutes. (Mississippi has the highest average watch time at 11 minutes and 59 seconds.) I don’t know about y’all, but I’m just getting on the train in 12 minutes IYKWIM. Apparently, the average American has finished the entire ride and pulled into the station in this same amount of time. (Or less! 11:59 is the “highest watch time.”) Whatever happened to setting the mood?!

PornHub

PornHubTimes

Hot sexy books are my porn, so I’m completely unfamiliar with how this online stuff goes. I had to look up 2-3 of the types the map references to figure out what the hell they were. For a gal whose next book is set in a porn health clinic, this level of ignorance was unacceptable.

So, you know me, I went straight to the Hubs with my questions:

Me: Less than 12 minutes?! How is anyone going to get their sexy on in that time? And look at those New Englanders! They’re like the ‘In and Out Club.’

Him: You don’t have to get someone else excited in that time, you know. It’s only as long as it takes for you.

Me: Hmmmm. You’re telling me YOU can hop on the sexy train and get to the end of the ride in that time?

Him: *exasperated look* It depends on what’s on your mind. Sometimes you might have to browse a little to clear your brain for the train ride.

Me: So you’re saying that porn empties your mind?

Him: That’s what I’m saying.

So there you have it folks, straight from the Hansen House: Porn-watching empties your mind (at least here in America).

Now I’m wondering if they track this sort of thing in the other North American countries or over in Europe. Is there a World Porn Tracker with a map we can scope out? (Americans are competitive creatures, you know.) Y’all know we’ve got enquiring minds here so please share any tidbits or stats you have down in the comments.

Did you scope out the map to see what your state is watching and how long they spend? What surprised you most about the map? And do you also wonder why there’s no results for Utah? Enquiring minds always want to know these things here at More Cowbell!

~ Jenny

Note: Please note that this article is satire, and not an endorsement of any kind.

About Jenny Hansen

Avid seeker of "more"...More words, more creativity, More Cowbell! An extrovert who's terribly fond of silliness. Founding blogger at Writers In The Storm (http://writersinthestormblog.com). Write on!
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40 Responses to Porn-Watching Map of the U.S. (Shut the Front Door!)

  1. The Rider says:

    Naughty there across the ocean!

    Like

  2. KA-SNORT!

    ….New Englanders are… in and out club…

    I almost, almost, ALMOST boinked over to the article, but I know me. I would have spent all day gathering fodder for a novella length comment. You have been spared.

    [Use of the term *boinked* seemed appropriate given the topic]

    I did have to Google a clue on the meaning of MILF. Really? People search for that? I would have thought that would be an in-the-moment treasure hunt of the real life variety. What about Cougars? Hunh? Just because I don’t have children doesn’t mean I’m not….

    Er. Never mind.

    Like

    • Dang! I was SURE I’d closed italics at the end of that parenthetical comment.

      I’m too stubborn to give up on HTML code usage. So, don’t even suggest that as a cure for my Code-Challenged-Comment Syndrome. I’ll ignore you.

      Like

      • Jenny Hansen says:

        If I knew how to fix your italics (and trust me, I tried) I’d totally do this for you. Alas, this is not part of my skill-set…. I’d never ask you to stop, girlie…I envy your HTML comment skill.

        Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      I really think you should give in and boink over to the article, Gloria. It was amazing to me what all these people are watching. And the link to Iceland’s choice of porn? Gurk!!!

      Like

    • filbio says:

      Wait, you didn’t know what MILF meant? If you had kids you would surely be one!

      Cougar for sure! Jenny has some fine blogger lady friends here.

      I better move along now before I get myself into more trouble….

      Like

    • I’m with Phil…. surprised you didn’t know what MILF meant. Have you never watched American Pie? If not, you should. You’ll never look at pie or aging quite the same way again…LOL!

      Like

  3. K.B. Owen says:

    What a way to kick off our Monday, Jenny! Woo-woo! All aboard!

    I notice the Texans are a very efficient bunch. By the time the Mississipians are done, those from the Lone Star state are on their second Marlborough.

    Thanks for the fun! Hope your porn clinic research takes you to all sorts of interesting places.😉

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      I absolutely screamed with laughter over this: “By the time the Mississipians are done, those from the Lone Star state are on their second Marlborough.”

      Y’all are slaying me this morning with the comments section!

      Like

  4. Jenny, thank you for a very needed Monday laugh! Those New Englanders are quick, aren’t they!?!?! But, since I live in New York, I guess I should say, “Mood? Schmood!” I have to say, because the day job is at a university, the word choice for NY is a little unsettling–but then I guess it’s better than clown sex.😉

    Like

  5. The fact that you had to put this at the end of your article…

    Note: Please note that this article is satire, and not an endorsement of any kind.

    …tells me that there are lot of people out there who might find the quality of their lives improved by some “alone time” in front of the computer IYKWIM😉

    Like

  6. Piper Bayard says:

    LOL. I grew up in the SW and sort of figured the map would look like this, except for the Utah thing. Something fishy there.

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Between Utah with a big blank and their two neighbors viewing Anita Queen (had to look it up) in Nevada and smoking porn in Wyoming (blurg), I’m thinking there’s something fishy about that entire stretch.

      Like

  7. This was the perfect start to a Monday morning. And I agree with you – my train rides are MUCH longer😉

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  8. VERY interesting, indeed! I laughed so much because my cousins just got back from Iceland and said that everything there is so clean, people are so kind, polite, etc. Hee,hee. I can’t wait to forward them the Iceland porn map!🙂

    Like

  9. Oooo!!! I so hope there’s a “destination” in my near future!!! And preferably not the alone type. 😀

    Like

  10. tomwisk says:

    I “porned out” in the eighties. There was a bar run by a gent named Fat Louie. He sat at the end of the bar next to a VCR machine and played porn tapes from eleven until six when he went home. The tapes ran the gamut from nice civilized porn to exotic foreign porn. I couldn’t get it. I always believed that another person next to you was necessary to reach your destination. A solo trip now and again isn’t bad but don’t make a habit of it. For on-line written porn try Literotica. I was raised Catholic and the preached celibacy and avoidance of porno. We all know how that worked out. Wrapping up, solo sex is lonely business and sometimes porn can be used as a prompt before “taking the trip”. I’m just old fashioned.

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      I am dying over the fact that there was a bar with porn running every night. I can’t imagine such a place.

      And trust me, Tom, there is NOTHING wrong with being old-fashioned. I lean that direction myself.🙂

      Like

  11. Maria Powers says:

    I was thinking that maybe the quickness of the trip was because people were already on the train and just needed a push into their destination. Hard to determine the cause and effect on these types of maps. {wink}

    Like

  12. filbio says:

    Being a NYC guy I can agree on some of what this survey says. Heck, there are some hot MILF’s out there so I can’t deny that fact on this! Not that I have ever really watched or searched for porn on my computer. Or phone. No, not me. Sweet innocent me.

    Lord knows I don’t know how Pornhub got bookmarked on my computer either……

    Like

  13. Am I the only one who 1) had to Google what MILF means? And 2) who thought you were referring to YOUR husband as PornHub? Nice to know that Michiganders aren’t at the bottom of the train ride list. Just under eleven minutes. Sounds like a sex marathon to me.😀😀😀

    Like

  14. Okay, so I transplanted from IL to FL…and with the exception of the order of the top 3 (creampie, teen and MILF) there weren’t really a whole lot of differences…except that apparently IL prefers their teens to be in college and FL spends more time getting to know their hands.

    Having said that…anyone else wonder how MILF and teen can be in the same top 3? Talk about opposite ends of the spectrum. And just to clarify for both Kristy and Gloria…creampie is not a reference to any sort of pastry center.😉

    Like

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