5 Bacon-Themed Gifts To Add More Pork To Your Life

Everywhere you look these days, it’s bacon…bacon…bacon. My own brother, the Bag Whore, thinks bacon deserves its own holiday.

And don’t get me wrong, I love bacon and could eat it daily. But really, people? Bacon sunscreen? Bacon wallets? Baconnaise? Blurg. Some of these entrepreneurs have taken their bacon-themed products to a whole new level.

However, we’re all about the Cowbell here. And I did see five bacon items that rang high on the sizzle-scale for creative, unusual, or just plain naughty.

Photo from EverythingsFunny.orgBacon Ice Cube Trays

These little darlings can even double (and triple) as a candy/candle/soap mold.

This was on Amazon earlier this summer as the Sizzlin’ Summer Bacon Shaped Ice Cube Tray but they’re now out of stock. That being said, the bidding is hot and heavy at eBay (click the link above if you MUST have one of these babies).

Product Description:

Silicone mold is perfect for your party needs. Has 7 resevoirs for candy, ice, soap, wax, jell-o. Measures 8 1/4″x3 1/2″ and each resevoir is approx 2 1/4″ long. Not for dishwasher.

Bacon Strips Band-Aids

Bacon - BandAidIf I’ve just burned, cut, mashed, or otherwise maimed my finger, I don’t want to look down and see raw meat wrapped around it.

Call me squeamish but that would creep me out.

Product Description:

Ouch. That smarts. Treat your minor cuts, scrapes and scratches with the incredible healing power of a designer bandage.

And if a fancy bandage isn’t enough to dry up your tears, how about a free toy. (Jenny Note: Does this toy vibrate? Cuz THAT might cheer me up if I just sliced myself. I’m just sayin…)

Each 3-3/4″ (9.5 cm) tall metal pocket tin contains twenty-five 3″ x 3/4″ (7.6 cm x 1.9 cm) adhesive bandages and a small plastic trinket to help make even the ouchiest owies feel all better in no time.

Bacon - Tactical_BassProTactical Bacon

My pal, Piper Bayard, turned me on to this one.

She was out shopping at some undisclosed location in Colorado and there was the Tac Back. It’s available on Amazon (hello…what isn’t?) however, the cheapest pricing I’ve seen online is at Bass Pro Shops.

Product description:

Its Tactical Bacon in a can. Fully cooked and fully prepared. 10+ year shelf life. Perfect for camping, hunting, zombie standoffs, end of the world scenarios etc. Don’t be caught without Tac Back. Now with more better grammar.

Just one more must-have addition to your Zombie Survival Kit…

Bacon Condoms

Sorry, bacon-lovers. You might have the best equipment ever, but no gal is gonna get her sizzle on looking at Mr. Johnson disguised as a slab of bacon. Not even with the special scent of product #5 (see below).

Available from J&D Foods, the makers of Baconnaise, Bacon Salt and Bacon-scented sunscreen, the slogan for Bacon Condoms is: “Make your meat look like meat.”

You can get a package of three for $9.99. But my advice? Just say NO.

Still, I must give credit where it’s due…Bacon - CondomsJ&D’s marketing and packaging is brilliant! There were articles on this product everywhere…from the Huffington Post to the UK Metro News.

I adored the Metro’s opening to their article:

If you fancy a bit of breakfast in bed then the new bacon flavoured condom may be right up your street. J & D’s Foods has decided to follow up its successful bacon lubricant with another product they say is not a porky. The Seattle based company is apparently serious this time round despite the lubricant having been intended as a previous April Fool’s joke.

Product Description:

J&D’s Bacon Condoms™ are proudly Made in America of the highest quality latex. Every Bacon Condom has been rigorously tested to help ensure reliability and the utmost safety for when you’re makin’ Bacon.

As an added bonus, J&D’s baconlube™ ultra premium water based meat flavored personal lubricant has been generously applied inside and out for an even more hot pork experience.

FACT – Each year 5 billion condoms are sold worldwide, 450 million in the US alone and exactly zero look, feel or taste like Bacon – until now.

Which leads us to the final “OhDearLord” bacon item I’ve found…

Bacon - Lube_AmazonBaconLube

I don’t know about you, but I just can’t get excited about “Bacon Flavored Personal Lubricant & Massage Oil.”

Breakfast and Bacon? I’m your girl.

Lube and bacon?? Not so much…

Product Description:

You’ve always been a lover of bacon! Now you can be a bacon lover with baconlube, the world’s first bacon-flavored massage oil & personal lubricant. No more Horrifying bedroom experiments with bacon grease or 3rd degree skillet massage burns. Just keep it Sizzlin with baconlube!

I don’t know about you, but I wasn’t having any “horrifying bedroom experiments.” (None that involved bacon grease or 3rd degree skillet massage burns anyway.)

Their description leads me to believe that their testing group members were great candidates for the Darwin Awards.

Which of the above products is your favorite? Do you have another one to add to our list? Have you bought any of these already so you can give us a product review? Enquiring minds LOVE to know these things here at More Cowbell!

~ Jenny

p.s. I hope all of you in the States are having a marvelous long holiday weekend!

About Jenny Hansen

Avid seeker of "more"...More words, more creativity, More Cowbell! An extrovert who's terribly fond of silliness. Founding blogger at Writers In The Storm (http://writersinthestormblog.com). Write on!
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29 Responses to 5 Bacon-Themed Gifts To Add More Pork To Your Life

  1. Laura Drake says:

    Oh wow. You had me right up to bacon condoms. And I’m sorry, but WHAT is that yellow stuff in the lube bottle? NO! NO! I didn’t ask that out loud! No one tell me – really!

    Like

    • I don’t know what that yellow stuff is made of, Laura, but I suspect it’s reserved for use on The Sweet Spot.

      When you titled your first book, did you have any clue how many bada-bing(!) doors you would open for me? No? Well, I thank you anyway. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

      Oooooh! Since that line reminds me of Griswald’s Jelly-of-the-Month club…

      A new marketing opportunity looms. The flavor of the month club in personal lubricants! Dibs on the idea! Off to seek venture capitalists. Toodles.

      Like

      • Jenny Hansen says:

        The funnest part about “The Sweet Spot” for me, Gloria, (besides the bada-bing factor) is that’s the only one of Laura’s titles Grand Central kept. I’m SURE it was the naughty factor…

        Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      I had you up to there??! Dang girl…I didn’t even have myself for any of these products. This was a total tongue in cheek one, IYKWIM…

      Like

  2. Cate Russell-Cole says:

    And I thought bacon scented candles were a bit much. They have outdone that one… not for me…. thanks.

    Like

  3. …Every Bacon Condom has been rigorously tested to help ensure reliability and the utmost safety for when you’re makin’ Bacon.

    How? Every single one of these Bacon Condoms has been rigorously tested? How? By whom? On whom or what? Do they have to pass a stress test? Who has the job of rolling these things back up after testing? How do they get them back to their original shape and elasticity?

    Is the customer service line prepared to answer these questions for the wanna-be-bacon-sated?

    Gives a whole to new meaning to Bacon wrapped hotdog, or (for the OMGs) an oversized manly-man brat?

    Has Anthony Wiener been alerted to this new and fresh material for his twiener tweets?

    That’s all I’ve got. For now.

    Like

    • That was my question, too, Gloria. I posted it in my comment below BEFORE I had read all of the other comments.

      Used, bacon flavored condoms, how absolutely yummy.

      Patricia Rickrode

      Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      You ladies are KILLING me today. Absolutely slaying me with laughter. I read these comments and had people looking at me like “What could possibly be so damn funny on her phone??”

      Like

  4. Julie Glover says:

    I’d been saying, “Everything’s better with bacon,” but I now see the foolishness of that statement. My intimate life WILL NOT be improved by the introduction of bacon into my marital bedroom. No. Thank. You.

    For the time being, bacon shall stay where it belongs–in the kitchen or in my arteries.

    Like

  5. aerobabe619 says:

    I was just saying on FB,i must have missed something,bacon is all the rage now.My daughter just got cupcakes with bacon in them,and sprinkled on top ( yuk). I think i’ll sit this fad out,but hey everybody has their favorite food. I guess,im more a veggie girl. I love your post however.As always ,written so well. xo

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      I don’t get the bacon-flavored pastries either, Cheri. Truly. My sis will tell me about bacon this or bacon that in items that were consumed and I just can’t get excited about any bacon that’s not crispy and FOR BREAKFAST.

      Thanks for the post compliments. I deeply appreciate them.🙂

      Like

  6. filbio says:

    Hey, my friends and I have known about bacon condoms and bacon lube for years now. Not that I have ever used them for personal use. No, really. Maybe once. Just the fact of knowing they are out there makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. I fully endorse this post!

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Oh My God, Phil! Y’all have used these?!

      Are they slippery? Smelly? Is it bizarre to look down and see what looks like raw bacon wrapped around your business? Does it kill the mood? Enhance it? What do the gals say?

      I am just full of questions on this topic.😀

      Like

  7. Well now, there’s some ingenious products. I just have one question about the bacon flavored condoms. The product description says (and I’m quoting your quote above so I can only assume you’ve done your research and this is a true product description):

    “Every Bacon Condom has been rigorously tested to help ensure reliability and the utmost safety for when you’re makin’ Bacon.”

    If “every condom has been rigorously tested,” does that mean I’m going to be buying already used condoms? Cuz, that’s what the product description says. If that’s the case, I’ll take 10 boxes, because nothing turns me on more than an already used condom, especially if it’s slathered in bacon.

    The stuff you find is priceless, simply priceless.

    Patricia Rickrode
    w/a Jansen Schmidt

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      I think it’s HYSTERICAL that three of you had the exact same first thought!! Great minds here at More Cowbell. Great minds…

      And Patricia, I rarely find anything. People actually SEND me this stuff.🙂

      Like

  8. I’ve got nothing that everyone else hasn’t already addressed. Nothing like potentially using lard lube to make a person throw up in their mouth a little and decide to go completely dry instead. *shudders*

    Like

  9. tomwisk says:

    Bacon scented condoms and lube, Holy Pig Squat. I just finished a BLT on challah (seriously non-kosher) with garden fresh a garden fresh tomato. The bacon was cut off the slab on Saturday morning, the challah was fresh from the bakery and the lettuce was as fresh as it could be. Your post has maybe put a halt to anymore bacon products. Especially condoms, you’re not supposed to taste them? Maybe the lube.

    Like

  10. K.B. Owen says:

    I’m with Gloria! The first thing I wondered…how does one “rigorously test” a bacon condom? LOL!😀 I’m a bacon gal for sure, but these products even give me pause!

    Like

  11. Piper Bayard says:

    Baconlube, bacon condoms . . . because everyone wants to sleep with a pig.

    Thanks so much for the shout out. My personal belief is that the bacon craze is a subtle response to PC. Thanks for the smiles.🙂

    Like

  12. Baconlube? Nooooo…… Nooooo….. LOL

    Like

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