Take Out The Trash: Throwing Away Shame

Photo from http://DrAlisonGrimston.com

I read two posts that stopped me in my tracks this week. I mean that in a good way. These posts made me stop, examine and ponder…about shame.

Shame is a huge thing in my books, and it’s almost never conscious.

I’ll go exploring my chapters for themes, to make sure I’m “bringing it home.” Every time I go in, thinking this time I’ve branched out in new and amazing ways. I turn the story in a few different directions and really hold it up to the light.

And there at the root, hiding in the dark spaces no one likes to talk about, rests the root of all evil: Shame.

You want to know what I hate most about this emotion?

Shame is learned. Shame is fed to our children like porridge by every media outlet we possess. Shame is the psychic peanut butter slathered on by peers and parents alike.

Some of them mean to do it, but most of them don’t.

The first post was on Freshly Pressed: How To Talk To Your Daughter About Her Body.

And as I read, I thought about how often I have said or done these things myself. How often I’ve bonded with other women over our body flaws. Then I pondered how much I DON’T want to pass that behavior on to my daughter.

Excerpt from the post:

Don’t you dare talk about how much you hate your body in front of your daughter, or talk about your new diet. In fact, don’t go on a diet in front of your daughter. Buy healthy food. Cook healthy meals. But don’t say “I’m not eating carbs right now.” Your daughter should never think that carbs are evil, because shame over what you eat only leads to shame about yourself.

The other article,  Rape Exchange, was from one of my Triberr pals, Andi-Roo:

Excerpt from Andi’s post:

I wrote “Rape Exchange” in the middle of the night after reading a poem about another girl’s experience. The poem itself — “Rape Joke” by Patricia Lockwood — is staggering in its powerful display of emotions held in check, its tongue in cheek approach, and its {dare I say it?} sense of humor.

I hate it. It’s gorgeous and it made me cry and laugh. It made me feel. I don’t enjoy when that happens. I’d rather be a rock, or an island — for “a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries” {Simon & Garfunkel}.

I capped off this trifecta with August McLaughlin’s Body Image PSA. August just had a Self Discovery/Self-Recovery Party on Facebook last night and we all talked a lot about body image, emotional eating and yes, you guessed it…the shame it leads to.

Here’s August’s video (also her book In Her Shadow is FREE on Kindle for one more day!):

The Bing Dictionary says the following about shame:

shame

 [ shaym ]

1. negative emotion: a negative emotion that combines feelings of dishonor, unworthiness, and embarrassment
2. capacity to feel unworthy: the capacity or tendency to feel shame
3. state of disgrace: a state of disgrace or dishonor

Synonyms: disgrace, embarrassment, dishonor, humiliation, indignity, ignominy, infamy

 

From the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders:

Shame is an emotion in which the self is perceived as defective, unacceptable, or fundamentally damaged. Shame is often confused with guilt, which is a related but distinct emotion in which a specific behavior is viewed as unacceptable or wrong, rather than the entire self.

People who experience traumatic events are prone to shame, particularly if they blame themselves for the event. Shame can be a particularly problematic emotion because it is associated with a desire to hide, disappear, or even die.

Hide…disappear…die? Holy cowbell, these are the last emotions I want my daughter to feel about herself.

Since it’s up to me to lead by example, obviously it’s time to take out some of my own trash and make sure that the message I’m giving her is esteem-building. Hubs and I already try to focus on praising her for being smart or funny or strong, rather than for how she looks.

After reading these posts and watching August’s video, it occurs to me that the best thing I can do for my child is to apply those same rules to myself.

How are you on the shame-o-meter? Do you fight with self-esteem? What are the esteem-builders that have worked well for you? What advice do you have about building self-esteem in others? Enquiring minds LOVE to know these things here at More Cowbell!

Jenny