5 Pounds of Intestinal Armageddon – on sale for $20!

Haribo SugarlessThe last Amazon review I referenced here at the blog had us all howling for weeks.

[Click here if you missed the post about Veet Hair Removal for Men.]

Yesterday, Kristy K. James sent me a freaking hilarious review for Haribo Sugarless Gummy Bears. I laughed myself silly on and off for at least an hour. Then I put together this post to share with y’all, and started cracking up again.

I promised you your Monday giggle and it has taken me until Friday to give it to you.

Here is a delightful excerpt of this stellar review by C. Torok:

Oh man…words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear “Cleanse”. If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN!

First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety…I was a happy camper.

BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of  these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I’ve ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare.

I’ve had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in  the park compared to what was going on inside me.

Then came the, uh,  flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell…the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn’t stand  to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.

But wait; there’s more.

What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond) as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.

AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS.

I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.

I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands.

Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying.

Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were exaggerating. She took them to work, since there was still 99% of a 5 pound bag left.

She works for a construction company, where there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers, etc. Lots of people who general have limited access to toilets on a given day. I can’t imagine where all of those poor men (and women) pooped that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs, crossing their legs and trying to decide if they can make it down the ladder, or if they should just jump.

If you order these, best of luck to you. And please, don’t post a video review during the aftershocks.

***************

[Go ahead and clean up that keyboard. I’ll wait.]

The review below this one is titled “Gastrointestinal Armageddon.” Others have grooviness like “Not your normal gummy” and “Colon Cleanse.” Pretty much all of them are worth a gander.

I had to step a-w-a-a-a-y from the Amazon after about 20 minutes cuz I about peed myself.

Have you seen any giggle-worthy reviews lately? What’s your favorite part of this one? Do you have sugarless snacking favorites that don’t result in gastrointestinal wars? Enquiring minds always love to know these things here at More Cowbell!

~Jenny

About Jenny Hansen

Avid seeker of "more"...More words, more creativity, More Cowbell! An extrovert who's terribly fond of silliness. Founding blogger at Writers In The Storm (http://writersinthestormblog.com). Write on!
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20 Responses to 5 Pounds of Intestinal Armageddon – on sale for $20!

  1. SHUT THE FRONT BACK DOOR!

    “…There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005…”

    I have tears running down my cheeks. (Yes. The cheeks on my face. Thanks for asking.)

    This is So Freaking Funny.

    Have you seen those ads on the side of your screen; the ones that say things like “Plastic Surgeons HATE New Jersey Mom. Learn how she lost 478.6 wrinkles with this one easy trick!”

    I see this on my sidebar soon:

    “Spa Owners hate Haribo Bears. Lower Podunk Male discovers cheap, effective replacement for Hydrocolonic Coffee Cleanse treatments.”

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Gloria, that was my favorite line too. (Kristy’s was the Niagara Falls through a straw.) But I just fell about in giggles when I read that line.

      And it sounds like this product *could* be the new “cleanse”….if you dare!

      Like

  2. Laura Drake says:

    Oh My God. There’s nothing more to say.

    Like

  3. K.B. Owen says:

    Holy crap! Ahem.😉

    I couldn’t help but think of Howard’s mom from Big Bang Theory, when she’s doing her prep for a colonoscopy: “It’s like an upside-down volcano in here!”

    You find the best stuff, Jenny! Thanks for the grins!😀

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      LOL, Kathy. You keep tempting me to watch Big Bang Theory. I hear the best stuff about that show.🙂

      And you’re welcome for the grins…I hope you share them with Paul this weekend!

      Like

    • Giggling at 5:59 a.m. over that line volcano line from the Big Bang Theory, K.B.!

      Jenny *glancing up at your picture* (blog-jackers know chit like where our comment will land)…

      You DO have a DVD player, right? Little Bean hasn’t been denied access to Dora the Explorer, right? When I get The Cowbell, we’ll take a trip to Best Buy and purchase some of those season episodes.

      Like

  4. Holy crap! (IYKWIM) Another reason to be grateful for full knowledge of my intolerance for any artificial sweetener.🙂
    I’ve been enjoying George Takei’s product reviews, which he shares on his Facebook page as he adds them.😀

    Like

  5. Cory Imhof says:

    Those gummy bears should be prescription only from a gastroenterologist!! Best way to prep for your colonoscopy.
    “Congratulations grandma they now come in mixed fruity flavors, making your colonoscopy prep a fun and fruity experience!”

    Like

  6. Too funny, Jennifer. Thank goodness I wasn’t drinking anything while reading.

    Like

  7. tomwisk says:

    Loved the review. If only I could verbalize the bad experiences I’ve had that graphically yet humorously. The upside? Now I have a remedy for those days when things don’t come out just right. And a gift for that “special” person in my life.

    Like

  8. filbio says:

    Excuse me while I grab some napkins to wipe off the coffee that just shot out of my nose onto my computer screen! Holy Hell this was funny!!!

    Now I know there is something better than White Castle that can act as Human Drain-O!

    I will never eat a gummy bear normally again thanks to this post.

    Oh, and you have to catch up on Big Bang Theory as it’s a great show!

    Like

  9. Debra Eve says:

    I’ve read some hilarious Amazon reviews but this one takes it, Jenny! My favorite: “It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste.” Delicate starfish? Since when is an a**hole a delicate starfish? Help me, but that’s almost inspired writing.

    Like

  10. LOLOL! Um, I know why it happened. Some sugar free products use a sort of alcohol that yeah, is a total cleanse. I can’t believe they ate that many! Hubs dietician warned us about sugar-free. Not all of them do that. I can’t remember which ingredient it is, though. LOL But yeah, approach sugar free with extreme caution!

    Like

  11. poo has never been so funny. Thanks Jenny!

    Like

  12. Pingback: Satan’s Diarrhea Hate Bears | The Mind of Brosephus

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