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Yesterday, Kristy K. James sent me a freaking hilarious review for Haribo Sugarless Gummy Bears. I laughed myself silly on and off for at least an hour. Then I put together this post to share with y’all, and started cracking up again.
I promised you your Monday giggle and it has taken me until Friday to give it to you.
Here is a delightful excerpt of this stellar review by C. Torok:
Oh man…words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear “Cleanse”. If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN!
First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety…I was a happy camper.
BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I’ve ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare.
I’ve had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.
Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell…the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn’t stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.
But wait; there’s more.
What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond) as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.
AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS.
I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.
I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands.
Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying.
Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were exaggerating. She took them to work, since there was still 99% of a 5 pound bag left.
She works for a construction company, where there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers, etc. Lots of people who general have limited access to toilets on a given day. I can’t imagine where all of those poor men (and women) pooped that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs, crossing their legs and trying to decide if they can make it down the ladder, or if they should just jump.
If you order these, best of luck to you. And please, don’t post a video review during the aftershocks.
[Go ahead and clean up that keyboard. I’ll wait.]
The review below this one is titled “Gastrointestinal Armageddon.” Others have grooviness like “Not your normal gummy” and “Colon Cleanse.” Pretty much all of them are worth a gander.
I had to step a-w-a-a-a-y from the Amazon after about 20 minutes cuz I about peed myself.
Have you seen any giggle-worthy reviews lately? What’s your favorite part of this one? Do you have sugarless snacking favorites that don’t result in gastrointestinal wars? Enquiring minds always love to know these things here at More Cowbell!