What NEVER to Say on the First Date

Photo: Melinda Van Lone ~ WANA Commons

My single pals have given us hours of entertainment here on More Cowbell and spawned blog titles like:

• A Tool-Tilting Cup of Coffee
• When Dates Should Come With a Warning Label
• Embarrassing Dating Moments, Part 2: Jane’s Sad Tale of Naked Woe

And my fave of all faves: Alicia and Mr. Frigid. She made me laugh so hard, recounting this last night, I had to share it with you again. (It’s been a few years.)

You can probably tell, my gal-pals are all starting to believe that the current dating pool is looking more like a cesspool.

Still, every time a new low is reached, I’m shocked. 

I mean, don’t we all try to bring our “A-Game” to a date? Dress up a little. Comb our hair. Check our teeth for debris. ACT NICE!

Am I alone on this one, all you current and previous daters in my posse?

Y’all are some of the best peeps around and I value your opinion. So I ask you, would you continue a date like this? (Or would you drop-kick the person back to their car?)

Pertinent Facts:

#1 – My gal-pal, Alicia, met this prize specimen on Match.com. (He was also on Plenty of Fish.)

#2 – Their first date was a movie date. (A huge no-no in my opinion.)

Why?

a) You don’t get to talk (unless you want people like me to shush you).

b) The armrest. If the date hogs it or gets grabby, it’s curtains for the date.

c) Movie food. The prices are outrageous. I at least want an umbrella in my drink for those rates.

In case no one ever shared the list with you, the elements of a great date are:

1. Well planned
2. Rich in variety
3. Full of conversation
4. Shouldn’t be pricy

Looking at this list, you can see why a movie on the first date is almost always a bad idea.

So back to the heinous Mr. Match…here’s a play-by play (and my commentary).

After the movie (which he talked all the way through), Mr. Match asks, “So what do you want to do now?”

Alicia says: “There’s a Starbucks near here. We can go get some coffee.”

“I don’t like Starbucks,” he answered. “Starbucks is too expensive.”

She bit back a sigh and said, “What would you like to do?”

“Let’s go have a drink. I saw a Macaroni Grill down the street.” She agreed to meet him there.

When they arrived at the restaurant, he said, “I don’t want to have dinner. Let’s sit in the bar.”

“Fine,” she said and tried not to cringe when he yelled out, “Garçon” and waved the bartender over. While they waited for said bartender to work his way to them, Mr. Match says, “I hope he brings some chips and salsa. I’m hungry.”

“I don’t think they have chips and salsa here.”

“What kind of Mexican restaurant doesn’t have chips and salsa?”

Oh hell, thought Alicia. I have GOT to get home. “This is an Italian restaurant.”

“You don’t have chips and salsa?” He asked the bartender when he approached them, then bitched when “all he could get was bread.”

Alicia was starting to feel a little bitchy herself and began her calculations to bring the date to a close. She promised herself she’d go after one drink and ordered a glass of wine. When the bartender poured a generous portion, she sighed with relief.

Mr. Match began discussing her choice before the bartender was three feet away. “Why didn’t you get Chardonnay if you want to drink white wine.”

“I like Sauvignon Blanc.”

“But Chardonnay goes better with this bread.”

“REALLY? What makes you think that?” She fought to keep a straight face and downed a big slug of her drink.

He looked down his nose at her. “I read it somewhere.” Picking up the folder that contained the drink list, he flipped to the page that detailed the wine. “Lookee here, they have Gnarly Head Chardonnay and Kendall Jackson. Maybe you should get one of those instead.

She stared at her glass, which was already half empty, and said, “I’m fine.”

In response, Mr. Match waved his hand toward the bartender again. “Garçon!”

She lost it and yanked his arm down. “Please stop. I said I was fine.”

He looked down at her hand, then back up at her. “Maybe you need another drink,” he said in a huff. “Because you seem kind of frigid to me.”

Alicia dropped a ten dollar bill on the bar and stood. “Thank you for the movies,” she said and began moving toward the exit.

She glanced back when she was almost at the door to make sure he wasn’t following her and saw Mr. Match sampling her wine.

I told her she was nicer than me…I’d have had to cut him loose after he talked all the way through the movie. Certainly I’d have been contemplating violence at the very first “Garçon!”

[By the time he critiqued my wine, I’d have been thinking about where I’d hide the body.]

What are your thoughts about online dating? Have you or your friends tried online dating? Were the results positive or negative? Do you have any advice for my gal-pals? Enquiring minds always want to know here at More Cowbell!

Jenny