The Undie Chronicles: How To Avoid The Dreaded “Monkey Butt”

Those of you who are new to More Cowbell might have missed The Undie Chronicles. If you’re trying to keep track, this is Volume 14.

The regular posse here knows: When the Undie-verse speaks, we will always listen.

Today I have a special guest: Laura Drake from Writers In The Storm. (If you’ve never been to WITS, you’re missing out!) She made me laugh so hard when she told me about Biker Undies that I had to have her come share her story with you.

As usual, my comments are throughout the post in pink.

Biker Undies and Avoiding the Dreaded “Monkey Butt”
by Laura Drake

I’ve been known to be a bit. . .obsessive. Really.

I wrote until I got published, even though it took me 16 years and 413 rejections. I embody Stephen Pressfield’s quote: I keep going until I get a ‘yes’ or a restraining order. I turned my obsession for Professional bull riding into a three book series.

But today, I’m here to talk about another obsession of mine, a fun one: Motorcycling.

I rode 100,000 miles behind my husband before I learned to ride my own motorcycle. Now I’ve put 100,000 miles on my own two bikes; Elvis and Sting.

"Biker Mama" Laura on Elvis...

“Biker Mama” Laura on Elvis…

But I’m not one to throw a leg over and ride over to the local bar. Nope, not obsessive little me.

I ride 300 – 500 miles a day so I can see more of the world. On one memorable occasion, rode from Southern Cal to El Paso, TX (a total of 785 miles). I rode so much, I had to stand up through dinner.

Which leads me to the condition we mentioned in the title:

Riding a lot of miles without the right gear can cause problems. The worst of these is (wait for it) MONKEY BUTT.

Monkey ButtYou think I’m kidding, but this is the technical term for a major problem. Would YOU like to have your backside feeling or looking like that photo?

And it’s not only just sitting in one place for 8-10 hours.  You know the elastic around the legs of your tighty-whities? They tattoo your butt after 200 miles.

They bind, and pull the thin skin at the front of your thighs. It hurts like a mama bear.

This is a problem for men as well as women. That rolled material on men’s tighties feels like sitting on a rope after awhile (or so I’ve heard.)

What about wearing boxers, instead? My hubby, Alpha Dog, tried that. They were too loose, and the legs would bunch up. Things dangled, and generally got in the way, making for aching. And after a romantic day of riding, I’m looking forward to hotel sex, and aching dangling parts don’t bode well for my evening. (IYKWIM…)

SOMETHING had to be done.

We tried Monkey Butt Powder. (Shut the front door! I can’t believe this stuff exists.) It didn’t solve the problem.

Geesh! What DOESN'T Amazon sell... ($7.64)

Geesh! What DOESN’T Amazon sell… ($7.64)

First I turned to my Undie Goddess pal, Jenny, but all she did was laugh. (Damn right I did. This is funny stuff.)

So I did a Google search for ‘Motorcycling Underwear.’ The first results weren’t what I was looking for:

biker_chick_classic_thong biker_up_womens_boy_brief  spank_me_baby_classic_thong

Then I happened upon the solution:

Riding_Apparel_Evportr_Ans_detail

Biker Undies.

They don’t bunch. They wick away moisture. And NO butt tattoos.  I’m not saying that after 12 hours+ in the saddle, you won’t have monkey butt, but I can live with it in undies like these.

So, it’s your turn.  Ever ridden a motorcycle? Ever want to try? Have you ever had the dreaded Monkey Butt? (You can get it from more than motorcycling, you know.) Enquiring minds LOVE to know these things here at More Cowbell!

~ Jenny

********************

I can vouch that Laura’s books are just as fabulous as she is (and not just because she’s my critique partner). Don’t believe me? Here’s her letter to readers:

Dear Readers:

Who can resist a cowboy?

Not me. Especially a bull rider, who has the courage to get on two thousand pounds of attitude that wants to throw him in the dirt and dance on his dangling parts. But you don’t need to be familiar with rodeo to enjoy The Sweet Spot. It’s an emotional story first, about two people dealing with real-life problems, and rediscovering love at the end of a long dirt road.

To introduce you to Charla Rae Denny, the heroine of The Sweet Spot, I thought I’d share with you her list of life lessons:

  1. Before you throw your Ex off your ranch, be sure you know how to run it.
  2. A Goth-Dolly Parton look-alike can make a great friend. And dumpster monkeys are helpful, too.
  3. Next time, start a hardware store instead of a bucking bull business – the stock doesn’t try to commit suicide every few minutes.
  4. “Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too near” ~Helen Rowland
  5. If you’re the subject of the latest gossip-fest, stay away from the Clip-n-Curl.
  6. Life is full of second chances, if you can get over yourself enough to grab them.
  7. “To forgive is to set a prisoner free, and discover that the prisoner is you” ~Louis B. Smede

I hope you’ll enjoy The Sweet Spot, and look for JB and Charla in the next two books in the series!

Get The Sweet Spot:
On Amazon
On Barnes & Noble
On KOBO

About Laura

Laura Drake BioLaura Drake is a city girl, who never grew out of her tomboy ways, or a serious cowboy crush. She writes both Women’s Fiction and Romance. The Sweet Spot, the first novel in her, ‘Sweet on a Cowboy’ Series, is out from Grand Central. Her ‘biker-chick’ novel, Her Road Home, will be released August 1, 2013.

Laura resides in Southern California, though she aspires to retirement in Texas. She gave up the corporate CFO gig to write full time. She’s a wife, grandmother, and motorcycle chick in the remaining waking hours.

Laura can be found on Twitter, Facebook, her website or at Writers In The Storm.

About Jenny Hansen

Avid seeker of "more"...More words, more creativity, More Cowbell! An extrovert who's terribly fond of silliness. Founding blogger at Writers In The Storm (http://writersinthestormblog.com). Write on!
This entry was posted in Humor, Undie Chronicles and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

87 Responses to The Undie Chronicles: How To Avoid The Dreaded “Monkey Butt”

  1. First….

    Ya’ had to do it, didn’t you? You had to put a picture up there of something The Cowbell might need during her adventures in Texas. Motorcycles aren’t the only source of Monkey Butt. I may have plans for The Cowbell to get up-close-and-personal with some bull(s) while she’s here. It’s the Anti Monkey Butt Powder that’s making my fingers itch for a stroll to The Amazon.

    Laura? Your letter from Charla Rae Denny rocked!

    I hopped over to purchase *The Sweet Spot* before I commented. I plan to buy the paperback, too, so I can hound you mercilessly for a personalized signature when you’re in Texas.

    No need to prepare in advance. I’ll tell you what to write. No worries. Really.*Miss Behaving Grin*

    [Gotta love a book title with a double entendre power punch. I get trills of non PG-13 glee from the title alone. IYKWIM]

    I need a running buddy for what I plan. Yes. I’m willing to make a fool of myself alone in public, but it’s more fun to also embarrass a friend in the process. Any “takers” in the More Cowbell posse?

    Like

    • Hey, Jenny Jo! *I haven’t yet settled on my blog theme and tagline.* That Miss Behaving off-the-cuff is pinging my “what if” buttons. What do you think?

      [*Don’t tell Kristen. I’m a WANA112 grad. You do the math.]

      Tagline could be a twist on the quote…”Well behaved women rarely make history” or I could stick with Natalie Hartford’s (which she graciously gave me permission to steal): Be yourself…everyone else is already taken.

      Like

      • Jenny Hansen says:

        Oh. My. God. What am I going to do with you, girl?? What happened to “A Walk in the Snark?” I loved that. I love Natalie’s too, but I want you to have your OWN. *toothy smile*

        Like

    • Laura Drake says:

      Gloria – I am NOT signing a book with the words ‘Monkey-butt.’ Just so you know. If I got famous, you’d sell it on ebay – I know you!

      Like

    • zkullis says:

      *vroom vroom*

      Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      G-Man Zack, being the running buddy for Gloria? With Laura’s book? What about with the Cowbell?? That would be EPIC.

      Like

  2. ROFLMAO!!!!

    GIRL, I soooo hear what you are saying! Hubby and I don’t motorcycle but we do ATV as well as a lot of other sitting/outdoor sports like canoeing and kayaking so we know ALL about monkey butt, butt tats and aching dangling parts (well I know less about that…but hubby’s well versed), NOT TO MENTION the ever enjoyable crotch rot and itchy ass syndrome. God help me…I’ve tried everything!

    You are a total life saver. BLESS you!! While those undies may not rank high in the ultra sexy department, they do look like they’ll do the trick! And what lady doesn’t want a little more SUCK IT IN spandex in her life…come on! It’s like Spanx on speed…SIGN ME UP BABY!!!

    Thanks for sharing the wonders of the world…can’t wait to get me a pair!

    Hmmmm…I wonder if they come in hot pink???

    Like

  3. Catie Rhodes says:

    My husband would probably scream if he knew I was telling this, but he doesn’t know y’all, and y’all don’t know him, so here goes.

    My husband works an outside job where he drives from job site to job site in between fulfilling tickets. So he gets monkey butt during the summer. According to him, this powder works! It is cheap, too. So, if you ever get the red-a$$, it might be worth a try. And, if you don’t want to pay as much in shipping as the product costs, look at your local Harley shop. Last time I was in one, I was super amused to find they carried Monkey Butt powder.

    We do ride motorcycles, though not as much as we used to. I’ve used Monkey Butt powder when we’ve gone on long rides, but never having been a monkey butt sufferer before, I have no idea if it really worked. However, did you know they have a ladies’ version? I laughed and laughed, especially when I figured out the only difference was it had a pretty fragrance.

    And those biker’s undies look perfect. It is hard to find the right undies when you’re riding motorcycles. All the regular ones want to set up residence in your butt crack.

    Like

    • Laura Drake says:

      Oh Catie – I forgot about the Indian Scout undies (they sneak up on you from behind,) HATE that! I don’t imagine it looks good to the driver behind me when I’m digging them out, either.

      Like

  4. tomwisk says:

    Used to ride and got monkey butt to the max. Switched to boxer/briefs and the problem wasn’t solved but alleviated some. The only problem was that it took two or more showers a day to prevent an, ahem, aroma emanating from the nether regions. I tried boxers but the boys got chafed and tangled. The only advice I can give is choose your own poison.

    Like

  5. K.B. Owen says:

    Wow, Laura! Maybe I should get these for writing. Butt in chair, you know! Sweet! So, do you ever have to pick the bugs out of your teeth when you go on a long ride?😉

    Jenny, thanks for sharing Laura’s adventures with us. Her novel looks like a great read!

    ~Kathy

    Like

    • Laura Drake says:

      Oh, K.B., never thought of ‘writing monkey-butt!’
      Maybe because I never sit there long enough, huh?😉

      I’ve got an enclosed helmet, so no bugs in teeth, but everywhere else. One time we rode through where grasshoppers were swarming – yuk! And the little suckers hurt, at 60 mph!

      Like

  6. Julie Glover says:

    I have absolutely nothing to add to the monkey-butt discussion. But I will say that I thoroughly enjoyed Laura’s book, so don’t hesitate to buy it, y’all! And she’s welcome in Texas ANYTIME.

    Like

  7. Ohmigawd Laura, I love you! You never cease to make me laugh. I used to ride motorcycles when I was younger, but not for long periods like you, so I never got monkey butt. However, my daughter rides bikes and she just might need some of that powder. Last year she rode from San Francisco to Los Angeles in seven days. She was a bit chaffed in places. I think I’ll also get her those fancy riding pants, too.

    Can’t wait to see you Saturday! I’ll be buying your book and having you sign it ~ but I promise I won’t ask you to say anything about Monkey Butt.😉

    Like

  8. angelapeart says:

    I wouldn’t miss the Undie Chronicles for a million! So, as always, I’ve got a good chuckle out of the post.

    My hubby rides his motorcycle but only short distances. So I don’t think he needs the Monkey Butt Powder (yet!), but I like Kathy’s suggestion for the writer’s butt-in-chair! Hah! That might be the answer! Oh, and those biker shorts look awesome. Father’s Day is coming🙂

    Like

  9. zkullis says:

    Let me start off by saying that I LOVE (big fat letters) to ride! Freedom can be found with two wheels on the open road.

    I ride a Triumph Rocket III. It’s a speedy ride with 2300 cc’s in your grip. You think about gunning it and you’re already a mile down the road with your lips peeling away from your face. 😀 The engine stacks and custom shorty pipes make this a fairly unique bike in my neck of the woods. (can you tell I love the bike?)

    Monkey Butt sucks… The most comfortable seat I’ve even slapped my cheeks on is a Corbin solo with removable backrest. When I have a long ride I put the backrest on and it makes a big difference.

    Monkey Butt from other activities is cheeky! 😉

    Like

  10. I love riding on motorcycles, but I’ve always been the girl on the back, never the actual driver.😀 I’ve been considering taking classes. If hubby can get his concealed license, I don’t see why I shouldn’t get my motorcycle one.

    Like

    • Laura Drake says:

      Take the MSF course, Kitt – unintimidating 250’s. From the first day of class, I knew I was never riding on the back again! Whooo hoooo!

      Like

      • Thanks! I think I just may do that…although I may miss being the girl on the back sometimes.😉

        Like

        • Laura Drake says:

          Yeah, but Kitt, things vibrate better with the engine below you, IYKWIM…

          Like

          • LMAO! I do… I may need to take those classes for “research” anyway… There’s this scene I’ve had in my head for years now. Instead of riding in the back, she’s riding in the front.😡

            Like

            • Laura Drake says:

              I read a book, back in the 70’s – about a biker dude putting some scantily clad woman in front of him, and….Some of the stuff they did, I’m not sure is physically possible.
              Not without a buttload of road-rash, anyway. Men I’ve known, aren’t good multi-taskers.
              I’m just saying…

              Like

            • Haha! Yeah, asked a guy biker friend of mine about “feasibility” for research. He said it’s doable (the scene I imagined), but the guy would have to be very focused/strong minded. Of course I pictured a Dom in leathers…

              Like

  11. Catherine Johnson says:

    I have often thought about this for regular cyclists but I guess motorcyclists have it too. So funny there’s monkey butt powder. Ihad to whizz through the pics because I’m at my local library lol. What a neat thing to ride on adventures, I have been on the back of a few bikes, it’s so much fun.

    Like

  12. I always learn something here (won’t comment on whether i wanted or needed to know this! LOL). LOLOLOLOL

    Like

  13. Sharla Rae says:

    Enjoyed the blog Laura. And wow, next to you guys here at More Cowbell, I’m very boring. But I can say, Laura’s book is wonderful. You’ll laugh and cry and never want it to end.

    Like

  14. filbio says:

    Loved this! Laura seems like a very funny lady with a great wit! I too have learned some new things here today. Monkey Butt Powder? Gosh!

    Like

  15. Just when you think you’ve heard it all, something new comes along. Monkey butt? Huh. Makes sense I guess, but still – huh. Glad they’ve got undies for that now.

    You know – history lesson here – that’s why REAL cowboys wear Wranglers instead of Levis. For a very similar reason. Wranglers don’t have that awful thick inside seam like Levis do and therefore Wranglers don’t chafe the inside of your legs when you’re riding a horse. There’s a little cowboy and denim history for you. If you want to create an authentic cowboy, they have to be sporting the Wranglers.

    And Laura, how exciting that you’re a bull riding fan. My husband and I raise bucking bulls. We have a couple of partners in the PBR circuit and we’ve had a bull or two on the touring pro circuit, but nothing big time. Yet.

    Patricia Rickrode
    w/a Jansen Schmidt

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Color me amazed…I had NO IDEA that’s why Wrangler’s were the cowboy’s jeans of choice. Nifty!!

      Like

    • Laura Drake says:

      Oh, my Sista! Where are you? Do you tweet? There’s TONS of Bull riding fans there – I can hook you up! Are you going to the finals in Vegas this year? I’m signing at the Fan Zone! Whoop!

      p.s. – all my cowboys wear Wranglers…but I never knew why. That was my new thing to learn today!

      Like

      • Unfortunately, Laura, I can’t make the finals in Vegas this year. We used to go to a lot of PBR events (on the west coast mostly) but when my husband had to get “a real job” that took us out of the traveling circuit. Our partner Nick Nuciforo goes to a lot of events. His bull Hurricane was a short go bull for quite some time. I think he might of have retired him now, but we used to go to a lot of events with him. We also were partnered with Jerome Davis for a few years so we have connections on both coasts.

        Yes, there are a lot of bull riding fans out there. I volunteered for a number of years at the Resistol Relief booth (I don’t know what they’re calling it these days since Resistol pulled their sponsorship), but I met a lot of really nice people doing that.

        I am on Twitter. Jansen Schmidt is me handle. I’ll look you up where ever there’s places to look people up. Stay connected!

        Nice chatting with you. Good luck on book sales!

        Patricia

        Like

  16. K.B. Owen says:

    Wow, when someone (Laura) rings the Gnarly Cowbell, look what cool responses we get! Because there’s Cowbell…and there’s GNARLY Cowbell. Patricia, I didn’t know you raise bucking bulls – that’s so awesome!

    Of course, the Dark Side of the Gnarly Cowbell is maybe the TMI regarding bicycle “Butt Butter” – ’cause now, of course, the next time I’m driving down the road, passing those bicycle guys in their spandex, I’ll be wondering if they’ve buttered their butts…yikes…

    **Eyes on the road, Kathy – Eyes. On. The. Road.**

    Like

    • Kathy that is so funny. I thought the same thing. The next time I see a bunch of burly scary dudes on Harleys I’ll be wondering how many of them are wearing spandex biker shorts. Or those little hot pink jobbies that Jenny was so gracious to find on Amazon. And I’ll be wondering if there’s Monkey Butt powder in their saddlebags.

      And raising bucking bulls is a super interesting thing. I never thought I’d be so excited about bull semen or frozen embryos, but now I actually bid on the stuff at auctions. Not many girls sit around and talk about straws of bull semen, but I find it rather exciting. And the whole training/conditioning process is fascinating. Don’t let the PETA people fool you. there is absolutely NO animal cruelty involved in this sport. Those bulls are treated like royalty.

      But enough about that. Back to what really matters – Monkey butt.

      Patricia

      Like

      • Jenny Hansen says:

        Patricia, you have GOT to read Laura’s book! She starts out Ch 1 having the heroine be grateful for the bull semen. You’d totally understand this world.🙂

        Like

      • Laura Drake says:

        You’re exactly right, Patricia…the bulls even get massages! When people ask me about that, I always ask what kind of idiot would an owner be to allow their multimillion dollar bull be mistreated?!

        There’s bull semen in The Sweet Spot – and after this post today, I don’t think any of you are shocked to hear that!

        Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      I know, Kathy! I’m dying to do a vlog out on Pacific Coast Highway where I stand there with a mic and ask: “ButtBUTTer or no ButtBUTTer?…What caused you to choose one way or the other?…How’re your danglies??”

      Like

    • Laura Drake says:

      Oh, I can guarantee you that they do, Kathy. Friction on a tiny saddle like that is NOT pretty. Alpha Dog has been off the bike for two weeks due to — um — split skin in a very sensitive area. OUCH! It aint pretty, trust me. Mole skin didn’t help – bandaids don’t stick in ‘those’ places…finally used liquid bandage….

      God, if any of you tell him you know about this, I’m dead meat. Monkey butt will be the least of my problems. Damn gnarly cowbell, brings it out in me every time!

      Like

  17. OMG…I’m laughing so freaking hard over here! I’ve heard of it, but never thought it really existed! Too freaking funny! Damn! Did I just say ‘freak’ twice? You know I’m laughing then. Love the life lessons too! Sounds like a must read to me!

    Like

  18. amyskennedy says:

    Soooooo late to the party, and normally I wouldn’t post a comment this late–but(t) first, loved the post, love that you drive your own motorcycle, MONKEYBUTT, and love the letter to your readers. I’m stealing the idea for a heroine’s life lessons list (just for my own self, to help me with characterization). And The Sweet Spot sounds funny and wonderful.

    Like

    • Laura Drake says:

      Thanks, Amy – hope you like the book!

      Did she just address me as ‘Monkeybutt?’

      That’s Ms. Monkeybutt, I’ll have you know…
      Damn Whippersnappers.:)

      Like

  19. Cate Russell-Cole says:

    The things you learn… I had no idea this was an issue. Jenny, this blog is a community service (and makes my day!) Following Laura.

    Like

  20. LauraDrake says:

    Thanks cate, I’ll follow you back when I get over there… Right now, I’m afraid to leave
    Cowbell for fear of what will happen while I’m gone! You guys are out of control!

    Like

  21. Pingback: Relationships: The Male vs. Female Perspective in Under Two Minutes | Jenny Hansen's Blog

  22. Katie says:

    HA!!! Oh my gosh. I never really thought a out this before. I can only imagine how awful that would be!

    Like

  23. My mind went straight to the gutter so all I’m going to say is…hilarious!🙂

    Like

  24. 86 responses! Guess you know what the readers like. LOL
    This is exactly why when my husband waxes lyrical about how fun it would be to ride bikes cross country I just say NO. Give me an RV or a hotel please! I’ll have to tell him about the aching danglies at the end of the day. Maybe we’ll finally end up RV shopping!

    Like

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