U is for Undies (of course): A Special Undie Chronicle for the Workout Peeps and Wig-Wearers

Those of you who are new to More Cowbell might have missed The Undie Chronicles. The regular posse here knows: When the Undie-verse speaks, we will always listen.

If you’re counting, this is Volume 13! In honor of the April A to Z Blog Challenge (and More Cowbell’s 2nd anniversary), we’re doing TWO Undie Chronicles this month. Volume 12 was last week for letter “P.”

I believe it was August McLaughlin who alerted me to today’s gem:

HANDERPANTS

Handerpants

Yes, they’re real. And yes, they’re really called that. For $10.75, they can be YOURS.

Product Description:

What’s cooler than wearing mittens or gloves on your hands? Underpants for your hands, of course! (Of course!) Which is why when you wear the Handerpants, underwear for your hands, you will be styling all over town like nobody’s business. Comes in a pair and will fit most normal sized human hands.

(You see how they’re calling out “human hands?” I don’t want to know!)

Oh, and the manufacturers recommended age?  4 years and up. That means you’re welcome to make your child a social pariah from kindergarten on by getting them some of these babies.

The thing is…these would make smokin’ workout gloves.

Seriously. I just filed down the calluses on my hands from Crossfit. We do pull-ups (OK, I don’t…yet), muscle-ups, work on the rings…plus we sling around barbells. That’s all really hard on your hands.

These handerpants would come in handy, if you know what I mean. You’d just have to muster up the nerve to wear them to the gym. (You go first.)

And for all you wig-wearers (yes, I’m talking to you, Tameri Etherton)…there’s also the UNDERCAP. In fact, people who bought the HANDERPANTS frequently buy this combination of items:

Handerpants - also boughts

Yep, those UNDERCAPS are some turbo-sexy items too.

Undercap

The only thing freaking me about the UNDERCAP is this warning:

Undercap - choking hazard

REALLY?? I’d have expected a “gagging hazard” based on their look but now I am dying over here about the “choking hazard.” That’s just crying out for an IYKWIM.

The HANDERPANTS reviews were pretty ho-hum, but the UNDERCAP? They had some special lovelies. Here’s my fave review:

4.0 out of 5 stars
works, but had to figure it out on my own
August 11, 2010

Durability: 1.0 out of 5 stars    Educational: 1.0 out of 5 stars    Fun: 5.0 out of 5 stars

The item works like a charm, but lacks instructions. I think it’s appropriate to add them here:

1) Remove the cap from its packaging and give it a good stretch.

2) Pull the cap over your head, bringing the elastic band down until the cap feels snug but not tight. The writing on the elastic band should be facing outwards. Additional accessories like a fedora, low hanging jeans and a bad rap album are optional, but highly recommended.

3) Relax at home (or anywhere but your job) until Britney Spears shows up at your door to pay you alimony. There is the unintended side effect of having to rear the children she bears you.

Undercap pays for itself in no time!

My Recommendations:

  • Do not eat chocolate or cook with saffron while wearing either of these items.
  • It’s recommended that you refrain from dying yellow Easter eggs too.

So, have you already clicked those links and pulled out your credit card, or are you waiting on this particular purchase? What would you say if you saw those babies at the gym? Do you think they’d be cozy or not? Do you have any other recommendations for use of the Handerpants or Undercap? Enquiring minds LOVE to know these things here at More Cowbell!

Jenny

About Jenny Hansen

Avid seeker of "more"...More words, more creativity, More Cowbell! An extrovert who's terribly fond of silliness. Founding blogger at Writers In The Storm (http://writersinthestormblog.com). Write on!
This entry was posted in Humor, Undie Chronicles and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

49 Responses to U is for Undies (of course): A Special Undie Chronicle for the Workout Peeps and Wig-Wearers

  1. LauraDrake says:

    Oh come on, Jenny, you KNOW you want to wear those to the gym! You’d be a hit!
    Okay, no one would spot for you, but everyone would look at you!

    Like

  2. It took a minute for the warnings about chocolate and saffron to fully blossom in my half-caffeinated and sleep-deprived brain, but….

    KA-SHNORT!

    These are a Dr. Sheldon Cooper episode begging to happen. Big Bang Theory fans unite! Locate the address for me.

    I can’t do all the wonky work around here.

    When If I purchase a pack of Hander-Pants, I’ll mail one to the BBT producers. WHOOP! I’d better add an extra one for Wallowitz. Tameri, his robotic-hand-that-got-stuck on his not-so-O MG was a right-handed contraption, right?

    I’ll keep the Maybe you Touched your Genitals Hand Sanitizer. In this flu and germ phobic world, it’s not uncommon to use hand sanitizer, and to offer same to friends sitting around the table or seated next to me in a meeting.

    Like

    • And Raj of course would be wearing the Undercap and calling everyone else racist! Best. Episode. Ever!

      Although, for some reason, I keep picturing Bernadette wearing the Undercap… weird.

      Like

      • Erm…I see Bernadette more in need of the Maybe you Touched your Genitals Sanitizer. Wallowitz is prone to be randy even when he has a girlfriend.

        ACK! I think I missed the Raj episode.

        Joining Jenny on UTube to find it.

        Like

        • It wasn’t an episode you missed! It was just one I was musing that they should make… One where Bernadette would also wear the Undercap and possibly rap with Raj. I’m having med hallucinations of TBBT. They’re awesome.

          Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      I really think the “Maybe You Touched Your Genitals” hand sanitizer is a thing that everyone needs….

      Now I have to go watch an episode of Big Bang Theory on YouTube.

      Like

  3. Jane Sadek says:

    Some mornings after I have my cowbell I just sit here shaking my head. This is one of those mornings. You are something else girl, iykwim.

    Like

  4. You know, I DID get you an undercap for your wig, but it’s just boring beige. Maybe I should get this one instead? There’s still plenty of time to order it for DFWCon!

    Call me crazy (and you wouldn’t be the first), but I kind of like the Handypants. I think they’re cute and now that they’ve mentioned dying Easter eggs, that’s eggsactly what I want to do. Subliminal messaging for the win. Like Gloria, I need more caffeine.

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      LOL….I highly recommend if you use them for Easter eggs that you pick a color other than yellow or brown… (Hence my recommendations.)

      They are kinda cute. I wasn’t kidding when I said they’d rock at the gym. You’d just have to put up with lots of ribbing, if you know what I’m sayin.🙂

      Like

  5. I JUST saw the Handerpants gloves while in Florida on vacation, and I TOTALLY thought of you. (Also, I thought I could totally pull them off, since I wear fingerless gloves 75% of the year.) Why oh why didn’t I snap a pic? (Actually, I know why.) It was the very mean shop owner who was standing 1/2 inch away from me with that “no-you-can’t-take-photographs-of-my-products-if-you-aren’t-buying-them look on her face.) Glad August found them online for you!

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Don’t you HATE shop owners like that? You coulda made her famous, had she not blocked you! LOL…

      Like

    • WHY in the cluck didn’t you buy them, already, Renee? I’m going to pay shipping costs to own them.

      A properly accessorized woman does not appear at public functions — say, DFWCon — without white gloves.

      Jenny? Shall I bring along a pair for you? Nah. Don’t answer. I’m going to anyway.

      Like

  6. K.B. Owen says:

    OF COURSE they had to be “tighty-whitey” handerpants…otherwise, you could get away with wearing them! As far as the “handercap” goes (notice they don’t say “for human heads” – wonder why that’s obvious but the hands have to be specified), I wished they made one with that little peep-hole, so I could stick my ponytail out of it. Ah, well. #GoingForGlam 😉

    Jenny’s still rockin’ as Queen of the Undie-verse! Woo-hoo!

    ~Kathy

    Like

    • Ah! That would’ve been brilliant! I could’ve rocked that baby down at the beach this summer with my pony tail flying out behind me. They missed out on a huge ~ HUGE ~ marketing idea there. Someone should tell them. Let’s get Gloria to write them a letter.

      Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Thanks, Kathy! And it says there are small parts to choke on (oh it was tough to leave that one alone) so perhaps there is a hole or a button or something for your ponytail. If not, I’m confident that you can make one!

      Like

  7. Does it come in thong?😉

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      I have no idea, Main Street, but we’ve posted much more festive thong ideas here in the past. Accoutrements makes all sorts of fascinating undie products though…

      Like

  8. At least one year that I know of at Mardi Gras the “hot” item was girls’ underwear that was either placed on the head or worn over your clothes in the normal place. I believe that alcohol was required before application of either. LOL (I’ve been out of town, so catching up on your letters! LOL)

    Like

  9. Catherine Johnson says:

    OMG too funny! And laughing my head off at the hand sanitizer description.

    Like

  10. I just snorted water all over my keyboard. This is too awesome, Jenny! I especially cracked up at the Maybe You Touched Your Genitals Hand Sanitizer. I’m buying these for a future gag gift.😉

    Like

  11. LOLOLOL! Handerpants? Ya never know where this subject is gonna go. So when I opened up my email and saw your post, I couldn’t believe it. Clearly I don’t get out enough. Very clever!🙂

    Like

  12. Cory Imhof says:

    OMG Ha-Freakin’-Larious!!!

    Like

  13. patriciasands says:

    On the floor … just on the floor … bottle the comments please!

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      You know, if we got you some Handerpants, Patricia, you could do some nice push-ups while you were down on that floor. It would be like multi-tasking…😀

      Like

      • BAHAHAHAHA! I’m actually laughing about the “push-ups” part of your comment!

        I thought of you last night, Jenny. I was babysitting the Adorables (grandchildren ages 4 and 5-1/2). Underpants is one of Kate’s (4) favourite snickerlicious topics at the moment. We read a book titled “Underpants, Thunderpants” and I swear it did make me think of the Undie Chronicles at one point. Scary …

        Like

  14. filbio says:

    LOL! I swore off tighty-whities a long time ago! The hand sanitizer sounds like a good idea though!

    Like

  15. Wish I’d found you earlier in the challenge, so funny. I’ll follow and come back in May.
    #atozchallenge
    maggie at expat brazil

    Like

  16. Pingback: Stuffed Bears, Gongs, and Handerpants…Must Be a Writers’ Conference | Julie Glover, Writer

  17. Pingback: Fabulous Weekend with Friends. Oh, and I Learned Stuff, Too. | Diana Beebe's Blog

  18. Pingback: Return of the Feverish Laughing OMG Jedi | Jenny Hansen's Blog

Comments are closed.