I grew up the younger sister of an older brother who was six feet tall in the 6th grade. He’s always had the wingspan of an albatross and feet like gunboats. (Note: This is the Bag Whore, whom most of you here at More Cowbell have met.)
This means I lost track of the times said brother has:
a) Held me at arm’s length, rendering me unable to do anything more than flail my fists wildly at him or try to gnaw at his arm. (His arms were longer than my legs too — kicking wasn’t even an option.)
b) Pinned me and stolen the phone I was talking on to make rude noises at my boyfriends or kissy noises at my friends.
or my least favorite…
c) Sat atop my head, vibrating gigantic farts against my forehead.
Yeah, he was a gem growing up.
When you can’t hold a candle to your sibling physically, you’ve got to get sneaky. When I saw this product on Amazon, my first thought was:
Where was this when I was growing up??!
Look at this baby!
Sound Effects – Bodily Functions
by Worldwide Brands
Product Description
Bodily Functions Sound Effects Machine: Peurile bodily functions entertainment!
For the immature at heart.
Make any bodily function noise at your command with this cheeky sound effects machine!
Never blame it on the dog again!
There are also pirate noises!!
Oh, the fun I could have had with that thing…I’d have followed him out on dates with this contraption. I’m sure the #3 button would have gotten worn to a nub.
Just so you can get the full picture of these 9 Vulgar Varieties, here is a closer picture:
Thassss right, fellow juvenile people ~ you know you want one!
Did you have siblings who tortured you in this manner? What were your favored methods of retaliation? Also, can anyone tell me what #9 is? (I can’t figure it out.) Enquiring minds always want to know these things here at More Cowbell!
Jenny
Jenny Hansen's Blog 
I can’t figure out #9 either — and it’s going to bug me all day. Thanks.
My brother was two years older, bigger, and mean as a snake with sciatica. I couldn’t outrun him – he’d run me down and pound me. So I’d pump my pudgy legs until he almost was on me, then I dropped like a stone. He tripped over me, and went flying. ‘Fell for it,’ every time.
He was bigger, but dumber.
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Laura, that is AWESOME! I’d imagine you had tons of bruises from the fall, but not as many as if he’d caught you. 🙂
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It looks like a big turkey leg to me? I’m thinking maybe it’s gross eating noises. I can’t figure out the first one though – which one is that supposed to be?
I was blessed as being an only child. Growing up, I never thought it was any fun, but given how torturous siblings can be, I’m thinking I made it out easy. Then again, I DID have some pretty ruthless cousins.
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I agree, Karen. A Rennaisance festival-er eating a turkey leg, and chewing with his mouth open!
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I can see that, now that you say it, but it truly kills me not to KNOW. I copied said brother on this, so maybe he’ll buy it and tell me. 🙂
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Jenny, I don’t mean to outdo you, but I grew up with four brothers. I know I’ve got your sympathy – thanks … appreciate that. Love your descriptions of your brother’s size 🙂
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FOUR??!! Oh, good Lord.
My cousin Shawna had two and they used to tie her upside down to a tree. The rule was “Don’t hurt Shawna!” So they didn’t…they just tortured her. 🙂
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C’mon, y’all! CLEARLY, #9 is the sound of an alien chomping down on a human brain. Don’t you see it??? Then again, I’m the one who can see just about anything in cloud shapes if I look hard enough.
I’m a little worried about this contraption actually. It would have been just my luck for my sibling to wrestle it out of my frail hand and then taken it to church with us, unleashing #2 or #6 repeatedly while my father was preaching, then blaming me for disrupting the service with my immature behavior. Isn’t that just the sort of thing siblings do to each other? 😉
(Actually, my siblings are marvelous, even if we did annoy each other like crazy as kids.)
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BAHAHAHAHA! I’m laughing so hard at this, Julie, because now I know you will write exactly that scene in one of your YA’s. That’s is so classic. I hadn’t thought of all the ways being a preacher’s daughter could be challenging.
My brother is marvelous too, which is why I can expose his early years here at the blog. 🙂
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Ha! My current WIP has a preacher’s daughter protag. I’m having a ball with it.
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I should have known you wouldn’t let experiences like that go to waste. 🙂
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I agree with Karen – I immediately thought of one of those giant turkey legs you see at Disneyworld, etc.
Aren’t brothers the best? Sometimes, guy friends who are like brothers can be the best, too. One of the latter downloaded an app to his iPhone that emits a remarkable variety of fart sounds, and proceeded to share it with us during a card game one fine night. We laughed until we cried. I blame the wine. 😉
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No, don’t blame the wine! That’s too perfect an evening not to embrace it. I’d have laughed my guts out.
I predict that all the men and more than half the women with iPhones will now browse to see how much this app costs. 🙂
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#9 is totally gross eating sounds- sloppy chomping and all that. I personally would have used #5 more often than #3, but that’s just me. I think #3 is no good without the smell.
I can honestly say it’s things like this that remind me why I was glad I was an only child. Sure, I may have had to deal with it from some of the neighborhood boys, but when I got tired of it or just too grossed out, I could just go home.
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#5 IS stellar, I must admit… And I’m delighted to hear you say this about only children, since I’m only going to get one. 🙂
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Yeah Jenny (and Ellen) both my youngest and my husband have the fart app. My husband can literally follow me around with it for 10 minutes…until I finally yell out, “ENOUGH!”
Hilarity.
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*giggle-snort* He actually follows you around with it, Amy? Geesh, I love men. There’s just a part of them that never outgrows the humor of well-timed flatulence.
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No Jenny, no torture from older siblings. I WAS the older sibling. My parents made sure I didn’t torture my sister. But, I want a fart machine of my own. On an average trip out I could think of a few uses for it.
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Tom, I believe this handy-machine is $7.95…you can have one of your very own!! But please, please report back about how you used it. 🙂
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I sit here on my patio thinking, “Gloria Jean, you should be working on something worthwhile.”
What did I do instead? I enlarged the picture of the vulgar noise device, Googled, watched the short video clip, and read the description. Yes, all of this in my quest to solve the mystery of “what is number 9.”
This could not, even in my imaginary world (!), be construed as productive use of my time.
They did not play that particular sound effect, but the description — combined with ill-used deductive reasoning — narrowed it down to “spectacularly noisy eating.” I think the turkey leg gnaw and smackers have it!
My work here is done.
Four sisters. No brothers. I feared I’d have to take a pass commenting on More Cowbell today. Phew!
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There’s a video???!! Wowzers. If you come back, give us the link, will you?
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Wouldn’t it have been a blast to be the person responsible for creating these noises to record for this device. Think about it. Someone got paid to fart, gargle, sneeze, belch and chomp on a turkey leg in the making of this contraption. I want that job. If my brother had a nickle for every fart, I’d be borrowing money every day.
Another awesome discovery here at More Cowbell.
Patricia Rickrode
w/a Jansen Schmidt
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Oh my goodness!! I hadn’t even extrapolated to that part of it! That’s so funny….now I’m giggling all over my office. What brother that we know wouldn’t have been delighted (with a capital D) to help out with recording a project like this??
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Ha! I want one! I was always the big brother that did all the torturing. I have no clue what #9 is though.
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Phil, that was my big brother’s EXACT reaction! I believe he’s already followed the link above and purchased 3-4. If you follow that Bag Whore link, you’ll see why he needs so many. 🙂
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
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Lol Jenny! You do spend a lot of time on Amazon girl. I could not imagine having a big brother. I was the oldest and had a younger brother who tried to kill me a couple of times. Serious. That was enough for me. 🙂
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I really DON’T spend a ton time on Amazon, but I come across these niche items in the “People Also Bought” section of other items. It’s great. 🙂
I just throw ’em in my drafts and save them until needed. Usually 2-3 months. LOL…
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Oh my! I definitely have to get me one of these! There’s a certain young man in my life who will get the biggest kick out of this. Yeah, I think it’s pretty awesome too. Why didn’t I think of it? LOL
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