The Funniest Amazon Review I’ve Seen This Month

Does anyone else read Amazon reviews for entertainment? I have to control myself or I’d be in there all day long.

Piper Bayard sent me the reviews of Bic Pens for Her with gems like this from Tracy Hamilton:

“Someone has answered my gentle prayers and FINALLY designed a pen that I can use all month long!”

Then Kristy K. James turned me on to the UK reviews.

Those are even better than the American version. And VEET Hair Removal for Men is the best of them all. These guys have had me laughing for weeks. The Brits are always DAMN funny, but these VEET guys have just a wee bit more, if you know what I mean.

Here is the link to my very favorite VEET review, but really…you must read them all. This guy had me at “rastafarian danglies” but I think it was the ice cream that finally sent me over the edge. I’ve paraphrased this word magician below.

(I warn you, this is crass. Hide your children, or at least keep them from reading onward.)

Note: Set down your drink before reading.

On VEET Hair Removal for Men Gel Creme:

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.

Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus’s birthday as a bit of a treat.

I ordered [the VEET] well in advance and, working in the North sea, I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types…oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.

I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and, after giving some vague hints about a special surprise, I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.

Religion hadn’t featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veggies.

Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole (drain) with a mat of hair.

Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen. By this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.

I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned.

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.

I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen, which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.

The only solution my pain-crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the
sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen, the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell and pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering,”Ooooh that feels good.”

Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and, as I hadn’t heard her come in, it caused an involutary spasm of shock…which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.

I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status.

So to sum it up: VEET removes hair, dignity and self respect…:)

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Do you browse Amazon’s reviews for the entertainment factor, or simply because you want a product rating? What is your favorite product review? (Feel free to paste it in the comments section.) Enquiring minds always want to know these things here at More Cowbell!

Happy Week, y’all… 😀

Jenny