The Funniest Amazon Review I’ve Seen This Month

AmazonReviewDoes anyone else read Amazon reviews for entertainment? I have to control myself or I’d be in there all day long.

Piper Bayard sent me the reviews of Bic Pens for Her with gems like this from Tracy Hamilton:

“Someone has answered my gentle prayers and FINALLY designed a pen that I can use all month long!”

Then Kristy K. James turned me on to the UK reviews.

Those are even better than the American version. And VEET Hair Removal for Men is the best of them all. These guys have had me laughing for weeks. The Brits are always DAMN funny, but these VEET guys have just a wee bit more, if you know what I mean.

Here is the link to my very favorite VEET review, but really…you must read them all. This guy had me at “rastafarian danglies” but I think it was the ice cream that finally sent me over the edge. I’ve paraphrased this word magician below.

(I warn you, this is crass. Hide your children, or at least keep them from reading onward.)

Note: Set down your drink before reading.

On VEET Hair Removal for Men Gel Creme:

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.

Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus’s birthday as a bit of a treat.

I ordered [the VEET] well in advance and, working in the North sea, I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types…oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.

I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and, after giving some vague hints about a special surprise, I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.

Religion hadn’t featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veggies.

Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole (drain) with a mat of hair.

Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen. By this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.

I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned.

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.

I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen, which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.

The only solution my pain-crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the
sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen, the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell and pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering,”Ooooh that feels good.”

Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and, as I hadn’t heard her come in, it caused an involutary spasm of shock…which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.

I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status.

So to sum it up: VEET removes hair, dignity and self respect…:)

**********

Do you browse Amazon’s reviews for the entertainment factor, or simply because you want a product rating? What is your favorite product review? (Feel free to paste it in the comments section.) Enquiring minds always want to know these things here at More Cowbell!

Happy Week, y’all…😀

Jenny

About Jenny Hansen

Avid seeker of "more"...More words, more creativity, More Cowbell! An extrovert who's terribly fond of silliness. Founding blogger at Writers In The Storm (http://writersinthestormblog.com). Write on!
This entry was posted in Humor, More Cowbell and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

57 Responses to The Funniest Amazon Review I’ve Seen This Month

  1. Thanks for the shout out, Jenny. I do love the Veet reviews. I have one other guilty pleasure (okay, two, cause I still enjoy DYAC). But if I really want to laugh, I visit: http://www.pleasegodno.com/archives/66-Fiber-One-Bars-make-me-Fart.html because the Fiber One bars reviews are the funniest things I’ve ever read. I didn’t have the issues some of these people had, but I did have some major stomachaches, which is why I initially Googled it. Needless to say, I stopped buying the bars for myself after two boxes. My son has zero issues with them though. Go figure.🙂

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Oh, I’m definitely a Damn You AutoCorrect fan! But the Fiber One reviews are new to me. I have too much to do today to even allow myself a peek…I get sucked into the laughter vortex wa-a-a-ay too easily.

      Tomorrow, it’s me and the Fiber One bars, out on a laughter date.

      Like

  2. Laura Drake says:

    I laughed till I cried, and I know I’m going to laugh all day, off and on about this. And now I have to go check out the Fiber One reviews! Thanks for the Monday hysterical giggle.

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Laura, I was crying in my kitchen: tears, snorting, maybe some drool. It wasn’t pretty…but it was damn funny.🙂

      You know I think everyone should start their Monday with a belly laugh.

      Like

  3. O.M.G….I never realized Amazon reviews were so entertaining! That is too funny…now going to attempt to read it to my husband. hehe

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Melinda, the book reviews are more traditional, but the product reviews? Those are a stitch. I could get lost in some of these for days. I’m considering making it a regular feature.🙂

      Like

  4. Jane Sadek says:

    So where do you guys find time for this kind of RESEARCH? IYKWIM.

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      People GIVE me these things, Jane. I swear. It makes blog posts MUCH easier during my busy weeks. I bless the More Cowbell Posse all the time!!

      So, are you going to DFW this year? Because I am.🙂

      Like

      • Jane Sadek says:

        I’ve about decided my novel fits best in the Christian genre and think I’ll spend my conference money on a Christian Lit conference here in the metroplex – but I’d love to see you if you’re down here (along with the rest of your friends and fans who will demand your attention) so keep me in the loop for happy hours etc.

        Like

  5. S. J. Maylee says:

    OMG, how am I going to erase that visual from my mind, lol

    Like

  6. I. am. dying. Oh, good Lord.😀 I’ve read the Bic For Her reviews. They’re so entertaining! Please to check out the banana slicer reviews on the ‘Zon: http://www.amazon.com/Hutzler-5717-571-Banana-Slicer/dp/B0047E0EII ~ You’re welcome.😉

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      I tell you, just LOOKING at the banana slicer made me laugh. But, of course, I had to peek at some of these gems: “What can I say about the 571B Banana Slicer that hasn’t already been said about the wheel, penicillin, or the iPhone….”

      Yep. I can already tell I’m going to be spending time reading about the Banana Slicer, if you know what I mean…

      Like

  7. K.B. Owen says:

    Oh my word…where to even start! I’ll bet this guy’s wife has come upon many a strange sight in the kitchen! “Where no vegetable has gone before…” I’ll never be able to look at a brussel sprout again without thinking of this…

    Thanks for the great laugh, Jenny!😀

    Like

  8. JENNY!!!!! Woman, this is…

    It’s…

    Ohmygosh, I have no words. I’m dying for the Hubster to wake up so I can make him read it. This is freaking hilarious.

    Like

  9. bwahahaha…there is not enough awesome in the world to describe this!

    Like

  10. I can’t breath OMG this is too funny.

    Like

  11. Julie Glover says:

    I laughed, I cried, I cringed, I howled, I shuddered. The lesson I took away? Manscape at your risk.

    One more takeaway: Some of the best writers are product reviewers on Amazon. This guy should write a whole book of comedy. Genius!

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      “Manscape at your risk!!!” <– BAHAHAHA! That's funny stuff, Julie. And I agree, this guy should be making millions, right up beside that Hot Yoga guy I wrote about from Craig's List. They are both genius.🙂

      Like

  12. Jami Gold says:

    I was holding myself together until I got to the “gay snowman” line. LOL! Er…thanks for sharing? I think?🙂

    Like

  13. tomwisk says:

    Loved it. Just trying to visualize it is a hoot.

    Like

  14. Oh my gosh, that was hilarious! I’m going to be giggling all week over that. I had no idea reviews were so funny!

    Like

  15. Holy cow! Those Brits are . . . shameless.

    Fantastic product review. 5 star write-up.

    Patricia Rickrode
    w/a Jansen Schmidt

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Patricia, the *other* Patricia and I think the same thing. These Brits are rapier sharp. I don’t know if this guy is published or writing plays or anything, but he should be.🙂

      Like

  16. Best laughter in a long time. Hubby was cracking up too as I read the story to him amidst cackling. “Where no veggie has gone before…” Epic imagery. I had no idea that Amazon reviews could be like this but I’ll have to browse if I need some cheering up.

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Reetta, I couldn’t even manage to read it to my husband. I just kind of waggled my fingers in the air and waved him over. Best fun ever: Amazon reviews. Who knew, right?

      Like

  17. Sharla Rae says:

    Too funny, Jen! Never would have guessed people would actually write this stuff on line!

    Like

  18. *typing through tears* – only a Brit! Speechless …

    Like

  19. Like Jami, the gay snowman bit sent me over the edge. I’m still laughing at this review. Thanks, Jenny!

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      I was already over the edge after the ice cream, Juli. Mostly because he put his danglies in it and then PUT IT BACK IN THE FREEZER. Oh my God…I’m laughing all over again.🙂

      Like

  20. Jenny, this had me sniggering in the gym, and wiping the tears from my eyes. Thanks so much for the hilarity break.

    Like

  21. filbio says:

    OMG! I never knew that I could get laughs like these on Amazon. This was too funny. That stuff will never go anywhere near my kibbles and bits!

    Like

  22. Jaleta Clegg says:

    The Yodeling Pickle reviews are pretty hysterical. This one is my favorite – http://www.amazon.com/review/R2GPPSCA102Z7D/ref=cm_cr_dp_title?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B0010VS078&nodeID=165793011&store=toys-and-games

    And the product descriptions on the American Science & Surplus (A.S.S. – how can you go wrong with that acronym?) are hilarious. http://www.sciplus.com

    Like

  23. Pingback: Link Feast For Writers, vol. 44 | Reetta Raitanen's Blog

  24. Pingback: Tracey’s Seal of Approval: Superman Up, Google Reader Down! – Mimosas @ Midnight

  25. Pingback: O is for OMG, A Disorder I Shouldn’t Laugh At (But Do) | Jenny Hansen's Blog

  26. Pingback: 5 Pounds of Intestinal Armageddon – on sale for $20! | Jenny Hansen's Blog

  27. Sherry Isaac says:

    Hubby and I are killing ourselves. ROROROFL

    Like

  28. Pingback: Amazon Product Review: Breast Enlargement or Mutant Ants…They’ve Got You Covered! | Jenny Hansen's Blog

  29. Pingback: The Funniest Product Marketing I’ve Seen All Month | Jenny Hansen's Blog

Comments are closed.