Men’s Room Etiquette – Part II: 6 Simple Rules

A couple of weeks back, I ran a post called “There’s No Talking In The Men’s Room.” I even did a poll and the results were fascinating.

The females in the More Cowbell posse were shocked by the discovery that, not only is there a complete lack of chatting and camaraderie in the Boy’s Room, but that things could get kinda dicey for the Men’s Room Etiquette Violators.

The male comments on the post reinforced this:

Zack Kullis:
Urinal space-invaders might get the “whoops, I missed” splash on their shoes. (not making that up)

Zack continued:
I think you are missing one possibility that I would have marked.  Yes, chatting is okay (with one caveat), but there is no “peeking at packages”.

This is a complicated scenario with an outcome that is driven by a number of variables.  I’m going to break it down into two scenarios for the sake of simplifying the conundrum that is men’s bathroom etiquette.

Public men’s room:  There is no talking.  If there is, it is done as FAR from the urinals as possible, and you usually drop your voice an octave or two and growl slightly at the end of the sentence (only half joking).  There is NO looking.

Men’s room with buddies (at work, etc.):  There IS quite often talking..in small doses.  However, there is NO looking.

Let’s address the peeking while in the bathroom.  I’ve only seen this once.  It happened to me, and the guy was “peeking” in a very obvious way.  This kind of restroom shenanigan (on the rare occasion it does happen) appears to be used to gauge which way a guy swings.  I don’t swing that way, so I took my bat and left….. 

The Bag Whore:
Um yeah. The whole spacing issue between users is uber critical. You will absolutely get “the what’s your deal dude” look if you belly up to a urinal when there is space available. Not cool.

Here’s what I want to know:
How do the guys learn these rules? Who schools them?

I asked my husband and he said, “I have no idea. Boys learn a lot of things subliminally, you know.” That’s all he had to say.

Note: I told him, “That is such a lame answer.” Usually he’s so bloggable, I really thought he was going to give me the keys to “the john,” so to speak.

One particularly interesting thing he did tell me is that men in marathons or races have to stop off and use these long troughs to pee in.

Me: They run while they pee? Doesn’t it fly everywhere?? Eeeeeew. And what if someone trips while they’ve got the business in hand?

Him: They don’t run while they pee. They walk by the trough and pee as they go so no one has to stop the race.

Me: But don’t they have all their cash and prizes strapped in to prevent bouncing or  chafing? How do they, um, get it out while they’re walking? You know, without showing the people on the sidelines all their junk?

Him: *long-suffering sigh* They manage.

Me: *thinking loudly* Geesh. I’m just asking, dude. It’s not like I’ve got to worry about the twigs and berries.

When I came up empty on the details with hubby, I had to hit up my brother, the Bag Whore. (Y’all have heard me mention him here and here.) He had a LOT to say. Not only was he kind enough to give me the low down on “The Dude Potty Rules,” he also shared this handy video:

Just to recap:

1. Minimize neighbors. There must always be a urinal in between pee-ers, if available.
2. NO looking! Ever.
3. Talking is only okay on special situations, such as sports events or concerts (conversations limited to 5-10 seconds).
4. Loud noises are not cool. Example: loud grunting, even in the stalls, is distracting and a breach of etiquette. Some quiet grunts are acceptable, but loud moaning and grunting? No.
5. The final two rules are the same in the ladies room: “always wash your hands” and “always flush.”

p.s. If you want the etiquette explained in a way that is sure to make you laugh your face off, click here.

Hopefully this post cleared up any lingering questions from the female set. We still can’t believe you don’t chat between stalls, visit the restroom in pairs, or speak to strangers in the loo. Cuz, um…we do. All the time.

Are there any other sorts of etiquette issues we need to explore here on the blog? (You know, I’m always open to tackling those “sensitive issues.”) Which rule above made the most sense to you? Which one made the least? Enquiring minds LOVE to know these things here at More Cowbell!

Jenny