Today, for Thoughty Thursday, I’m going to make you laugh. We’re traveling back to April’s A to Z Challenge to discuss online dating.
I started thinking about this post after reading Natalie Hartford’s dating post last week. (You might want to peek if you missed it…it was fabulous.)
Today’s post started with an impromptu roundtable discussion about online dating between 12 women at a birthday dinner last Spring…
All of these women except me were single, and all of these women had dating STORIES.
Having been with my hubby for eight years, I’ve missed a lot of these online dating
horror experiences. I know there are couples out there finding true love online – the services would be out of business otherwise – but this hasn’t been the case for MY friends.
Nope, no easy road for these gals. Here’s what a fly on the wall would have heard at our table:
“If these younger guys actually stopped texting me long enough to ask me out on a date, it would be shocking.”
“And why is it that all these guys want to send you pictures of them naked before you’ve ever met them? Give me some mystery, dude!”
“What is up with all the ‘winking?’ Do YOU wink, or wait for THEM to wink?”
“I stopped winking at guys. Whenever I do, they evaporate from the planet.”
“I’ve stopped winking too. The last dude I winked at sent me 14 emails. All of them had my photo attached and included creepy one-liners in the body of the email.”
“Like ‘Yum’ or ‘Ooooh, Baby!’ One email just said, ‘You sizzle my face.’ I don’t want to sizzle anyone’s face!!”
“Is anyone else noticing the increased interest in anal sex?” [To my shock, several of the gals piped up and agreed.] “I mean, seriously? You’re gonna ask me on the phone before we ever date if I like anal sex?? Now I don’t want any part of you near me.”
This last comment led to a whole side discussion on whether or not she was wearing white pants in any of her Match.com photos.
Note: Anyone who listens to Kevin and Bean on KROQ (106.7 FM here in the Southland) is well aware of their ongoing theory about white pants being code for “do me on the flip side.”]
The final concensus was that by the time you reach 30-35, your Crap-o-meter gets too fine-tuned to be able to date without cynicism. These women were dying to go back to the days when nice men asked them out without 15 texts and three photos of naked torsos flying back and forth.
As one particularly gorgeous gal said, “I miss the days when I could just be a hussy. Why is it so hard to find someone to be a hussy with nowadays?”
I didn’t have an answer for her, but here’s a sample of the kind of dating pool she’s getting to pick from (this video kills me every time I watch it! Especially: “I got a whole can of peas. A pallet of peas. I’ve got a whole warehouse o’ peas!”):
Have you tried online dating? What was your experience? Do you think online dating is helping or hindering the dating process? Enquiring minds always want to know these things here at More Cowbell!
Did you catch the latest Holiday Yum recipe?
The Full Holiday Yum Schedule – Tasty Treats You Won’t Want to Miss!
- On November 17th, I kicked off the hop with my Gluten-Free Thanksgiving Meal. There are lots of great tips for folks who need to eat GF, including some sneaky foods to watch out for!
- On Nov 19th, Kathy Owen shared a salty-sweet, super-easy Spiced Pecans appetizer.
- Ellen M. Gregg had us all drooling with The Chocolatiest Chocolate Cake – Evah on Monday, November 26th.
- I shared the secrets to my family Almond Roca recipe on Wednesday, November 28th.
- Estee Lavitt shared her mouth-watering Baked Latkes on December 2nd, just in time for Chanukah!
- Natalie Hartford kicked off the cookies with her fabulous French Lace Cookies on December 5th. Mais Oui.
- On Dec 10th, Kathy gave us a Christmas cookie staple that’s yummy and versatile – butter spritz cookies.
- Ellen M. Gregg whipped up her Old-Fashioned Buttermilk Sugar Cookies, along with Bulldog Punch, on December 14th.
- Natalie Hartford continues the yummy sweets with her favorite cheesecake recipe on December 17th. (her story made me howl)
- Candy-making the super-easy way: Holly Candy with moi on December 19th.
- Jess Witkins shared her magic Pumpkin-Curry Chicken and Blue Cheese Bread.
- Yesterday, Kathy Owen posted about her super-easy beef rib-eye roast with currant jelly brown gravy, her signature Christmas dinner. Hope her holiday guests didn’t mind her taking photos of the food instead of them!
- And, finally, to help us ring in the New Year, Natalie Hartford shared some festive and delicious Mocktail recipes!
Oh! Oh! I have experience with the crap-o-meter in on-line dating — as the ghost writer for a friend whose wife dumped him without warning. He is a former fighter pilot and current pilot for a major airline. I only mention that because it explains why he had so many mornings available to stop by for (1) food, and (2) ghost written communiques. He knew how to work the scheduling system.
First on pictures: They were all current pictures of him. He’s a handsome dude. The ruse was in the settings. On my spiral staircase with my beautiful yellow lab. In my husband’s cherry-wood paneled study with books galore. [If it isn’t Playboy, Hustler, or an airplane operating manual, this dude isn’t reading it!] Sitting on my hearth, with a fire burning behind him and faithful borrowed dog sitting at his side. And, in front of my favorite artwork of a many arched old building in Europe that a skillful photographer can make look as if the subject is on-site.
On to the messages and his profile. I did his profile for him. I wrote most of his communications. “You look really hot. Is that a current picture of you? If yes, want to meet for drinks and then go to my place?” became “You have a gorgeous smile, and I see we share a love of dogs. Your profile suggests we have [insert specifics here] in common. I’d love to buy you a cup of coffee or a glass of wine and learn more about you.”
The absolute worst thing(s) he did happened on layovers while bored and with internet access. This dude skipped spelling, punctuation, and capital letters class. He also ignored conventional wisdom that when a woman asks for the truth, she doesn’t expect to hear her butt looks big. Here’s a fairly accurate example of one of his off-the-beam emails:
you asked for the truth about why i dont want to see you agian well you looked gorgeos in your picture but in person your a lot fatter than i expected sorry if that hurts your feelings but its the truth good luck
He lived (barely) after he showed this to me. And, went on to find a wonderful woman he later married. Proving the cliche that even a blind squirrel finds an acorn every once in a while.
This guy sounds…challenged. I stand by my other comment on him though: I think he had the hots for YOU. 🙂
OMG. I’ve been out of the dating pool for 20 years, and this sounds horrifying. I would totally look like a MILF, now that in 45. Oh, yes I would. And that is scary and pathetic. I wonder if Jewish guys are as pervy and rude. Probably, huh.
That video is hilarious, too!
“You would have so much sex you would go missing and they would put your face on the side if a milk carton and they would come knockin’ on the door and it would be like: SEX.” 😄
Can I admit it would be lovely to have that first kids anticipation again? But it sounds like that doesn’t happen. It’s straight to anal, huh?
MILF? MILF? WTF is MILF?
It’s blog-jack day at More Cowbell.
It stands for “Mother I’d Like to F—.” Charming, huh? That’s where the young dudes go for the cougars…who are the same age as their mamas.
Mothers I’d Like To…um… um… you know. The “F” word. It’s naughty.
I have to say, I always LOVED dating Jewish men. Typically they were funny, respectful and great in bed. But, alas, being a shiksa, very few of them wanted to bring me home to mom…
Alas, there is the rub. 🙂
It works both ways ladies. I once met a woman on-line (using eharm). We totally clicked in the cyber world. A few days later, we met in person to spend a Saturday together. We were certain we’d hit it off in person as well as we did on eharm, with emails, on Facebook, and chatting on the phone. Well, for whatever reason, the chemistry wasn’t there. We cut our afternoon short. When I arrived home (I initially drove to her neck of the woods), I had a Facebook email from this woman (no pic and I couldn’t see anything about her profile) who told me she worked with my date and that *Laura* (named changed) was this game playing tramp who did nothing but sleep around and I was better off for not getting involved and eventually being hurt blah blah blah. By that time, *Laura* had already de-friended me on FB. As I was reading the email, something just didn’t seem right. Then it hit me. The last name of *Laura’s* supposed co-worker was the first word in the name of the company *Laura* worked for at the time. Coincidence? Uhm, no!
Look, at the time, I was a big boy of 36 years old. If a woman didn’t want to see me, just tell me. I had been told “no” plenty of times before. But instead, “Laura” chose to create a separate/fake FB account and totally smear herself to guarantee I wouldn’t call again. Seriously, who does something like that????
All that being said, three months later I went on a first date with Lauren. Two years and eight months after that, we got married. Each of us has never been happier. So while eharmony introduced me to *Laura*, it also helped me find Lauren. Thank you, Neil Clark Warren!!!
That Laura sounds like the most conflict-avoidant female I’ve ever heard of in my life. You dodged a bullet there, Steve!!
That’s what everyone told me when I told them that story. On a positive note, I struck gold with my wife, Lauren. I can’t imagine a woman more cut out to be my partner 🙂
That’s so sweet…I love hearing stories like that. 🙂
OMG, love the video! But Steve’s right, it works both ways with dating. There are some seriously messed-up ladies out there, too. Sigh. I’m glad I don’t have to go looking for a date these days. Besides, my hubby wouldn’t like it. 😉
Thanks for the laugh, Jenny!
I could relay a few other dating fiascos too. I just chose that one because it was the biggest “head-shaker” I ever encountered. I think both men and women have to kiss many a frog before finding their princess or prince nowadays.
That video makes me laugh EVERY time I watch it. 🙂
After reading your post last Valentine’s Day, I’d say you found the perfect guy for you already, Kathy…you two are adorable!
It all makes me so tired! Video is hilarious, I’m gonna have to check out that guys other stuff.
Gloria! You are such a good person to help that guy, but, seriously, what is wrong with people? And how do you be one a fighter pilot and commercial pilot w/o knowing how to spell?
I hear you, Amy! He also has a Bachelor’s Degree. One of the craziest things was his operation of our microwave. Ours has an option for quick start 1 through 5 minutes. Instructions; Open door, place mug in microwave, shut door, press number (1 through five).
I used to sit crafting his missives while he reheated coffee. Beeeeeep! Boop! Boop! Bip!, Bip, bip, bip.Ding!
Give him a jet plane, tho’ and he’s a master. He once landed a 777 on an aircraft carrier — in flight simulation, of course. While the instructor was absent.
It’s crazy that this guy needed someone to provide that much help for him to date online. Are you sure he wasn’t just trying to put the moves on YOU, Gloria??
funny video … my only experience with online dating was the problem i had with all these kids who wanted me to tutor them in sex. Or else they were adamant they ‘loved’ older women. LOL. yeah right. NOT. i quickly bowed out of that scene
That is so bizarre to me. Why do these young guys want to get it on with someone who could be their mom? But, as evidenced by Renee’s comment above, they DO.
Plus, you deserve some single girl time. 🙂
Awesome post, Jenny. I’m soooo glad I’m not in the dating market. I’ve been out of it so long that I’ve never even had to discuss AIDS testing! Right now, it feels darn good being married for 32 years, lol!
WOW, 32 years??! That’s amazing and wonderful, Christine!
Having graduated high school in 1986, I’ve *never* had an intimate relationship with someone where the discussion of AIDS and STDs didn’t come up. Sad, huh?
I’ve been married for more than 20 years now. I would be so lost! LOL.
It’s certainly a challenge, Diana…that’s the universal truth in today’s dating scene.
ROFL!! I feel as bad for your single friends as I do my own. It seems to be pretty slim pickins’ out there these days….but their stories are certainly entertaining if nothing else. LOL!!! Perhaps they should write a combined book or let you do a sort of “tell all” biography.
Yep, no kidding. Literally 8 out of the 12 have gotten pre-date calls where the men ask them how they feel about anal sex. I mean, hello??? I don’t even want that call after SEVERAL dates.
Married 37 years here and would RUN before dating again. LOL! I have to go back to high school to find lame and it’s still kind of sweet. This guy called me up and said, “Um, yeah, would like to go to a movie or something?” I asked, “What’s the “or something?” Silence. “Sure I’ll go to the movie,” I said hastily. It was okay, but I always wondered what “or something” was. LOL!
You must’ve scared the crap out of that high school kid, Pauline! Most girls that age don’t have the nerve to ask those kinds of questions. Espectially not then. (Good for you!!)
LOL! I was a bit evil even back then. He never asked me out again, to our mutual relief. Poor boys. All they wanted to do was kiss a girl on the mouth and the girls want an EXPERIENCE, an EVENT, just the most amazing date ever. LOL!
See what happens when my daughter plays with my phone?
LOLOL! I thought it was some code, like the white pants! LOLOL!
This comment cracked me up. (Sorry, couldn’t resist.) Nope, no code. 🙂
This DID crack me up, Jenny.
Actually, my only experience with online dating is much older than anyone here (I think). I actually met my husband in an AOL chatroom – back in 1995. I was recently single and NOT looking for romance, but we hit it off and he had me at “let me give you my phone number, because I don’t think a gentleman asks for a lady’s phone number online. If you don’t want to call, I understand, but since I’m in another area code, call collect if you want to.”
That first call lasted four hours. He asked me out, and our first date was fantastic (clearly, because we’re still together all these years later). I get the sense my experience is a BIT unusual, however, because the creeper-to-normal ratio is FAR higher online than I’d be comfortable with trying again. I’d never expect lightning to strike twice in the same place.
Fortunately, we’re happily married so that’s not a concern!!
What a beautiful story, Susan!! I’ve actually heard of several love/success stories from those early AOL chat rooms. They were a huge hit.
Speaking of hits…I just formatted your post for Writers In The Storm tomorrow and I LOVED it. 🙂
As I read these (smiling all the way) I am so glad I’ve been out of the pool for too many years to count! Every once in a while I’m tempted to try one of these, just to see who they would match me up with. But my husband says no. Too bad. I think it would be hysterical!
My only experience with online dating are the sexy men who pop up on the side of my Yahoo email account and are “in my area”. I suspect (correct me if I’m wrong, ladies) that they are all models that the dating service uses to lure women of my age in. They all have lovely smiles, no acne, and the appropriate amount of just enough grey hair to know they might be serious.
They do look familiar though I’m not sure if that’s because I’m running into them at the grocery store, or they use the same pictures to sell aftershave.
Oh, and up here in oblivious ville I had no idea what white pants meant. Am I safe in cream?
Gee, how can I ever compete with that guy in the video? My can of peas is long past its “better if used before date.” Boy, it’s tough out there ….
Yes, but at least you know your can is a can, and not a “whole warehouse o’ peas.” LOL…
I’m surprised I haven’t bumped into Jessica in “oblivious ville”. I’m well past being in the cougar category though so I should be safe in white.
Thanks again to you and all the contributors to the Holiday Yum Blog Hop. It was DELICIOUS!
As they say, true life is stranger than fiction! 🙂