I have a special Thoughty Thursday treat for y’all today. We’ve got Natalie Hartford in the house! I love her post, and I hope you do too.
Be sure to ring those cowbells for her down in the comments!!
Hold on to your hats and pull on your big girl panties…Jenny handed me the More Cowbell reins and I am taking over her Thoughty Thursday to dish some dating dirt.
While I am weaving words over here, Jenny is TEARING it up over at my digs so be sure to check her out! BAM!
It all started with a teeny weenie post I wrote in July on how long to make a guy wait before giving the goods. Good lord, you’d have thought I had told women everywhere to withhold sex for years.
My mere suggestion of a 4 to 8 week no-sex waiting/dating period for women looking for a long-term relationships (please take note…this seemed to be a bone of contention for some readers…I was talking about women in search of a life partner, not a bootie call) caused quite an uproar.
The post generated quite the debate in the comments section. For some, I might as well have suggested women wear penis-biting (can I say that word here???) chastity belts for at least the first five years of a relationship for all the HEAT I took. I nearly had to break out my troll/delete authority…it was touch and go for a minute or two.
ANYWAY…not to rehash…my new point! A couple weeks ago a new commenter found the post and asked me this question:
I totally appreciated where Sarah was coming from.
I don’t see anything wrong with hanging with a Mr. Potential at his house fairly early on (as long as you are sure he’s not a serial rapist…obviously) but it is good to ensure you aren’t giving the “wrong” impression…if that’s not the impression you want to give…IYKWIM.
So my suggestion to her was:
And this comes to the crux of my point.
Why are we so afraid to just be honest, upfront and shoot straight from the hip with people we are dating?
I remember hearing it from my Mom when I was a teen.
“Honey…just be yourself…”
I will admit it wasn’t until I entered my 30s that I finally understood what she meant and why it is so important. Best. Dating. Advice. Evahhh!
When hubby and I started dating, I was very upfront about who I was, what I thought, and what my values were. Fairly early on I told him that I had a 90-day no bootie rule. Yes, I ended up breaking my own rule and we consummated our relationship at around the 6-week mark but what was important was that I put it out there and he didn’t run screaming.
I am not saying on date one we should launch into a rant about our rules and boundaries in an aggressive “love me right now or get the hell out” but I do think shooting straight from the hip in an assertive, non-fear way gives us the opportunity to show Mr. Potential who we are, what we are about and what our values are from day one.
If Mr. Potential runs screaming, then he wasn’t really Mr. Potential now was he?!
Too often my single gal pals ask me if they should do this or that…if they should say this or that…or worse that they won’t tell him this or that until much later on. My answer to their questions is usually the same.
What do you WANT to do? If you want to text him and ask him why he hasn’t called in a week, go for it! What’s the worst that can happen? He bails? All it means is that he is not a fit for you.
Good riddance. There’s the door, don’t let it hit you on the way out. Bye Bye! Next!!!
Why are we sometimes so afraid to just be ourselves and show who we are? Usually the answer is that we are too afraid to lose the guy or scare him off and that just goes back to my point. If he’s a scaredy pants, wouldn’t you rather know early?!
Or…we hide our true selves out of the fear of rejection. I’ve seen too many beautiful women turn straight to the mirror when a guy bailed and ask, “What’s wrong with me? Why didn’t he like me?”
In dating, we are looking for a fit; a partner that is our match and our complement. There’s no right or wrong. If a guy isn’t a good fit for you because he’s into upside-down sex with a video camera and you cut him loose, it doesn’t mean he’s bad or should change. Quite the opposite. It just means he should continue searching for someone who IS a good fit and likes that kind of thing. Likewise for us ladies.
We can often get way too wrapped up in what we think we should be, or should say, or should do. We get hung up on what we think is “right” or sociably acceptable rather than being true and authentic about whom we are. What’s it matter if I think you “should” do or say something if it’s not a true expression of whom you are?!?!
Again, I am not talking at date #1 but if you are a few weeks in and you are the type that likes to text back and forth a lot…or spend a lot of time together…or maybe likes it a little more cool…why wouldn’t you showcase that to see if both of you are on the same page?
Why waste time trying to fit into a mold that you’re going to break apart down the road? Just be yourself.
We get swallowed up by hurt feelings or wondering what is wrong with us instead of marveling in our awesomeness and showing it off at every opportunity.
Yeah…it can suck. Dating can hurt. You can find yourself used by a douchebag. That blows. But don’t let the sometimes ugly sides of dating dissuade you from the task at hand: finding your life partner and soul mate.
Dating and falling in love ain’t for sissies. It’s hard. It means putting yourself out there and risking getting hurt. But that’s the price of admission for love. When you find someone that fits into you and your life like a glove, it’s worth it. Because you aren’t looking over your shoulder afraid of what’s going to happen when he gets to know you the real you…or exhausting yourself pretending to be someone you really aren’t.
If you want to hang at his place and watch movies but you aren’t ready to put out…just say so.
Just be yourself…
What do you think? Am I totally off my rocker with this age-old dating advice? What’s your best dating advice?
About Natalie Hartford
Natalie Hartford is an urban redneck; a cross-breed of city girl and redneck. She loves high heels, bling, all things pink and sparkly along with ball caps, 4X4ing, camping, and drinkin’ beer. She often mistakes tacky for fahbulous!
By day, she sports dress pants, button downs, and suits putting her bachelor degree in journalism to good use working in public relations. By night and weekend, she’s a pink goddess blogger divine spreading laughter, smiles, and zany word fun all over the blogosphere.
If you want more of Natalie, don’t be shy:
There’s nothing she likes more than talking (ain’t that the truth) and connecting with her peeps. Give her a shout, y’all will be BFF before ya know it!