Jane’s Sad Tale of Naked Woe…

Outside TPYou know we love to cut up here a bit on Mondays so today, I’m going to share a dating story that you will have only heard if you were one of the five people who’ve hung out at More Cowbell from the beginning.

Since I have a fairly rambunctious group of friends, I often have to change names to protect the not-so-innocent. We’ll call this woman “Jane.” Here is her sad tale…

Jane was in a dry spell when this date happened.

Note: For the uninitiated, “Dry Spell” means she hadn’t “gotten any” in a LONG time *if you know what I mean*. (And when I say a “long time,” I mean more years than I can count on one hand.)

Jane was more than a little excitable by the second date with this guy. She wasn’t seeing a love match, but she was seeing Mr. Get-Between-The-Sheets-right-now. So, in very un-characteristic Jane fashion, she took this guy home and introduced him to her sheets.

When they finished the deed, Jane took a trip to the ladies room, and realized that she REALLY had to go. (As in, “not potty.”)

Keep in mind, Jane’s guesthouse is a small cottage with big windows, and a single bathroom, located in the corner of the bedroom.

She could not bring herself to go “#2” with this man on the other side of that door.

[I was snorting with laughter at this point in her story. My comment was: “So you can bring Mr. Right Now home and tear up your sheets with him, but you can’t go to the bathroom with him in your house??”

Her response was: “Not like that!”]

Nope. The big bathroom business wasn’t going to happen a mere 10 feet away from the guy.

Instead, our pal Jane grabbed some toilet tissue, climbed out the bathroom window and ran across her backyard to do her business behind a bush. Her little house sits at the back of a large fenced property so she wasn’t super worried about privacy.

(I asked why she even bothered hiding. Her answer? “I was naked.”)

In retrospect, what Jane should have worried about was a robe. Or her auto-locking windows. When she jumped down from the window ledge, it shut far enough to engage her window stop — that doohickey latch that keeps your window from opening more than two inches.

She had to creep around to the front porch (where she could be seen) and ring her own doorbell.

She said she has never been more embarrassed than she was that night, standing on her front porch without a stitch on, laying it heavy on the bell. Eventually, her date figured out something was wrong and answered the door.

She got him dressed and gone in record time.

I couldn’t even FIND a good moral to this story (I was laughing too hard) – can you? Do you have any embarrassing dates of your own to share? And why is bathroom humor always so funny? Enquiring minds always want to know these things here at More Cowbell!

Jenny

HolidayYum-3Have you been following the Holiday Yum series? Estee Lavitt posted a killer recipe for Latkes over the weekend in honor of Hannukah. You can access all the Holiday Yum recipes here.

Enjoy!

About Jenny Hansen

Avid seeker of "more"...More words, more creativity, More Cowbell! An extrovert who's terribly fond of silliness. Founding blogger at Writers In The Storm (http://writersinthestormblog.com). Write on!
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45 Responses to Jane’s Sad Tale of Naked Woe…

  1. OMG…ROFLMAO!!

    This would give some of my friends’ bad dates/embarrassing moments (which are pretty hilarious) a run for their money…POOR Jane!!!!

    Moral of the story…just take the shit!

    LOL!!!

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Natalie, I like your style. I’ll admit it though…if I was a tiny thing like Jane, I *might* have gone out the window. However, being more normally sized, I’d have just gotten the moment over with and lit a match.🙂

      Like

  2. KA-SHNORT! and BWAhahahaha!

    Yes, this one deserved both. I howled. Poor Jane on her dry spell. I empathize. Been there, done that. Or, more accurately…not done that in duet mode. IYKWIM.

    Okay! So! She takes care of Job One inside. [See Jane. See Jane and Dick. See Jane and Dick bounce the balls.]

    Um. Sorry. I couldn’t help myself. You won’t hurt my feelings if you censor me on that comment, Jenny.

    Job Two with Pooh goes outside.

    Now, she has choices. She’s already naked. It’s been a dry spell. Inquiring minds want to know why Jane didn’t go for Job Three while she was naked? Maybe that’s my inner libidinous cougar Romance Writer speaking. We always go for the happy endings. Just sayin’…

    Like

  3. Jess Witkins says:

    That is so Desperate Housewives I love it! Hysterical!

    If it makes poor Jane feel better, I’ll share my embarrassing story. A long time ago, a boyfriend and I were “getting it on” on the roof of an abandoned building. Sounds romantic right, high over the downtown, stars above, twinkling streetlight below. Yah, all good until we’re walking home and realized that roof was COVERED in fiber glass. My ass itched the whole next day and I had to throw those panties away!

    How’s that for undie chronicles?! LOL

    Like

  4. zkullis says:

    Oh Jane, dear, dear Jane.

    GREAT story! If I had been in her shoes, with somebody that had fullfilled their due dilligence in helping me reach a certain goal, then I wouldn’t have worried about what my “c-OH!-hort” would have thought about some extra volume on the throne.

    In fact, Jane was only a few steps away from making sure this was in fact a one time deal.

    1. Don’t close the door all of the way.
    2. Start quiet, but move towards excessively loud gutteral sounds, throw in a few grunts, some squeaks, maybe even neigh and whinny just to add to the moment.
    3. As the guy in the bed is probably considering getting dressed at this moment, it’s time to go for the gold. Grab something heavy, hold it a few feet over the toilet, and cry out loudly “Arrrghh” (or something similar, the right choice of onomatopoeia will hit you at the moment) and drop the heavy object into the water.

    Wait a few minutes. If you hear the guy getting dressed with preternatural speed, then smile, knowing that you have just earned some peaceful sleep. If he is still there, with a look of horror on his face, come out of the bathroom with some water splashed on your face, panting, and ask him if he is ready for round two. If he is even remotely okay with round 2, get out and never call him back.

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      OMG, I am CRYING with laughter right now. It’s a very, very, *very* good thing that you’re not female. You’d be hell. on. wheels!

      It’s the ‘potty onomatopoeia” part that’s killing me right now…

      Like

      • zkullis says:

        I dressed in drag once, on a dare. I WAS hell on high-heels. 😉
        Thanks for such a great post!

        Like

        • You whaaaaat? On a dare?

          Zack, Zack, Zack. You should have at least pretended you were on an undercover (no space optional if you’re in “drag” IYKWIM) operation.

          You have a rep to uphold, G-man.

          Like

          • And, this is what happens when one doesn’t properly close italics in HTML code. The risks of being a show-off.

            Could be worse. I could be showing off…

            No. Not that.

            Erm. Nope. Not that either. Should hit “cancel reply” but it would be a take-away from my word count for the day.

            Like

          • zkullis says:

            😉 I grew up with a fear of people that swap shoes and change sweaters too often, so I didn’t watch much Mr. Rogers. Consequently, my ability to pretend suffered.

            I will work on keeping my rep up, Gloria! 😀

            Like

    • The only man I know who is willing to teach a woman the fifty-first way to lose a lover.

      And, one who can both use and spell onomatopoeia properly.

      Bet you’d be hell on keys with the sound effects needed to write a steam scene.

      Those talents, properly directed…?

      Mind blowing boggling.

      Like

      • zkullis says:

        I’m blushing….. Alas, I’ve already discussed writing steam with my Big Brother and was strongly advised to not direct talents down that particular literary vein.

        So I stick with darker stuff. C’est la vie

        Like

  5. K.B. Owen says:

    Oh. My. Word. Poor “Jane”! She’s a pretty athletic gal, if you think about it – climbing naked out the bathroom window – AFTER gettin’ busy! Thanks for the big ol’ grin today, Jenny! 😀

    Like

  6. Sharla Rae says:

    I always get a kick out your blogs Jen. So funny. Thanks for today’s first smile–laugh out loud!

    Like

  7. Emma says:

    Poor Jane. I think I would have just suffered and waited to go to the bathroom until he’d left. I’d be okay with a boyfriend but with someone I just met, nooo. What is it with us women and toilets? It’s not like men don’t have sisters and mothers and know women too have to do our business. I went on a holiday many years ago with a college boyfriend and got very ill – you know, vomiting, diarrhoea, the whole horrible shebang. Well, we had very little secrets after that and continued to go out for another year and a half🙂

    Like

  8. Ok way too fantastic not to share!! I feel for ya *Jane*!!! Thank you for being you as, I was cleaning puke bright and early this morning and needed this story so much!😀

    Like

  9. tomwisk says:

    Loved it. It could work its way onto the list of recurring nightmares. But on the up side, “Jane” got her itch scratched and gave the guy a “crazy chick” story he’d be drinking free on for a while.

    Like

  10. And the guy might not even have noticed. Or minded. They don’t. LOLOLOLOL!

    Like

  11. Don’t eat the bean burrito on the second date?🙂

    Awesome story! So glad it isn’t mine!

    Like

  12. Catie Rhodes says:

    I never expected that. And, no, I wouldn’t have have doo-dooed a mere ten feet away from him. What if you farted really loud? You can get naked with people and still not necessarily want to fart in front of them. (laughing) The only other choice Jane had was to go back out into her room, tell the guy her husband was due home in 30 minutes, and ask him to please leave. LOL

    Like

  13. Well…rather than head out the window to the woods, she should have just given the guy a big kiss, smiled widely and exclaimed….”Oh my God! I’ve been SO constipated for the past couple of weeks…and YOU just cured it. Go crank the stereo up as loud as you can, and I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

    Or she could have just stuck with the window and the woods. Yeah. That was probably the better choice. Except for the whole window locking experience, of course. 🙂

    Like

  14. Patricia says:

    Oh my goodness. In my opinion, nothing is worse than pooping in the woods. Nothing. Just use the damn toilet.

    Now farting whist in bed on this ever-so-important first time deal – that’s a travesty.

    Good stuff here on this Monday!

    Patricia Rickrode
    w/a Jansen Schmidt

    Like

  15. BAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I’m sitting in an airport departure lounge laughing out loud. Jenny, your Cowbell posse always gets your comments section steaming! So tell us … was that the end of that guy or did she end up marrying him?

    Like

  16. I love this story. I love those stories that are so funny they become almost part of our history.

    Somehow I can imagine myself doing something like this myself. Not now that I’m an old married woman…

    Like

  17. BWAHAHAHA! This was awesome!

    Like

  18. Pingback: What NEVER to Say on the First Date | Jenny Hansen's Blog

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