Missed Connections: Which of These Train Wrecks Needs the Most Dating Advice?

Natalie Hartford and I have been killing ourselves over Craigslist’s Missed Connections this week. We’ve been completely incapable of containing our mirth.

At one point, Nat laughed so hard, she’s been home bed browsing all week!

Today I’m providing the prelude to the grand finale next week. Thasss right…on Monday, our pal Natalie is going to start giving some dating do’s and don’ts to the ho-bags misguided souls at Missed Connections. But first WE all have to do our part.

And what is our very important job here at More Cowbell today?

We must exercise our right to vote!

Below I’ve listed YOUR favorite 4 connections, along with the stellar bonus one Stacy Green included in the comments section (much to our delight).

The four below made your favorites list; now you must choose only ONE.  Can you do it?? 🙂

From Natalie:

To the cute guy in lime green tank at gym by 6 am

[I LOVE that y’all picked Nat’s and my “fake” posts in your list of favorites!]

We work out at the same gym. You’re almost always there when I go. Usually on the treadmill or stair master around 6 am. I bet I could bounce quarters off your ass, it’s so tight! We’ve chit chatted. I try to keep my composure. You have no idea that while making small talk, all I can think about is pouring honey down your chiselled chest and licking it off as it trails down your treasure trail. You always smile at me and I hope this means you feel the chemistry to. Maybe you want to pour chocolate on parts of me? I am to shy to ask you out. Today you were wearing tight black shorts with a light green tank. It showed off your great build and great complexion. I wanted to spank you. If you are reading this and you’d like to go for a walk sometime, respond and tell me what I was wearing today.

You stuck my flash drive in your vagina

[There are no words…]

You stuck my flash drive in your vagina. If you are reading this, you know who you are. I don’t think this is a fad sweeping the city, so this one’s for you.
We met at a Millcreek Tavern. You said you were from Lancaster. You were beautiful, you liked me. It was perfect. But then…
We went back to my apartment. We watched The Breakfast Club. You had never seen it before. We then ended up in my bed, as planned. And had sex, as planned.
You looked beautiful half covered in my sheets when I left to use the bathroom. When I came back, this is what I saw:
You standing naked at my computer. You with your hand on the keyboard, not typing. You grabbing the flash drive.
The flash drive pops out.
You look at it.
You squat a little bit.
You insert it into your vagina, like a tampon.
I am speechless.
You proceed to get dressed, say you have to go home, and leave. The number you gave me doesn’t work.
I am confused. I’d like to see you again. I’d like to see my flash drive again.
Your name is Rebecca. You have long blond hair.
Please get in touch. I am a very understanding person.

From Jenny:

You Dropped Your Bible and I Saw Your Thong

[I know, I know…y’all saw undies and thought this was fake. I didn’t even try to be tricky.]

I was walking down the sidewalk and you, a very good looking woman from the backside, dropped what appeared to be the Holy Bible, bent to pick it up, and (through no fault of my own) I saw your thong…and wow.

I know Jesus spent some time with Mary Magdalene, and likely she wore next to nothing under those sackcloths, but I have to admit, your short skirt and fluorescent pink thong were way sexier, and made me want to get to “know you”, in the Biblical sense of course. I’m not Christian, but if we can stick to the Basic 10 Commandments and leave the Pope out of it, I think we’ll be OK.

Oh, by the way, I was the very tall, tan, curly-haired, non-Christian gentleman walking behind you.

You Got Naked In My Trash

[This is a true story for the first two paragraphs. Hubby had this experience at 16!]

Yesterday afternoon while stocking the shelves in a local art gallery, I spied movement out our back door. It’s painted black to protect our merchandise so you couldn’t see me but boy howdy could I see you! You were taking off your clothes in the middle of our trash area and gave me the best 5 minutes of my life. You’ve got some sexy merchandise and would be a worthy addition to our collection.

You put on a pink t-shirt, black leather skirt and CFM pumps. I can only assume you were getting ready for a “date” at the apartment complex across the street.

I’d love to know your name. Better yet, I’d love to see you strip someplace better smelling, like my bedroom. Tell me the name of the apartment complex behind the strip mall so I’ll know it’s you.

From Stacy:

NYC Craigslist “Missed Connections” – You farted in Trader Joe’s – m4w (Danbury, CT)

“You were the tall brunette with the near perfect body that farted in the bread section last night. I was the tall guy next to you that looked over and asked, “Was that you?” You quickly replied “No…Wasn’t me!” You almost seemed insulted I would ask. As the stink grew you continued to deny your flatulence, but it was evident. I tried to get rid of the stench by waving 2 loafs of Ciabatta bread. You proceeded to storm off in an angry manner. You are beautiful and even if you are a liar and fart like a Clydesdale, I’d love to meet up sometime.”

http://newyork.craigslist.org/fct/mis/1494504262.html

Who needs the MOST help from Natalie and her Hubby??

What’s would YOU tell these people? What’s the best relationship or dating advice you ever received? Who gave it to you? Enquiring minds always want to know these things here at More Cowbell!

Jenny