Dr. Love and The Case of The People-Eating Sponge

Still of Elaine from NBC’s “Seinfeld”

More Cowbell Monday is always about laughter. It’s just a rule around here that we start the week that way.

Over the weekend, I saw the 119th Seinfeld episode, titled The Sponge. Of all the shows I’ve watched, this is in my top three.

Every woman I know died laughing over Elaine putting her boyfriend through a rigorous testing to see if he was “sponge-worthy.”

Here’s a link to the actual interview with the guy. (Elaine takes this opportunity to make him clean his bathroom and “lose the sideburns.”)

I mean, how do you not laugh at this:


The Today sponge and I have an adversarial relationship
and Seinfeld’s “sponge-worthy” episode takes me back to a personal very embarrassing episode in college involving the stupid sponge.

Keep in mind, this hate-hate relationship started back in the late 1980’s, before the internet really hit the scene. We had computers, but it wasn’t like you could just zip online and look stuff up. Back in the day, when my roomate handed me a Today sponge, there was no How-To Guide to figure the damn thing out.

All I had was my little 4’11” roomate saying: “Of course they’re easy! Insert it like an OB tampon and when you want to take it out, just bear down and shimmy a little. It’ll fall in the floor.

Um, no. It didn’t really work that way at all.

There was no shimmy. There was no “falling out.”

In fact, after the deed and through the next day, there was no budging that thing. And trust me, I tried all sorts of maneuvers that are way too embarrassing to mention. That sucker was wedged up in the bleacher seats *if you know what I mean*.

Ditto the day after that.

That’s when I started to get nervous.

On the THIRD day I went to the emergency room, which thankfully was close to the back entrance of my dorm. I say “thankfully” because I was desperately uncomfortable and pretty much waddling like a slutty duck at this point.

One of my pals hung out with me while I balanced on one butt cheeck in the ER, waiting to be seen. (I couldn’t sit down).

My roomate was making herself scarce at this point. She was afraid I was going to get toxic shock from HER sponge and she couldn’t handle it.

Anyway, back to me and my abused vajayjay, perched in the waiting room….

The ER triage team called me back to a bed and sent in a super-cute doctor whose name would have sent me scurrying from the ER if I’d been capable. My young resident was named Dr. Love and I’m sure he saw idiot freshmen like me every day of the week.

Dr. Love saved the day and got the stupid thing out. I started on seriously strong meds to prevent a systemic infection and vowed never EVER to use the Today sponge again.

The story was the stuff of legend amongst my circle of friends, and The Case of The People-Eating Sponge  was told LONG after we all graduated. It sure is a good thing God takes care of fools and children. At that point in my life, I was both.🙂

Do you have slap-your-head moments from your school years? Care to share them in the comments? Enquiring minds LOVE to know these things here at More Cowbell!

Jenny

About Jenny Hansen

Avid seeker of "more"...More words, more creativity, More Cowbell! An extrovert who's terribly fond of silliness. Founding blogger at Writers In The Storm (http://writersinthestormblog.com). Write on!
This entry was posted in Health, Humor and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

38 Responses to Dr. Love and The Case of The People-Eating Sponge

  1. Change Today sponge for Tampon, and we have the same story. I didn’t realize I’d left one in while I was…um…busy scrapbooking.

    Until the smell. It was disgusting.

    You are my soul-sistah.

    Can I tell you? I thought this piece was going to be on Sponge-Bob! LOL!

    Like

  2. K.B. Owen says:

    OMG, you poor thing! I remember first learning to use a diaphragm in the doctor’s office. They fit you with a sample one, and then have you practice putting it in and taking it out. First time I tried taking it out, it sort of “got away” from me and sailed across the room like a frisbee. LOL!

    Thanks for the laugh, Jenny!

    Like

  3. Laura Drake says:

    Hon, they have a little strap on them! Did you put it in upside down? Jeez, this would happen to you, Jenny. Those danged college medical places are halls of shame. I had my very first yeast infection at college, and went to one. They asked mortifying questions, and refused to believe I was a virgin (in the 70’s? Yes, I WAS still the horrid ‘V’ word.) I walked out, offended, scandalized, and mortified. Never darkened their damn door again. Even with pneumonia.

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      I told you…WEDGED IN THE BLEACHER SEATS. I couldn’t get at any little strap. It was mortifying, painful and beyond embarrassing. Why do you think I shared? We are not alone!!🙂

      Like

  4. KA-SHNORT!!!!

    I am so glad I’m wearing sweats that match my morning coffee, Jenny. I love that episode of Seinfeld. Your trauma tops it on the snort-meter.

    Did I ever do anything stupid? Anything so embarrassing I chose to delay the inevitable and try to solve the problem on my own? Negate the need to visit a doctor?

    No. Hell, yes. It involved an OB thingie (referenced above). Back-in-the-day, I must have been too motivated tipsy toppled to remember to remove said thingie before…

    Well, you know. And, the male involved obviously didn’t suffer from OMG syndrome, or he would have noticed the presence of said thingie. He shoved the dang string-thing out of sight, out of mind. Mornings later, I began to notice a peculiar odor. “What could it be? Did I have an STD? Was my butt about to fall off?”

    I tried every cleansing remedy known to womankind before I visited the doctor. He fixed my problem. And, he gave me sage counsel: “From now on, please put a mark on a piece of paper each time you insert a thingie, and cross it off when you take it out.”

    I suspect he hoped I lost his office telephone number.

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Holy cowbell, Gloria…poor you!!! I’ll bet that doctor did hope you lost his number quickly. Though, really, they see stuff like this every day.

      I know 3 friends with this exact same story. (Sadly, none of their partners had OMG either…)

      Like

  5. Emma says:

    Ha ha. Thanks for the laugh on a rainy Monday, Jenny. Didn’t Carrie’s diaphragm get lost in Sex and the City and good old Samantha had to help her fish it out.

    Like

  6. Coleen Patrick says:

    “wedged up in the bleacher seats” LOL Jenny! Thanks for the laugh🙂

    Like

  7. OMG! Too funny…Dr Love?! Seriously? The universe does have a sense of humor. My brain won’t even let me get to an embarrasing story…it has “wedged it up in the bleacher seats” (love this phrase!) and it’s no way, no how coming down as a memory.🙂 But, thanks for sharing, you brave girl!

    Like

  8. I am killing myself laughing. I can almost see you shimmying and shaking and then resting on one butt cheek. Only you could tell this story this hilariously.

    And that Seinfeld episode was pure brilliance. Jerry’s line about having sex with someone you admire made me spit out my tea.

    And bleacher seats. We all know what goes on there….

    Like

  9. The stuff you ladies have to go through! Speaking for all guy-dom, I push my chair away from this table, stand straight and offer a hearty salute for not only going through events such as these, but also for being brave enough to share them all. *salutes*

    -Jimmy

    Like

  10. Stacy Green says:

    This is a classic Seinfeld episode, second only to Master of My Domain. And LMAO at your experience – why is it ALWAYS a super cute doc who gets to work on our lady parts?

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      I know!!! It’s got to be the universe telling us not to be morons about our lady parts. If I could’ve run away from Dr. Love, I would have. He was sooooo cute.

      Like

  11. Lynn Kelley says:

    OMG, you have the funniest stories, Jenny. And the comments here are pretty hilarious, too. I must have been living under a rock because I’d never heard of a diaphragm as a sponge. The only one I have experience with wasn’t anything like a sponge. And I obviously didn’t use it right because I got pregnant on the first shot.

    As for embarrassing moments, I’m sure I have them, but the brain isn’t retrieving any right now. I do thank you for the laughs. This stuff gets me through trying days!

    By the way, kudos to you for having the guts to share this story. Not sure I could have fessed up!

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Oh, the sponge and the diaphragm are different – mostly because the diaphragm is re-usable. I’ll bet you could find some great stories in there if you searched your brain.🙂

      Like

  12. So sorry for you Jenny! And to become an urban legend, that just tops it!

    The sponge went away just in time for me to really need it, in between getting pregnant with my kiddos. Husbands are not big condom fans, been there, done that. That stupid diaphragm was way worse! When the doctor came back to check on me and I STILL didn’t have it in, her eyebrows went up, and she checked her watch. Hence the fact that my kids are only 18 months apart. Of course, since it took a year to get pregnant the first time, who guessed it really only took once?

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Despite the fact that a sponge might’ve been welcome at that point in your life, I’ve always thought having your kids boom-boom like that makes life easier in the long run. You’re swimming in diapers for several years, but then it’s all out of the way at once.

      LOL on your diaphragm story. One of my pals showed her’s to me once I KNEW I’d never master it.🙂

      Like

  13. OMG I can’t believe I missed this post till right now. ROFLMAO!! Stellar!!
    The comments are spectacular. Who knew we could all related!!!
    I will admit. I had a similar experience (and not to long ago) with those Ben Wa balls. They claim you can work your kegels by walking around trying to “hold the balls in”. YEAH RIGHT!?!?! I couldn’t get the damn things back OUT!!! Poor hubby. I was in sheer hysteria panic mode. I squatted. I pushed. I prodded (the darn things get SLIPPERY when wet). NADA! I had visions of going to the Emergency. “Ah hi…yes…I seem to have some balls stuck up my twat…”
    In the end, when I relaxed, I was finally able to retrieve them. Seems I have a little “shelf” in their that they got suctioned up onto. Hubby says I got me a tight one. WAHAHAHAAHA!!!
    No more balls for me!
    Nothing without a string to be quite frank!
    GREAT post….LMAO!!!!

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      See? You’ve got some bleacher seats too!! I knew we were twins. BAHAHAHA!

      What does hubby say about “No more balls for you?” And p.s. You can buy the Ben-Was with a string attached. Just sayin… I’ve never tried ’em for kegel exercises because I was too afraid they’d “clack” while I walked.

      Like

      • I do!! We are totally twins! LOL!

        Hubby wasn’t any too keen to go through the level of hysteria with me ever again…

        With strings attached!?!? Shut the front door…I am gonna have to get me a set of those! LOL!!!

        Like

  14. Good god! Thank god you were okay!! Never tried one of those things, never will. They scare the heck outta me. I’m racking my brain to think of a stupid incident in my life. I know I have plenty… get back to ya on that one😉

    Like

  15. Ah, the sponge. I love this Seinfeld episode and your post just took it to another level! Dr. Love, really?! I, too, have had my own humiliating female moments, including my mom buying me a nursing bra in seventh grade that I proceeded to show off in gym class (I just thought it was cool it could open up), or when I dropped my maxi pad on the public bus. Your post actually made me feel better about my own degrading experiences as a young female. Thanks so much for sharing and making me…LOL.

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      NO!! A nursing bra?? That’s the funniest (saddest) thing I’ve heard all day! Oh my God, poor you!!! So glad you stopped in and returned the LOL favor.🙂

      Like

  16. Never really heard of a sponge before this. I always used a diaphragm (fortunately I never flung one across the room). Gotta say I’m not really sorry about that either. But…this was hilarious! Thanks for sharing! 🙂

    Like

  17. Pingback: Urban Word Wednesday: Sexpiration Date – Natalie Hartford

Comments are closed.