Photo from lolgallery.com
Yesterday was Father’s Day and my hubby really gave it up for Team Dad. Through some miracle, our pastor was able to get him to agree to help give the Father’s Day sermon with two other dads.
Hubby’s talk had the inspirational title, “I Believe In Miracles.” (How sweet is that??)
He got up at the 9 am and the 11 am services and spoke about his journey to fatherhood and how it changed his life. I was completely proud.
Then our pastor looked at me and said the dreaded words, “It’s YOUR turn next year.” (Yikes!)
So, I started fantasizing about what I’d want to talk to other moms about. Of course my snarky side quickly emerged, if you know what I mean.
My First Few Speech Titles:
- Would I Be Arrested If I Left The Store While My Child Tantrums in Aisle 12?
- Babies and Funerals – Top 3 Embarrassing Moments
- The Breast Files – Look, Stranger Man, It’s a Nipple!
I ended up with “How Kids Send Your Dignity Packing,” which my hubby did not find very inspirational.
Y’all know I love my daughter – she’s the best thing that ever happened to me (besides meeting hubby).
BUT…
No one prepares you for how embarrassing kids are.
Yeah, yeah…all you grandparents, STOP LAUGHING. Your dignity is either already back, or you don’t care about it anymore.
Your child is no longer:
- Slinging poo (Look ma…squishy!!!)
- Blowing out diapers when you’re out alone with no changing table in sight
- Throwing a fit in the most public place they can find (always when you’re alone)
- Baring your breast to strangers while feeding (thank God this stage is over)
- Upchucking onto you and/or themselves (And how come they have killer aim when they can’t even see across the room?? Top targets: in the hair and down the shirt.)
- Repeating verbatim what you said about your alcoholic neighbor
- Masturbating in the most public fashion they can manage
My daughter has done all these things (multiple times, including #’s 2, 4 and 7 at a funeral) and still I adore her.
It’s a good thing she’s cute (see below).
It’s no surprise to me why Moms Who Need Wine and Valium With My Latte have huge Facebook followings. They get this whole lack of dignity thing and they laugh about it.
What’s the top embarrassing moment your kids and/or grandkids have perpetrated on you? Have you found some way to keep your dignity through it all (if so…share please!)? Enquiring minds always want to know these things here at More Cowbell!
Jenny
Jenny Hansen's Blog 
I am completely with you on the ‘not very inspirational’ moments. Here are some just off the top of my head:
1) Leaving half-chewed sweets in my handbag and everything in aforementioned bag drifted irresistably towards these sweets and ended up in a gloopey mess.
2) Surreptitiously smuggling a squeaky toy in my laptop bag, so that when I took out my laptop for a business presentation, I also revealed a dirty and very noisy cuddly duck.
3) Loudly announcing to all other parents at nursery or school fetes that ‘Mummy is soooo much older than Daddy.’ (OK, he’s a few months younger, but still…)
4) ‘No, Mummy is a liar – I already turned seven a few weeks ago!’ (when I was desperately trying to get the older brother to join the younger one at a supermarket creche while I did the shopping, and they wouldn’t accept anyone 7+).
5) Competing with other kids, whose parents have got the smelliest farts…
Need I say more?
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OMG, Marina! Gooey stuff in the purse?? Whose parents have the smelliest farts??
No, you don’t need to say more. Now I’m starting to appreciate toddlerhood while she’s still *learning* to speak, and is before the age of candy…
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Yep, enjoy it while it lasts!
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I either had no shame long before my son came along or he somehow hasn’t done anything embarassing – yet. If the latter is the case, I’m sure I’ll have more than my share when he’s a teenager. The one thing I can think of that my little man did to embarass me – which thankfully no one was around but myself to hear – was repeating a comment that his Daddy had made. The conversation went like this:
“I have small hands, Mommy.”
“Yes, you do.”
“And you have bigger hands.”
“That’s right.”
“And Daddy has even bigger hands.”
“You’re very smart.”
“I have a tiny butt.” (You can see where this is going already? Yea – I didn’t….)
“Yes you do. It’s very cute.”
“And Daddy has a big butt.”
*laugh* “Yes he does.”
“And you have a big big big big big butt!” (He says as he stretches his arms out wide to SHOW me how big it is….)
Yea. I walked into that one, I know. Should have seen it coming but I didn’t. *sigh* Oh well. Like I said, I lucked out that we were at home – alone – for that one. Still embarassed though! I immediately called his father at work to inform him of the conversation and his response just added insult to injury “That’s my boy!”
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Dang. There are no words, Anastasia. That’s some brutal logic there. A bunch of people on Twitter commented that we get revenge when they’re teens by whipping out the baby videos. I’d better be sure to take lots of them. 🙂
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I can’t tell you, Jenny. I have a professional online persona to maintain. But should we meet at a conference…
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Not even one teensy little story???
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Next time I’m in Dallas…
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Hang in there, your time is coming. Remember when your parents embarrassed the crap out of you in Junior High? You thought they were just dorks. Nope. That’s called payback. Welcome to the Secret Society, Jenny!
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Hmmmm…
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YES! haha. Kids are desperately embarrassing. My favorite thing to say (which I say quite often) after something profoundly disgusting happens (last time it involved the toilet brush) is: “MOTHERHOOD IS NOT GLAMOROUS!!” (I’m usually yelling this to myself).
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Nope, not in the slightest bit glamorous. Rewarding and fun, yes. A glam job? NO!
Question for you, EllieAnn…does it sound better in your head when you yell it?
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haha. it totally does sound better. 😉
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OMG….a FUNERAL!??!
Seriously, reason 2,000,345 that I am not having children. LOL!!! Oh well, keepin’ it real ain’t she!! And Baby Girl’s first VLOG…sensational!
Mom said I was a real treat as a child. She’d take me to the grocery store and as she pushed the cart, I’d stretch out my arms periodically to knock stuff off both aisle, simultaneously. Oh yes…she would just stop and marvel at my obvious natural born talents…and she’d laugh and laugh and laugh…I mean, who doesn’t get tickled pink by their child’s little bit of fun?!?!?!
Yes…reason 2,000,346 I won’t have a child – the mother’s curse would ensure I’d have one WORSE than I was. This means I’d be destined to birth the Devil Reincarnated. NO thanks. Think I’ll skip that pleasurable experience. LOL!!
GREAT post honey…and God bless all you peeps who venture out there into the world of parenthood – WAY braver than I!
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LOL. You and I were real treats to go grocery shopping with.
My mother loved to tell stories about how I had the LOUDEST whisper ever invented, especially in the store. The conversations would go like this in the check-out line:
“Mama! Can I play with your teeth?” (she had dentures)
“No, you can’t play with my teeth.”
“Why not? Take them out, mama.”
“Enough with the teeth, Jennifer.”
“Can I have some gum?”
“We’re not getting gum today, we’re getting groceries.”
“Why can’t we have gum AND groceries?”
“Because we can’t.”
“OK. Did you remember to get the penis butter?” (my way of saying peanut butter that she found particularly embarrassing)
“Yes, we have peanut butter.”
“Oh, goody. Can I have a sandwich when we get home?”
“Yes, Jennifer.”
No wonder parents hate going to the grocery store with their kids.
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BOYS…that’s all I’m gonna say. I’m not sure there is anything left for them to embarrass me with. Of course, just as I say that, one of them will figure some new level of torture for me. Somehow I’m paying for all the mischief That Man and his brothers got into as children. I’m holding out for payback 😉
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Let me know when you find it, Raelyn. I’m going to need to write that down.
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what a hoot, Jenny. Having survived that stage, and the teen years, and crazy, crazy brides, I’m pleased to say that nothing my grnadchildren do embarrasses or startles me. All those dopey rules I had about my kids when they were little? Gone. life is too short to fuss about that stuff. LOL
my grandson, a chip off the old block if there ever was one, was asked by his mother to step on the big ugly spider crawling in their home. He declined. “Why not?” I like spiders was his reply. “But I’ll take him outside if you’d like.” he calmly walked over and picked up the hairy beast and gently carried him outside and set him down. When he returned he said, “You don’t have to be afraid of a spider, Mom. They won’t hurt you, if you leave them alone.”
Yep, just like his dad.
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Totally agree with you, Louise, about grandkids. NOTHING they do embarrasses us … and that embarrasses their parents! Don’t you love it when your grown children have to ask you to stop laughing? You’ve got a long wait, Jenny … but it will go by in a flash. Enjoy every embarrassing moment! Seriously!
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yes, yes, and yes, It’s a wonderful time of life – and all grandkids are bright, inquisitive and beautiful. LOL
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OMG, she is so cute! The most embarrassing stuff for me would be when my guys, ever inquisitive, would ask the most impertinent questions or make observations to strangers that made me want to sink through the floor: “Why are you so fat?” “Your teeth look really dirty; did you forget to brush them today?” and “Does the black rub off on your clothes?”
I’d think Oh, God, just kill me now. No, my kids aren’t racist, insensitive, or obnoxious, they just wondered about crap like that. Sooooo many discussions in the car afterward.
Now they embarrass me in other ways, but it isn’t as bad as it used to be!
Thanks for a fun post, Jenny! Hey, I’ll bet the exposed boob really livened up the funeral, hahaha!
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She didn’t whip up the blanket at the funeral (thank the LORD), but she did what we call “chair-bating”…for like 30 minutes. Yeah, that’s good times…
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I didn’t get past the picture. OMG, I’m still laughing. 🙂
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Here’s the beauty, Jenny: When your daughter becomes a teenager, you get to embarrass her!!! And it’s not that hard. Merely existing in the same zip code will do it. As well as dancing and singing in the grocery store, threatening to hug and kiss your child in public, and kissing your husband passionately (ooh, gross!). It’s payback time, baby, and I am having a ball! 🙂
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Julie, you always reassure me. You just do.
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These are my favorite kinds of stories, Jenny. I started a weekly parenting post on Mondays sharing my own funny stories and anyone else’s who wants to contribute. They crack me up and perk up my spirits.
One memory that comes to mind was a couple weeks after Easter when I had an OBGYN appt. and had my youngest with me. She was in her car seat and I had smelled something stinky in the diaper bag before going into the doctor’s office. I found a receiving blanket that had some spit up on it, so I took it out. But once I had signed in and sat down waiting to be called, I smelled it again. I rummaged through the diaper bag some more, but couldn’t find anything. When they called my name, I could see heads turning from my peripheral vision as I walked across the room. Everyone smelled it. (I forgot to say that my sense of smell isn’t too keen due to allergies and always being congested.)
I knew the doctor smelled the stench but he never said a word. As soon as I got home, I had to get to the bottom of the stink. Finally, in an outside pocket that I never used, I found two cracked hard boiled dyed eggs. I guess my 5-year-old had stuck them in there at the Easter gathering to bring home and then forgot about them. I didn’t even know they were there. They must have cracked when I tossed the diaper bag into the car!
There are so many stories, and I’ve learned that if I don’t write them down, I forget most of them, so be sure and document them. You’ll appreciate the laughs years from now.
Ah, and teens do a darn good job of embarrassing the heck out of their parents even at that age. Payback or not. Believe me, this is the lull before the storm. You’ve got lots of fun times ahead! Your little girl is precious. A little blessing, for sure!
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OMG, Lynn! There is NOTHING worse than dead egg smell. You poor thing…
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I have some news for you – live long enough and you can get back at your daughter. At least once a week when I’m with my 84-year-old-mother she makes me want to crawl under something and disappear.
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I don’t know if I’ll live that long…we had her rather late. Here’s to hoping!
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Hilarious post, Jenny. And I loved the video of the Baby Girl. She is so adorable.
My most embarrassing moments right now come from my kids repeating my words or asking groan worthy questions in public. Or screaming in public or repeating naughty words they have heard me say. *sighs*
Most recent embarassments came in the swimming hall’s public sauna. My daughter glanced from me to a few other women and said: “Those ladies have smaller boobies than you do, mom.” And then she asked: “Look mom, why does that lady have a ribbon in her bum?”
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Thanks, Reetta! And I am so not looking forward to all the “stage whispers” she’s going to get me in trouble with…
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There are too many to post…
So I’m writing a book.
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That is fantastic-ness, Leanne! You know I’ll read it. 🙂
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