Losing It With The Fornication Nazi

no sex, health, humorIt’s a very rare thing for me to lose my temper. Not only is it not my way, but very few things really sneak in and push my buttons these days.

Except for last Friday.

Last Friday, I went to the Chinese accupuncturist that I love so much and I had a little moment. (OK, a big moment.)

You see, Doctor Dearest is working on my hormones. I don’t know how much the dudes at More Cowbell know about this, but when someone dinks with a gal’s hormones, even if it’s just with a needle in the side of the ankle, we tend to get testy.

I’ll cop to the testy part, but I think you’ll see that my fit of massive proportion was provoked.

Here’s how it went down:

Dr. Shu: Today we start on hormones and sugar. When you’re done, you get diet at front desk.

Me: All right. (Thinking it was more of the low to no carb diet from the prior week.)

Dr. Shu did the treatment, which consists of inserting the needles and then setting a timer to come back and take them out. 

Partway through my “cooking time,” I started fidgeting a little and got a searing pain up the front of my right calf and along the outside of my right ankle. I began banging on the wall (because it’s not like you’re standing with 18 needles in you) and shouting, “Helloooooo! Helloooo…”

Finally he came in and I said, “Oh, thank God!” and told him what was happening.

Dr. Shu: A-ha! This means there is hormone problem.

Me: [I’ll give you a problem…] Can you take it out? Like NOW?!

Dr. Shu: *hurrying* It’s out. It’s out. (His tone said, “O-kaaay, scary lady”)

He then told me I had to let the rest of the needles cook 10 more minutes so I was pretty feisty and impatient at the end of it all. When I went out to the front desk, the gal handed me a piece of paper with THIS on it:

The Treatment: Hormones Balance and Sugar/Carbohydrates balance

**AVOID:

  1. Red meats (beef, pork, lamb), red meat soups
  2. Any dairy product (milk, cheese, whey, yogurt product)
  3. Any chicken & egg products
    (but organic chicken and egg are OK to eat)
  4. Soy bean products (soy sauce, tofu, miso soup, lecithin, soy milk)
  5. Yam products
  6. Red fishes, fish egg, shellfish
  7. Hormones supplement (birth control, estrogen supplement, progesterone supplement)
  8. Sex life (hug or kiss is OK)
  9. No sugar and no carbohydrate products
  10. No fruits and no vegetables

I was fine until I hit #8 on the AVOID list. Not happy, but fine.

Backstory: I was gone at the DFW Conference for a week and I came home with the cold from hell, which I gave to the whole family. We’d all been sick for weeks, and were finally getting healthy.

At the risk of giving you too much information, we had a babysitter for Saturday night if you know what I mean. (Read: come hell or high water, there was gonna be serious nookie at Chez Hansen over the weekend.)

Plus, after two weeks of soup and eggs and bland food, we’d made reservations at our favorite restaurant for Part II of our date. I wasn’t in the right mindset for someone to say “Diet.”

By the time I hit #10, I was on fire.

Me: *eying the receptionist like she’s the devil* No fruits and vegetables? Is he kidding? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO EAT?

Her: The list of what you can eat is at the bottom of the page. (see below)

**You may eat:

  1. All white fishes
  2. All organic chicken & eggs
  3. All kinds of animal/vegetable oils and fats
  4. Salt and pepper are the only two sauces you may eat
  5. Any water/tea/coffee (without milk and sugar)

***After 2 days, you may go back to “low-carb/low-sugar” diet. (less than 20g of carbohydrate/sugar each day)

My fit kicked up a notch.

Me: So from now until Sunday, I can have white fish, organic chicken and COFFEE? Who are you guys kidding? I grow my own vegetables so I don’t have to worry about what’s organic. How can it possibly be good for you to have no fruits and vegetables?! And I HAVE A DATE TOMORROW NIGHT.

I was pretty loud by the end of this exchange. Really, at this point I was completely unglued.

Who could live like this, especially with no advance planning? Some of us had families to feed, errands to run…books to writePlus, I knew there was no way I’d be able to do Fast Draft on a diet of white fish and pepper.

The gal at the desk took one look at my face and said, “I’ll get Dr. Shu.”

I don’t know what she told him, but he hurried down the hall and said, “You have questions?”

Me: “YES, I HAVE QUESTIONS. Who can live on this diet? I have a date tomorrow night and this is not going to work at all. No sex?? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?”

Dr. Shu: We reset hormones—

Me: I DON’T THINK YOU HAVE A CLUE ABOUT MY HORMONES. We’ve been sick at our house for almost three weeks. I HAVE A DATE TOMORROW NIGHT. #8 is unacceptable. When did you guys become the Fornication Nazis?

Dr. Shu: One moment, I be right back. [He ducked into a patient room and came back a few minutes later.] *taps piece of paper over #8* This one, OK. Everything else on the list, you avoid.

Me: Hmph. (Not remotely mollified.) This is a ridiculous diet.

Now mind you, I thought the waiting room was completely empty while I was having this hissy fit. However, when I opened the door to leave, I saw both a man and a woman sitting out there.

[I was still so on fire that I was only a teensy bit embarrassed.]

The man studiously avoided making any eye contact with me and kept his head down. The woman sitting across from him gave me a wide-eyed look and asked, “What is ON that diet??!”

I didn’t even say anything, I just handed her the paper.

As her eyes scanned down the page, she started mumbling. “Uh-uh. No. Oh, no! Nu-uh.” She handed it back quickly and said, “That’s CRAZY.”

Me: I know!!

So, I ask you, my More Cowbell Posse…would you  have had a fit in the Fornication Nazi’s office? If not, please tell me how you would have handled it instead. Seriously, I need tools. Plus, enquiring minds LOVE to know these things here at More Cowbell!

Jenny

About Jenny Hansen

Avid seeker of "more"...More words, more creativity, More Cowbell! An extrovert who's terribly fond of silliness. Founding blogger at Writers In The Storm (http://writersinthestormblog.com). Write on!
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61 Responses to Losing It With The Fornication Nazi

  1. alberta says:

    well number 8 might not have worried this old lady as much as you but for goodness sake why not just put you on water and be done with it. How is anything going to work on that pathetic list of ‘can haves’ – with you girl. maybe a leeeetle more tact and diplomacy – nah I would have ranted:)

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  2. Not that it would have made much difference, but he should have just called it “three days of fast & abstinence.” it would have prepared you more fully for the “lack” of, stuff. Instead, his “diet” just teased and seemed kind of random. As for your reaction, well, he did mess with your hormones, he got what was coming to him. LOL.

    Like

  3. Oh, yeah. I would have been fire-breathing angry had this happened to me. Would I have thrown a fit? It depends on my mood that day. And, after enduring severe pain, my mood would not have been in a Zen Zone.

    Honestly? I questioned this dude’s treatment plan when you posted about him the first time. You’re sick, can’t seem to get over a cold and he nods and smiles? “Good. Good. This means hormone cleanse working.” With needles at hand, I might have been tempted to give him his own hormone cleanse. Right in the hangy downs.

    Did he even tell you why you need a hormone cleanse? I dunno, I may have had to quack, quack, quack my way through his waiting room. When (if) you go back, wear a Daffy Duck Tee Shirt. Just saying…

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    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Oh, I know my hormones are not up to snuff. I’ve been thinking I had “early menopause” for like 3 years now, even though my blood tests don’t support it. If he can fix that, I’m in. But you don’t spring a diet like that on someone with no notice.

      “Quack, quack”…you slay me, Gloria!

      Like

    • LWSpotts says:

      This is one of the best comments I’ve read – ever. The “hangy downs” – still laughing about that!😀

      Like

  4. Seriously, the way I work, I wouldn’t have questioned a damn thing and just walked out of there obediently ready to follow the doctor’s plan because the doctor is the one in charge. Finding and using my voice is still one of the life lessons I’m learning. I love how you use your voice! How you question (in real life, not just on the page) and don’t just accept what is if it doesn’t make sense to you. Are you going to do it?

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    • Jenny Hansen says:

      I completely did NOT do the diet. The first two days are the most important anyway and I just wasn’t willing. I “might” do it after discussing with him that he needs to lay the entire diet out start to finish IN ADVANCE so I can shop and plan for it. Who the hell keeps a week’s worth of white fish in their house?

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  5. I’m with Kasey. I’m a huge big-mouth, except when it comes to medicine when I become very compliant. This is why I had a false bipolar diagnosis for two years. Eventually I will write about this, but I’m still too pissed. So are you gonna do the diet?

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    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Oh, I’d be mad about that diagnosis too, Renee! I grew up with an excellent nurse so I always question if I don’t understand something medically. If they can explain it to me, I’m completely compliant. If it doesn’t make sense? Well, um…you read the blog.🙂

      Like

  6. Mike says:

    Pretty standard Chinese diet for whatever ails you, I’m afraid. No meat, no vegetables, nothing with flavour. It balances your fire and your bile and your earth. Or something. What it doesn’t do is make a lot of sense when considered in the light of what we know about nutrition and modern (real) medicine.

    I will also point out that with more than 1.6 billion people here, a lot of them are failing to follow that diet very closely when they *are* sick (except for possibly the birth control part).

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    • Jenny Hansen says:

      LOL…obviously I have plenty of “fire.” This was my first experience with such a stupid diet.

      Like

    • drimhof says:

      Hormone cleansing is all about finding balance in the body between yin & yang. When your chi is stagnant and not flowing correctly through your meridians you will have problems that manifest in all kinds of ways. We use acupuncture for everything in my practice from pain, hypertension, hot flashes, digestion, weight loss, infections, Cranky McStank-ies that crawl in and everything else, even plantar facitis!
      It doesn’t make sense when viewed with a western medicine approach that is about 1500 years younger than Chinese medicine. They just approach the body, the mind and the soul from a different perspective with different goals. We like to cover it up and make it go a way. They like to bring it boiling to the surface, over-flow the pot and be done with it. I know my acupuncturist will kick my a** in treatment but I will be done and over with my issue quickly.

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      • mliddle says:

        I agree w/drimhof. Chinese medicine has very different assumptions about the human body, therefore treatment is different. The treatment won’t change as long as you go to an acupuncturist. 🙂
        Perhape it would help, Jenny, if he could give you an advance warning about potential treatment options. From now on you know to schedule your appts. for a Monday & then you can at least have your sex on the weekend. Isn’t that called Tantric sex? 🙂
        Monique

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  7. tomwisk says:

    Dr. Shu is messing with too much. My old boss Arnold the Chef told me “Chicken soup will cure anything espacially if doses of fine bourbon are taken in moderation. Chefs don’t lie. We feed people. Why would we give you anything bad for you?

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    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Tom, I love the “if doses of fine bourbon are taken in moderation” part. That rocks. I don’t much love bourbon but i’ll bet your pal Arnold and I would get along famously.

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  8. Stacy Green says:

    I agree with Tom. Jenny, I’ve done the low carb thing (how I lost all that weight), and I’ll tell you, it’s very hard to keep it off and maintain. I swear it changed your metabolism. Just be careful you don’t mess with too much.

    And yes, I would have been full on bitchy and not caring who heard me. I can by shy in person. Unless I’m mad.

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  9. Well, first of all, no one is sticking needles in me. I can handle a single shot if it’s quick, but anything more than that and I pass out and twitch like I’m having a seizure (or so I’ve been told). So I think you’re brave for even letting someone stick you with 18 needles.

    As for the diet, I probably wouldn’t have thrown a fit. I just wouldn’t have obeyed it. I know that’s kind of passive-aggressive, but I can be really stubborn when something doesn’t make logical sense to me. If the problem was hormones, I would have just eaten organic for the week and called it even🙂

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    • Jenny Hansen says:

      These are like the thinnest needles in the world, Marcy. They’re really not painful at all. I only have a needle phobia if it’s going into my veins. The rest of the time, they don’t bug me.

      My husband told me later that he would have done it your way. Not had a fit and just left. I did eat organic for the whole week, but then I usually do. I was just having “a moment” on Friday afternoon, and i wasn’t quite rational.

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  10. Catie Rhodes says:

    As I read the diet list, my thought was, “What CAN she eat?”

    I’m not going to say the diet can’t or won’t help. I have no clue. Here’s what I am going to say: When something feels wrong, listen to your gut.

    The following my be TMI.

    In my younger years, I was prescribed (as most young women are) hormonal birth control pills. Those little pills were like putting a pint sized demon in my body. I acted like the depiction of Joan Crawford in Mommy Dearest…with a figurative shot of meth thrown in for fun and games.

    When I talked to my GYN about this, he basically called me a liar and wrote me a prescription for Prozac. I pitched a fit similar to yours, stormed out of his office, and threw away the Prozac scrip. I went to see another doctor and got a non-horomonal IUD. It took a while for the birth control pills to get out of my system. But once they did, I felt 100% better. No more wire hangers for me…if you know what I mean.

    Anyway. I don’t know if I would have pulled a fit or not. It would completely depend on how friggin’ bad I felt that particular day.

    You can only eat feces with a knife and a fork and behave like polite folk for so long. 😀

    Fit or not, one thing I would be doing is thinking long and hard about how much this doctor was helping me and whether or not he deserved my continued patronage.

    ((hugs, honey))

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      I don’t think that’s TMI, Catie. The last time I was on the Pill, I got blood clots so that is really not an option for any sort of balancing for me. Really, I will never be able to have ANY hormone supplements (due to clotting worries) so I’ve got to do everything naturally.

      p.s. I LOVE this comment! You are the BEST. Thanks for the hug.🙂

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  11. O.M.G INSANITY!
    First, I’d like to say HOORAH honey for hanging in there and trying something different to attain your optimal happiness and health…
    But I’d have shot the man! In the face. With a bazooka!
    A) Hubby would NOT have approved number 8 – period – no way!
    B) That isn’t a diet, that’s a fast and the only way possible to do such a thing would be to know in advance, take the entire diet-time off work, send hubby and baby girl to the sitters and lay in bed and sleep. No one on that diet could function let alone walk, talk and do shit. LOL!!!
    INSANE!!!

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Yep, a writer needs some carbs to keep the wheels turning. They don’t have to be bad-for-you carbs, but there has to be at least some in there.

      In the face with a bazooka…LOL!!

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  12. Laura Drake says:

    Forget the sex – forget the spices and even the meat. Where’s the friggin’ bread?!!!
    You can take anything from me, but don’t you be touchin’ my favorite food group – you’ll be drawing back a bloody stump.

    I know, you have the Gluten thing *shudders* SOOOOOO sorry.

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      I still say that if it gave you migraines and abdominal cramps like it does me that you’d be HAPPY to give it up.🙂

      And I can’t believe you prize bread over sex! You and me have different priorities, sister…

      Like

  13. K.B. Owen says:

    You go, Jenny girl! Woot! I’m the quiet rebellious type, LOL. I would have just laughed – yeah, okay – and then gone ahead and had a blast on Saturday! (Which I hope YOU did!). Probably would have messed up treatments for the next month, haha, but it would so be worth it!

    I think you and this guy need some ground rules:

    1) He provides you with all of the info AHEAD of time as to what the next stage of treatment entails.
    2) BEFORE he sticks any needles into you, he explains what all of the possible side effects might be, depending on whatever hormone/phase of the moon/cosmic imbalance could exist. Anything that deviates from that? A sign of his incompetence.
    3) Any treatment session that might involve a negative reaction, you are not left ALONE in the treatment room. I mean, really, what if you passed out or something?

    Welcome to the wonderful world of Western medical clientele, Dr. Shu.😀

    Like

  14. Piper Bayard says:

    LOL. In all seriousness, there’s a lot of mercury in white fish so you shouldn’t be eating much of that, either.🙂

    Good for you for being open to alternative solutions! Hormones are a b**ch! Or we are b**ches when they don’t work right…or something like that.

    I would go with the Holmes Method on this one. Five times a week is the bare minimum for sex. Eat when you’re hungry. Don’t eat when you’re not hungry. Listen to your body and eat what it tells you it needs. Your body knows more than any doctor, and it wants to be healthy. If you turn off your brain and your taste buds and listen, your body will let you know if it needs veggies, meat, or carbs. It will never let you know it needs a donut. It will sometimes let you know it needs a small glass of wine and/or chocolate.🙂

    As for what I would have done in the moment? I would have decided he was full of crap and walked out without a word, never to return, but that’s me.

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Five times a week? With a toddler?? Sounds like nirvana, but not entirely doable. However, she’s in pre-school now…which opens up all kinds of possibilities for following Holmes advice.🙂

      Like

  15. Roni Loren says:

    LOL, ohmigod. Yeah, that diet would be a no go. Talk about depressing, no real food and no sex to help you forget how hungry you are? And I’m always suspicious of diets that cut out veggies. I do low carb and find it the easiest diet for me to maintain, but that’s with fruits and veggies (and red meat and dairy.) Take away that stuff and I’d want to murder someone.

    Hormones can be a bitch. I used to have issues with mine, but it turned out birth control was the culprit for me. Once I got off of the pill, life was so much better.

    Good luck!

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      That’s what I said!!! The no sex and no fresh food were the two that just flipped my switch. Like I told someone above, I’m laughing over it now, but at the time? Not so much. I’ll get my hormones balanced without starvation, thank you.

      Like

  16. I’d have had a fit with almost all of that—with the exception of allowable food. lol Oh, and I’d be fine with avoiding supplements. Wow, woman. When you alluded to going on world’s worst diet during the cupcake chat (sorry, don’t think about those right now!), you weren’t kidding! Please take care of yourself. Hope all pans out well!

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      I completely ignored the diet and just stayed on the organic, no processed food diet I’ve been sticking to. No fruits and vegetables…Geesh!

      Like

      • mliddle says:

        I often wonder about diets that call for no fruits or vegetables – whether it be Eastern or Western medicine. I know that part of the reasoning is for people who eat a lot of carbohydrates, it is to reset the craving for any tpe of sugar: glucose, fructose, sucrose. However, there are some veggies that have minimal sugars. You grow your own garden, Jenny, so your food is coming from your yard not from an unknown place. It sounds as if you are in a tough decision trying to determine what is the best for your body. I agree with Piper & really listen to your body, whether it be about food or arging with the sex nazi doctor. 🙂
        Monique

        Like

  17. Fabio Bueno says:

    I am truly afraid of commenting on this post🙂

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  18. I wouldn’t do that diet. Nope.

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  19. Wow. I am, generally, all for a holistic approach to medicine but that… Hmm, no words.

    Take care of yourself!!

    Like

  20. Emma says:

    You go girl and tell them what’s what🙂

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  21. Karen McFarland says:

    Okay, do I dare put my foot in the water here? The good chinese doctor I see put you on foods that are non-heating. That is, foods that do not produce heat/inflamation. Also, those foods have hormones in them (unless organic) or mess with your hormones. I would say the timing of the diet really sucked! Sorry Jenny.😦

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Yes, but with NO notice, Karen?? Plus, 85% of what I eat is either organic or out of my own garden. It was just bad timing all around – he tried to mess with my weekend nookie-fest!

      Like

  22. Good luagh, Jenny, but I’m sure you just wrote this (with that title) to stop me from working on my #fastdraft didn’t you😉

    Cheers!

    Like

  23. I just kept thinking, what the fawk can she eat? Are you freaking kidding me? No sex? What does that have to do with anything? Isn’t sex good for the mind/spirit? Won’t it help center your chi? Why no veggies? Too much sugar? WTF????

    I honestly don’t know if I would’ve gone ballistic. Probably if it was a doctor I’ve been going to for a long time. At one of my laser treatments to remove a tattoo I called the Dr. an effing sadist ~ loudly. Apparently the woman in the next room asked if he was her doctor and was very relieved when they told her no. He probably was and they lied to her because he’s a super sweet old man. He just thinks his lasers are fun little toys and cranks them up to 10 for S&Gs.

    Yeah, I’m going with I would’ve freaked. And I also stand by my assumption that all doctors are sadists.

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  24. amyshojai says:

    OMG I needed to read this! LOLOL! Why not just give you the bottom line–here’s what you CAN eat and nothing else? And that #8 is…well…at some point in your life you may want that added back in. But not after 3 weeks without, just sayin…and the hangy-downs might have their own ideas, too.

    Like

  25. Jess Witkins says:

    No comment. But I’m sending you a cyber hug and then I’m laughing. Really hard. Maybe you can sneak in one lima bean. Like Tiny Tim.

    Like

  26. Debra Kristi says:

    Honestly, I love Eric’s response. The doc should have called it “The fast & abstinence” diet. You would have been totally prepared. The probably I see with that is you are starving your body. As a result it will hold on to fat and store it. Unless you are eating that organic chicken or white fish in small portions five times a day.I don’t know about you but I would quickly grow tired of that. Yuck. The body needs fruits and veggies. It sounds crazy to me. And Fornication Nazis, I just love that!

    Like

  27. Lynn Kelley says:

    OMG, Jenny, the whole time I was reading this, I was in disbelief that this whole episode really happened. To a real person. To you! I say “episode” because I think you could become a millionaire writing a sit com based on this acupuncturist’s practice. I mean, I was laughing out loud loudly at the end of the post. The guy is an impostor.

    Seriously, if you want to try another accupuncturist, my daughter went to one in SoCal (but not OC, closer toward L.A.) who specializes in fertility, but I’m sure he deals with all hormone issues and all the other accupuncturist stuff, too. I was so tempted (and still am) to go to this guy, but the distance and cost kept me from following through. His treatments are legit and doable. My daughter got pregnant the first month she saw him. Her accupuncturist really sounds amazing. Yours sounds like he might be writing his own sit com and is using his patients as material. Or maybe he’s gearing up for a reality show…

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Something to keep in mind is that he’s amazing with soft tissue. He’s nearly fixed my shoulder and has kept a very good friend of mine from back surgery. He’s also really helped my weight go in a downward direction for the first time in ages.

      That being said, I haven’t enjoyed this hormone treatment and of course I’ll have to write about it! Changing all names of course.🙂

      Like

  28. Wow. You had every right to be pissed off because you hadn’t been warned in advance of the scale of this “diet”. And being left alone during a treatment that can cause discomfort is bad practice. I love your vocabulary😀 Fornication Nazi indeed.

    Kathy provided a good list of basics that should have been obvious from the beginning to Mr. Shu. I hope your treatments will go better from now on and you’ll continue to feel healthier.

    Like

  29. Julie Glover says:

    I admit to not reading the other comments on this post, so I don’t know if anyone mentioned this fact: It’s not fornification when it’s with your spouse! It’s get-busy, get-busy-often, get-busy-now! In fact, there have been numerous studies on the health benefits of sex. Guess what? There was even one that showed that hubby juice, shall we call it, has an anti-depressive effect on their wives! Maybe your doctor just isn’t getting any and wants to share the misery.

    Like

  30. prudencemacleod says:

    Honey, give up all this Asian mumbo jumbo, grab a copy of the Paleo Diet, get on it, eat as much good stuff as you want while your body grows leaner and healthier as well as more energetic. Hissy fit? Hell, I’d have shot him.

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  31. No way, no way in h#$l I would have followed that diet. Respect to the Chinese medicine, but, um, NO! My one experience with accupuncture left me less than thrilled. I asked what I thought were legitimate questions, about my pain, about the rationale behind the needle placement, what I could expect and got the big brush off. I know, one experience and all that, and I also know there are a lot more compassionate, skilled and truly healing accupuncture practitioners out there. But I still wouldn’t have done the diet.

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