Except for last Friday.
Last Friday, I went to the Chinese accupuncturist that I love so much and I had a little moment. (OK, a big moment.)
You see, Doctor Dearest is working on my hormones. I don’t know how much the dudes at More Cowbell know about this, but when someone dinks with a gal’s hormones, even if it’s just with a needle in the side of the ankle, we tend to get testy.
I’ll cop to the testy part, but I think you’ll see that my fit of massive proportion was provoked.
Here’s how it went down:
Dr. Shu: Today we start on hormones and sugar. When you’re done, you get diet at front desk.
Me: All right. (Thinking it was more of the low to no carb diet from the prior week.)
Dr. Shu did the treatment, which consists of inserting the needles and then setting a timer to come back and take them out.
Partway through my “cooking time,” I started fidgeting a little and got a searing pain up the front of my right calf and along the outside of my right ankle. I began banging on the wall (because it’s not like you’re standing with 18 needles in you) and shouting, “Helloooooo! Helloooo…”
Finally he came in and I said, “Oh, thank God!” and told him what was happening.
Dr. Shu: A-ha! This means there is hormone problem.
Me: [I’ll give you a problem…] Can you take it out? Like NOW?!
Dr. Shu: *hurrying* It’s out. It’s out. (His tone said, “O-kaaay, scary lady”)
He then told me I had to let the rest of the needles cook 10 more minutes so I was pretty feisty and impatient at the end of it all. When I went out to the front desk, the gal handed me a piece of paper with THIS on it:
The Treatment: Hormones Balance and Sugar/Carbohydrates balance
Red meats (beef, pork, lamb), red meat soups
Any dairy product (milk, cheese, whey, yogurt product)
Any chicken & egg products
(but organic chicken and egg are OK to eat)
Soy bean products (soy sauce, tofu, miso soup, lecithin, soy milk)
Red fishes, fish egg, shellfish
Hormones supplement (birth control, estrogen supplement, progesterone supplement)
Sex life (hug or kiss is OK)
No sugar and no carbohydrate products
No fruits and no vegetables
I was fine until I hit #8 on the AVOID list. Not happy, but fine.
Backstory: I was gone at the DFW Conference for a week and I came home with the cold from hell, which I gave to the whole family. We’d all been sick for weeks, and were finally getting healthy.
At the risk of giving you too much information, we had a babysitter for Saturday night if you know what I mean. (Read: come hell or high water, there was gonna be serious nookie at Chez Hansen over the weekend.)
Plus, after two weeks of soup and eggs and bland food, we’d made reservations at our favorite restaurant for Part II of our date. I wasn’t in the right mindset for someone to say “Diet.”
By the time I hit #10, I was on fire.
Me: *eying the receptionist like she’s the devil* No fruits and vegetables? Is he kidding? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO EAT?
Her: The list of what you can eat is at the bottom of the page. (see below)
**You may eat:
All white fishes
All organic chicken & eggs
All kinds of animal/vegetable oils and fats
Salt and pepper are the only two sauces you may eat
Any water/tea/coffee (without milk and sugar)
***After 2 days, you may go back to “low-carb/low-sugar” diet. (less than 20g of carbohydrate/sugar each day)
My fit kicked up a notch.
Me: So from now until Sunday, I can have white fish, organic chicken and COFFEE? Who are you guys kidding? I grow my own vegetables so I don’t have to worry about what’s organic. How can it possibly be good for you to have no fruits and vegetables?! And I HAVE A DATE TOMORROW NIGHT.
I was pretty loud by the end of this exchange. Really, at this point I was completely unglued.
Who could live like this, especially with no advance planning? Some of us had families to feed, errands to run…books to write. Plus, I knew there was no way I’d be able to do Fast Draft on a diet of white fish and pepper.
The gal at the desk took one look at my face and said, “I’ll get Dr. Shu.”
I don’t know what she told him, but he hurried down the hall and said, “You have questions?”
Me: “YES, I HAVE QUESTIONS. Who can live on this diet? I have a date tomorrow night and this is not going to work at all. No sex?? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?”
Dr. Shu: We reset hormones—
Me: I DON’T THINK YOU HAVE A CLUE ABOUT MY HORMONES. We’ve been sick at our house for almost three weeks. I HAVE A DATE TOMORROW NIGHT. #8 is unacceptable. When did you guys become the Fornication Nazis?
Dr. Shu: One moment, I be right back. [He ducked into a patient room and came back a few minutes later.] *taps piece of paper over #8* This one, OK. Everything else on the list, you avoid.
Me: Hmph. (Not remotely mollified.) This is a ridiculous diet.
Now mind you, I thought the waiting room was completely empty while I was having this hissy fit. However, when I opened the door to leave, I saw both a man and a woman sitting out there.
[I was still so on fire that I was only a teensy bit embarrassed.]
The man studiously avoided making any eye contact with me and kept his head down. The woman sitting across from him gave me a wide-eyed look and asked, “What is ON that diet??!”
I didn’t even say anything, I just handed her the paper.
As her eyes scanned down the page, she started mumbling. “Uh-uh. No. Oh, no! Nu-uh.” She handed it back quickly and said, “That’s CRAZY.”
Me: I know!!
So, I ask you, my More Cowbell Posse…would you have had a fit in the Fornication Nazi’s office? If not, please tell me how you would have handled it instead. Seriously, I need tools. Plus, enquiring minds LOVE to know these things here at More Cowbell!