N is for No Porn On The Job (Pretty Please)! #AtoZchallenge

As a software trainer, I’ve had to work in some embarrassing places.

There’s the normal level of weird like in a small office with fighting spouses or a frigid January in Wisconsin at the Friskies pet care plant (nothing like the smell of “meat mix” to put you off food for a while).

Since I live in Southern California, there’s also the usual-to-us venues like soap operas and movie studios. Even though I’ve often walked away shaking my head muttering, “5’10 and 125 pounds is NOT FAT,” for the most part I just take it in stride.

Until my database project with the porn clinic.

Yep, you heard me. Porn. Clinic. This is a health clinic that caters to “the adult film industry,” testing them to make sure they’re able to work without spreading disease.

You know I love undies as much (if not more) than the next gal but I just could NOT relax with people walking back and forth in the area where I worked, dropping their drawers to show off a new tattoo or a snazzy new thong.

I couldn’t focus with photos of naked entwined bodies, or close-ups of crotches, dropping onto the desk next to me with loud complaints about having to do “X and such” with “so-and-so.”

Database work is painstaking and it was um…a very distracting work environment.

I swear to God, I wanted to pin this sign to my back and tell them all to “Leave me alone!”

The final kicker came when a friendly gent named Billy Banks came over and started giving me a neck and shoulder massage. I don’t know about you, but I DON’T DO MASSAGING AT THE OFFICE.

I turned beet red and told him I was fine (even though my shoulders were locked up around my ears from stress by this point). The clinic administrator (my friend, who got me the gig) steered Billy away with a severe scolding to “Leave the civilian alone. She’s a friend of mine!” (Civilian? WTH?)

Billy sent me a huge smile over his shoulder as he left and said, “Hey, if you step into the other room for a test, we can make it a full body massage tonight!”

Never before or since have I ever been propositioned at work. Certainly, no one’s ever matched Billy’s style!

Perhaps I’m just sheltered, but I swear my jaw dropped. This world, where people could casually stroll through, parade around half-naked or offer to have sex with strangers made no sense to me.

I dragged my friend to lunch and by the time we were finished eating, I had the outline for a book with a “civilian” heroine who had to go work in – you guessed it – a porn clinic.

The place…Billy…the photos…the pheromones… They’re all imprinted on my brain forever. There’s just nothing like having porn intrude in your workspace (*if you know what I mean*).

What’s the most embarrassing moment YOU’VE had at work? Details and locations, please! Enquring minds always  want to know these things here at More Cowbell!

Jenny

ANNOUNCEMENT: Tomorrow’s Techie Tuesday is going to be like no other. I’m doing a post on OneNote and you’ll also be treated to a special history of THE COWBELL by K.B. Owen. I can’t wait for you to see this blogiversary treat!!

About Jenny Hansen

Avid seeker of "more"...More words, more creativity, More Cowbell! An extrovert who's terribly fond of silliness. Founding blogger at Writers In The Storm (http://writersinthestormblog.com). Write on!
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64 Responses to N is for No Porn On The Job (Pretty Please)! #AtoZchallenge

  1. Kasey mathews says:

    Holy smokes!!! I would fall over and die!!

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  2. Hahahaha. Jenny, I would have had a hard time concentrating too. But probably because I would have been dancing on the desks with all the other people. And a free backrub? When is that ever bad? You might not have guessed this about me, but I have a little exhibitionist who lives inside of me. She’s wild.😉

    Seriously. Probably. Or hyperbole from a housewife. You decide.

    Off to do laundry.

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    • Jenny Hansen says:

      I love your hyperbole, Renee! And I’ve seen you do your hat dance on video, so I’ve got your number. (You AND that little vixen who lives inside.)🙂

      Like

  3. Chihuahua0 says:

    Now that went a bit far! Perhaps projecting with a porn clinic made a lot of your co-workers looser?

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  4. O.M.G. That’s definitely book material!

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  5. Mike says:

    Now now, Jenny. Porn didn’t intrude on your work space, you intruded on porn’s work space.

    Makes for a great story, though.🙂

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  6. John Holton says:

    I spent almost twenty years as a software trainer, and not once did anyone give me a massage…

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  7. Jeez, creepy much? LOL I would have screamed and ran away!

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  8. I am laughing so hard right now. Probably not what you were going for, but thanks for making my day brighter🙂

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  9. tomwisk says:

    LMAO porn is a business and they treat the “work” they do as if it mattered. Never got into porn after I read a report on the industry in a semi-Right wing mag. A cop who raided a porn sight seemed fixated that the female star had dirty feet. She was boinking a guy on camera. Dirty feet aren’t the problem.

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  10. Jane Sadek says:

    Laughing hard! I once had a job like yours, but I taught people to use copiers, faxes and phone systems, instead of software. Dallas certainly isn’t Hollywood, but we have our fair share of sexually related businesses. Sometimes I knew what I was getting into, just from the name of the place, but sometimes something like “John Doe” Publishers, would catch me unawares. How was I supposed to guess I was walking into a place where they produced all those weekly newspapers sexual adventurers utilize to find one another? Some days I miss it – most days I don’t!

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    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Fabulousness, Jane! And wow…did you ever just lift one of the papers to see what they had to say? I’d have HAD to. Enquiring minds need to know and all…🙂

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  11. Julie Glover says:

    Oh my goodness! I’ve worked on a church staff, so I’d have to say that our job experiences here run the gamut. LOL. I’d give the advice of “just keep your head down,” but I’m guessing that phrase wouldn’t sound quite the same in that environment. (I can’t believe I said that.) As we say in the south, bless your heart!

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    • Jenny Hansen says:

      LMAO, Julie!!! I’m dying over here at “the church lady” giving me an *if you know what I mean*!!! OMG, where is Leanne Shirtliffe when we need her? LOL.

      I can already tell you’re going to be the one to get me in trouble. You’ll sit there looking all innocent and will say something to make me guffaw in the middle of a workshop. Curses!

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  12. OMG…ROFL…I gotta say THAT work experience trumps any I can come up with. However, awesome story material. I so want to read that book Jenny! Get writing🙂

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  13. Sounds like an interesting book. Well, when life hands you lemons as they say. I would not have handled that very gracefully. lol

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  14. Is the guy who invited you there still a friend?

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    • Jenny Hansen says:

      The GAL who invited me there is still my BFF…but she doesn’t work there anymore. She used to call herself “the Christian in green scrubs” while she worked there. And the stories have definitely worked their way into my fiction.🙂

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  15. amyshojai says:

    Wowzer–my “holy crap” work moment (when I still worked at a real job) was the associate who told filthy jokes and blocked me in narrow hallways so I’d have to rub against him to pass by. I didn’t. Stood and glared and told him to move. He just grinned. And this was an attorney’s office, you’d think they’d know better!

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  16. Hilarious, Jenny! Sounds like the premise for a great short story or novel bit.😉 I’ve had lots embarrassing work experiences. One took place in NYC when I was modeling underwear with 11 others—half girls, half guys. The guys hands and shoulders covered our other-wise bare breasts. The guys were more embarrassed than we ladies, particularly when the fans came in to reduce the um…hard parts. LOL

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  17. Nothing I could say could ever beat this. OMG, Jenny, this is hilarious. When you write the book, I want to read all about how your heroine deals with the total embarrassment!🙂

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  18. JM Randolph says:

    Yikes. Sounds an awful lot like the backstage part of my job (theater). Lots of half-or-more-naked people who are always trying to, for lack of a better phrase, stand out. Great post!

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      OY! I’m sure you get used to it, but I don’t think I’d want my co-workers to “stand out” around me. Really, just stay in… I’m great with that.

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  19. Hate to say it, since your post is hilarious, but I am a massage therapist. There is nothing wrong or sexual about a shoulder rub at work OR a full body massage. The massage organizations work hard to ensure people know that we are a health care profession. It sounds like this guy wasn’t just giving you a shoulder rub, he was either teasing you or trying to pick you up and that’s a whole different deal.

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    • Jenny Hansen says:

      In a massage therapy environment, I wouldn’t find it out of line. But in an office desk in front of a computer on my FIRST DAY there? Holy cowbell, he scared the crap outta me!

      Like

  20. K.B. Owen says:

    Oh, Jenny! Unbelievable. Good thing I didn’t know that before I wrote your “history” LOL! Looking forward to our swap tomorrow, girlfriend!

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    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Yep, you’d have fried my face in tomorrow’s post. I’d have been red all day long, since half my co-workers read my blog. Of course, they’re all buried in taxes right now so I might get a reprieve…

      So excited about tomorrow!!

      Like

  21. CC MacKenzie says:

    Wow! Jenny, what are you like?

    When I was a young thing, it was my first job in an International Bank (so you’d think the clientele would have style) I was asked to take a tray of coffee into the manager’s office. I should point out my skirt was not short. As I placed the tray on the table, the ‘client’ slipped his hand under my skirt. My boss stared at me because I’d jerked and had big eyes before blushing the colour of beetroot. I don’t come from Glasgow for nothing, my temper spiked, I turned round and gave him a golf swing of a slap across his face and told my boss what he’d done before I walked out.

    The ‘client’ was shown the door and his account closed.
    Even then, at nineteen, I had zero tolerance.

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  22. Andrea says:

    Just hopped over from a-z! I can’t think of anything terribly entertaining from my years of office work before I did the stay at home thing, but in my recent life as a cleaning lady, I did suck up a woman’s um…restraints from the post of h bed in the vacuum cleaner hose…oops!

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Hi Andrea!!! OMG, restraints in the vacuum??! Did you have to go dig ’em out? Don’t want to upset the bondage twins when they get home from work and find no restraints, you know. LMAO…

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  23. Oh my gosh. Seriously!? That’s nuts! Literally. LOL! You take the cake with that story for sure.

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  24. Sheenah Freitas says:

    I’m pretty sure you win the award for most embarrassing moment at a job.

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  25. mliddle says:

    And the title of this post was: “No Porn On The Job” – and why not? If porn is the job then there will be porn on the job, Right? It can make for a great certain kind of job! 🙂

    This was a great post Jenny! As for other readers, I laughed and had a smile on my face long after I had finished reading the post. I had also to share it with some friends who would get a kick out of it and would be smiling too!
    Monique

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  26. Sherry Isaac says:

    Oh, Jenny. Write what you know.

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  27. Emma says:

    Ha ha, where did you find that No Entry sign?

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  28. Ha! One of the best awful work stories ever….and it will make one hysterical read!

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  30. I think I love the fact that they have a clinic for porn stars! That’s 100% cracklesauce. Billy is a hoot. I wonder what he would’ve done if you went in the other room. Guess we’ll never know.

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    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Hey, adult film stars have health needs too, you know! Plus, they like to be with their brethren. There’s not a boundary to be found in the whole place.🙂

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  31. That’s just… priceless! As is the fact that my hubby looked over and saw your post pictures as I was reading *giggles*

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