The #Undie Chronicles – Volume VII: Incredible Edibles and #Naughty Knickers for #Men

Last week, over at Natalie Hartford’s blog, she did a truly frightful delightful post on Tights for Dudes (called MantyHose). *shudders* Nat’s Hubby and I had the following conversation:

Jenny Hansen says:

MANTYHOSE!! What a perfect portmanteau…. I love it. And if I ever saw my honey in those things, I’d have to key his legs and run those suckers.

Thanks for the linky love – you know I can never have enough UNDIES!!

  • Hubby aka The Blog Heckler says:

    Waiting for the “edible series” of the Chronicles! LOL!

Would I EVER want to disappoint a Blog Hubby??!

Absolutely not. Put down the beverages, people! We’re starting off this Edible Extravaganza with VIDEO!!


Of course I HAD to go looking for the Incredible Edibles, just to see what’s out there. The answer? A SHOCKING number of online outlets for edibles. Who knew?! (Perhaps Hubby did.)

My Top Two Faves?

  • The largest flavor selection was at EdibleUnderwear.org – though I must say I was a bit put off by the title, “Gummy Undies.” (Go on and take a peek. We’ll still be here laughing.)
  • Speaking of which, THIS site had me on the floor. It’s called Funny Undies and they have everything you could want from funny undies for the male or female in your life to undies specific to sports like golf. There’s even “Couples Undies” if you want to…um… match your loved one beneath your clothes.

I couldn’t stop laughing over the Trouser Snake…

Whereas my honey couldn’t stop laughing over the 4 Foot Hero…

And don’t even get me started on their “Toucan.” The slogan for those things is “Wanna play with my BIRD?” (I always thought that was slang for the female equipment, thank you very much. I’m so behind… [IYKWIM])

The most surprising discoveries I made?

There is a ginormous amount of Men’s Enhancement Underwear!

The language alone was impressive. Really. Not a nasty word in sight, just a ton of entertaining writing about “male enhancement.” Here’s a sample:

What do you do when you want a little boost in your appearance, down below? The answer, for many men, comes in the form of enhancement underwear.

When it comes to making an impression, men’s enhancement underwear gives your package a look worthy of a standing ovation… and nothing like the sock you used to put in your shorts back in junior high.

Men’s enhancers are the superman of the underwear world.

Warning: None of the links on this LargoDrive site go ANYWHERE. I didn’t find a single pair of male undies in sight. All the links go to females. But the articles are a stitch! Every writer should give the site a quick browse…best written language about male “enhancement” ever.

I was also a bit surprised to see the prevalence of products providing:

BTW, “suspensories” hold the package up and out whereas jockstraps hold ’em down and in. Think of suspensories (that word makes me giggle uncontrollably) as the “anti-jock.”

I have to admit it: Until this particular foray into the Undie-verse, I had NO IDEA that suspension referred to anything besides cars and bridges. I feel so…educated. (And a little bit dirty.)

Photo from morninglight.us

I’m just going to throw the comments open for a “Free For All” today because nothing else could shock me more than my latest Undie Foray. My retinas are scarred, I tell you. SCARRED!! (FYI: Previous Undie Chronicles can be found here.)

What have you learned in your research lately that made your jaw hit the floor? Enquiring minds always  want to know here at More Cowbell!

Jenny

About Jenny Hansen

Avid seeker of "more"...More words, more creativity, More Cowbell! An extrovert who's terribly fond of silliness. Founding blogger at Writers In The Storm (http://writersinthestormblog.com). Write on!
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52 Responses to The #Undie Chronicles – Volume VII: Incredible Edibles and #Naughty Knickers for #Men

  1. Jody Moller says:

    Thankyou Jenny for providing laughs as always. If you are going to bother selling 4 foot long enhancement undies I think you should at least have the decency to stuff them so that they actually provide some enhancement rather than the floppy version shown above😉

    Like

  2. Baaaaaaaaahahaha! I am so with your husband! The 4 ft hero. Is that a long skinny down the inside of the pant-leg, or do you coil it? How does one appropriately wear this thing? All I know is it made me want to get a pinata and and see if a good hip swivel can produce enough momentum to smash it open. And I wonder – do men laugh at women’s “enhancement” products as much as we laugh at theirs? I’m thinking no.

    Thanks for a good morning laugh!

    Like

  3. K.B. Owen says:

    ROFLMAO, Jenny! *fans self* Those products are sooo funny! Had to click over to the toucan, LOL. I give Nat a simple little tidbit about MANtyhose, and …it’s ALIVE! Look out! I should have known with this crowd. #Pantypeeps are alive and well!

    My suggestion? It seems the guys are all about measuring and comparing with each other, why not make underwear with an Ace Hardware (pun intended) measuring gauge knitted on to the “trouser snake”? Then the guys in the locker room know exactly what’s what, and the ladies know what kind of package they’re dealing with, LOL. 😀

    Like

  4. bahahahaha!! wow, I had no idea that men cared so much about how their “package” looked. I must confess, I have let my eyes wander south on a few men, and grow quite suspicious when I see a “large one.”

    COCKSOX – lol!!!

    Like

  5. “suspensories” is hilarious! If you’re ever having a moment when you’re feeling down, all you gotta do is say “suspensories”. lol.

    Like

  6. OMG hubby is gonna LUV this edition!! WAHAHAHA!! ROFL!!
    I LOVE the Toucan and the COCKSOX!!! SWEET….hubby prepare yourself for an array of Christmas presents this year…squeeeee…Or maybe I’ll get the gummy undies for a “just because” gift…SWEET! LOL!!
    Suspensories…ROFL!!!

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Oh my Goodness! The week after Christmas is going to be like the line of animals in Ice Age…they’ll just parade through your bedroom. If I uncover my eyes, I can totally see it!!

      Like

  7. Natalie Hartford's Hubby says:

    As ancient legends have told us. There will be a time across the lands where Undie literacy will be at an all time low… Where white cotton Hanes rule the world. During this time a woman will return to the lands. Rising from the bits and bytes of the blogosphere. A woman with great Undie knowledge and power. Her followers will be known as the #pantypeeps! Her buff male servants will known as shape shifters – transforming and camouflaging themselves as animals of the wild;snakes, elephants, toucans and more!

    She will educate the people of the world with her Chronicles…The Undie Chronicles!!!!!

    It is time to address the world’s suspension!!! Return o’wise one! Return!

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      This was one of the first comments I read this morning and I snorted and giggled all the way to work.

      “A woman with great Undie knowledge and power. Her followers will be known as the #pantypeeps!” ~ Cracked me up all over my car.

      “It is time to address the world’s suspension!!! Return o’wise one! Return!” ~ Killed me with this one. LMAO all day and ran back to my computer in the evening.

      Wise one, my lily white a–..um…cowbell.

      Like

  8. Laura Drake says:

    No fair. I hadn’t recovered from a man’s version of “genius” when I scrolled down to the trouser snake, which did me in.

    A perfect example of what happens when people have too much time on their hands. Think what would happen if all this brainpower went to world peace? Instant results, I’ll tell you that!

    Thanks, Jenny, for Carpeing my Diem on a monday.

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Yep, that video was what started all this nonsense. When I got to the “Extra large equals extra YUMMY” it was just over. I was whooping and cackling all over my dining room.

      YUMMY
      YUMMY
      YUMMY!!!

      Like

  9. Sherry Isaac says:

    Once again, Jenny, your underwear chronicles leave me speechless. Educated, but speechless. Gummy undies? EW.

    Like

  10. Oh my goodness, suspensories are TOTALLY the push-up bra of men’s undies!!

    Can’t. Breathe.

    Can’t. Stop. Laughing!!

    Like

  11. ROFL! An acquaintance of mine once filled his speedo with sand at the beach for “enhanced” photos. To think, one simple website visit could made his life simpler… These chronicles are too much! And we need more.

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      August, I discovered that, in addition to the “profile enhancement” and the “butt boost,” there is also padding for all those areas. Just like a padded bra, you can buy undies with a padded PACKAGE. I had NO idea…

      Like

  12. Too funny. Ooh my eyes! lol I read the mantyhose but the dh just raised his brows. For his bachelor party, he got a pair of elephant undies – complete with “trunk”. He wouldn’t even wear them😦
    Lisa

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Oh, I’ll bet you could get him to wear them, Lisa – he’ll be brave if you’re brave. Did you see some of the amazing-mess you can wear yourself?

      Trust me, with Funny Undies at our disposal, there is no end to the fools we can all make of ourselves in the privacy of our bedrooms! I just don’t know if I have the energy for a parade though…

      Like

  13. Hurray for #pantypeeps! And thank you for the warning to put the beverages down. I can be often spotted sipping a very hot tea at my computer.
    I need to share this with my husband. He’s gonna chuckle over the 4 foot hero! Oh, wait, he needs to see the Toucan. Scary stuff, haha!

    Like

  14. OMG Jenny! I’m now BLIND, lol! The Mantyhose are one thing – I’m used to seeing men in tights in ballet class – but the Toucan? Ack!

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Hey, Christine…why should I be blind ALL BY MYSELF when I can scar your retinas right alongside mine.🙂

      Hope you enjoy the links – I think the Toucan and the suspensories were the sources of most of my laughter.

      Like

  15. Emma says:

    Well, you learn something new every day!

    Like

  16. tomwisk says:

    Jenny, Jenny, Jenny we’ve got to talk about this unhealthy obsession with men’s underwear. I can see a curiosity with a man who would insert his package into a snake or toucan. Edible underwear? I wouldn’t sample them after they’ve been worn. I am a traditionalist. I believe in cotton utilitarian underwear, be they tidy whities,breifs, boxer briefs or plain old briefs. I don’t need slogans printed on them. And one small item: What woman would buy her husband The Snake? What if they’re too big? What if he’s squeamish about snakes? Is she having a romance novel fantasy? Think about a guy who can fill the The Snake. Does he coil it up? Does he tuck it in a pants leg? I think I’m going too far, even for me.

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      OMG, this is funny, Tom! Killing me with this comment!!!

      Truly, it’s y’all egging me on more than any particular obsession. My own Honey is pretty much all about Commando, which is the best way of all.🙂

      Like

  17. ROFL – OMG Jenny, between you and Natalie I’m now convinced there is no end to this topic. I see a coffee table book in your future!

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      LMAO over a coffee table book!!!! We’ll have to confer. I’m sure as long as we let Nat’s Hubby in on the game, we could totally make it work. He would need to have a Hubby’s Corner peanut gallery all to himself.🙂

      Like

  18. Stacy Green says:

    Laughing so hard. I’d forgotten about Bud Light’s “Real Men of Genius” commercials. Those were awesome. And wow on your research! It’s a whole other world out there!

    Like

  19. Julie Glover says:

    Laughing out loud at the post, the video, the links, the comments, and — sorry to admit — my imagination. However, I’ve discovered my fall-back job if the author thing doesn’t work out! I MUST write the directions on those edible underwear packages. What would one say? Are there warnings? Allergy issues? For instance, do any of them contain whey, gluten, or peanut oil? Should there be tastefully-sketched visuals for how to attach or put on these items? Or does it simply say, “Bon appetit!” on the package?

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      I know, right? What a terrible thing that would be – going into anaphalactic shock from a food allergy to the Incredible Edibles! We definitely need a responsible person (such as yourself) in charge of those labels.🙂

      Like

  20. Excellent! Edible undies, trouser snakes, this is the best post ever. Crazy research? Um, the call with my BDSM dude. I found out WAY more than I ever thought I wanted to know about kink. I think that’s only going to be overshadowed by the class I told him I’d attend. Yikes.

    Still love the Elephant Mundies the best.

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      WOW, Tameri’s going to BONDAGE CLASS?? Does Nat’s Hubby know?? There will be no end to the jokes available from that class.🙂

      Writer’s research is just hilarious. I really thought the trouser snakes might tempt you away…it’s nice to know that you remain loyal to the Elephant Mundies….

      Like

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  22. Laural Out Loud says:

    I came across a pair of knitted elephant boxers and was planning to write a post about it soon. I thought it was an isolated undy incident, but you have OPENED MY EYES. I’m very thankful my husband doesn’t care a lick about tights or fancy undies because we just don’t have it in the budget!

    Like

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  24. Kate C. says:

    This is truly more than I ever wanted to know about Men’s Underwear. hahaha

    Glad to see you signed on for another Round! See you soon!

    Like

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