Y’all met my brother a few week’s back in 10 Creative Ways To Express Your “Inner F-Bomb.” He’s just a bundle of personality and he always cracks me up when we talk. (He’s one of my Missouri bunch.)
I thought the following conversation might give you your Monday giggle. Lord knows, it gave me mine.
Backstory:
I called my brother to ask him about a Maxpedition bag my hubby was thinking of buying. The two of them talk all the time about emergency preparedness – they trade books, blogs and resources galore. (If you read this post, you already know I’m married to Mr. Disaster Recovery.)
Photo from TheSurvivalZone.com
To my brother’s credit, he’s an alumnus of the Missouri National Guard’s engineering batallion and has taught such subjects as Sniper Training and Tactics. In other words, he’s a 6’7″ trained badass who likes guns and gadgets.
When I called about the Maxpedition, our conversation went something like this:
Me: So my dude is all excited about a Maxpedition bag. Do you have one?
Bro: Snort. I HAD one. I didn’t like it and took it back.
Me: Fine. What did you get instead?
Bro: Sis, let me explain something to you…I am a Bag Whore. I’ve got Rifle, Deer and Bow Hunting bags. I’ve got a “world’s gonna end” bag. I’ve got a workout bag and a kid’s sport’s bag.
I opened my mouth to speak but he wasn’t done yet.
Bro: And these aren’t like crappy little nylon bags, these are nice bags. If my wife knew how much I spent on bags, she’d kick my ass. The other problem I have is that if I need a bag and can’t find it, I go buy a new bag and re-stock it. I get twitchy if I don’t know where my stuff is.
Me: My husband knows your pain. I’m constantly buying stuff to replace the things I can’t find. It’s a good thing you earn a nice living.
Bro: Yeah it is. See, in the Army, one is none and two is one, so three is always better. Or I buy four and give one to a good friend. Whatever you want is going to break when you need it – that’s one of the first rules they teach you in the military.
Me: This is why Dad is such a hoarder?
Bro: No, he really is a hoarder because he doesn’t keep any of his stuff organized. I like to be prepared. For example, if you need a firestarter, I’m your guy. I’ve got at least four firestarters on my person right now.
Me: What is the MATTER with you? Why do you need to be ready to start so many fires?
Bro: (in a very patient tone) If the shit hits the fan and I need a fire, I’ve got to be prepared for my first couple fire starters not to work.
Me: I’m learning a lot about you. Is there anything else you’re out there buying besides guns and bags and fire-starting paraphernalia?
Bro: No, I really try to restrain myself. I can’t keep buying bags. Like, for example, I can’t go SCUBA diving.
Me: What?! Why not? (Keep in mind, I’m a SCUBA diver.)
Bro: I look at all that shiny shit on the wall and see five grand go POOF out of my wallet. That bouyancy thing? I’d want to go down with two of them.
Me: That’s your bouyancy control device – it’s called a BCD.
Bro: Whatever. I’d want more than one. Remember, one is none. And the tanks? If I could go down with two tanks, I’d feel a whole lot better. One tank would scare the bejeezus out of me.
Me: You can go down with two tanks. People do it all the time.
Bro: If two’s normal, I’d want to strap on a third f*cker if I could figure out a way. NO SCUBA DIVING!
Me: *giggling* What does your wife think about all this?
Bro: We have a deal. I don’t say anything about how many candles she buys and she doesn’t get on my case about my disaster prep.
Me: How many candles are we talking about?
Photo from Decorati0ns.net
Bro: Sis, I have a tall dresser in my house full of candles. And heaven help me if I light a candle that I don’t plan to keep burning for at least a few hours, because then the wick won’t burn right.
Me: Dude, you KNOW about how candle wicks burn? (Being a little sister, I decided to really test his knowledge.) Do you know how to hug your candles??
Bro: I am the EXPERT candle hugger.
****************
A few postscripts to this illuminating conversation:
- Here’s a link about How to hug your candles and a video (no fooling).
- My brother’s most recommended sites for firestarters were Firesteel.com and SurvivalResources.com. Who knew there were entire websites dedicated to this stuff?
Between the Mr. Disaster Recovery that I married and my brother, I might have to do an entire post on the subject. These guys are out of hand. Just out of curiosity, are you prepped for natural disasters? Would you be interested in a post on the subject? (Obviously, the research would be a snap for me.)
Do you have friends and family who obsess about things that make you laugh? Share your stories in the comments! Enquiring minds always want to know here at More Cowbell!
Jenny
Jenny Hansen's Blog 
You made me feel so much better about my family, Jenny, thanks.
Isn’t it funny how everyone has quirks? My ex (6’4″) was afraid of caterpillars. My daughter can’t have curtains open in her house for long. My boss loses his MIND if a picture is one centimeter off level (he has a leveler in his desk drawer, and another in the kitchen. Those are the ones I KNOW of.)
But I guess that’s what make people (AND our characters) interesting, right? Hey, maybe you can make one of your characters in your WIP a ‘bag ho!’
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Caterpillars?? Really? That’s a new one. I could see worms and roaches but who would have thought a fuzzy little caterpillar could send someone over.
p.s. I don’t like to have my curtains or blinds open too long either. Just sayin’… And i definitely see a Bag Whore working his or her way into my fiction.
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LOL This was a great post and I have no idea how to HUG a candle, so I’m going to check out the link! It’s funny, the hubby and I are went over our doomsday plan last night, after watching a show on the Mayan 2012 end of the world predictions, and we might need a few bags…or as your brother suggests, three or four.
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Glad to help teach you stuff on this fine Monday morning. 🙂 We’ve had what…4-5 end of the worlds now? I’d say you just want to prep for the earthquakes and tornadoes. Maybe a hurricane depending on where you are.
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YES, Jenny, I would love a column about disaster preparedness. I could share it with my hubby and keep him out of my hair for weeks, even months! Do one teeny-tiny favor for me IF you write that article.
We have a closet located beneath the interior stairs in our home. Perfect location in the event of a Texas twister. But, that is not our designated “Tornado Spot.” Why? Because left-over tiles from when we built our home are stored at the very back of that closet. IF you were to describe that closet AND suggest that heavy objects BE MOVED OUT FOR CRUMB’S SAKE, I would thank you by never, ever leaving another novella-as-comment on your blog.
As for having a worrier near-and-dear. He sleeps next to me each night. We recently leased our mineral rights for five acres in Oklahoma. They’re drilling for oil. Mr. Worry tossed and turned for several nights (without telling me) worrying about how he would pay taxes if they hit a gusher and we began to get BIG BUCKS each month. Took him nearly a week before the “well, duh” hit. Put part of the imaginary BIG BUCKS in a savings account for taxes, and…
Use the rest for professional counseling.
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LMAO about the closet!! That is so funny. Almost as funny as sitting up nights wondering what to do if you come into a windfall of money. That’s freaking hilarious.
The thing about a disaster prep post is it would take about 4 posts to get all the good info across without making people catatonic. I’ll work on it…
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I would be interested in a post on disaster preparedness and what we should have in our emergency bag. I have none of this.
I think your bro is a little extreme, but no crazier than me with a vegetable garden in the front yard instead of grass which I document inch-by-inch regularly in my blog. I’m just sayin…
Shawna Coronado
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That’s hilarious, Shawna. I’ve seen your veggie garden and it is IMPRESSIVE. I’d say you spend at least as much time on that as he does on prepping, though probably a lot less money.
One question if you come back: do you can? If you do canning, that’s a big help for your disaster preparedness.
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I do not can, but am hoping to learn in 2012. I freeze. My specialty is freezing soup in little baggies.
And I don’t have the money to buy a fancy-tancy emergency preparedness bag – I’m a professional writer for pete’s sake. HOWEVER, my thoughts are we could use an old back-pack and find a list of necessities. I’d like you to give us that list. I have no idea what you’d need for an emergency beyond a candle, a firestarter of some kind, water, and Jack Daniels. Lots and lots of Jack Daniels. You know for sterilization purposes in case my husband gets his arm ripped off defending me against a wild bear or something. Let’s reverse that – in case I get my arm ripped off defending myself against a wild bear or something (my husband will sleep through it I am sure).
So – I hope you give us a list of important items which I, of course, can find on Freecycle.org which is all I can afford at the moment if I do say so – thank-you-very-much.
Love you Lady – keep up the great work!
Shawna
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Shawna, you can use any sturdy backpack as the bag to grab (called a “bug-0ut bag”). It doesn’t have to be pricy, really. 🙂
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Disaster preparedness plan? Um, that would be a no. I should, but don’t. A few years ago when the whole of San Diego was burning we made up a plastic bin of stuff, but that got repurposed. Your Dude and brother would be so ashamed of me, I know.
Your brother cracks me up. An admitted bag whore and he knows to hug a candle? I like him!
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“Re-purposed, eh? That’s pretty normal. There’s nothing wrong with cycling stuff out, but these guys would always have their bin(s) stocked.
Yep, my brother’s an amazing guy. I dig him too.
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I inherited the complete backpacks my mom and dad had packed for emergency walk-out (Mom being the worry wart). My folks are still alive, but Mom (who has strokes and walks with a cane) gave up on the walking out idea. Now they just stock the house. I don’t know what they will do when they move to a smaller place. All the freeze dried food will have to go under the bed. But this is such a tease, Jenny! You never said which bag to buy! Inquiring minds want to know.
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Jessica, apparently the PERFECT bag can be found here (but there’s a gajillion others too): http://www.kifaru.net/militarypacks.htm
(All this Kifari Zulu bag happiness can be yours for the low, low price of $347 + shipping. As I said to my brother, “are you KIDDING me??!!”)
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OMG…ROTFL!! That was hysterical. I love the one is none, two is one and so three is better. OMG OMG OMG RIOT!! LOL!! That is sooo ME!! What if the back up breaks?!?!? What if the back up, to the back up, breaks?!?!? LOL!!! It’s better to say here it is than where is it????
We are totally not prepared for a disaster but I know that hubby would love to be. He eyes our neighbors back-up house generator with a longing that’s just not natural. If we were rich, I know we’d have one. Ummmm…we might lose power for a few hours once or twice a year?!?!? Over kill perhaps??? LOL!
Ok, candle hugging. I had no idea. I just burn the darn things and then toss em’ out. There’s an art form to it?!?!? Wow! LOL!!
Definitely would love to see a disaster preparedness post. LOL!!!
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Where you are, a generator is a wise disaster investment. Y’all would freeze to death if you were without power for a long time.
That’s funny that you’re a back-up of the back-up girl. You’d be a natural in IT. Now go hug some candles…. 🙂
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LoL. This is great. I have NO idea why he’d need to start fires if he lives in a city, but … LoL! So funny.
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He’s in a little bedroom community outside of Kansas City. Plus he camps. I see why he has the need to make fire periodically, just not to the tune of 4 firestarters on his person and 5 more in his car. We are simpatico there.
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ROFL, Jenny – your brother cracks me up! I’m kind of a “one is none” type of person, but I stop there, haha. Our emergency supplies are basic: flashlights, batteries, candles, matches, tuna, bottled water, wine (GOTTA have wine), fruit leather, other canned goods, can opener, meds, duct tape, dust filter masks, an extra propane tank in the tool shed, camping pots to cook with on the grill if needed. If the fridge goes out, I’ll want to cook all that stuff when the storm blows over so it isn’t wasted, right? That actually happened one year after a big snow storm. You should have seen me cooking eggs on the BBQ grill outside, trying to keep the snow, melting from the cooking heat, from plopping on my head or putting out the fire. LOOK…DODGE…PLOP…BRR 🙂
Our supplies are located in our below-ground basement in case of a tornado and the house comes down around us, so we can still eat and drink wine while the rescue workers dig us out, lol. But if there’s a flood, we’re screwed (usually there’s a little more notice with a flood, so we could move things, right?). Maybe I should start a second disaster kit in the attic…
So what do you think of my list, Jenny? Did I leave anything out? Maybe more wine? BTW, I’d love to see a disaster post from you!
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Yeah, Kathy, he cracks me up too. Hey, can I come hang out in your disaster shelter. I have a year’s worth of food and 50 gallons of water but maybe YOU have better wine. You already know I’m a Wine Whore. *whining*
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ROFL. That’s a riot Jenny. Definitely put a smile on my face this Monday morning. Are we prepared…hell no. But we do live in the desert so not a lot of natural disasters to prepare for.
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Oh, the boys would argue that you still have disasters where you are. Dust storms, droughts, power outages…they’d find something to worry about. 🙂
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HA! Thank god you gave us instructions for candle-hugging. I had something far different (and more hazardous) in mind…
With the recent power outages in LA, hubby and I have been thinking more seriously about disaster planning. So far we have a lantern, matches, candles and way too many cans of beans. LOL I think we have more work to do.
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August,
I grew up in LA – it’s a dog eat dog world up there if there’s a disaster. And YES, you’ve got lots more work to do. 🙂
I’d say diversify your food but get some water stored in your closets – 50 gallons minimum. I’m working up a post so y’all know the top 5 things and how to do them.
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If I had a disaster pack, I’d forget where I put it. And my wife wouldn’t see the point. She doesn’t even want a gun in the house.
Write the blog, but only if you poke lots of fun at hub and bro and other preparedness types. They bug us disorganized types.
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I’m with you David – I forget where I put all kinds of stuff! I promise to poke lots of fun while still giving tremendous info. What do you think? Can we still be disorganized friends??
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Years ago, I suggested a game show called “My Family is Weirder Than Yours.” Several people appear at each show and have 3 minutes to relate the weirdness of their family. Then audience members and judge vote for the best one. (All information must be verifiable, of course.) The problem with my idea is that every family has its own quirkiness! The bag-whore story is hilarious. Thanks for sharing. We clearly know who to seek out if a huge disaster does occur.
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LMAO, Julie!! You’re right, the problem with that show is there’s never really be a clear winner…there’s just different levels of weird.
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Somehow I missed the perfect “bag” for your husband. Did I miss that?
Let’s see, preparation on a boat. Yeah, two is always better. But if you wait for all the money to be ready and all the provisions to be on the boat, you’d probably never go. If we can’t have two, or run out of money, we have other options, but no going isn’t one of them.
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I put it in the comments above. 🙂
The only thing that would scare me on a boat is running out of gas, space or capsizing. Everything else seems like a blast.
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Explained your brother’s “one is none” philosophy to my daughter and she immediately got on her ipad looking into disaster preparedness. Haley already has a bag for the zombie invasion, so now she is getting a earthquake-tsunami (we live on the west coast) bag. 😉
Scuba diving with two tanks and two of those BCD thingies sounds great to me. Of course, I have no clue how to scuba, but my new philosophy is “one is none”. Being under the water is totally scary anyway! LOL!
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Oh yes, the military rules of supplies would definitely hold true for a zombie invasion. That’s funny. BCD’s help you float so 2 of them would absolutely jack you up under the water. I didn’t tell him that though, cause he was on a roll and was cracking me UP!
I LOVE being under the water. It’s beautiful down there with the fishies and the kelp. 🙂
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It seems only natural to me that he would have so many firestarters on hand, what with all those candles laying about the house.
😉
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Ha-ha!! You are right! Yet, if I mention it to him, I have a feeling his person to firestarter ratio will go UP. 🙂
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Jenny, this is beyond hilarious! But seriously, I would fit right in with your hubby and bro since I am a disaster preparedness maniac. Now, excuse me while I check my emergency cabinet for the monthly inventory.
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Oooooh…the things I find out! My pal Angie is a Prepper!! Who knew?
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This post was amazing. I was laughing the entire way through. Your brother sounds like someone who tells good stories. I’d love to sit down with you guys and just listen to a conversation sometime. It would be so interesting!
To the person who mentioned catapillars – although they do make me a little nervous, I’m not too bad about them. The thing that really freaks me out? Crickets/grasshoppers. Those things send me running. I have no idea why, but they’re more terrifying to me than spiders or any other creepy-crawlies out there.
P.S. Would LOVE a natural disaster preparedness guide. That would be full of laughs AND good information. (I now know what candle hugging is!)
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Thanks, Midnight! What a great comment. I almost hate to share with you that we’re in the midst of a cricket problem over here…
Now that you know how to hug your candles, you’ll keep them burning longer in the event of a disaster. Good job!!
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ROFL…..Okay, um, how old is your brother because I think I am married to his TWIN!
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He’s 45 and counting. 🙂 (supplies that is…)
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I figure Stop&Shop will open with an apocolypse sale. Anyway, I always put off chances to prepare for The Big One. I still believe it’s a long way off.
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Ah, the BIG ONE….You must be in California because everyone here is worried about the Big One that knocks the whole state into the ocean and floats us toward Japan (kidding, all you non-Californians – quit freaking).
I’m more worried about the small disasters myself.
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I live in CT. I’m waiting for Long Island Sound wipe out the coast and that part of NYS that sticks out. Anything else is gravy.
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This is hilarious. And candle hugging? I think I know more about gear than that…
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LOL, Leanne…my brother slays me on a regular basis. Who would’ve thought the guy knew about candle hugging??? Marriage is an interesting animal, eh?
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You would think that living in SoCal we would be prepared, but we’re not. We just moved back last year after living in Arizona for awhile and you get out of practice about thinking of such things.
I will look forward to your post Jenny. We need the reminders. 50 gallons of water, huh? You could use the water in your water heater though in an emergency I suppose. Oh well, you’re the guru, not me.
Thanks Jenny! 🙂
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It depends on the disaster, really. Minimum is 1 gallon/day/person. Y’all can do the math from there.
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What a hoot! I had no idea there was so much science to burning a candle.
I think it’s funny that your brother won’t SCUBA, and I’d forgotten that you do. It would be fun to dive together sometime, Cuz. 🙂 Thanks for a great post.
And oh, yes. I would love to see a blog on disaster survival. I barely got ready for my Xmas party. I’m screwed in a disaster.
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How freaking fun would that be?? I had to lay low on diving after pulmonary embolisms but I’ve been getting the itch lately to get back into the swing, at least for some nice 30-50 foot dives…
You? Unprepared?? Surely, you jest. 🙂
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