Like most writers, I make some damn fine coffee. We like to mainline the stuff, so it’s important to keep our taste buds happy, right?
The interesting part about this is that my dude doesn’t drink it unless I add chocolate, but my gal pals scarf it up.
About this time last year, one of my besties, Clair, asked what I was doing with my coffee that she wasn’t doing with hers.
She was moping so I gave her a Jenny-Coffee Christmas: a coffee grinder and a French press. I even told her what kind of beans I use. She’s an arty, interior design kind of gal so I figured she’d master it in no time.
One February morning she showed up at my door with a wild look in her eye. “I don’t know what you’re doing that I’m not, but my coffee is still crap! I NEED SOME COFFEE.”
I pulled her into the house and poured her a cup. Then, once she’d calmed down, we made a new pot, going through the process step by step. Her problem: she wasn’t grinding long enough. (Get your mind out of the gutter…all that comes later in the story.)
Clair’s coffee didn’t cross my mind again until last summer when I got THIS call one afternoon on my way home from work.
Clair: Are you sitting down? Cause I’ve got a story for you. You need to put this one in your blog.
Jenny Note: Isn’t it funny how our friends and family start taking their stories public through OUR blogs? You know your peeps are doing it too.
Clair: So one of my vendors, Maurice, stopped by my house with those tile samples I’m using for Pier 1.
Me: Very cool.
Clair: Yep. So he got here early while I was making coffee and we had a cup and talked for a while. He hadn’t been here since Shiny Man moved out.
Jenny Note: Shiny Man is her Ex-Dude. During their break up chat, he spoke about himself in the third person. (Here’s the verbatim example: It’s time for Randy to SHINE. Randy’s gonna go to Vegas and Shine.) And I said: Good freaking riddance! I hope he’s really sparkly somewhere FAR FROM YOU.
Now he will always and ever be known as “Shiny Man” or “Mr. Sparkles.”
Clair: So I told Maurice about school and we caught up a bit. He asked me if I was dating anyone. I told him I wasn’t really dating right now, that the focus was on school. I’m telling you, Jen, his whole demeanor changed. He tilted his head down and leaned toward me. Then he said, in this deep Elvis-y kind of voice: “But you’ve got NEEDS, don’t you?”
Me: Shut up, he did NOT say that!
Clair: Oh, but he did. Then he proceeded to lay out a whole “friends with benefits, no strings attached” relationship.
Me: This guy is MARRIED?!!
Me: And then what happened?
Clair: I told him I had to get to school and I’d walk him out.
Me: Hysterical laughter
Clair: Oh, it gets worse.
Me thinking: Thank God I’m stuck in traffic or I’d have to pull over. As it was I had to pee from laughing so hard.
So I asked: How could it POSSIBLY get worse than Married Maurice propositioning you in your kitchen?
Clair: Well, I walked him out through the security gate so he could get to his car. I was back inside the gate when he called my name. When I turned around, he was barreling toward me so I thought he forgot something.
Clair: You’re not going to believe this part. He skidded up to the security gate and pointed to his groin and said: “But I’ve got a really great tool. I could take good care of you, make you really happy.”
Me: Crowing with laughter. Seriously? Like, “Me love you long time?” He actually pointed to his crotch and said— (Speech failed me at this point.)
Clair: He actually pointed.
Me: So what did you do?
Clair: I doubled over laughing.
Me: What did he say about THAT? That’s kind of a tool-breaker for a dude.
Clair: I don’t know. I was laughing too hard. I just kind of shooed him with my hand and he left.
I wiped my eyes and took a few deep breaths before I dug for more details: OK, has he ever propositioned you before?
Me: Indicated that he was attracted to you?
Clair: Friendly flirting every so often, but nothing like this before. He’s always been a perfect gentleman. Very respectful.
Me: Hmmm. So all this happened, what…in the ten or fifteen minutes he was in your house?
Clair: Yes. I can’t figure out what got him started.
Me: More laughter. That must have been some cup of coffee.
Clair: You think it was the COFFEE??!
Me: Had you ever offered him any before?
Me: Apparently you make some aphrodisiac coffee. Congratulations. I think you should offer it to any man who comes in your house that you WANT to sleep with. Keep it away from all the others.
The moral of this story:
- If you’re married, don’t go propositioning single women. It’s tacky and they will TRASH you to their friends (and with good reason). Same advice goes for married women.
- Using the word “Tool” as part of any seduction line is guaranteed to make a woman pee her pants laughing.
You don’t think coffee will turn the normally-staid object of your affection into a Sexy Beast? Watch Joel McHale in this “Sexy Coffee” video and THEN tell me what you think!
What are the aphrodisiacs that have surprised you in your dating experiences? When you stock your pantry for a romantic evening, what’s on your shopping list? Have you ever received a proposition like Clair’s? Enquiring minds always want to know here at More Cowbell!
ANNOUNCEMENT: The two winners from last Tuesday’s post about 1001 Things To Love About Military Life are Gloria Richard and Tim O’Brien! Please send your mailing address to JennyHansensMail (AT) aol (DOT) com. You’re gonna love this book! (Results chosen using Random.org)
I’ve got a sore throat, stuffed sinuses, and feel like crap but I just about fell on the floor laughing. That post was better than any meds! Now I’m going to make myself a cup of coffee … alone …
Oh, Patricia!! You got the crud too?! The germs this year are just BIONIC. I’m happy to help you feel better.
As to your solo coffee…*lowers voice* “You’ve got NEEDS, don’t you?” (BAHAHAHAHA!)
Glad you’re feeling better Jenny!
That had to be one of the worst propositions I’ve ever heard, Clair needs to have a Mr. Coffee stashed in her cabinet just to keep off the married men, obviously pressed is too sexy! (see video!) The only weird thing about propositions I have is that I didn’t get many when single, it was only after I got engaged, and then married. Then the number jumped! What is it with guys??? I think they feel better if they have a good reason to get rejected!
Isn’t that the weirdest thing, Jessica? My men friends tell me the same thing. I think the world’s filled with people who are afraid to be happy. That’s all I can figure. They go for the marrieds so there is almost zero chance at being lucky in love.
The story had me laughing like crazy, but the video?!!!
*on the floor, laughing till she can’t breathe, passes out*
I found that video AFTER I dug up this account of Clair’s “coffee mishap” but it killed me too. So perfect!
O_O Did I really just read that? Did that really HAPPEN?! Wow…
You really did read that, Lydia. And sadly, that story is 100% true.
OMG. This story has brightened my entire morning. Lesson for me? Never underestimate the power of coffee. lol
That’s a fine lesson, Brinda! I think of it whenever I take my own coffee for granted. I’m happy to brighten anyone’s Monday.
Rolling on the floor! “I’ve got a really great tool…” The guy IS a tool!
Coffee. Who knew? And you’re right about the friends/family/blog relationship. Mine do it, too: “This could be a blog post, right?” 🙂
LMAO, Diane! I have told my husband before that he is “sooooo bloggable!” It really gets incorporated into your interpersonal relationships, doesn’t it?
OMG! “Shiny man” combined with getting caffeinated? Hoooo boy. Or is that “ho boy.”
You baaaad. I like that in a person. *eg*
LMAO! I hadn’t thought about your love of sparkly things when I related this story!! Trust me, you would NOT have liked the Shiny Man.
See, now if we wrote that scene into a book. Readers would be like–oh, that would never happen. Lol. But never underestimate a dimwitted man and his, uh, tool.
I know, right? People always think we make up the real stuff.
That was hilarious! Some guys are loony. I do wonder if he was donning a pair of toolbelt boxers (http://www.select2gether.com/mens-tool-belt-themed-boxers). Maybe that was the tool connection.
By the way, any guy who offers to meet a gal’s “needs” doesn’t really understand that we need more than stupid lines.
SQUEEEE…we’ve got Undies, people! Go, Julie! You are officially beloved by #pantypeeps everywhere. 🙂
Oohh-boy, Jenny! Grind those beans, girl! I’m glad I had the usual “no liquids” precautions in place (which is whenever I read your blog). You have the coolest girlfriends! You’ll have to let us know if she gets a guy she LIKES with her coffee. 🙂
BTW, I’ve got a thong on my “Cyber Monday for Mystery Lovers” that you might like, LOL.
Oooooh….thong and mystery together! I know what I’m doing on my next break. 🙂
I don’t know what’s funnier – the Tool Man or the Shiny Man. This makes my marriage satisfaction rating go through the roof!
Lol, Jane! Both these guys are enough to make every married lady feel ecstatic, eh?
*dies* Oh, that story is too funny. Man, I wish I was getting propositions… not that I want to follow up… I am married and all, but it sure feels nice once in a while, eh? Even if you are having a deep belly laugh because he used the word tool… *snort*
You do have a point that it’s nice to be appreciated. Maybe hubby can proposition you??
I managed to keep from spraying the computer at the mention of “Shiny Man” (it was a feat of superhuman control), but… tool?! A gal can only take so much. 😉
You just spray away, Lena. It gives you a good reason to buff up your screen. 🙂
Wow. Well, yeah, just wow.
I think Clair should’ve told him that she has a ‘tool’ that helps, too. It uses batteries and isn’t married.
What a tool. But Joel, ah, now there’s a real man! That must’ve been some cup of coffee.
ROFL over that “It uses batteries and isn’t married.” Bahahahahahah!
O.M.G. I just about peed myself reading this. What a riot!!! Seriously. I have friends that could totally relate to Clair – sad there are so many dude men out there but alas…there are! I love how she handled it – laughing her butt off at the “tool” remark – SWEET!!!
The video rocked!
Just what I needed to perk up my evening…LMAO!!!!
I live to perk up your evening and make you spew liquids! You know that, right?
This post killed me and left me with less doubts than ever that the man species would be extinct if it wasn’t for the 50-50 flip of the sex coin at child birth.
I can now see why Maurice is a flooring salesman rather than a salesman for Snap-on Tools.
I can see him leaving a garage, slowly turning to the mechanics – arms out reached – shoulders hunched- “but I have a really good tool…..”
Moooahhahahahaha! Good bye Cialas – Hello Clenny’s (portmanrteau) coffee! Gggggrrrowl!
NICE portmanteau, dude…very nice! I’m telling Clair. But are you sure it wouldn’t be Coff-Duction for “coffee seduction” or perhaps a java-disiac for Java Aphrodisiac. Hmmmm…the possibilities are endless.
You still win the portmanteau Forever Panties Award with “Lickies!”
(we’re referencing the comments here: https://jennyhansenauthor.wordpress.com/2011/10/31/the-undie-chronicles-the-final-episode/)
And the winner is java-disiac!!
I bow before you in defeat!…..
Last ditch effort ….Joagra! (Joe+viagra)
Oooooooh, Joeagra is GOOD. That’s a tough call…I think you’re gonna have to get your wife to be the final judge. Hmmmmm….
Oh you two are incorrigible!!! I LOVE IT!!!
Hmmm…tough call – they are all good!!! Joagra rocks but I think I like javadisiac as the winner!! LOL!!!
Wow – just wow. I can’t believe the gull of some men. How embracing for him. And what kind of idiot does that? Clearly the tool he needs isn’t working – the one between his ears. But what a GREAT story for Claire to now share ALL over the internet. Hehehe
Yes, there is always the “viral factor” – I’m sure this Maurice is familiar with it (in many forms). Thanks for popping in, Debra!
The aphrodisiac quality of a cuppa java is lost on me. My cardiologist cut me off four years ago. I know it’s heresy but I drink iced green tea and the cardio nearly plotzed when I told him I drank 32 oz. per day. Oh yeah my momma told me to treat women with respect and don’t expect rewards for being a human being. Being nice has led me to very nice ladies and I don’t expect a reward.
You go, Tom! But I’m very sorry you’ve been cut off from the Joe. I’d have plotzed too.
Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, how on EARTH did I miss this yesterday? Laughing so hard I can barely type.
LOL, Myndi! Thanks for the RTs and Facebook love as well. The comments were a stitch.
wow. that dude broke some serious man-laws. to all women who have had to endure comments that involved the phrase “my tool”, I would like to apologize.
I’d lay bets that if you’re married to Myndi, there has never been any comments involving that phrase. No apologies neccessary. That idiot Maurice? HE should apologize, but you are perfect. 🙂
Hysterical! Laughing at my desk, co-workers wondering what’s so funny 🙂
Hey Kathleen, I took out all the really bad words…you should be able to pass it on to some trusted workers. 🙂
I need to share this story with my girlfriends. I think there will be some serious rolling on the floor and spewing drinks hysterics going on. Photos to follow (if I can succeed in holding my camera straight), mwhahahaha! I was hoping the dudes with a “tool-master” attitude were going extinct – I was so wrong! Ha, ha.
Love the Jenny’s portmanteau coffee: you gotta trademark it. It can bring you millions, dahlin!
Yep, Angela…we’re gonna need to have some pictures of this event! I’ll feature them here if they’d like to be famous in two spots. 🙂
Oh, wow! That was hilarious. The story and the video. I have never really thought about what brings on unwanted attention and propositions from married men. I have had it happen a couple of times and it always surprises me. After the second married man I knew through work hit on me my Bestie started calling my butt “Magneta” because she said it pulls the metal in the wedding band to it like a magnet. It was a way to get a good laugh out of an uncomfortable situation. I like your message to married men: Just don’t do it! It’s always going to be tacky.
I first read “Magneta” as “Magenta” and had a completely blonde moment going “Magenta pulls metal into her butt??” Thank goodness for coffee and my tendency to re-read. 🙂
Great story! The closest I’ve come to that was when I was on Match.com. One guy that ‘winked’ at me, sent me a message. His opening line was not ‘hello, my name is..’, not even ‘ooh baby you’re hot’. It was simply, “I love oral sex. Is that okay?” What’s a girl to say? Obviously we never set a date to get together. 🙂
Shut the front door!! He had the gall to say that for his opening line?! The sad thing is, it must have worked or he wouldn’t keep doing it.
I was drinking my coffee reading this quite wide-eyed and grinning like a fool in the coffee shop. Thought I might have myself one of those When Harry Met Sally Meg Ryan orgasms right here! LOL
Love this post!
LOL, Jess. If I’d made you laugh in the coffee shop, my Monday work would’ve been complete. 🙂
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LMFAO. What a great story. Men can be such pigs. And “tool,” seriously? I’ve been married so long I don’t remember what it’s like to get hit on, but I love living vicariously through your friends:)
Thanks, Stacy! I’ll tell you, she almost had me peeing myself on the freeway. Married Maurice is an IDIOT. 🙂
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I am laughing so hard! That happened to me before only the married man was my father’s age and used to babysit me as a child. He said if we didn’t sleep together we couldn’t work together. Wow. Good to know I’m not alone here.
Needless to say I don’t work with him anymore.