Like most writers, I make some damn fine coffee. We like to mainline the stuff, so it’s important to keep our taste buds happy, right?
The interesting part about this is that my dude doesn’t drink it unless I add chocolate, but my gal pals scarf it up.
About this time last year, one of my besties, Clair, asked what I was doing with my coffee that she wasn’t doing with hers.
She was moping so I gave her a Jenny-Coffee Christmas: a coffee grinder and a French press. I even told her what kind of beans I use. She’s an arty, interior design kind of gal so I figured she’d master it in no time.
One February morning she showed up at my door with a wild look in her eye. “I don’t know what you’re doing that I’m not, but my coffee is still crap! I NEED SOME COFFEE.”
I pulled her into the house and poured her a cup. Then, once she’d calmed down, we made a new pot, going through the process step by step. Her problem: she wasn’t grinding long enough. (Get your mind out of the gutter…all that comes later in the story.)
Clair’s coffee didn’t cross my mind again until last summer when I got THIS call one afternoon on my way home from work.
Clair: Are you sitting down? Cause I’ve got a story for you. You need to put this one in your blog.
Jenny Note: Isn’t it funny how our friends and family start taking their stories public through OUR blogs? You know your peeps are doing it too.
Clair: So one of my vendors, Maurice, stopped by my house with those tile samples I’m using for Pier 1.
Me: Very cool.
Clair: Yep. So he got here early while I was making coffee and we had a cup and talked for a while. He hadn’t been here since Shiny Man moved out.
Jenny Note: Shiny Man is her Ex-Dude. During their break up chat, he spoke about himself in the third person. (Here’s the verbatim example: It’s time for Randy to SHINE. Randy’s gonna go to Vegas and Shine.) And I said: Good freaking riddance! I hope he’s really sparkly somewhere FAR FROM YOU.
Now he will always and ever be known as “Shiny Man” or “Mr. Sparkles.”
Clair: So I told Maurice about school and we caught up a bit. He asked me if I was dating anyone. I told him I wasn’t really dating right now, that the focus was on school. I’m telling you, Jen, his whole demeanor changed. He tilted his head down and leaned toward me. Then he said, in this deep Elvis-y kind of voice: “But you’ve got NEEDS, don’t you?”
Me: Shut up, he did NOT say that!
Clair: Oh, but he did. Then he proceeded to lay out a whole “friends with benefits, no strings attached” relationship.
Me: This guy is MARRIED?!!
Me: And then what happened?
Clair: I told him I had to get to school and I’d walk him out.
Me: Hysterical laughter
Clair: Oh, it gets worse.
Me thinking: Thank God I’m stuck in traffic or I’d have to pull over. As it was I had to pee from laughing so hard.
So I asked: How could it POSSIBLY get worse than Married Maurice propositioning you in your kitchen?
Clair: Well, I walked him out through the security gate so he could get to his car. I was back inside the gate when he called my name. When I turned around, he was barreling toward me so I thought he forgot something.
Clair: You’re not going to believe this part. He skidded up to the security gate and pointed to his groin and said: “But I’ve got a really great tool. I could take good care of you, make you really happy.”
Me: Crowing with laughter. Seriously? Like, “Me love you long time?” He actually pointed to his crotch and said— (Speech failed me at this point.)
Clair: He actually pointed.
Me: So what did you do?
Clair: I doubled over laughing.
Me: What did he say about THAT? That’s kind of a tool-breaker for a dude.
Clair: I don’t know. I was laughing too hard. I just kind of shooed him with my hand and he left.
I wiped my eyes and took a few deep breaths before I dug for more details: OK, has he ever propositioned you before?
Me: Indicated that he was attracted to you?
Clair: Friendly flirting every so often, but nothing like this before. He’s always been a perfect gentleman. Very respectful.
Me: Hmmm. So all this happened, what…in the ten or fifteen minutes he was in your house?
Clair: Yes. I can’t figure out what got him started.
Me: More laughter. That must have been some cup of coffee.
Clair: You think it was the COFFEE??!
Me: Had you ever offered him any before?
Me: Apparently you make some aphrodisiac coffee. Congratulations. I think you should offer it to any man who comes in your house that you WANT to sleep with. Keep it away from all the others.
The moral of this story:
- If you’re married, don’t go propositioning single women. It’s tacky and they will TRASH you to their friends (and with good reason). Same advice goes for married women.
- Using the word “Tool” as part of any seduction line is guaranteed to make a woman pee her pants laughing.
You don’t think coffee will turn the normally-staid object of your affection into a Sexy Beast? Watch Joel McHale in this “Sexy Coffee” video and THEN tell me what you think!
What are the aphrodisiacs that have surprised you in your dating experiences? When you stock your pantry for a romantic evening, what’s on your shopping list? Have you ever received a proposition like Clair’s? Enquiring minds always want to know here at More Cowbell!
ANNOUNCEMENT: The two winners from last Tuesday’s post about 1001 Things To Love About Military Life are Gloria Richard and Tim O’Brien! Please send your mailing address to JennyHansensMail (AT) aol (DOT) com. You’re gonna love this book! (Results chosen using Random.org)