Bayard/Lamb 2012 Campaign: Worldwide Blog Tour Kick-off

Today I’m honored to welcome two amazing ladies to More Cowbell for a momentous event. I’m sure you’re aware that Piper Bayard has thrown her hat in the ring for the 2012 elections. It’s with great pleasure that I announce the kick-off Campaign Rally Interview for Bayard/Lamb 2012, happening right here. (OMG! OMG!!)

I’m sure you will all agree that each of these ladies possesses some serious Cowbell!

While Piper and Kristen make your hands itch for a ballot box, I’ll be over at Stacy Green’s blog – Turning The Page  discussing dating, relationships and how to meet your soulmate.

***********

Ladies and gentleman, please ring your Cowbells loudly for…

Piper Bayard, 2012 Presidential Candidate

and

Kristen Lamb,
2012 Vice-Presidential Candidate

Welcome, Ladies!

I’m soooo excited at the prospect of getting “A Pair” in the White House that I almost can’t decide which questions should be asked…

Piper and Kristen, lets start kinda general to give people a sense of where you stand on the big issues before we zoom in to what the More Cowbell Posse really wants to know. (Like what kind of Undies you most prefer and DO YOU SEXT?)

1. I’m an advocate of the Bayard/Lamb Granny Care and Jobs Plans – would you summarize those here in 30 seconds or less?

Especially with the baby boomers, we are facing the greatest aging population in our history, and there are only so many WalMart greeter jobs. We would hire grannies and grandpas to bring common sense, chicken soup, and TLC to people when they are ailing. We would call them the Granny Plan Silver Hair Health League.

Grandpas would answer your calls and help you determine which kind of Granny would be best for you, and then our Granny Division would promptly send out the Granny with the appropriate chicken soup and attitude. Let’s fact it. Sometimes you don’t need Xanax, you just need a hug or a good, swift kick in the ass. Granny Plan takes full advantage of the wisdom of our maturing population while cutting our healthcare costs.

2. The current administration seems to play a LOT of golf – what is your position on golf for YOUR administration?

Bayard: To me, golf is like playing fetch with yourself. You hit a ball, and then you chase it. If anyone in my administration would like to play fetch with themselves during their free time, they are welcome to do so. And to be clear, unlike one of my recent predecessors, I will not put golf ahead of national security matters like getting the world’s Bin Ladens.

Lamb: Golf is a sport for people who are retired, and people who are running our country should not be in retirement mode. If they need to de-stress, they can do heavy duty yard work or go dig a ditch. (I learned these valuable de-stressing techniques from my own Granny Plan. I will freely sacrifice her for the benefit of this country.) The White House has enough landscaping to keep anyone in the administration stress-free for the next 20 years, and think of the added value to the taxpayers.

3. Please name the members of your future Cabinet and why you feel they are a good fit for the position.

Holmes will be our Secretary of Defense. He has the experience and the moxie for the job, and he’s got one hell of a sense of humor. He won’t just keep us safe, he will keep us laughing.

Our Secretary of State will be The Slapping Medicine Man, and we will first send him to North Korea, to Iran, and to any future EU economic summits. 

There will be no Secretary of Homeland Security because that entire Department is redundant. We already had a CIA and an FBI. A bureaucracy whose main contribution to America has been the TSA Grope has no purpose in our administration.

Our Secretary of Agriculture will be Shawna Coronado, the author of Gardening Nude. Shawna is an expert at teaching people to grow their own food in their own front yards, and, to the best of my knowledge, she has no ties to the Big Food industry that puts such things as dead people’s hair (L-cysteine) and beaver anal glands (natural flavorings) into their products and passes them off as “food.” 

We’ll be selecting the rest of our cabinet using Reality TV Shows as a way of boosting the economy and bringing a new level of authenticity to the cabinet selection process. Granted, it’s still fake, but it’s transparent fake. We realize that the best way to truly get the majority of Americans involved in their own government is to put it in the Reality TV format. If you’re interested in applying for the Big Committee, start practicing your dance moves, or, depending on the show, you might want to read up on what plants are edible.

4. Are there any world leaders you plan to bow to?

Absolutely not. There was a harbor with some tea and a king who got his ass kicked back to England a couple of hundred years ago for that crap. The whole point of the United States of America is that we have no kings here. The only bowing exceptions will be polite, reciprocal bows with oriental folks, or while participating in the World Bank Dance Off, but only if it is a legitimate and necessary part of the dance choreography.

5. What sort of Undies does The Pair favor?

We’re working with Spanx to develop the new Patriot Panties. They are a lacy hybrid of Granny Panties and Thunderwear, inscribed with the Declaration of Independence. They will have no room for a puppeteer’s hand to go up your back, and they are guaranteed to make all women’s butts look like Brooklyn Decker’s in the TSA scanners. (see sample –>)

6. How do you propose to work with Congress?

We weren’t aware that Congress actually worked. That’s one of the reasons we’re running for office.

7. What is your view on Czars?

They’re dead kings of Russia. We already have enough corpses taking up space in D.C.

8. Do you write your own speeches?

Yes. Unlike the rest of the candidates, Jim Henson Productions does not have hands up our backs or put words in our mouths.

9. What is your view on the use of Teleprompters?

Refer to Question #8. 

10. Give me a quick slice of your campaigning life.

“Hey, Kristen. Does this sound presidential to you? . . . Yea. You’re right. I’ll take that out.” . . . *omits reference to rubber chicken dueling during debates* . . . “Hitting the ‘publish’ button.”

11. Do you plan to visit Iowa during your campaign?

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. How long have these yahoos been going to Iowa, and look at what we’ve gotten so far? We think we should do something different. You know. Mix things up a bit. We think the people of Montana have been underrepresented for far too long. After all, people willing to deal with 20 feet of snow just to live that far from D.C. have surely got to have some good sense. And besides, they’re close to Yellowstone, and we’ve always wanted to see that.

12. Do you plan to do any White House decorating? Please elaborate.

We are looking for sane uses of the taxpayers money and see no need to mark our territory in the White House by changing out the carpets and curtains. Unlike our predecessors, we are not career politicians. With epic unemployment and an overwhelming national debt, redecorating is the least of our concerns. We will, however, have the entire building fumigated, and we’ll get Nate Berkus to show us how to hang corner shelves in the Oval Office. 

13. What is your view on vacations for the Prez, Vice-Prez and their families? Who should pay for these vacations? What is the appropriate number/year?

Originally, the presidency was supposed to be the Citizen Servant. Not the pampered wannabe aristocracy that smacks of the Old World whose ass we kicked more than once to get away from. Like normal Americans, our 1 – 3 weeks of vacation every year will be spent sorting through our stuff and having a garage sale. We hope to get enough for the Clinton Era blue dress we found in the back closet to pay for the development of our Patriot Panties. 

(Note: If the wearer of the Blue Dress had been wearing Patriot Panties, she would have received a message from a member of our Silver Hair Health League warning her that that man was no good for her.)

14. What’s your view on America’s dependence on foreign oil?

We would like to defer to our Secretary of Defense, Holmes, on this one, as he has given this a great deal of thought. 

Holmes: Dependence on foreign resources is always dangerous and usually an expensive proposition. We need to get serious about increasing our own energy efficiency and taking reasonable steps to develop energy alternatives. We also need to re-assess our world trade situation, of which both food exports and petroleum imports are such a huge factor.

That’s why, in 2009, Bayard & Holmes founded the Organization for Food Underwriting Countries (“OFUC”). We intend to utilize OFUC initiatives to help the US and other food exporting nations achieve a more effective trade balance with those nations which we depend on for oil. Perhaps instead of protesters in the West chanting, “No war for oil,” we will soon see Saudi and Gulf State protesters chanting, “No war for food.”

15. Will there be sexting in the White House?

While we cannot speak for The Slapping Medicine Man, both of us are happily married so we have no plans to start sexting just because we are in the White House. How interns and Congress play with their phones on their own time and ticket is of no concern to us. 

Thank you for hosting us at your blog today. We’ve enjoyed our visit. And remember. . . .
Bayard/Lamb 2012 – Because Blonde is the New Black!

Thank you to Piper, Kristen and Holmes for answering all of my questions. You have my vote! (The 15 questions above were formulated based on the idiocy of those currently holding office and the frivolity we love to engage in here at More Cowbell.)

Special Announcements

  • For more information on the Bayard/Lamb 2012 campaign, click here.
  • If you would like to host a Bayard/Lamb 2012 Campaign Rally Interview at your website, please mention it in the comments below, or contact Piper at piperbayard@yahoo.com.
  • If you have ideas or manufacturing space for the creation of Patriot Panties, please also mention that in the comments below. We’d like to have them available for sale on the campaign trail ASAP!

Do you have any other questions to ask this Dynamic Pair? Can the Bayard/Lamb team count on your vote in 2012? Enquiring minds always want to know here at More Cowbell!

Jenny

About Jenny Hansen

Avid seeker of "more"...More words, more creativity, More Cowbell! An extrovert who's terribly fond of silliness. Founding blogger at Writers In The Storm (http://writersinthestormblog.com). Write on!
This entry was posted in Humor, More Cowbell and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

71 Responses to Bayard/Lamb 2012 Campaign: Worldwide Blog Tour Kick-off

  1. K.B. Owen says:

    Oh, my goodness…*catching breath*…this is hysterical. I’ve been following the campaign for a while now, and there are some new things here I haven’t seen (you’re a great interviewer, Jenny!). Love the golf-playing-catch-with-yourself reference, “eww” to the beaver glands, and “Yay” to the Slapping Medicine Man! I was hoping he’d be part of your Cabinet. What’s your position on our nuclear arsenal?

    Like

    • Piper Bayard says:

      My position on our nuclear arsenal? Downward dog.

      In all seriousness, though, since you ask a very serious question, nuclear power is a genie that isn’t going back in the bottle. In WWII, it was estimated, and I believe correctly, that it saved hundreds of thousands of American lives over a land assault on the main islands of Japan. That is a power that should not be dismissed. Therefore, it is in the best interests of America if we have a nuclear arsenal, and our enemies don’t. Because, as Holmes says, “If you’re in a fair fight, you have poor tactics.” We cannot deny that even if we were as peaceful as the pre-communist Tibet, we would still have enemies as a nation. After all, you see what happened to Tibet?

      In many ways, though, nuclear weapons make countries weaker. The Cold War proved that no sane person wants to go there. As a result, we have repeatedly become embroiled in long wars with no end game for fear that real power will result in a nuclear escalation. Our nuclear arsenal is our albatross.

      Like

  2. Ellie Ann says:

    This is hilarious! I like all the puppet references! I had no idea Jim Henson was political.😉 Which is what most politicians look like to me.
    I do, however, think you should get help with your speeches. After all, you can’t possibly know everything about every topic a president needs to speak on! That’s why you hire smart people around you!🙂

    Like

  3. Piper Bayard says:

    Yes. Jim Henson is deeply engaged in political activities. That’s why you rarely see the backs of any politicians on TV.

    Of course we would have very smart people around us to inform us of topics and situations, but we would like to think we would listen and understand those smart people before we open our mouths and start giving speeches. We would never stand up and repeat words someone else wrote without understanding them. That’s for the career politicians.

    Thank you so much for your support, Ellie. Which cabinet post will you be competing for?

    Like

  4. Pingback: Bayard/Lamb 2012 – Kicking Off the Campaign Blog Tour « Author Piper Bayard

  5. Stacy Green says:

    LOL. Great Monday morning laughs. You guys have my vote:)

    Like

  6. Fantabulous! I near spit out my coffee. LOL!
    If I were a US citizen, y’all would have my vote!
    We need a duo version like this for Canada….

    Like

    • Piper Bayard says:

      Actually, you can vote for us. As I mentioned over at my own site today, you Canadians can register yourselves, your pets, and all of your passed away loved ones in the city of Chicago. Then, you can all vote for us as many times as you like. It’s a time-honored tradition in that city.🙂 Thank you for your support.

      Like

    • Natalie, read the comment in Piper’s blog today about Canadians (and any pets, relatives, people you don’t even know, living or dead) registering to vote in Chicago … sketchy … that Governor Rod Blagowhatever must be involved! Let’s fill up some buses!

      Like

  7. Maybe this campaign is an idea whose time has come. Hartford could start her own campaign in Canada. Maybe Donna Collins Newton could run for Queen of England so they won’t have to promote Mr. Personality when his mother dies.

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      I think they’re going to skip Mr. Personality (due to the adultery business) and jump on Will & Kate for the position, but I would love to see Donna throw her hat into the ring.🙂

      Like

    • Piper Bayard says:

      Great ideas, David. I would love to share State dinners Donna and Natalie. We would invite all of our countries to fire up their grills and join us. We could make it a Twitter party. Thanks so much for your support, Mr. Presidential Republican Liaison.🙂

      Like

  8. neyska says:

    You have my vote!😉

    Like

  9. Excellent post! If you two don’t get elected, there’s something majorly messed up with this country. Oh, wait.

    Piper/Lamb 2012! Donna Newton Queen of England! Natalie Hartford for Canadian Queen! (hey, it can happen).

    Like

  10. Piper Bayard says:

    Let’s do this thing! Thanks so much for your support. I believe it can happen.🙂

    Like

  11. kerrymeacham says:

    On a more serious note, can we set up an Organization for Food Underwriting Countries University to train people in the reasoning behind this great initiative? That way if someone from an oil rich country starts giving us crap about how their oil is worth more than our food we can simply point them in the direction of OFUCU. I’m sure they’ll get the message. I’m just sayin’. You’ve got my vote. ~clink~

    Like

  12. Hilarious! Great interview though. Definitely time for a change🙂

    Like

  13. Julie Glover says:

    I despise the TSA Grope. Why a security guard needs to perform a gyneological exam so that I can ride on an airplane is beyond me. It strikes me that the longer we cower in fear, the more the terrorists win. (I have some great friends who vehemently disagree with me on this one. I’m planning to buy them patriotic panties for Christmas, so that the TSA agents have something nice to look at as they grope away.)

    As to cabinet positions, I’m hoping you eliminate a good half of them anyway. I wonder what will be left. I’m thinking I’d like to be Chief of Staff – with an actual staff used to smack people who suggest stupid things or remain idle for too long.

    I’m eager to have Piper and Kristen stop by my blog on the campaign tour, which will be sometime in the future. When? Hey, we don’t have my people calling their people; it’s just us and I don’t have the date at my fingertips.

    Great post! Thanks for launching the tour, Jenny!

    Like

    • Author Kristen Lamb says:

      I LOVE your attitude and why can’t we redefine Chief of Staff? Would you like to be the Chief of Full Staff or Chief of Quarter Staff. Quarter Staff is more portable, but Full Staff has the benefit of more heft.

      Like

      • Julie Glover says:

        Wow! Did I get to bypass the dance competition? Because I have totally been working on my moves today. You name it, I’ll do it. I don’t care what my title is, as long as I get the staff.

        Like

        • Author Kristen Lamb says:

          In fairness, if you compete, you could not make the staff part of your dance choreography. Too close to pole dancing and pole dancing already mixes too much with the political process. That is part of what we are trying to remedy. But, if you want to show off your staff skills I’m sure that Survivor: Washington might be the better reality TV fit for selection.

          Like

  14. ROFL Great interview! I’ll be speaking to Natalie about coordinating the Canadian voter registration bus tours to Chicago. No question it will be “party” time!
    Jenny – I feel a sequel to The Undie Chronicles in the works … we’re going to need to hear more about Patriot Panties!

    Like

  15. Oh, man. I wish they really were running for President. Just this interview alone convinces me they’re better than the candidates we’ve got to choose from now.

    Will the Patriot Panties have pictures of George Washington or Stars and Stripes or both? And I ‘m assuming they’ll be for men and women. The stars and stripes could be for either but George could be for the women and Martha for the men.

    Like

    • Piper Bayard says:

      You know, it can be arranged. After all, FB and Twitter turned Betty White into a teen icon.

      Great idea about gender-specific Patriot Panties. We’ll definitely give that one some thought. Would that be the hot pre-marital Martha or the Granny Martha? Because she could be good for Granny Plan Panties, as well.

      Like

  16. All I can say is “rock on”:) You have my vote for sure!

    Like

  17. 1. Would you consider demonstrating executive frugality by wearing Carol Burnett/Scarlet O’Hara curtain dresses for state dinners?
    2. Will the use of salt in my home (and at restaurants) be on your national security agenda?
    3. What is your campaign slogan?
    4. Will you declare the congressional retirement plan bankrupt and unable to honor future payments?
    5. Will you have a presidential mascot? If yes, does is HAVE to be a rubber chicken?
    6. Will you publicly confirm that your constituents are not “dumber than dirt” and unable to determine what’s good for them?
    7. Do you know how to pronounce nuclear? If not, does it really matter?
    8. Do you believe “lie” and “misspoke” are synonymous?
    9. Can we have the inaugural ball in Climax, Pennsylvania?

    Thank you. I am joining the campaign.

    Like

    • Whoop! Forgot number 10.
      10. Will you be a guest on my blog?

      Like

      • Piper Bayard says:

        Lol. We’d love to, Gloria. I’m assuming these extensive questions are for the blog interview, but I will give you a preview. The big shoulder thing is so 80s so unlike Carol Burnett, I will take the rod out of the curtains before I wear the dress, but I do love brocade.🙂 I LOVED that Carol Burnett skit, btw. I still reference it, too.

        Please send me an email at piperbayard@yahoo.com and we’ll work out a date. We look forward to visiting your blog for a rally.🙂 You rock!

        Like

  18. You got my vote.😀

    Like

    • Piper Bayard says:

      Yea! Thanks for your support, Sonia. You will be in charge of putting cats into White House sinks. Just because they amuse me, and I will need all of the amusement I can get.🙂

      Like

  19. Jillian Dodd - Glitter, Bliss and Perfect Chaos says:

    Love all your ideas. This just keeps getting better and better!! You so have my vote!!

    Like

  20. Babs M says:

    Hey, I’m up for a good blog stop– *in game show announcer voice* COME ON DOWN!! I’m for any sane voice. Now what you need to do is get yourselves on the Colbert Report, and get that Colbert bump!!! Seriously, get hold of me– Shawna will vet me with a B+ at least– bmountjoy at zoominternet dot net… Girl Power!

    Like

  21. Piper Bayard says:

    Hi, Babs! Thanks so much for your support and the invite. We will love stopping by your blog for a rally.🙂

    Like

  22. Highly entertaining! Until the beaver gland part. Yuck! I knew there was a reason I didn’t like golf. LOL

    I support Bayard/Lamb for 2012!!

    Like

  23. Sherry Isaac says:

    So I’m here because Gloria sent me. Oh, no, says I. I must write. But then Gloria began to cluck and flap her wings so here I am. And, getting a kick out of some odd coincidences. 1. Just friended Shawna Coronado this morning by total fluke. Thank you, Facebook, for recommending her friendship. Happy to say, Shawna accepted. Friended first commenter on board, KB Owen, just last week. And then what do I see? Downward Dog. Well, we were on a roll. DD is my least favourite yoga position. I loathe DD.

    But, I’ll vote for you anyway. Assuming this Canadian is allowed to vote (Natalie, call me). Must support the fellow belly dancer!

    Like

  24. Piper Bayard says:

    Yea! Thanks, Sherry. We love our Canadian voters. And a fellow belly dancer? Sounds like you would be ideal for a reality tv show, or a slot on the entertainment card for the Inaugural Ball.

    Like

  25. Pingback: Why Writers Need a Platform « Kristen Lamb's Blog

  26. Where do I get my yard sign and bumper sticker?

    Like

  27. Marcia says:

    Eww, beaver anal glands and dead people’s hair?
    You women have my vote! The two of without political experience have more to offer than all the Republican prospects out there now! You have brains,common sense and will look great in those Patriotic Panties!

    I’d love to have you on my blog during your tour! I’d also love to be one of your Grannies on the Granny Plan. I may not have gray hair, nor do I sound like Tweety Bird’s Granny, but I am an actual Granny and I make a mean chicken soup! (sans the beaver anal glands)

    Like

    • Piper Bayard says:

      Yea! We’d love to visit, Marcia. Please email me at piperbayard@yahoo.com and we’ll get you on the schedule. And you may absolutely be a part of our Granny Plan. Sounds like you already meet the qualifications if you have a great chicken soup.🙂 We’ll look forward to hearing from you.

      Like

  28. Hilarious and fabulously faboolicious.

    And I cannot believe I am actually about to write this. It must be my anti-authoritarian streak which shows up no matter what — because I HATE golf — but, as I am married to a serious golfer, I can tell you that you can tell a lot about a person’s character by the way a person plays the game. A lot of people cheat. They lie about their scores. Or they pad their scores to get a higher handicap. This is called sandbagging. And it sucks. There are crybabies, people who throw their clubs in tantrums, people who throw their balls out of sand traps, people who freak out when they are in the rough. There are people who beg for redos. It’s quite something to see.

    That said, I will just assume that you will be integrating a lot of yoga into the White House. It’s more about the core. How’s that for a slogan on the side?😉

    Rock on chicas.

    Like

    • Piper Bayard says:

      We will have open yoga on the White House lawn every morning. Great way to start the day.

      As for golf, my family enjoys putt-putt. We start out serious for a few holes, and by the end of the game, we are competing to see who can pull the most outrageous cheat. Usually, at least one ball goes over the fence and into the street. *Oops*

      But taking golf seriously enough to cheat for reals? Wow. That is character revealing. Perhaps we should have a Golf Reality TV show that is actually an integrity and maturity test for prospective members of the administration.

      Thanks for your support, Renee. Much appreciated.🙂

      Like

  29. Pingback: Mid-November Mash Up « Lessons From Teachers and Twits

  30. educlaytion says:

    Oh I would love for you two to come teach some of my American Government classes. I rarely make it through an hour without taking swipes at Congress! Um, do I get to be your Secretary of Education?

    Like

  31. Piper Bayard says:

    I was hoping you would ask that, Clay. Yes. We already had you slotted for that position. You would be in charge of dismantling the department, upgrading the profession of teaching to attract a larger number of devoted, capable candidates such as yourself, Renee, and Leanne, and setting up our Youth Educational Exchange Program. We think you’re just the man for the job!

    And we would LOVE to visit your American Government classes. Better yet, please bring them to the White House for a personal tour. We’ll put them to work on the college tuition crisis and the importance of having all of the facts before you attend a protest.🙂

    Like

  32. Pingback: Bayard-Lamb 2012: Foxie with Moxie | Julie Glover's Blog

  33. Jami Gold says:

    Oh no, I missed this post until today! Great interview, Jenny! I love these ideas. And Holmes is on the team now too? Awesome!

    Like

  34. Pingback: Bayard – Lamb Presidential Campaign Tour Stop | Jillian Dodd

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