Today I’m honored to welcome two amazing ladies to More Cowbell for a momentous event. I’m sure you’re aware that Piper Bayard has thrown her hat in the ring for the 2012 elections. It’s with great pleasure that I announce the kick-off Campaign Rally Interview for Bayard/Lamb 2012, happening right here. (OMG! OMG!!)
I’m sure you will all agree that each of these ladies possesses some serious Cowbell!
While Piper and Kristen make your hands itch for a ballot box, I’ll be over at Stacy Green’s blog – Turning The Page – discussing dating, relationships and how to meet your soulmate.
Ladies and gentleman, please ring your Cowbells loudly for…
I’m soooo excited at the prospect of getting “A Pair” in the White House that I almost can’t decide which questions should be asked…
Piper and Kristen, lets start kinda general to give people a sense of where you stand on the big issues before we zoom in to what the More Cowbell Posse really wants to know. (Like what kind of Undies you most prefer and DO YOU SEXT?)
1. I’m an advocate of the Bayard/Lamb Granny Care and Jobs Plans – would you summarize those here in 30 seconds or less?
Especially with the baby boomers, we are facing the greatest aging population in our history, and there are only so many WalMart greeter jobs. We would hire grannies and grandpas to bring common sense, chicken soup, and TLC to people when they are ailing. We would call them the Granny Plan Silver Hair Health League.
Grandpas would answer your calls and help you determine which kind of Granny would be best for you, and then our Granny Division would promptly send out the Granny with the appropriate chicken soup and attitude. Let’s fact it. Sometimes you don’t need Xanax, you just need a hug or a good, swift kick in the ass. Granny Plan takes full advantage of the wisdom of our maturing population while cutting our healthcare costs.
2. The current administration seems to play a LOT of golf – what is your position on golf for YOUR administration?
Bayard: To me, golf is like playing fetch with yourself. You hit a ball, and then you chase it. If anyone in my administration would like to play fetch with themselves during their free time, they are welcome to do so. And to be clear, unlike one of my recent predecessors, I will not put golf ahead of national security matters like getting the world’s Bin Ladens.
Lamb: Golf is a sport for people who are retired, and people who are running our country should not be in retirement mode. If they need to de-stress, they can do heavy duty yard work or go dig a ditch. (I learned these valuable de-stressing techniques from my own Granny Plan. I will freely sacrifice her for the benefit of this country.) The White House has enough landscaping to keep anyone in the administration stress-free for the next 20 years, and think of the added value to the taxpayers.
3. Please name the members of your future Cabinet and why you feel they are a good fit for the position.
Holmes will be our Secretary of Defense. He has the experience and the moxie for the job, and he’s got one hell of a sense of humor. He won’t just keep us safe, he will keep us laughing.
Our Secretary of State will be The Slapping Medicine Man, and we will first send him to North Korea, to Iran, and to any future EU economic summits.
There will be no Secretary of Homeland Security because that entire Department is redundant. We already had a CIA and an FBI. A bureaucracy whose main contribution to America has been the TSA Grope has no purpose in our administration.
Our Secretary of Agriculture will be Shawna Coronado, the author of Gardening Nude. Shawna is an expert at teaching people to grow their own food in their own front yards, and, to the best of my knowledge, she has no ties to the Big Food industry that puts such things as dead people’s hair (L-cysteine) and beaver anal glands (natural flavorings) into their products and passes them off as “food.”
We’ll be selecting the rest of our cabinet using Reality TV Shows as a way of boosting the economy and bringing a new level of authenticity to the cabinet selection process. Granted, it’s still fake, but it’s transparent fake. We realize that the best way to truly get the majority of Americans involved in their own government is to put it in the Reality TV format. If you’re interested in applying for the Big Committee, start practicing your dance moves, or, depending on the show, you might want to read up on what plants are edible.
4. Are there any world leaders you plan to bow to?
Absolutely not. There was a harbor with some tea and a king who got his ass kicked back to England a couple of hundred years ago for that crap. The whole point of the United States of America is that we have no kings here. The only bowing exceptions will be polite, reciprocal bows with oriental folks, or while participating in the World Bank Dance Off, but only if it is a legitimate and necessary part of the dance choreography.
We’re working with Spanx to develop the new Patriot Panties. They are a lacy hybrid of Granny Panties and Thunderwear, inscribed with the Declaration of Independence. They will have no room for a puppeteer’s hand to go up your back, and they are guaranteed to make all women’s butts look like Brooklyn Decker’s in the TSA scanners. (see sample –>)
6. How do you propose to work with Congress?
We weren’t aware that Congress actually worked. That’s one of the reasons we’re running for office.
7. What is your view on Czars?
They’re dead kings of Russia. We already have enough corpses taking up space in D.C.
8. Do you write your own speeches?
Yes. Unlike the rest of the candidates, Jim Henson Productions does not have hands up our backs or put words in our mouths.
9. What is your view on the use of Teleprompters?
Refer to Question #8.
10. Give me a quick slice of your campaigning life.
“Hey, Kristen. Does this sound presidential to you? . . . Yea. You’re right. I’ll take that out.” . . . *omits reference to rubber chicken dueling during debates* . . . “Hitting the ‘publish’ button.”
11. Do you plan to visit Iowa during your campaign?
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. How long have these yahoos been going to Iowa, and look at what we’ve gotten so far? We think we should do something different. You know. Mix things up a bit. We think the people of Montana have been underrepresented for far too long. After all, people willing to deal with 20 feet of snow just to live that far from D.C. have surely got to have some good sense. And besides, they’re close to Yellowstone, and we’ve always wanted to see that.
12. Do you plan to do any White House decorating? Please elaborate.
We are looking for sane uses of the taxpayers money and see no need to mark our territory in the White House by changing out the carpets and curtains. Unlike our predecessors, we are not career politicians. With epic unemployment and an overwhelming national debt, redecorating is the least of our concerns. We will, however, have the entire building fumigated, and we’ll get Nate Berkus to show us how to hang corner shelves in the Oval Office.
13. What is your view on vacations for the Prez, Vice-Prez and their families? Who should pay for these vacations? What is the appropriate number/year?
Originally, the presidency was supposed to be the Citizen Servant. Not the pampered wannabe aristocracy that smacks of the Old World whose ass we kicked more than once to get away from. Like normal Americans, our 1 – 3 weeks of vacation every year will be spent sorting through our stuff and having a garage sale. We hope to get enough for the Clinton Era blue dress we found in the back closet to pay for the development of our Patriot Panties.
(Note: If the wearer of the Blue Dress had been wearing Patriot Panties, she would have received a message from a member of our Silver Hair Health League warning her that that man was no good for her.)
14. What’s your view on America’s dependence on foreign oil?
We would like to defer to our Secretary of Defense, Holmes, on this one, as he has given this a great deal of thought.
Holmes: Dependence on foreign resources is always dangerous and usually an expensive proposition. We need to get serious about increasing our own energy efficiency and taking reasonable steps to develop energy alternatives. We also need to re-assess our world trade situation, of which both food exports and petroleum imports are such a huge factor.
That’s why, in 2009, Bayard & Holmes founded the Organization for Food Underwriting Countries (“OFUC”). We intend to utilize OFUC initiatives to help the US and other food exporting nations achieve a more effective trade balance with those nations which we depend on for oil. Perhaps instead of protesters in the West chanting, “No war for oil,” we will soon see Saudi and Gulf State protesters chanting, “No war for food.”
15. Will there be sexting in the White House?
While we cannot speak for The Slapping Medicine Man, both of us are happily married so we have no plans to start sexting just because we are in the White House. How interns and Congress play with their phones on their own time and ticket is of no concern to us.
Thank you for hosting us at your blog today. We’ve enjoyed our visit. And remember. . . .
Bayard/Lamb 2012 – Because Blonde is the New Black!
Thank you to Piper, Kristen and Holmes for answering all of my questions. You have my vote! (The 15 questions above were formulated based on the idiocy of those currently holding office and the frivolity we love to engage in here at More Cowbell.)
- For more information on the Bayard/Lamb 2012 campaign, click here.
- If you would like to host a Bayard/Lamb 2012 Campaign Rally Interview at your website, please mention it in the comments below, or contact Piper at firstname.lastname@example.org.
- If you have ideas or manufacturing space for the creation of Patriot Panties, please also mention that in the comments below. We’d like to have them available for sale on the campaign trail ASAP!
Do you have any other questions to ask this Dynamic Pair? Can the Bayard/Lamb team count on your vote in 2012? Enquiring minds always want to know here at More Cowbell!