The Undie Chronicles: An Epilogue…”Man-Style”

I was done with undies for a while. I swear I was. I did the Final Episode just last Monday and I was done.

Y’all can thank Lena Corazon for the Undie Chronicles making a re-appearance. It’s not my fault we are back here spewing beverages. She sent me this little not so innocent tweet and WHAT was I to do, I ask you? 

 

@LenaCorazonLena Corazon

@jhansenwrites Jenny, pleasepleaseplease tell me that you have seen these knit men’s underpants. http://etsy.me/rQFs3t #pantypeeps

 

I HAD to click the link. Then, it was like a car crash where I could NOT tear my eyes away. I mean, would you look at those ears??

Photo courtesy of Etsy.com

Plus, once I read the ordering instructions (see blue print below), I was almost incoherent. It’s so serious. Note: I’ve underlined the part that slayed me. Apparently trunk size DOES matter to this sweet little Etsy knitter in Lithuania. 

I mean, this is a sensitive area (if you know what I mean). I believe guidelines for this sort of measurement are clearly stated in the American Male/Female Rule Book:

Women underestimate their weight on driver’s licenses and men overestimate the size of their trunk when asked. Evidently no one communicated this rule to the knitters in Lithuania. Read on…

SEXY SHORTS

Soft and warm. Ideal for cold weather;
Yarn: 50% poliester;
Colours: white, red
Size: Custom order (please write the size and i will knit it)
Washing: machine-washable on wool mode

NOTE: Please give me one week to make this order

So, after I looked at this picture and read this form…well, it wasn’t pretty. (“Coffee spattered on the table, mascara tears down my face” kind of ugly.)

My husband rushed in from the living room to see why I was in hysterics.

“What?” he asked and, when I flapped my hands at the picture, he peered at my screen. “That’s a cock sock.”

Me: *new round of hysterical laughter* It has a NAME???

He’s kind of used to me so he waited for me to catch my breath. “Do you want some water or something?”

Me: “No. Did you make that up, or is that really a thing?”

Him: “It’s an actual term. I don’t know what it means but I’ve heard it.”

I gave him fisheye. “You know, I have a discerning posse here at More Cowbell. I can’t post something ‘you just heard about.'”

Him: *snort* “When has that ever stopped you? Don’t give me The Face. You can look it up to find out what it is.”

Well, I scoped it out in the Urban Dictionary, but this is a family blog (kind of) so I can’t tell you what it is (<– Click link if you’re dying to know NOW). All of the definitions deal with the male genitalia (duh) and most of the sentences are very creative.

After looking at “the elephant” there was really no other option but to see what sorts of Man-Undies (portmanteau = “Mundies”) are out there. 

Check out these jobbers from the same (ahem) artist. The part that really gets me about these…uh…creations is the description:

Very sexy handknitted underwear shorts for men soft and warm

Photo inflicted on my eyes from Etsy.com

 

Very sexy? REALLY?  I have to admit that these “soft, warm and sexy’s” left me kinda cold. Perhaps y’all will have a different opinion of them. I’ll leave it for you to weigh in on this down in the comments. You’ve been surprising me lately.

Since it is the season of giving, if these little knitted nothings encourage you to reach for your credit cards, these Mundies cost $65 and ship all over the world. That means the search is over for your stocking stuffers, Ladies. Guys, I’ve provided you with ALL the links so you can add any of these Mundies to the top of your holiday wish list.

I just could not restrain myself. I had to run a quick underwear search through Etsy to see what all the other busy crafters were up to *if you know what I mean.*

I came across this Elephant Thong (WOW! Would you look at the trunk on that thing?):

At least the person who crocheted this had the good grace to call it a gag gift. (It certainly succeeded in gagging me for a moment.)

ADDENDUM – 11/10/11:
Just when we think we’ve seen it all, a gal on the Give Me A Valium With My Latte Facebook page posted a link to THIS jewel of the Undie-verse! We’ve got pink ears, people, and…nostrils at the bottom of that trunk!! WOW.

The nostrils on this thing are killing me...

Anyway, Merry Christmas from More Cowbell! It’s just give, give, give all the time over here.

Last, but not least, the polling results are in from what was supposed to be the Final Episode of The Undie Chronicles.

My jaw about hit the floor…Cheekies won the popular vote! I told Angela Peart that Cheekies = “Cracky Attacky” but the vote indicates that perhaps I need to put my money where the vote is and try a pair before I continue to make snide tweets.

There is a tie for the #2 spot between:

• The G-Knit (portmanteau courtesy of Nicole Basaraba with a combo of Knit + G-string) in Fun Fur.
  AND
• Pantystructions (Vegas Unnamed Thingies received their portmanteau courtesy of Natalie Hartford with a combo of Panty + Instructions).

Thank you to those who voted. Note: If you have not yet cast your vote, click here and scroll to the bottom of the post.

How do you go about your holiday gifting these days? Do you simply send a card? Do you handmake your gifts, such as today’s spotlighted “artists” from Etsy? Enquiring minds always want to know here at More Cowbell!

Jenny